Jonah Hill movie quotes
130 quotes from 15 movies
Megamind (2010) as Hal Stewart/Titan/Tighten
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You're so naive, Roxy. You see the good in everyone, even when it's not there. You're living a fantasy. There is no Easter Bunny, there is no Tooth Fairy, and there is no Queen of England. (I think...) This is the real world, and you need to wake up!
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Being a hero is for losers! It's work, work, work, 24/7, and for what? I only took the gig to get the girl, and it turns out Roxanne doesn't want anything to do for me.
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[after Megamind breaks into his apartment room] Is this a robbery? Because the lady across the hall has way better stuff than me!
Get Him to the Greek (2010) as Aaron
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Aaron: Hey.
Daphne: Hi.
Aaron: Hi.
Daphne: I'm so tired. Oh, my God.
Aaron: You look pretty.
Daphne: Thank you! It was such a crazy day. I can't wait to watch, like, a hundred hours of Gossip Girl.
Aaron: Me, too.
Daphne: Yay!
Aaron: Or instead of that, we could go see The Pixies and The Mars Volta play a show.
Daphne: I don't think I can do it tonight. I have to be back at the hospital at, like, 6:00 a.m. And who's Mars Volta, again?
Aaron: Oh.
Daphne: I don't think it's worth me being tired over. Just stay and watch Gossip Girl with me.
Aaron: Okay, well, then if you fall asleep, then I get to go to the concert?
Daphne: If you stay, I'll have sex with you.
Aaron: I feel like you're blackmailing me with your genitals. That's not fair.
Daphne: Well, then do it to me.
Aaron: Listen, if you don't go to that concert, you don't get any of my penis tonight.
Daphne: I think I'm gonna stay home. Doesn't work with the penis.
Aaron: No, it's not fair. Blackmail does not work with the penis. It doesn't work.
Daphne: Hi.
Aaron: Hi.
Daphne: I'm so tired. Oh, my God.
Aaron: You look pretty.
Daphne: Thank you! It was such a crazy day. I can't wait to watch, like, a hundred hours of Gossip Girl.
Aaron: Me, too.
Daphne: Yay!
Aaron: Or instead of that, we could go see The Pixies and The Mars Volta play a show.
Daphne: I don't think I can do it tonight. I have to be back at the hospital at, like, 6:00 a.m. And who's Mars Volta, again?
Aaron: Oh.
Daphne: I don't think it's worth me being tired over. Just stay and watch Gossip Girl with me.
Aaron: Okay, well, then if you fall asleep, then I get to go to the concert?
Daphne: If you stay, I'll have sex with you.
Aaron: I feel like you're blackmailing me with your genitals. That's not fair.
Daphne: Well, then do it to me.
Aaron: Listen, if you don't go to that concert, you don't get any of my penis tonight.
Daphne: I think I'm gonna stay home. Doesn't work with the penis.
Aaron: No, it's not fair. Blackmail does not work with the penis. It doesn't work.
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[Aaron is in Sergio's office with just him watching Aldous concert footage]
Song lyrics: Inside you are the stars unfurled. I've crossed me heart and I've crossed the world. And I need you here. And I need to be inside you. Inside you Inside you. There's got to be some part of me inside you.
Sergio: Aldous Snow wants to do the show. He's interested and available.
Aaron: Really?
Sergio: I want you to go to London and pick him up. Then I want you to take him to New York to the Today Show to make the announcement about the concert. Then bring him back here for the show at the Greek.
Aaron: Are you... Are you serious?
Sergio: Don't smile like that. It makes you look like an 8-year-old boy who just discovered his first boner.
Aaron: I don't have one, so...
Sergio: This is your **** moment! You only get one moment in life. It's not hiding in some cubicle, answering some **** phone. Can you handle it?
Aaron: Yeah. I can handle the moment.
Sergio: An artist is the slipperiest, most conniving mother****er on the face of the earth. That's why you have to watch your tushie while, at the same time, you make them feel like a star. It's called mind ****. You've been mind-**** before?
Aaron: I don't think so.
Sergio: I'm mind-**** you right now.
Aaron: You are?
Sergio: Can't you feel my dick **** your mind?
Aaron: No, I can't really feel anything.
Sergio: See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-**** the shit out of you.
Aaron: Well I hope you're wearing a condom cause I have a dirty mind. That was a joke.
Sergio: This is no time to joke. Mind **** is not no joke. You have to mind **** Aldous Snow. He's a drug addict, Aaron. You have to show him balance. People want to see him **** up, but they don't want to see him too **** up. If this is **** up and this is sober, right here, that's the perfect balance right there. Not here. Right here. Okay. Do you like his music?
Aaron: I love his music. Except for African Child. That album sucked.
Sergio: No. No. No. You love African Child. Your mother loves African Child. It's your girlfriend's favorite album. You love African Child. You bought 10 copies on the first day.
Aaron: Okay. Yeah, I love African Child. So lie to him.
Sergio: No. We don't lie to people. We don't do that. We just believe in valid truths.
Aaron: Okay. Do you like African Child?
Sergio: Hell, **** no. It was the most racist, condescending shit ever made. What the **** you calling me? A house ****? Do I look like African Child?
Aaron: I don't... No.
Sergio: You just called me a **** house ****.
Aaron: No. I don't think you're a house N-word. No. I wasn't...
Sergio: No, I don't like **** African Child. But if he asks me if I like African Child, I love that shit! I play that shit in my **** sleep. I wake up to it and I brush my teeth to it. I love African Child.
Aaron: Okay. I got it.
Sergio: But, no, I don't love African Child. Don't ever ask me that **** question again.
Aaron: Okay. I understand.
Sergio: From the minute you touch down in London, you have 72 hours to get Aldous Snow to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Do you understand me?
Aaron: Yes. Definitely.
Sergio: Your job is to control your artist. If he's too messed up you hit him with this adrenaline needle.
Aaron: You mean like from Pulp Fiction?
Sergio: Your flight leaves in three hours from LAX. Please, do a good job.
Song lyrics: Inside you are the stars unfurled. I've crossed me heart and I've crossed the world. And I need you here. And I need to be inside you. Inside you Inside you. There's got to be some part of me inside you.
Sergio: Aldous Snow wants to do the show. He's interested and available.
Aaron: Really?
Sergio: I want you to go to London and pick him up. Then I want you to take him to New York to the Today Show to make the announcement about the concert. Then bring him back here for the show at the Greek.
Aaron: Are you... Are you serious?
Sergio: Don't smile like that. It makes you look like an 8-year-old boy who just discovered his first boner.
Aaron: I don't have one, so...
Sergio: This is your **** moment! You only get one moment in life. It's not hiding in some cubicle, answering some **** phone. Can you handle it?
Aaron: Yeah. I can handle the moment.
Sergio: An artist is the slipperiest, most conniving mother****er on the face of the earth. That's why you have to watch your tushie while, at the same time, you make them feel like a star. It's called mind ****. You've been mind-**** before?
Aaron: I don't think so.
Sergio: I'm mind-**** you right now.
Aaron: You are?
Sergio: Can't you feel my dick **** your mind?
Aaron: No, I can't really feel anything.
Sergio: See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-**** the shit out of you.
Aaron: Well I hope you're wearing a condom cause I have a dirty mind. That was a joke.
Sergio: This is no time to joke. Mind **** is not no joke. You have to mind **** Aldous Snow. He's a drug addict, Aaron. You have to show him balance. People want to see him **** up, but they don't want to see him too **** up. If this is **** up and this is sober, right here, that's the perfect balance right there. Not here. Right here. Okay. Do you like his music?
Aaron: I love his music. Except for African Child. That album sucked.
Sergio: No. No. No. You love African Child. Your mother loves African Child. It's your girlfriend's favorite album. You love African Child. You bought 10 copies on the first day.
Aaron: Okay. Yeah, I love African Child. So lie to him.
Sergio: No. We don't lie to people. We don't do that. We just believe in valid truths.
Aaron: Okay. Do you like African Child?
Sergio: Hell, **** no. It was the most racist, condescending shit ever made. What the **** you calling me? A house ****? Do I look like African Child?
Aaron: I don't... No.
Sergio: You just called me a **** house ****.
Aaron: No. I don't think you're a house N-word. No. I wasn't...
Sergio: No, I don't like **** African Child. But if he asks me if I like African Child, I love that shit! I play that shit in my **** sleep. I wake up to it and I brush my teeth to it. I love African Child.
Aaron: Okay. I got it.
Sergio: But, no, I don't love African Child. Don't ever ask me that **** question again.
Aaron: Okay. I understand.
Sergio: From the minute you touch down in London, you have 72 hours to get Aldous Snow to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Do you understand me?
Aaron: Yes. Definitely.
Sergio: Your job is to control your artist. If he's too messed up you hit him with this adrenaline needle.
Aaron: You mean like from Pulp Fiction?
Sergio: Your flight leaves in three hours from LAX. Please, do a good job.
