[All record executives are in a meeting in Sergio's office to be lambasted over their chronic lack of success]
We gotta thicken our revenue stream! We gotta thicken our **** stream! We gotta thicken the **** out of that stream right now! Shit is serious out here! The music business is failing! The bubble done pop! [Someone's phone rings and everyone looks around and Aaron looks at the Jazz producer's to get him to admit it] Whose phone is that?
JP Jazz producer
It's my phone, man.
JP Jazz producer
It's mine, yeah.
JP Jazz producer
Definitely. [Answers phone] What's up, bro? Yeah. No, I can't talk right now. Yeah, he's actually staring at me, he's really pissed right now. Swear to God, I'm not joking, man. Yeah, 6:30. I gotta go right now, though. Bye. I apologize about that.
Throw that phone out of my office!
JP Jazz producer
Please don't make me do that.
Throw that **** phone out of my office!
JP Jazz producer
Right on. [He complies]
Y'all think this meeting is for me. No. No, this meeting is not for me. It's for y'all! See, see, I'm gonna be all right. I'm straight. I got villas in Brazil, Tahiti, East Hampton, Westhampton. Sergio gonna be fine! **** the recession. I own 20 Koo Koo Roos!
I own 21 Koo Koo Roos. Y'all don't own one Koo Koo Roo. Not one. Not one. Y'all are ****!
B Bodyguard
You all are [in a high pitch] ****!
He's not wrong. Everyone loves chicken. I'm doing fine. Please, people, help me help you. Who's first?
M Matty
Me first, Sergio. There's this Taiwanese phone company, TEC, it's got great valuation, it's a steal, dude. We buy that shit, we're not just selling the ring tones, we're selling the **** hardware, bitch.
Does this look like a telephone company to you? We make records here. This is not Cingular Wireless. Anybody here know anything about Cingular's wireless broadband, any of that **** phone shit?
Well, you know something, you should. Don't be proud of your ignorance. Now tell me something good.
M Matty
I just discovered the next Alicia Keys. I swear to God above, I can vouch for her.
What was your last discovery?
I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?
Yeah, Chocolate mother**** Daddy. He discovered Chocolate Daddy. How much did Chocolate Daddy sell?
M Matty
Fifteen thousand units.
Fifteen thousand units. I'm proud of every unit. I'm proud of those units.
M Matty
I'm telling you, this girl is...
Shut the **** up, man. Please.
M Matty
[Kevin mouths "Don't talk to him, please]
I'm not gonna talk anymore.
Shut the **** up! Fifteen thousand units! You made me vouch for Chocolate Daddy! Fifteen thousand units! I got six **** kids! You know how much money that is to put them through school? You know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear? I'm sorry for my outburst. I'm having a panic attack right now. [Motions to Aaron] You. What you so quiet for?
Aaron Just thinking of ideas.
That's what we need. We need ideas. Share. Share with the group.
Aaron Okay. Next month is the 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow Live at the Greek Theatre, which is one of the highest selling live albums of all time. And if we did some sort of anniversary concert, I did the figures, and it can generate millions of dollars in revenue.
So you think one show is gonna change our game.
Aaron Well, we simulcast on HBO, Facebook. We charge them each a million bucks to co-sponsor the event. And that'll jump-start sales of his back catalog, which we can re-release, re-master, with additional tracks and a live DVD of the concert.
Come on. We need a game changer. And Aldous Snow is not it.
Aaron Aldous Snow is one of the last remaining rock stars.
With all due respect, maybe a game changer's not what we need.
Aaron He's a real musician, and we have a chance to make real music, and that's how we can succeed. And personally, I think it would kick ass to see him play live again. That's why we're all in this business, right? To... 'Cause we're fans?
That's really nice. Now I need y'all to listen to something that's a game changer. Play that shit. [Starts playing Infant Sorrow rap song with vulgar lyrics and all staff starts dancing in seats] This is a game changer right here.
D Duffy
[Aaron knocks on door of Aldous's flat and Duffy the assistant greets him]
Hey! Aaron Green, yeah? From Pinnacle.
Aaron Hey, man! Hey! Yes.
Aaron Oh, two. Right. [Kisses Duffy on both cheeks] Europe.
D Duffy
Europe. Yeah. So, the Greek concert. In about three days?
Aaron Three days.
D Duffy
Yeah, Aldous is really excited. We all are. This is fantastic.
Aaron I'm so ready!
Aaron Cheerio!
Aaron I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
D Duffy
Okay, come in, come in. Cool. He's gonna be a moment. Just go and wait for him outside on the terrace.
Aaron I shouldn't have done that. [Admiring view of London skyline from patio] This is awesome.
Hey! I'm Aldous Snow, the rock star.
Aaron Oh, man! I mean, your place is great! This is gonna be so much fun. We're gonna travel together...
Aaron I'm sorry. I'm Aaron Green.
What are you doing in me house?
Aaron I'm from Pinnacle. I'm here to take you to the 10-year anniversary show at the Greek.
That's not for another two months. Mum?
This joker's here to change the date of the Greek concert.
L Lena
Why would they do that? Why would they do that?
Remember that concert in Los Angeles?
It's supposed to be in two months, isn't it?
D Duffy
Yeah, two months.
Two months, right, exactly. They've changed it.
Aaron We had spoken about it.
I've never seen you before in my life. I don't like change. I don't like it when things change. It's unsettling, isn't it?
L Lena
Would you like a biscuit?
D Duffy
Or a lolly? Codeine?
Mum, Duffy, just objectively, is this fair?
LA Lena and Duffy
No. No.
It's not, is it? I'm not being unreasonable.
