Rachel Jansen Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]
Rachel Jansen Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
Um, okay. How much is that?
Rachel Jansen $6,000 a night.
Rachel Jansen Beautiful views.
I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.
Rachel Jansen Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.
She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Rachel Jansen Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
Okay, like, this is fine, right?
Rachel Jansen Sir?
It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
Rachel Jansen Uh-huh.
Rachel Jansen Yup.
I wish I wasn't wearing this **** shirt.
Rachel Jansen Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.
I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]
Really, what are you doing here?
I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
[enters the lobby]
Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
Rachel Jansen Uh-huh?
Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
Rachel Jansen I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
Rachel Jansen [smiles and nods]
Yes, sir.
Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
Rachel Jansen Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
Why are you doing this for me?
Rachel Jansen She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Rachel Jansen Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
[tries to read her nametag]
Rachel...
Rachel Jansen Jansen.
Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
Rachel Jansen Go. Go enjoy yourself!
[answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony]
Hello?
Rachel Jansen Peter?
Rachel Jansen No, it's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.
[making an effort to control his voice]
Hey.
Rachel Jansen Hey, what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?
Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. [his voice begins to break again] I think it's coming from the floor above me.
Rachel Jansen You're on the top floor.
[pause]
I'll try and keep it down.
Rachel Jansen Are you okay?
Yeah, you have a nice night.
Rachel Jansen Okay. [she hangs up. Cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.]
Rachel Jansen Where's your wife, sir?
How are things going with the lady?
Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... [pause] wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!
Rachel Jansen Good night, sir.
Off to find the mythical clitoris!
Rachel Jansen So! [Peter snickers into his drink] Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.
Rachel Jansen Yeah.
That's very funny. It is.
Rachel Jansen Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
I do the music for that program. [awkward pause]
Rachel Jansen Well, did I mention that the music rocks?
[chuckles]
That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. [mimics a line from the show] "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" [imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]
Rachel Jansen Wow, we’re really going up to the edge of this, huh?
Rachel Jansen Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?
It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...
Rachel Jansen Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?
I just don't feel like doing anything.
Rachel Jansen Why?
'Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.
Rachel Jansen Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
Rachel Jansen Right.
We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.
Rachel Jansen So, jump then.
No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?
Rachel Jansen No. Just do it. You’ll be fine. Jump.
Oh, god. Oh god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.
Rachel Jansen So, are you gonna jump, or what.
Rachel Jansen Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.
Rachel Jansen Chicken, come on.
[while hanging from a cliff]
So what should I do? I should just let go?
Rachel Jansen No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!
Totally. So what do I do?!
Rachel Jansen Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!
Rachel Jansen I don't know, Peter- just get off the **** rock!
Rachel Jansen Two!
Two! [pause] Two and a half-
Rachel Jansen Jump!
Three! [jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel]
Rachel Jansen Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.
Rachel Jansen I was there I witnessed it.
[smiling]
Thanks.
[She kisses him]
[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]
So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
[quietly and angrily]
Just please get some seltzer water.
Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
[in mock reaction to the dessert]
Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Rachel Jansen Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Rachel Jansen [laughs]
It's good, huh?
Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
Rachel Jansen Listen to me, Peter. I was a mess, too. I understand that, okay? But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole!
Rachel, look, I know that I **** things up for a minute, but I am not like every other asshole!
Rachel Jansen You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody.
I know... I know that there is something here. I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.
Rachel Jansen [quietly]
I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. Peter, I need you to go.
[pause, nods]
I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.
Wow! You came... I- I can't believe that you came.
Rachel Jansen Peter, this is... this is great. It was really funny, yeah.
Thank you. You know what? I didn't realize that it was a comedy and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! [they laugh, then there is an awkward pause] How long are you in town for?
Rachel Jansen Open-ended.
Rachel Jansen [smiles]
Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.
[smiles]
Congratulations.
Rachel Jansen Yeah, maybe. [pause You never called.
You told me not to... and I listened. [pause] Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number. [he and Rachel laugh]