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[Aaron has arrived at Daphne's hospital and is led by a colleague to Daphne sleeping in a chair]
Aaron: Where is she?
Colleague: Right there.
Aaron: Hey.
Daphne: Hi, sweetie.
Aaron: I have amazing news. Let's go get some coffee.
Daphne: I think I was asleep.
Aaron: [Waves hand over her face to make eyes shut] Go back to sleep. I'll carry you to coffee, okay?
Daphne: [She smiles and laughs] You're funny.
Aaron: You're funny.
Daphne: You're funny.
...
[Aaron and Daphne are seated at a table in the cafeteria]
Aaron: Sergio was just so awesome. He was like, "You got one moment, and here's your moment." And it was like 8 Mile. You know? And he's letting me do this! I mean, I get to spend one-on-one time with Aldous Snow. Aldous Snow! I mean, how awesome is that?
Daphne: Wow, that's awesome.
Aaron: I feel like I have all these ideas for his sound specifically. You know, I could help resurrect the guy's career.
Daphne: You know? I mean, it's incredible. It's, like, my dream. I have some kind of big news, too. I got offered a residency, a place in a residency program, at East Seattle General. So, if I rank it first, then I can get matched there, which is pretty good.
Aaron: Like Seattle, Seattle?
Daphne: Yeah. It's really, really nice there. And it's a bigger staff, so they have better call schedules, so we could actually spend some time together. It's so nice! I'm sorry.
Aaron: You want to... You want to... You want to move to Seattle?
Daphne: Well, yeah. To work in the hospital. To work in the hospital there, yeah.
Aaron: What am I gonna do in Seattle?
Daphne: Oh, my God, there's tons of music stuff in Seattle. Nirvana! Nirvana came from Seattle.
Aaron: Can you not see how it's a little alarming that you've just decided that I'm moving to Seattle? Do you have an extra scalpel? Do you want to cut my balls off and put them in your pocket so you don't just metaphorically own them, you can physically hold them in your pocket? I mean, I feel like a '50s housewife right now. Like my dreams don't count.
Aaron: You're like Michael Jackson's dad. You're abusing me right now.
Daphne: Okay. You know what? We should just... We're gonna table this. We're gonna table it because I can't... Guess what. Just on a side note, I had an idea today.
Aaron: You're moving to Africa.
Daphne: Listen. You know how hard I've been working for this. You know I am killing myself in this internship. This hospital will be beautiful in Seattle, and it will be good for us. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm just saying that I think it will be good for us, so we're moving to Seattle!
Aaron: I don't want to move to Seattle...
Daphne: We're moving! We're moving to Seattle.
Aaron: No. We're not moving to Seattle.
Daphne: Great. So maybe we should just take some time.
Aaron: Are you having your period or something?
Daphne: I'm sorry, what?
Aaron: Are you on your period or something?
Daphne: Are you **** kidding me?
Aaron: Where is she?
Colleague: Right there.
Aaron: Hey.
Daphne: Hi, sweetie.
Aaron: I have amazing news. Let's go get some coffee.
Daphne: I think I was asleep.
Aaron: [Waves hand over her face to make eyes shut] Go back to sleep. I'll carry you to coffee, okay?
Daphne: [She smiles and laughs] You're funny.
Aaron: You're funny.
Daphne: You're funny.
...
[Aaron and Daphne are seated at a table in the cafeteria]
Aaron: Sergio was just so awesome. He was like, "You got one moment, and here's your moment." And it was like 8 Mile. You know? And he's letting me do this! I mean, I get to spend one-on-one time with Aldous Snow. Aldous Snow! I mean, how awesome is that?
Daphne: Wow, that's awesome.
Aaron: I feel like I have all these ideas for his sound specifically. You know, I could help resurrect the guy's career.
Daphne: You know? I mean, it's incredible. It's, like, my dream. I have some kind of big news, too. I got offered a residency, a place in a residency program, at East Seattle General. So, if I rank it first, then I can get matched there, which is pretty good.
Aaron: Like Seattle, Seattle?
Daphne: Yeah. It's really, really nice there. And it's a bigger staff, so they have better call schedules, so we could actually spend some time together. It's so nice! I'm sorry.
Aaron: You want to... You want to... You want to move to Seattle?
Daphne: Well, yeah. To work in the hospital. To work in the hospital there, yeah.
Aaron: What am I gonna do in Seattle?
Daphne: Oh, my God, there's tons of music stuff in Seattle. Nirvana! Nirvana came from Seattle.
Aaron: Can you not see how it's a little alarming that you've just decided that I'm moving to Seattle? Do you have an extra scalpel? Do you want to cut my balls off and put them in your pocket so you don't just metaphorically own them, you can physically hold them in your pocket? I mean, I feel like a '50s housewife right now. Like my dreams don't count.
Aaron: You're like Michael Jackson's dad. You're abusing me right now.
Daphne: Okay. You know what? We should just... We're gonna table this. We're gonna table it because I can't... Guess what. Just on a side note, I had an idea today.
Aaron: You're moving to Africa.
Daphne: Listen. You know how hard I've been working for this. You know I am killing myself in this internship. This hospital will be beautiful in Seattle, and it will be good for us. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm just saying that I think it will be good for us, so we're moving to Seattle!
Aaron: I don't want to move to Seattle...
Daphne: We're moving! We're moving to Seattle.
Aaron: No. We're not moving to Seattle.
Daphne: Great. So maybe we should just take some time.
Aaron: Are you having your period or something?
Daphne: I'm sorry, what?
Aaron: Are you on your period or something?
Daphne: Are you **** kidding me?
Knocked Up (2007) as Jonah
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(After Jay has announced that he has shaved his pubic area) What the ****, man?! If I go in there and see **** pubes sprinkled all over the toilet seat, I'm gonna **** lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a **** stuffed animal!
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Don't masturbate with a noose. If you do, use a spotter or a teammate.
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She like'a da way ya dick taste.
Moneyball (2011) as Peter Brand
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Billy Beane: Would you rather get one shot in the head or five in the chest and bleed to death?
Peter Brand: Are those my only two options?
Peter Brand: Are those my only two options?
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David Justice: Why doesn't your boss travel with the team?
Peter Brand: He doesn't like to... mingle with the players.
David Justice: Is that supposed to make us easier to cut?
Peter Brand: He doesn't like to... mingle with the players.
David Justice: Is that supposed to make us easier to cut?
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[to Billy] It's about getting things down to one number. Using the stats the way we read them, we'll find value in players that no one else can see. People are overlooked for a variety of biased reasons and perceived flaws. Age, appearance, personality. Bill James and mathematics cut straight through that. Billy, of the 20,000 notable players for us to consider, I believe that there is a championship team of twenty-five people that we can afford, because everyone else in baseball undervalues them.
The Watch (2012) as Franklin
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Pigs have uniforms, I think we should have uniforms too. Gotta match those ****ers on every level.
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[revealing his gun collection] Welcome to candyshop, mother****ers!
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Lock and load, bitches! Anything from outer space, kill it!
How to Train Your Dragon (2010) as Snotlout
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(shoves Astrid aside) Watch out, babe, I'll take care of this. [throws weapon at Deadly Nadder, Stormfly, but misses; Astrid glares at him while Stormfly seems to laugh at him] The sun was in my eyes, Astrid! What do you want me to do, block out the sun? I could do that, but I don't have time right now!
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[To Astrid] So anyway, uh, I moved into my parents' basement. You should come by some time to work out! You look like you work out! [his shield is blasted by the Gronckle]
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[having leapt from the Red Death onto the Hideous Zippleback ridden by Ruff and Tuff] Wow! I can't believe that worked!
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) as Donnie Azoff
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Oh my God, the emperor of ****sville came down from ****sville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of ****sville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little ****heads doing while you're here?
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[peeing on his subpoena] **** you, U.S.A. **** you, U.S.A. **** you! **** you!
This Is the End (2013) as Jonah Hill
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Jay Baruchel: [trying to perform an exorcism] The power of Christ compels you!
Jonah Hill: [possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Jonah Hill: [possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling.
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Craig Robinson: Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
Danny McBride: What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Seth Rogen: ****, man!
Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] "I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
James Franco: You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Seth Rogen: Good.
James Franco: Alright.
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.
Danny McBride: What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Seth Rogen: ****, man!
Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] "I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
James Franco: You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Seth Rogen: Good.
James Franco: Alright.
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.
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Seth Rogen: [discussing the apocalypse] This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who **** saw that coming that there's actually a God?
Jay Baruchel: I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
Seth Rogen: Jesus **** Christ, man.
Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen: "Jesus **** Christ"?
Craig Robinson: Yes.
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Seth Rogen: Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson: One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson: Jesus, God. It's all the same.
Jay Baruchel: It's the trinity.
Seth Rogen: Jesus...
Craig Robinson: Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Seth Rogen: I don't even know what the **** Commandments are.
James Franco: Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
Seth Rogen: I'm good.
