Matthew Van Der Wyk
[into the phone, deadpan]
Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my **** job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. [notices Peter approaching] Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?
Peter Bretter
Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter
No.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Or, your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter
No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
You're just... by yourself?
Peter Bretter
Yeah.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. [leads him to his table] Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
Peter Bretter
I'll be all right, thank you.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
I just would be so depressed.
Sarah Marshall
[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]
So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
Aldous Snow
Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
Sarah Marshall
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow
D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Sarah Marshall
[quietly and angrily]
Just please get some seltzer water.
Aldous Snow
Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
Matthew Van Der Wyk
I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous
No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
PB Peter Brenner
[in mock reaction to the dessert]
Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Rachel Jansen
Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Peter Bretter
I love Hawaii.
Rachel Jansen
[laughs]
It's good, huh?
Sarah Marshall
Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen
Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
or do you want it without your cake?
Aldous Snow
I don't drink.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...
Aldous Snow
Okay.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, [Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent] "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!"
Aldous Snow
That stupid English voice, was that me?
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.
Aldous Snow
I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
...
Matthew Van Der Wyk
I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow
Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
Just not at all?
Aldous Snow
No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
Matthew Van Der Wyk
[Whispers]
**** you. Okay? Go **** yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I **** hate you. I bought all your records, this whole **** time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people **** with your food the rest of your trip! You **** dick! [Walks away]
Aldous Snow
I like him. That's quite moving.
