Seth quotes from Superbad (2007)

Seth

Have you ever stared into his eyes? It's like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Seth

Shut the **** up, Fagell!

Seth

I want you to have a drink with me. Just drink some of this. You're gonna love it. It's green beer... for your information...

Seth

Do you have any other clothes or do you only shop at Baby Gap?

Seth

I had a general outline...I was gonna go down on her for like five hours. She'd love that. She'd be smitten by that.

Seth

No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since 'Nam.

Seth

Fine, Evan. Here it goes. When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem, and it's not even that big of a deal. Something like 8% of kids do it, but whatever. It's--for some reason, I would just kinda sit around all day...and draw pictures of dicks.

Seth

They literally made me stop eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hotdogs, no popsicles. You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kind!

Seth

You look like a future pedophile in this picture, number one. Number two, it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!

Seth

You used my leg as a tampon!

Seth

You don't want girls to think you suck dick at **** pussy!

Seth

Yeah, well, while you guys are at Dartmouth, I'll be over at State where the girls are half as smart and thus twice as likely to fellace(sic) me.

Seth

By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag!

Seth

So this one day I was finishing up this big, veiny, triumphant bastard...

Seth

Quit being such a vagi! **** it, I'm about to graduate. They should be suckin' on my ballsack. That's the least they can do for stealing 3 years of my life.

Seth

Boop.

Seth

You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have **** that guy?' We could be that mistake!

Seth

I joined this class, because I thought I would be working with a partner, but she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Seth

I know, but look at Evan, OK just look at him. I'm over here in my unit, I slave alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that!! Looks like the most fun, I've ever seen in my entire life; and it's bullshit. Sorry, excuse my language, I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know Home Ec is a joke, no offense, it's just like everyone joins this class to get an "A". It's bullshit and I'm sorry, and I'm not putting down your profession, but its just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here all by myself, cooking the shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't ever need to cook "Tiramasu." When am I gonna need to cook tiramasu? Am I gonna be a chef? No. There's two weeks left of school, just give me a **** break... Sorry for cursing.

Seth

You bitched out, **** Judas!

Seth

She looks like she could take a dick.

Seth

Do alcoholics get hangovers?

Seth

Watch your step, I fell earlier today. Well I was hit by a car, it's a long story.

Seth

Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to **** me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!

Seth

See the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.

Seth

She looked at me in the eyes and said, "Seth, mama's makin' a pubie salad and I need some of Seth's Own Dressing."

Seth

These girls are 18 years old, they're not dried up old ladies, they're good to go!

Seth

Hey, we're blood brothers!

Seth

Why the **** would it be between that and Muhammed?

Seth

She's DTF, she's Down To ****, man. P in Vagi.

Seth

I can't decide whether I want to subscribe to the Vag-tasic Voyage!

Seth

Seven dollars, what are you 6?

Seth

What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my pussy! I could never handle your **** four-inch dick inside my pussy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!

Seth

What, so I gotta sit here and eat dessert alone like I’m **** Steven Glandsberg?

Seth

Oh **** me...

Evan

Look at those nipples...

Seth

They look like little baby toes.

Evan

It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.

Seth

Y'know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome! I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Seth

I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.

Evan

Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Seth

I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Teacher

I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

Seth

I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

Evan

Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.

Seth

I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.

Teacher

All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

Seth

Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.

Evan

I still think you have a chance with Jules man. Really I mean she got incredibly hot over the summer and she obviously hasn't realized it yet cause she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.

Seth

Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like **** Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.

Evan

I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, y'know? I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar I want a little production value, y'know like some editing, transition, something, some music...

Seth

Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?

Seth

Enjoy your remaining years!

Old Lady

I will. Enjoy **** Jules!

Seth

I will!

Jules

Seth, are you crying?

Seth

No I just have something in both my eyes...

Evan

I heard she got breast reduction surgery.

Seth

What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.

Evan

She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.

Seth

Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.

Seth

I can get you guys alcohol.

Jules

Really? Seriously?

Seth

Yes, for sure.

Jules

That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.

Seth

Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.

Gym Teacher

Seth, get off the field

Seth

GOAL!

Gym Teacher

You're getting that!

Seth

No, I'm not!

Evan

Look at those nipples.

Seth

They're like little baby toes.

Evan

It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Seth

You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Seth

You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?

Evan

Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?

Seth

Yeah.

Evan

I guess so, but she was insanely hot.

Seth

Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!

Evan

How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.

Seth

Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.

Evan

You're like Orson Welles.

Seth

Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!

Evan

You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.

Seth

Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.

Evan

Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth

Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan

No.

Seth

Not for me.

Gym Teacher

Seth, get off the field!

Evan

Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.

Seth

Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid **** friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to **** me, she wants my dick... [Catches breath] in and around her mouth.

Evan

Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?

Seth

Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to ****, man. P and Vagi, she wants to ****, man! Tonight is a night that **** is an actual possibility.

Evan

You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

Seth

No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.

Seth

You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.

Evan

I should buy Becca alcohol?

Seth

Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have **** that guy!" We could be that mistake!

Evan

Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?

Seth

No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since 'Nam!

Evan

Do you want to get killed for liquor?

Seth

No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!

:

Seth

You **** prick!

Evan

What?

Seth

You bailed on me.

Evan

I didn't bail on you.

Seth

Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"!

Evan

You're the one that drive me to that **** party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!

Seth

You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!

Evan

The fu— [scoffs] It finally comes out. That's good, man.

Seth

We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into **** DARTMOUTH!

Evan

You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school!

Seth

How the **** am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—

Evan

How **** selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there. You obviously don't want me going to a good school.

Seth

****, man!

Evan

So what the **** do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!

Seth

What are you saying?

Evan

I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a **** friendless virgin!

Seth

Is this about Becca? Is this about some girl, man?

Evan

I like her!

Seth

Who gives a ****? She's a **** girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that?

Evan

**** you, man! You're a piece of shit.

Seth

**** you! And next time you're pissed off about something, don't keep it inside for ten years! Say it like a **** man! [punches Evan]

Evan

Don't touch me.

Seth

**** you!