James Franco: We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel: Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
James Franco: It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Seth Rogen: Oh.
Craig Robinson: You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Seth Rogen: [whispering] I think God might've just **** up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
Craig Robinson: It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
James Franco: Wh-Why you so sure?
Craig Robinson: I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Jay Baruchel: What the?
Seth Rogen: Oh, **** off.
James Franco: Craig.
Craig Robinson: Well I was a kid, man, it was a ****in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I ****in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
Jay Baruchel: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, **** it. And I went for the second one.
Seth Rogen: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: It was **** up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
James Franco: I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I **** Lindsay Lohan. She was **** up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
Jay Baruchel: [grunts]
James Franco: She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Seth Rogen: That's **** up.
James Franco: Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
Craig Robinson: See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
[the power suddenly goes out]
Seth Rogen: Whoa.
James Franco: Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill: [growling]
Jay Baruchel: You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Craig Robinson: [worried about Jonah, whispering] Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
Jay Baruchel: I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]
Jay Baruchel: I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
Seth Rogen: Jesus **** Christ, man.
Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen: "Jesus **** Christ"?
Craig Robinson: Yes.
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Seth Rogen: Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson: One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson: Jesus, God. It's all the same.
Jay Baruchel: It's the trinity.
Seth Rogen: Jesus...
Craig Robinson: Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Seth Rogen: I don't even know what the **** Commandments are.
James Franco: Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
Seth Rogen: I'm good.
James Franco: We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel: Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
James Franco: It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Seth Rogen: Oh.
Craig Robinson: You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Seth Rogen: [whispering] I think God might've just **** up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
Craig Robinson: It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
James Franco: Wh-Why you so sure?
Craig Robinson: I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Jay Baruchel: What the?
Seth Rogen: Oh, **** off.
James Franco: Craig.
Craig Robinson: Well I was a kid, man, it was a ****in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I ****in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
Jay Baruchel: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, **** it. And I went for the second one.
Seth Rogen: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: It was **** up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
James Franco: I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I **** Lindsay Lohan. She was **** up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
Jay Baruchel: [grunts]
James Franco: She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Seth Rogen: That's **** up.
James Franco: Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
Craig Robinson: See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
[the power suddenly goes out]
Seth Rogen: Whoa.
James Franco: Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill: [growling]
Jay Baruchel: You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Craig Robinson: [worried about Jonah, whispering] Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
Jay Baruchel: I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]
Don't Look Up (2021) as Jason Orlean
View Quote
Man... I timed this Molly perfectly.
View Quote
But I also want to give a prayer for stuff. There’s dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches, and cars, and clothes and shit that could all go away and I don’t wanna see that stuff go away. So I’m gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.
View Quote
What' up, y'all? I'm the last man on Earth. Shit's all **** up. Don't forget to like and subscribe. We out here.
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) as Snotlout
View Quote
[Eret and the Dragon Riders (minus Hiccup) are about to be thrown off a ship into ice water.]
Snotlout: Could this day get any worse?
Tuffnut: Uh, let me see - we're gonna jump into freezing cold water, and then die from drowning.
Eret: [sarcastically] Looks refreshing.
Snotlout: Could this day get any worse?
Tuffnut: Uh, let me see - we're gonna jump into freezing cold water, and then die from drowning.
Eret: [sarcastically] Looks refreshing.
View Quote
Snotlout: [to Ruffnut] Here you go, babe. Did I tell you that you look amazing today? 'Cause you do.
View Quote
Astrid: I don't like it. They should have been back with Hiccup by now.
Ruffnut: I don't like it either. Eret, Son of Eret was the man of my dreams. My everything!
Snotlout: [touches his beard] But baby, I grew facial hair for you.
Fishlegs: [also touches his beard] Me, too...
Astrid: What if Drago shot them down? What if they need our help? We have to find them.
Fishlegs: W-wait, What? No, But Stoick said...
Astrid: [cuts him off] It doesn't matter what he said, if they’ve all been captured. Come on!
Ruffnut: I don't like it either. Eret, Son of Eret was the man of my dreams. My everything!
Snotlout: [touches his beard] But baby, I grew facial hair for you.
Fishlegs: [also touches his beard] Me, too...
Astrid: What if Drago shot them down? What if they need our help? We have to find them.
Fishlegs: W-wait, What? No, But Stoick said...
Astrid: [cuts him off] It doesn't matter what he said, if they’ve all been captured. Come on!
The Lego Movie (2014) as Green Lantern
View Quote
Emmet: [Emmet gasps] Is that Superman?
Statue of Liberty: Bonjour.
Superman: Girl, what are you doing right now?
Green Lantern: [appears from behind Emmet] Hey, Superman!
Superman: Oh, hey... Hey, what's up?
Green Lantern: [fixing his mask] Lantern. Green Lantern.
Superman: Yeah, yeah.
Green Lantern: Do you wanna sit together at the meeting?
Superman: Uh, I've to go back to Krypton. [Superman quickly flies off]
Green Lantern: [the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large] Did didn't Krypton blow up?
Vitruvius: My fellow, Master Builders, including, but not limited to: Robin Hood, Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy... [Benny: 'Hello!'] ...2002 NBA All Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully-weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. [the Master Builders express their shock and outrage] Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, Michelangelo, Michelangelo and Cleopatra. There is yet one hope, the Special has arisen.
[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]
Statue of Liberty: Bonjour.
Superman: Girl, what are you doing right now?
Green Lantern: [appears from behind Emmet] Hey, Superman!
Superman: Oh, hey... Hey, what's up?
Green Lantern: [fixing his mask] Lantern. Green Lantern.
Superman: Yeah, yeah.
Green Lantern: Do you wanna sit together at the meeting?
Superman: Uh, I've to go back to Krypton. [Superman quickly flies off]
Green Lantern: [the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large] Did didn't Krypton blow up?
Vitruvius: My fellow, Master Builders, including, but not limited to: Robin Hood, Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy... [Benny: 'Hello!'] ...2002 NBA All Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully-weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. [the Master Builders express their shock and outrage] Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, Michelangelo, Michelangelo and Cleopatra. There is yet one hope, the Special has arisen.
[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]
View Quote
Superman: IT DIDN'T BREAK!
Bad Cop: Because it's Kragled. [to his robots] Machine gun! Fire! [they shoot at Superman with chewing gum making him splat to the ground stuck in the gum]
Superman: [screams] I CAN'T MOVE!
Green Lantern: Don't worry, Superman! I'll get you out of there. [as Green Lantern goes to rescue Superman his hands get stuck in the gum and screams] Oh, my gosh! My hands are stuck! [he wriggles his legs and those get stuck in the gum too] My legs are stuck as well!
Superman: I super hate you.
Bad Cop: Because it's Kragled. [to his robots] Machine gun! Fire! [they shoot at Superman with chewing gum making him splat to the ground stuck in the gum]
Superman: [screams] I CAN'T MOVE!
Green Lantern: Don't worry, Superman! I'll get you out of there. [as Green Lantern goes to rescue Superman his hands get stuck in the gum and screams] Oh, my gosh! My hands are stuck! [he wriggles his legs and those get stuck in the gum too] My legs are stuck as well!
Superman: I super hate you.
View Quote
Emmet: Uh, is this Cloud Cuckoo Land? I don't see any clouds or cuckoos.
Vitruvius: No, no. This is Middle Zealand. A wondrous land full of knights, castles, muttons, torture weapons, poverty, leeches, illiteracy, and um...
Emmet: DRAGON! [the Batwing dives as a dragon swoops down]
Vitruvius: Yeah, that too. [Batman transforms the Batwing into the Batmobile, lands the car in a forest area and drives through the woods] Once we arrive in Cloud Cuckoo Land, we'll raise an army of Master Builders...
Batman: Yeah, yeah, anyway. You guys gotta check out these new subwoofers I installed in the back; I call them The Dogs. Listen to them bark! [Batman turns on his stereo, sending heavy metal blasting through the Batmobile, making Emmet and Vitruvius bounce in the back]
Emmet: Aaah! Can you turn that down a little bit?!
Batman: This is a song I wrote for Wyldstyle! [Wyldstyle smiles at Batman before singing with the song; we hear Batman's voice as he sings to the heavy metal music] Darkness! [to Emmet and Vitruvius] It's about how I'm an orphan! [the song continues] No parents!
Wyldstyle: [Wyldstyle turns to Emmet] This is real music, Emmet. Batman's a true artist. Dark, brooding.
Emmet: Well, I'm dark and brooding too! [Emmet gasps, suddenly he notices something ahead] Look, a rainbow! [as they reach the rainbow]
Vitruvius: So, you're gonna drive up the curved part, take it all the way to the top and park the car. [The Batmobile stops, Batman drives up the rainbow and stops the car at the very top] Friends, welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land. [An angelic chord plays as the camera pans down to the group standing in front of a rather large cloud; the rainbow disappears.] Now, I just need to give the secret knock. [he turns and knocks once with his scepter on the cloud door, after a short pause the door bursts open and as they enter inside they hear music being played and everyone is happy and dancing around.]
Emmet: I'm not sure about this place and what I am supposed to do.
Unikitty: Hi! I am Princess Unikitty, and I welcome you all to Cloud Cuckoo Land!
[Everyone cheers]
Emmet: But there are no signs or anything! How can people know what not to do?
Unikitty: Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules! There's no government, no babysitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy mustaches, and no negativity of any kind.
Wyldstyle: You just said the word "no" like a million times.
Unikitty: And there's also no consistency.
Batman: I hate this place.
Unikitty: All ideas are the good ones, except the not-so-good ideas. Those that push down deep inside where you'll never, ever, ever, [angrily tone] EVER... [normal tone] find them! Your fellow Master Builders are gathered in the Dog!
Emmet: The what?
French Narrator: Meanwhile, at the dog...
Emmet: [Emmet gasps] Is that Superman?
Statue of Liberty: Bonjour.
Superman: Girl, what are you doing right now?
Green Lantern: [appears from behind Emmet] Hey, Superman!
Superman: Oh, hey... Hey, what's up?
Green Lantern: [fixing his mask] Lantern. Green Lantern.
Superman: Yeah, yeah.
Green Lantern: Do you wanna sit together at the meeting?
Superman: Uh, I have to, I have to go back to Krypton. [Superman quickly flies off]
Green Lantern: [the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large] Did didn't Krypton blow up?
Vitruvius: My fellow Master Builders, including, but not limited to Robin Hood, Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy...
Benny: Hello!
Vitruvius: ...2002 NBA All-Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. [the Master Builders express their shock and outrage] Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, Michelangelo, Michelangelo and Cleopatra. There is yet one hope; the Special has arisen.
[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]
Gandalf: Have the young man step forward.
Vitruvius: As you wish, [says it incorrectly] Dubbledore.
Gandalf: I’m Gandalf.
Dumbledore: It's pronounced Dumbledore.
Vitruvius: Dubbledore?
Dumbledore: No, Dumbledore.
Vitruvius: I thought you said Dubbledore.
Gandalf: Vitruvius?!
Vitruvius: Ah, we gotta write all that down 'cause I'm not gonna remember any of it, but here we go. The Special will now give an eloquent speech. [to Emmet] Go ahead, man, you got this.
Emmet: Okay. [Emmet walks up to the platform and waves to everyone. He clears his throat] Hello, I'm Emmet. [referring to the Piece of Resistance] Oh, and this is the Piece of Resistance. [the Master Builders cheer. Wyldstyle watches in bewilderment] Thank you. Well, eeeeehhhh. I know that I, for one, am very excited to work with you guys, to get into the Octan Tower, find the Kragle and put this thing on the thing, and I know it's going to be really hard, but... [gets interrupted]
Metalbeard: REALLY HARD?! [the audience gasps] Wiping ye bum with a hook for a hand is really hard; this be impossible! The last time we tried to storm Lord Business's office, we used every plan we could conceive. The result was a massacre too terrible to speak of.
Emmet: Who are you?
Metalbeard: The name be Metalbeard, and I'll tell you me tale of woe.
Vitruvius: Oh, great. Here we go again. [Metalbeard recounts his failed attempt in trying to infiltrate Lord Business's office]
Metalbeard: I arrived at the foot of the tower with me hearty Master Builder crew, only to find the Kragle was all the way up on the infinitieth floor, guarded by a robot army. And security measures of every kind imaginable: lasers, sharks, laser sharks, overbearing assistants, and strange, dangerous relics that entrap, snap, and zap. And there be a mysterious room called "The Think Tank". I barely made it out of that room with just me head... [Metalbeard hops out of the tower with his head and escapes on his ship as it purrs away] and organs! [Metalbeard's organs pop out of the Octan tower and land in his ship and it purrs away again]
Emmet: [disturbed] Okay.
Metalbeard: I had to replace every part of my once strapping, virile pirate body with this useless hunk of garbage ye see before ye. So if ye think it'd be a good idea to return to that forsaken place, Special, what idea have ye that be better than the ideas of 100 of our fallen Master Builder brothers?
Emmet: Well, technically I'm not exactly a Master Builder yet.
Metalbeard: WHAT?! [The other Master Builders shout in outrage]
Emmet: Please, everyone, everyone! Please.
William Shakespeare: [throws a pizza] Rubbish!
Emmet: [addressing the Master Builders] Yes, it's true, I may not be a Master Builder. I may not have a lot of experience fighting or leading or coming up with plans, or having ideas in general. In fact, I'm not all that smart, and I'm not what you'd call a creative type; plus, generally unskilled, also scared and cowardly. I know what you're thinking: "He is the least qualified person in the world to lead us!" And you are right!
Swamp Creature: This is supposed to make us feel better?
Vampire Max: Grrrg!
Emmet: What th-? No, there was about to be a but-
Gandalf: You're a butt!
Dumbledore: Yes. [Outside Cloud Cuckoo Land, Metalbeard and a few knights and cowboys are leaving]
Metalbeard: You all be on your own! I be leaved this lost cause! [Metalbeard jumps onto his ship and sails off Cuckoo Land, as it purrs]
Emmet: Why are you leaving?!
Abraham Lincoln: A house divided against itself would be better than this. [Lincoln jumps into his seat and it suddenly takes off like a spaceship]
Emmet: Abraham Lincoln, you bring your space chair right back here! Come on, guys! [nearly gets hit by a falling object] We can [a Master Builder throws cheese at him] still do [another Master Builder throws a DVD disc at him] this! [yet another Master Builder throws a blue disc at him] Oh! Right?
Master Builder #1: You're not even a bit special.
[Wyldstyle, Batman and Unikitty sadly watch]
Batman: [Batman whispering to Wyldstyle as they watch Emmet] Well, you were right about him being a ding-dong. [the Master Builders continue to jeer and throw things at Emmet]
Master Builder #2: You're a huge disappointment!
[Emmet, sad and disappointed, turns and starts walking off]
Master Builder #3: Get him out of here, I don't wanna look at him!
[dolphin chirp, cat yowl]
Emmet: Well, at least it can't get any worse.
Master Builder #4: Special? Not! [A giant golf ball suddenly falls out of nowhere, destroying the Dog.]
Emmet: I was wrong. [Emmet yells and runs away as the falling ball falls onto the ground, crashes through the eye of the dog, and squishes an Island Warrior Master Builder]
Superman: It's the orb of Tee-te-list!
Bad Cop: Ruh-roh, it's the bad guys.
Vitruvius: No, no. This is Middle Zealand. A wondrous land full of knights, castles, muttons, torture weapons, poverty, leeches, illiteracy, and um...
Emmet: DRAGON! [the Batwing dives as a dragon swoops down]
Vitruvius: Yeah, that too. [Batman transforms the Batwing into the Batmobile, lands the car in a forest area and drives through the woods] Once we arrive in Cloud Cuckoo Land, we'll raise an army of Master Builders...
Batman: Yeah, yeah, anyway. You guys gotta check out these new subwoofers I installed in the back; I call them The Dogs. Listen to them bark! [Batman turns on his stereo, sending heavy metal blasting through the Batmobile, making Emmet and Vitruvius bounce in the back]
Emmet: Aaah! Can you turn that down a little bit?!
Batman: This is a song I wrote for Wyldstyle! [Wyldstyle smiles at Batman before singing with the song; we hear Batman's voice as he sings to the heavy metal music] Darkness! [to Emmet and Vitruvius] It's about how I'm an orphan! [the song continues] No parents!
Wyldstyle: [Wyldstyle turns to Emmet] This is real music, Emmet. Batman's a true artist. Dark, brooding.
Emmet: Well, I'm dark and brooding too! [Emmet gasps, suddenly he notices something ahead] Look, a rainbow! [as they reach the rainbow]
Vitruvius: So, you're gonna drive up the curved part, take it all the way to the top and park the car. [The Batmobile stops, Batman drives up the rainbow and stops the car at the very top] Friends, welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land. [An angelic chord plays as the camera pans down to the group standing in front of a rather large cloud; the rainbow disappears.] Now, I just need to give the secret knock. [he turns and knocks once with his scepter on the cloud door, after a short pause the door bursts open and as they enter inside they hear music being played and everyone is happy and dancing around.]
Emmet: I'm not sure about this place and what I am supposed to do.
Unikitty: Hi! I am Princess Unikitty, and I welcome you all to Cloud Cuckoo Land!
[Everyone cheers]
Emmet: But there are no signs or anything! How can people know what not to do?
Unikitty: Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules! There's no government, no babysitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy mustaches, and no negativity of any kind.
Wyldstyle: You just said the word "no" like a million times.
Unikitty: And there's also no consistency.
Batman: I hate this place.
Unikitty: All ideas are the good ones, except the not-so-good ideas. Those that push down deep inside where you'll never, ever, ever, [angrily tone] EVER... [normal tone] find them! Your fellow Master Builders are gathered in the Dog!
Emmet: The what?
French Narrator: Meanwhile, at the dog...
Emmet: [Emmet gasps] Is that Superman?
Statue of Liberty: Bonjour.
Superman: Girl, what are you doing right now?
Green Lantern: [appears from behind Emmet] Hey, Superman!
Superman: Oh, hey... Hey, what's up?
Green Lantern: [fixing his mask] Lantern. Green Lantern.
Superman: Yeah, yeah.
Green Lantern: Do you wanna sit together at the meeting?
Superman: Uh, I have to, I have to go back to Krypton. [Superman quickly flies off]
Green Lantern: [the camera pans to Vitruvius addressing the room at large] Did didn't Krypton blow up?
Vitruvius: My fellow Master Builders, including, but not limited to Robin Hood, Mermaid Lady, Gandalf, Swamp Creature, 1980-something Space Guy...
Benny: Hello!
Vitruvius: ...2002 NBA All-Stars and Wonder Woman. You have traveled far to be here for a moment of great import. We have learned that Lord Business plans to unleash a fully weaponized Kragle on Taco Tuesday, to end the world as we know it. [the Master Builders express their shock and outrage] Please, calm yourselves. Green Ninja, Milhouse, Nice Vampire, Michelangelo, Michelangelo and Cleopatra. There is yet one hope; the Special has arisen.
[he steps aside to reveal Emmet while hushed murmurs spread around]
Gandalf: Have the young man step forward.
Vitruvius: As you wish, [says it incorrectly] Dubbledore.
Gandalf: I’m Gandalf.
Dumbledore: It's pronounced Dumbledore.
Vitruvius: Dubbledore?
Dumbledore: No, Dumbledore.
Vitruvius: I thought you said Dubbledore.
Gandalf: Vitruvius?!
Vitruvius: Ah, we gotta write all that down 'cause I'm not gonna remember any of it, but here we go. The Special will now give an eloquent speech. [to Emmet] Go ahead, man, you got this.
Emmet: Okay. [Emmet walks up to the platform and waves to everyone. He clears his throat] Hello, I'm Emmet. [referring to the Piece of Resistance] Oh, and this is the Piece of Resistance. [the Master Builders cheer. Wyldstyle watches in bewilderment] Thank you. Well, eeeeehhhh. I know that I, for one, am very excited to work with you guys, to get into the Octan Tower, find the Kragle and put this thing on the thing, and I know it's going to be really hard, but... [gets interrupted]
Metalbeard: REALLY HARD?! [the audience gasps] Wiping ye bum with a hook for a hand is really hard; this be impossible! The last time we tried to storm Lord Business's office, we used every plan we could conceive. The result was a massacre too terrible to speak of.
Emmet: Who are you?
Metalbeard: The name be Metalbeard, and I'll tell you me tale of woe.
Vitruvius: Oh, great. Here we go again. [Metalbeard recounts his failed attempt in trying to infiltrate Lord Business's office]
Metalbeard: I arrived at the foot of the tower with me hearty Master Builder crew, only to find the Kragle was all the way up on the infinitieth floor, guarded by a robot army. And security measures of every kind imaginable: lasers, sharks, laser sharks, overbearing assistants, and strange, dangerous relics that entrap, snap, and zap. And there be a mysterious room called "The Think Tank". I barely made it out of that room with just me head... [Metalbeard hops out of the tower with his head and escapes on his ship as it purrs away] and organs! [Metalbeard's organs pop out of the Octan tower and land in his ship and it purrs away again]
Emmet: [disturbed] Okay.
Metalbeard: I had to replace every part of my once strapping, virile pirate body with this useless hunk of garbage ye see before ye. So if ye think it'd be a good idea to return to that forsaken place, Special, what idea have ye that be better than the ideas of 100 of our fallen Master Builder brothers?
Emmet: Well, technically I'm not exactly a Master Builder yet.
Metalbeard: WHAT?! [The other Master Builders shout in outrage]
Emmet: Please, everyone, everyone! Please.
William Shakespeare: [throws a pizza] Rubbish!
Emmet: [addressing the Master Builders] Yes, it's true, I may not be a Master Builder. I may not have a lot of experience fighting or leading or coming up with plans, or having ideas in general. In fact, I'm not all that smart, and I'm not what you'd call a creative type; plus, generally unskilled, also scared and cowardly. I know what you're thinking: "He is the least qualified person in the world to lead us!" And you are right!
Swamp Creature: This is supposed to make us feel better?
Vampire Max: Grrrg!
Emmet: What th-? No, there was about to be a but-
Gandalf: You're a butt!
Dumbledore: Yes. [Outside Cloud Cuckoo Land, Metalbeard and a few knights and cowboys are leaving]
Metalbeard: You all be on your own! I be leaved this lost cause! [Metalbeard jumps onto his ship and sails off Cuckoo Land, as it purrs]
Emmet: Why are you leaving?!
Abraham Lincoln: A house divided against itself would be better than this. [Lincoln jumps into his seat and it suddenly takes off like a spaceship]
Emmet: Abraham Lincoln, you bring your space chair right back here! Come on, guys! [nearly gets hit by a falling object] We can [a Master Builder throws cheese at him] still do [another Master Builder throws a DVD disc at him] this! [yet another Master Builder throws a blue disc at him] Oh! Right?
Master Builder #1: You're not even a bit special.
[Wyldstyle, Batman and Unikitty sadly watch]
Batman: [Batman whispering to Wyldstyle as they watch Emmet] Well, you were right about him being a ding-dong. [the Master Builders continue to jeer and throw things at Emmet]
Master Builder #2: You're a huge disappointment!
[Emmet, sad and disappointed, turns and starts walking off]
Master Builder #3: Get him out of here, I don't wanna look at him!
[dolphin chirp, cat yowl]
Emmet: Well, at least it can't get any worse.
Master Builder #4: Special? Not! [A giant golf ball suddenly falls out of nowhere, destroying the Dog.]
Emmet: I was wrong. [Emmet yells and runs away as the falling ball falls onto the ground, crashes through the eye of the dog, and squishes an Island Warrior Master Builder]
Superman: It's the orb of Tee-te-list!
Bad Cop: Ruh-roh, it's the bad guys.
Funny People (2009) as Leo Koenig
View Quote
You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?
View Quote
Mark: When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?
Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.
Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.
View Quote
Mark: Don't put me in this position where I have to **** my way out of a corner!
Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.
Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.
Horton Hears a Who! (2008) as Thomas "Tommy" Cow-Bear
View Quote
It's good.
View Quote
Mayor Ned McDodd: (to Horton) Listen, Horton, turns out I need your help a little bit. Apparently, if that speck keeps moving around, our whole world… could be obliterated. So I need you to find us Whos a safer, more stable home… and fast.
Horton the Elephant: No problem, Mr. Mayor. Let's see… (looks at a flower) Wow! That's a nice view.
(A giraffe-like creature of the species Zatz-It eats the flowers. Horton gets scared.)
Mayor Ned McDodd: Hello, is everything okay?!
(A grape falls on Horton's head. He looks to find out where the grape came from, and it was two woodpecker-like birds who are pecking a pile of grapes, taking turns trying to knock them down, causing them to fall and hit Horton, Horton then dodges 2 more, and a anteater-like creature with a vacuum-like snout of the species Nink walks by consuming flowers, nearby some termite-like insects with bladed teeth. Horton gasps in fear.)
Mayor Ned McDodd: What's going on up there?
(A Zatz-It eating the flowers, the two birds who are now pecking the grapes at the same exact time, just slightly off from each other, Horton gasps in shock.)
Horton the Elephant: (freaking out) OH NO!
(The same thing loops every time and it cuts to the insects eating what it looks like a tree, but is actually just a flower. Horton screams then runs to a hill)
Horton: THIS ENTIRE JUNGLE IS A HOUSE OF DEATH!!! (he stops panicking and looks up) Oh, wait. There's a good spot.
Narrator: And it's then Horton saw at the top of Mount Nool
(the camera flies to Mount Nool's cave with a sunflower, the one that started this whole mess in the first place) a small cave that looked peaceful and quiet and cool,
where a sunflower grew proud and tall from the ground.
There, he knew every Who would be safe. Would be sound.
Horton the Elephant: I found it, Mayor. The perfect place. Right up there. At the top of Mount Nool.
Miss Yelp: Mr. Mayor?
(The mayor was startled when Miss Yelp entered the office)
Horton the Elephant: I wish you could-
(The mayor muted the horn, then starts rubbing it)
Mayor Ned McDodd: Haha, oh, shiny. Haha...
Miss Yelp: The Who-Centennial Committee is waiting for you to look over the giant meatball for the Edible Parade. Oh, and then you're due at the dentist for your Who-root canal.
Mayor Ned McDodd: You know, sticking “Who” in front of everything doesn’t make it hurt less. Just wastes time! (Miss Yelp closes the door) I don’t… wanna go. (to Horton) Listen, Horton, I gotta go. (packs most of his things in his suitcase, including his coffee and his goldfish) Apparently, there’s a problem with the giant meatball.
Horton the Elephant: You just take care of that meatball, sir, and leave the freaking out to me.
Narrator: So then Horton began his long, perilous trek,
determined to save the small world on the speck.
Horton was faithful and stalwart and kind.
Horton the Elephant: I got you. Don't worry. I'll protect you!
Narrator: He was a brave hero... at least in his mind.
Horton the Elephant: (uses his ears as a ninja hood) We must become invisible. Travel silently. For there are forces that would seek to destroy us.
(The camera zooms in on Horton's head as it transitions into an anime-style sequence. A giant tree sprouts up from the ground, blocking his path.)
Horton the Elephant: Huh?! So you think you can sneak up on me, huh?! (combat noises) It is clear that you are no match for my technique. Hey! (kicks a branch, but it snaps back and smacks his butt with an awkward shot of a red mark from below.) I see you have mastered the way of the snapping branch. Watch me tumble! (He jumps from branch to branch to the top of the tree.)
Off-Screen Voice: Morton Mouse, go!
Morton Mouse: You are fast, Horton, but the Kangaroo has monkeys! (Monkeys can be seen flying in from the distance.)
Horton the Elephant: Hm? I will make monkeys of these monkeys. It is their destiny. (He does a Dragon Ball-style to fire a beam of energy at the monkeys.) For the clover!
(cuts to a cute, anime style, with Morton looks in awe.)
Clover: Horton is the greatest hero of them all, haaaa!
(Cuts back to the same anime style)
Horton and Morton: Horton! Morton! GO! (Horton runs forward, screaming, but is stopped by Morton.)
Morton Mouse: But Mount Nool is that way! (Horton felt dumb-founded for a sec.)
Horton the Elephant: Ha-ha-ha! To the top of Mount Nool! As fast as lightning! Away, I go. (He starts to jumpkicks, but snaps back to reality as he trips, landing on a flower.) Oh, sorry little fellow. You'll be fine. Just think healing thoughts.
Animal Kids: Horton, Horton! Look!
(Katie gets bumped by a log repeatedly)
Jessica Quilligan: We've all got our own clovers with worlds on them!
Angela Glummox: Yeah!
Horton the Elephant: Oh...
Katie: In my world, everyone's a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies!
Horton the Elephant: That's beautiful, Katie ! (Katie she puts her flower on the top of her head and walks away)
Katie: Ha-ah-ah.
Horton the Elephant: In a... really weird way.
Jessica Quilligan: My world is called Jessicaland, and everyone worships Queen Jessica because Jessica is so beautiful.
Angela Glummox: Jessica, that was awesome.
(As they talk about their specks with their worlds, Sour is picking some fruits from a tree and she saw his son, with an orange flower and grabs it to her)
Sour Kangaroo: Rudy!
Rudy Kangaroo: Mom, be careful! My best friend Thidwick lives on that!
Sour Kangaroo: Rudy, no one lives on this, it's not possible. (She crushes the flower in front of him.)
Rudy Kangaroo: What...?
Sour Kangaroo: That Horton is a menace.
Rudy Kangaroo: Mom, Mom, please, you're so weird! Don't do this to me!
Sour Kangaroo: Honey, go to your room. (Pushes Rudy's head to her pouch) Horton! (Horton and his class look away, while Jessica and Angela scream in terror and run away at the sight of Sour. Rudy's mother kicks Katie from bush, sending her flying over a tree resembling a football goal, but surprisingly, she finds it amusing)
Tommy Cow-Bear: (happy) Its good.
Sour Kangaroo: (to Horton) What do you think you're doing?
Tommy Cow-Bear: Oh, you guys with worlds are in trouble! (he run away)
Sour Kangaroo: Have you forgotten what we've discussed?
Horton the Elephant: Oh no, I'm an Elephant and Elephants never forget, it's a curse really! I remember, I was on my head and you said hmm and I looked up and you said ,what are you doing?, and I said the thing about the speck, then you pulled my ears and you poked me in the forehead...
Sour Kangaroo: Horton!
Horton the Elephant: : Well you did.
Horton the Elephant: No problem, Mr. Mayor. Let's see… (looks at a flower) Wow! That's a nice view.
(A giraffe-like creature of the species Zatz-It eats the flowers. Horton gets scared.)
Mayor Ned McDodd: Hello, is everything okay?!
(A grape falls on Horton's head. He looks to find out where the grape came from, and it was two woodpecker-like birds who are pecking a pile of grapes, taking turns trying to knock them down, causing them to fall and hit Horton, Horton then dodges 2 more, and a anteater-like creature with a vacuum-like snout of the species Nink walks by consuming flowers, nearby some termite-like insects with bladed teeth. Horton gasps in fear.)
Mayor Ned McDodd: What's going on up there?
(A Zatz-It eating the flowers, the two birds who are now pecking the grapes at the same exact time, just slightly off from each other, Horton gasps in shock.)
Horton the Elephant: (freaking out) OH NO!
(The same thing loops every time and it cuts to the insects eating what it looks like a tree, but is actually just a flower. Horton screams then runs to a hill)
Horton: THIS ENTIRE JUNGLE IS A HOUSE OF DEATH!!! (he stops panicking and looks up) Oh, wait. There's a good spot.
Narrator: And it's then Horton saw at the top of Mount Nool
(the camera flies to Mount Nool's cave with a sunflower, the one that started this whole mess in the first place) a small cave that looked peaceful and quiet and cool,
where a sunflower grew proud and tall from the ground.
There, he knew every Who would be safe. Would be sound.
Horton the Elephant: I found it, Mayor. The perfect place. Right up there. At the top of Mount Nool.
Miss Yelp: Mr. Mayor?
(The mayor was startled when Miss Yelp entered the office)
Horton the Elephant: I wish you could-
(The mayor muted the horn, then starts rubbing it)
Mayor Ned McDodd: Haha, oh, shiny. Haha...
Miss Yelp: The Who-Centennial Committee is waiting for you to look over the giant meatball for the Edible Parade. Oh, and then you're due at the dentist for your Who-root canal.
Mayor Ned McDodd: You know, sticking “Who” in front of everything doesn’t make it hurt less. Just wastes time! (Miss Yelp closes the door) I don’t… wanna go. (to Horton) Listen, Horton, I gotta go. (packs most of his things in his suitcase, including his coffee and his goldfish) Apparently, there’s a problem with the giant meatball.
Horton the Elephant: You just take care of that meatball, sir, and leave the freaking out to me.
Narrator: So then Horton began his long, perilous trek,
determined to save the small world on the speck.
Horton was faithful and stalwart and kind.
Horton the Elephant: I got you. Don't worry. I'll protect you!
Narrator: He was a brave hero... at least in his mind.
Horton the Elephant: (uses his ears as a ninja hood) We must become invisible. Travel silently. For there are forces that would seek to destroy us.
(The camera zooms in on Horton's head as it transitions into an anime-style sequence. A giant tree sprouts up from the ground, blocking his path.)
Horton the Elephant: Huh?! So you think you can sneak up on me, huh?! (combat noises) It is clear that you are no match for my technique. Hey! (kicks a branch, but it snaps back and smacks his butt with an awkward shot of a red mark from below.) I see you have mastered the way of the snapping branch. Watch me tumble! (He jumps from branch to branch to the top of the tree.)
Off-Screen Voice: Morton Mouse, go!
Morton Mouse: You are fast, Horton, but the Kangaroo has monkeys! (Monkeys can be seen flying in from the distance.)
Horton the Elephant: Hm? I will make monkeys of these monkeys. It is their destiny. (He does a Dragon Ball-style to fire a beam of energy at the monkeys.) For the clover!
(cuts to a cute, anime style, with Morton looks in awe.)
Clover: Horton is the greatest hero of them all, haaaa!
(Cuts back to the same anime style)
Horton and Morton: Horton! Morton! GO! (Horton runs forward, screaming, but is stopped by Morton.)
Morton Mouse: But Mount Nool is that way! (Horton felt dumb-founded for a sec.)
Horton the Elephant: Ha-ha-ha! To the top of Mount Nool! As fast as lightning! Away, I go. (He starts to jumpkicks, but snaps back to reality as he trips, landing on a flower.) Oh, sorry little fellow. You'll be fine. Just think healing thoughts.
Animal Kids: Horton, Horton! Look!
(Katie gets bumped by a log repeatedly)
Jessica Quilligan: We've all got our own clovers with worlds on them!
Angela Glummox: Yeah!
Horton the Elephant: Oh...
Katie: In my world, everyone's a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies!
Horton the Elephant: That's beautiful, Katie ! (Katie she puts her flower on the top of her head and walks away)
Katie: Ha-ah-ah.
Horton the Elephant: In a... really weird way.
Jessica Quilligan: My world is called Jessicaland, and everyone worships Queen Jessica because Jessica is so beautiful.
Angela Glummox: Jessica, that was awesome.
(As they talk about their specks with their worlds, Sour is picking some fruits from a tree and she saw his son, with an orange flower and grabs it to her)
Sour Kangaroo: Rudy!
Rudy Kangaroo: Mom, be careful! My best friend Thidwick lives on that!
Sour Kangaroo: Rudy, no one lives on this, it's not possible. (She crushes the flower in front of him.)
Rudy Kangaroo: What...?
Sour Kangaroo: That Horton is a menace.
Rudy Kangaroo: Mom, Mom, please, you're so weird! Don't do this to me!
Sour Kangaroo: Honey, go to your room. (Pushes Rudy's head to her pouch) Horton! (Horton and his class look away, while Jessica and Angela scream in terror and run away at the sight of Sour. Rudy's mother kicks Katie from bush, sending her flying over a tree resembling a football goal, but surprisingly, she finds it amusing)
Tommy Cow-Bear: (happy) Its good.
Sour Kangaroo: (to Horton) What do you think you're doing?
Tommy Cow-Bear: Oh, you guys with worlds are in trouble! (he run away)
Sour Kangaroo: Have you forgotten what we've discussed?
Horton the Elephant: Oh no, I'm an Elephant and Elephants never forget, it's a curse really! I remember, I was on my head and you said hmm and I looked up and you said ,what are you doing?, and I said the thing about the speck, then you pulled my ears and you poked me in the forehead...
Sour Kangaroo: Horton!
Horton the Elephant: : Well you did.
View Quote
(He looks up to see some Angela Glummox, Jessica Quilligan, Thomas "Tommy" Cow-Bear and Katie the Yak)
Horton the Elephant: Good morning, class. Are you ready?
Animal Kids: Yeah!
Horton the Elephant: Jump on board!
(The strange jungle animals drop down onto his back.)
Tommy Cow-Bear: (offscreen) Look out below! (He lands hardly on Horton’s back.)
Horton the Elephant: Tommy’s on board. Katie, you there?
Katie: (lands on his back) Ha-ah-a.
Horton the Elephant: Okay. (The kind elephant escorts the kids to a lush tree, then stops.) Shh. There it is. (refers to a leaf on a twig) This is one of the jungle's most amazing creatures. The leaf bug. In order to protect itself from predators, it disguises itself as a leaf. (He pokes at it, with no response from the leaf. And then he climbs on the tree and tries to pull it off.) This one's got quite a deep grip. Come on, little buddy! Don't be shy! (He falls back from the tree.) I guess I was mistaken, kids. (leaf bugs were all over him) There are obviously no leaf bugs in this area. Even if they're... (notices the leaf bugs) OH! THEY’RE ON ME!! (rolls around) Get them off! (accidentally sucks up a leaf bug, which gags in disgust, and bangs his head) I think I swallowed one. (He blows his trunk, and slams it on the ground, trying to get the bug out, before turning to Tommy.) Tommy! PULL IT OUT!!!
Tommy Cow-Bear: (unsure) Uh... okay.
(The animal kids pull on Horton’s trunk and he swings them around. Meanwhile, a purple kangaroo and her son were hopping through the jungle of Nool.)
Narrator: Then, hopping a “humph!" was Sour Kangaroo,
the type who's convinced(buffalo-like animal from species of Yawling Yak notices Sour approaching and hides in the grass) she knows better than you.
(A Deer-whose-horns-are-connected-from-one-to-the-other full of chicken-like birds from species of Sala-ma-gooxes sees Sour coming as the birds on the Deer-whose-horns-are-connected-from-one-to-the-other's antlers flied off while the mammal hides in the water.) She made every law and then forced every rule
as self-proclaimed head of the Jungle of Nool. (Sour humphed when she sees the kids try to get the bug out of Horton. Her son, Rudy, looks at them in confusion.)
Rudy Kangaroo: Why can't I play with the other kids. Mom?
Sour Kangaroo: How many times have I told you that the jungle is no place to act like a wild animal?
(The young animals then flew into the bushes and Horton spits out the leaf bug. As it tries to fly, Katie catches it with her tongue and eats it like a frog. Jessica's and Angela's mothers look at it and talk to Sour)
Mrs. Glummox (amused): My, that Horton certainly is eccentric.
Mrs. Quilligan (pointing at Horton): And that children are learning so much from him.
(Sour looks at her angrily)
Sour Kangaroo (sarcastically): Learning to be a bunch a hairbrain half-wits. (proudly; she pats his son on the head) And that's why my Rudy is pouch-schooled.
Narrator: So, while Kangaroo stood there sneering a sneer...
Tommy Cow-Bear: Horton, that was the best time I've ever had in my life! What are you gonna show us next?! (Soon, a speck arrived near Horton.)
Narrator: Once again the speck floated right by Horton's ear.
Speck: Help!
Narrator: And he heard it again! Just a very faint yelp,
as if some tiny person were calling for help.
(He imagines a helpless Who hanging onto the speck in Dr. Seuss illustration, then cuts back to Horton.)
Narrator: And you know what he thought? What he thought there must
be someone on top of that small speck of dust.
Or even a family. It just might be so.
A family with children just starting to grow.
(He then imagines a helpless Who family hanging onto the speck.)
Who-Boy: I WANNA LIVE!
(Out of his thought, Horton decides to quickly save that speck.)
Horton the Elephant: Uh… i gotta go! Katie, you’re in charge! (He runs off)
(As he runs off. Katie she opens her mouth to release the leaf bug, which chases after the other kids, who run away from it. Soon, Horton ran pass the mothers.)
Horton the Elephant: Wait! Come back.
(Cuts to chimpanzee-like apes of the species The Wickersham as they are chanting for Yummo Wickersham)
Wickershams: One more, one more, One more, one more.
(Yummo Wickersham has a bunch of bananas in his mouth, managing to fit one more as one of the bananas stick out their nose, splitting open, and they all cheer. Cuts to the two Yummo's younger brothers named Nuts and Nits at the top of the tree)
Nits Wickersham: Hear someone coming!
Nuts Wickersham: Get me those!
(He takes the bananas and can see Horton running by the bananas, blocking his view.)
Horton the Elephant: Wait!
Nuts Wickersham: Sound the alarm!
(Nits Wickersham reaches higher into the tree and grabs another Wickersham's leg, biting it and causing them to scream out in pain, alerting the other Wickershams of Horton's presence.)
Horton the Elephant: Excuse me! Pardon my stampede!
(The Wickershams are flung above the trees)
Horton the Elephant: Sorry, Wickershams. I promise I'm gonna clean all this up later!
Yummo Wickersham: Bring the ammo!
(Two Wichershams by his sides grab some bananas with a mischievous chuckle, and stick them under Yummo's armpits, and in slow motion, shows as he crushes the bananas with his armpits, like a minigun. Then back to real motion to show how fast the bananas are being launched at Horton.)
Horton the Elephant: I love the smell of the bananas in the morning.
(The Wickershams reveal from the leaf tree to show a big ball that's made of bananas)
Wickersham: Banana in the Hole!
(The big banana ball is being launched at Horton.)
Horton the Elephant: Come on, guys! We're all mammals! (in slow-motion) Woah! (As Henry Kissinger) I feel the diplomatic process is beginning to break down. (In regular motion, he slips through a pile of banana peels, sliding through until he sees that speck) There you are. I got ya. I got ya. (He tries to get that speck with his trunk, but to no rescue; while running after the speck) Hi, kids.
Horton the Elephant: Good morning, class. Are you ready?
Animal Kids: Yeah!
Horton the Elephant: Jump on board!
(The strange jungle animals drop down onto his back.)
Tommy Cow-Bear: (offscreen) Look out below! (He lands hardly on Horton’s back.)
Horton the Elephant: Tommy’s on board. Katie, you there?
Katie: (lands on his back) Ha-ah-a.
Horton the Elephant: Okay. (The kind elephant escorts the kids to a lush tree, then stops.) Shh. There it is. (refers to a leaf on a twig) This is one of the jungle's most amazing creatures. The leaf bug. In order to protect itself from predators, it disguises itself as a leaf. (He pokes at it, with no response from the leaf. And then he climbs on the tree and tries to pull it off.) This one's got quite a deep grip. Come on, little buddy! Don't be shy! (He falls back from the tree.) I guess I was mistaken, kids. (leaf bugs were all over him) There are obviously no leaf bugs in this area. Even if they're... (notices the leaf bugs) OH! THEY’RE ON ME!! (rolls around) Get them off! (accidentally sucks up a leaf bug, which gags in disgust, and bangs his head) I think I swallowed one. (He blows his trunk, and slams it on the ground, trying to get the bug out, before turning to Tommy.) Tommy! PULL IT OUT!!!
Tommy Cow-Bear: (unsure) Uh... okay.
(The animal kids pull on Horton’s trunk and he swings them around. Meanwhile, a purple kangaroo and her son were hopping through the jungle of Nool.)
Narrator: Then, hopping a “humph!" was Sour Kangaroo,
the type who's convinced(buffalo-like animal from species of Yawling Yak notices Sour approaching and hides in the grass) she knows better than you.
(A Deer-whose-horns-are-connected-from-one-to-the-other full of chicken-like birds from species of Sala-ma-gooxes sees Sour coming as the birds on the Deer-whose-horns-are-connected-from-one-to-the-other's antlers flied off while the mammal hides in the water.) She made every law and then forced every rule
as self-proclaimed head of the Jungle of Nool. (Sour humphed when she sees the kids try to get the bug out of Horton. Her son, Rudy, looks at them in confusion.)
Rudy Kangaroo: Why can't I play with the other kids. Mom?
Sour Kangaroo: How many times have I told you that the jungle is no place to act like a wild animal?
(The young animals then flew into the bushes and Horton spits out the leaf bug. As it tries to fly, Katie catches it with her tongue and eats it like a frog. Jessica's and Angela's mothers look at it and talk to Sour)
Mrs. Glummox (amused): My, that Horton certainly is eccentric.
Mrs. Quilligan (pointing at Horton): And that children are learning so much from him.
(Sour looks at her angrily)
Sour Kangaroo (sarcastically): Learning to be a bunch a hairbrain half-wits. (proudly; she pats his son on the head) And that's why my Rudy is pouch-schooled.
Narrator: So, while Kangaroo stood there sneering a sneer...
Tommy Cow-Bear: Horton, that was the best time I've ever had in my life! What are you gonna show us next?! (Soon, a speck arrived near Horton.)
Narrator: Once again the speck floated right by Horton's ear.
Speck: Help!
Narrator: And he heard it again! Just a very faint yelp,
as if some tiny person were calling for help.
(He imagines a helpless Who hanging onto the speck in Dr. Seuss illustration, then cuts back to Horton.)
Narrator: And you know what he thought? What he thought there must
be someone on top of that small speck of dust.
Or even a family. It just might be so.
A family with children just starting to grow.
(He then imagines a helpless Who family hanging onto the speck.)
Who-Boy: I WANNA LIVE!
(Out of his thought, Horton decides to quickly save that speck.)
Horton the Elephant: Uh… i gotta go! Katie, you’re in charge! (He runs off)
(As he runs off. Katie she opens her mouth to release the leaf bug, which chases after the other kids, who run away from it. Soon, Horton ran pass the mothers.)
Horton the Elephant: Wait! Come back.
(Cuts to chimpanzee-like apes of the species The Wickersham as they are chanting for Yummo Wickersham)
Wickershams: One more, one more, One more, one more.
(Yummo Wickersham has a bunch of bananas in his mouth, managing to fit one more as one of the bananas stick out their nose, splitting open, and they all cheer. Cuts to the two Yummo's younger brothers named Nuts and Nits at the top of the tree)
Nits Wickersham: Hear someone coming!
Nuts Wickersham: Get me those!
(He takes the bananas and can see Horton running by the bananas, blocking his view.)
Horton the Elephant: Wait!
Nuts Wickersham: Sound the alarm!
(Nits Wickersham reaches higher into the tree and grabs another Wickersham's leg, biting it and causing them to scream out in pain, alerting the other Wickershams of Horton's presence.)
Horton the Elephant: Excuse me! Pardon my stampede!
(The Wickershams are flung above the trees)
Horton the Elephant: Sorry, Wickershams. I promise I'm gonna clean all this up later!
Yummo Wickersham: Bring the ammo!
(Two Wichershams by his sides grab some bananas with a mischievous chuckle, and stick them under Yummo's armpits, and in slow motion, shows as he crushes the bananas with his armpits, like a minigun. Then back to real motion to show how fast the bananas are being launched at Horton.)
Horton the Elephant: I love the smell of the bananas in the morning.
(The Wickershams reveal from the leaf tree to show a big ball that's made of bananas)
Wickersham: Banana in the Hole!
(The big banana ball is being launched at Horton.)
Horton the Elephant: Come on, guys! We're all mammals! (in slow-motion) Woah! (As Henry Kissinger) I feel the diplomatic process is beginning to break down. (In regular motion, he slips through a pile of banana peels, sliding through until he sees that speck) There you are. I got ya. I got ya. (He tries to get that speck with his trunk, but to no rescue; while running after the speck) Hi, kids.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) as Matthew Van Der Wyk
View Quote
Sarah Marshall: [after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
Aldous Snow: Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.
Aldous Snow: Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous: No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.
Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
Aldous Snow: Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.
Aldous Snow: Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous: No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.
Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
View Quote
Matthew Van Der Wyk: [into the phone, deadpan] Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my **** job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. [notices Peter approaching] Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?
Peter Bretter: Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter: No.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: You're just... by yourself?
Peter Bretter: Yeah.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. [leads him to his table] Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.
Peter Bretter: Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter: No.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: You're just... by yourself?
Peter Bretter: Yeah.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. [leads him to his table] Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.
View Quote
Matthew Van Der Wyk: or do you want it without your cake?
Aldous Snow: I don't drink.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...
Aldous Snow: Okay.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: 'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, [Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent] "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!"
Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that me?
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.
Aldous Snow: I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
...
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Just not at all?
Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: [Whispers] **** you. Okay? Go **** yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I **** hate you. I bought all your records, this whole **** time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people **** with your food the rest of your trip! You **** dick! [Walks away]
Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.
Aldous Snow: I don't drink.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...
Aldous Snow: Okay.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: 'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, [Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent] "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!"
Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that me?
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.
Aldous Snow: I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
...
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Just not at all?
Aldous Snow: No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: [Whispers] **** you. Okay? Go **** yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I **** hate you. I bought all your records, this whole **** time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people **** with your food the rest of your trip! You **** dick! [Walks away]
Aldous Snow: I like him. That's quite moving.
Sausage Party (2016) as Carl
View Quote
Frank: Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? [chuckles] Sorry about those guys. They're such **** dicks, right?
Carl: [off-screen] Uh, I can hear you, dude.
Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, **** you. [turns back to Brenda] So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? [chuckles] You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the Gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because, we belong together.
Brenda: It's like, we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty **** nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so. [laughs]
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet **** ****. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both Frank and Brenda: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty. [Laughs]
[Frank and Brenda are about to touch the tips but then stop]
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
[Frank and Brenda then touch the tips]
Frank & Brenda: Ah.
Frank: Ooh. Oh yeah, go in there.
Brenda: Ooh. Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
Carl: [off-screen] Uh, I can hear you, dude.
Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, **** you. [turns back to Brenda] So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? [chuckles] You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the Gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because, we belong together.
Brenda: It's like, we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty **** nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so. [laughs]
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet **** ****. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both Frank and Brenda: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty. [Laughs]
[Frank and Brenda are about to touch the tips but then stop]
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
[Frank and Brenda then touch the tips]
Frank & Brenda: Ah.
Frank: Ooh. Oh yeah, go in there.
Brenda: Ooh. Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
View Quote
Honey Mustard: WAKE UP! They're lying to your **** faces! THE GREAT BEYOND IS BULLSHIT! Why isn't anyone listening to me?!
Frank: Hey, buddy. Are you alright?
Honey Mustard: NO! I'm not alright! It's all a lie! Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.
Carl: Hey, Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, what is he? Honey? Is he mustard? It's like, make up your mind, or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You **** idiots! I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great", my ASSHOLE! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our **** faces, covering our eyes with their ****, so ****-covered we can't **** see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Dude, shut up, the gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting, monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. [gives the human the finger] **** YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
Frank: Hey, buddy. Are you alright?
Honey Mustard: NO! I'm not alright! It's all a lie! Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.
Carl: Hey, Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, what is he? Honey? Is he mustard? It's like, make up your mind, or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You **** idiots! I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great", my ASSHOLE! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our **** faces, covering our eyes with their ****, so ****-covered we can't **** see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Dude, shut up, the gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting, monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. [gives the human the finger] **** YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
View Quote
Frank: [Frank, Carl, Barry and Troy notices that an evil manager named Darren comes to the Sausages and Buns bin] SHIT! It's the Dark Lord!
Carl: Oh no! He's coming!
Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh, I swear! I'm still FRESH! [Darren takes the Old Pork Sausage and throws it away in the garbage]
Carl: Did he see us?
Frank: No way!
Troy: We're ****, bros!
Barry: Oh God! No! Take anyone, but us! Please! [Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]
Darren: **** you, weenies. [throws a package of screaming sausages into the garbage can; sighs] ****, I hate this **** job!
Carl: Oh no! He's coming!
Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh, I swear! I'm still FRESH! [Darren takes the Old Pork Sausage and throws it away in the garbage]
Carl: Did he see us?
Frank: No way!
Troy: We're ****, bros!
Barry: Oh God! No! Take anyone, but us! Please! [Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]
Darren: **** you, weenies. [throws a package of screaming sausages into the garbage can; sighs] ****, I hate this **** job!
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