LA Lena and Duffy
No. No.
Aaron Sorry I changed the date.
Finally! Finally, he admits it. That's my bad. That's better. That's better that you've apologized, 'cause now we can start to rebuild. Duffy? Yeah? Get us a couple of lagers, mate.
Aaron It really is so nice to meet you. I'm a lifelong fan. This lager hits the spot.
Aaron We should probably get going if we're gonna catch that 6:00 p.m. Flight to JFK.
L Lena
Aldy, by the way, whatever happened to Jackie? She was such a darling girl. She was so polite. I always liked her.
Did you? I really liked Dad. Where is he?
L Lena
**** off, Aldous. Your dad's a piece of shit moocher.
You see how she talks about me dad? Imagine that.
L Lena
Anyways, we really should get...
He had a heart attack last month, my dad. Look how she mugs him off. Disgusting.
L Lena
Well, if you like the bastard so much, why don't you go and visit him when you're in America?
Perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll pop over and bond with him. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
L Lena
Yeah, I'd love that.
Cut you out of the equation, you old bag.
Aaron We really... We should get going if we're gonna catch the flight.
I'm only joking. I love you, Mummy. I'm your special little soldier, ain't I?
L Lena
Yes, you are. You're my special little boy.
[In a pub drinking]
To Bushmills!
Aaron Wow.
Aaron [Aaron is at a lunch with Aldous and his bandmates at an upscale hotel]
Hey, so, Aldous, for the Today Show, they want to know what song you want to play.
Say it was up to you, Aaron, what would you have me do?
Aaron That's your call. You're the artist, you know, whatever you feel like playing. I'd be really interested, 'cause you're, like, a legitimate enthusiast. I'd like to know what you'd be into doing. If I had to choose, all-time favorite would be The Clap. That's a classic. You know, that's... That's, like, my childhood right there, you know.
Okay. Well, I suppose the obvious choice is African Child, right?
Aaron Yeah. Great tune. Yeah, I love African Child. The song's awesome. I brush my teeth to it, you know? I think maybe we should run to the airport right now, 'cause we're getting close.
Change it to the next one. Should we get out of this bourgeois shithole?
...
B Bandmate
[Aaron is drinking with Aldous and his bandmates at an outdoor patio]
I disagree with what you're saying!
Bollocks! I disagree highly!
Aaron Oh, no.
...
[Aaron is out in the streets with Aldous and paparazzi swarming]
Hey, move into... Make Aaron famous. Aldous, here!
Aaron Hey, look, the car service is here, with all the bags.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change it to the next one.
Aaron So we're going on the next one?
This is why we delay flights. For this! [They walk into nightclub]
Aaron [Walks up to Tom Felton of Harry Potter fame]
What's up, man? Hey. I’m at a table in the back with Aldous Snow.
TF Tom Felton
[Unimpressed]
Great.
Aaron Feel free to bring Professor Snape. [pause] We’ll play some late night Quidditch.
TF Tom Felton
Just...leave it. [He walks away]
Aaron Right? Not everyone cares. [Spots Aldous making out with a woman] Excuse me. Aldous. Hey. [Uses hands to separate woman's face from Aldous' face] Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
What? What are you doing?
Aaron I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Aaron Listen, hey, listen. It's just getting super close to that 12:00 a.m. Flight.
Aaron. I don't... See them two girls? Just there? I want to **** them two girls. Do you?
Aaron Yeah, they seem awesome. They seem, like, cool. Sure. Why not? I don't want to think about that right now, man. That's cool. I just want to leave here, please.
You're in a long-term relationship, right?
Aaron No, just ended, actually. See, my...
Brilliant! So, doesn't it make sense that we would stay here and have possibly the time of your life?
Aaron ****!
Okay. What'd you prefer, blonde or brunette? Blonde or brunette?
Aaron I don't know.
Aaron Brunette.
Aaron Here we go!
Thank you. Cheers. Do you want to go to the loo for a minute?
Aaron Why?
Aaron [A hooker is hyper-vigorously riding Aaron in a washroom stall while repeatedly yanking the flush chain]
Oh, yes! Oh, God. My butt's getting wet! My butt's getting wet! I'm falling in the toilet! I'm falling in the toilet! That was great. Awesome.
Chase me! [They run down hallway] It's better than Christmas! [Aldous jiggles hooker's breasts in a taxi-cab]
Go on, Aaron, give her both barrels!
Aaron All right. Can you give me the key, please?
I love you. We've seen not much of that today. Toss it! And there it goes. The hoop goes wide. Oh, no.
Aaron We're fine. We got 35 minutes to catch an international flight.
I wouldn't worry about it. Your mouth is smiling, but your eyes look all sad. Why?
Aaron Do you mind driving faster, please?
LD Limo Driver in London
Would you like me to take the Chiswick roundabout through Hounslow and Staines?
Aaron What is this, **** Middle Earth? Just take us to the airport, okay?
Aaron All right, sir.
Run! Run! Run! Run! Just, try and keep up.
PA PA announcer
Final boarding call... Just keep up.
Aaron. Aaron. Aaron, you're sleeping. Stop sleep. Aaron, you're asleep. You're asleep. You're asleep, Aaron. Here's your drink.
Aaron My leg.
Don't sleep so often. Cheers, mate.
Aaron Thank you for waking me up.
Why do you think people keep saying my music's shit?
Aaron I don't think that's the case. Is it? Is that the case?
Yeah, a lot of negativity. Lot of sniping and snidey remarks. People are, " Yeah, he's shit, he's a has-been, he's over, "he's in his greatest hits era." Don't listen to that shit.
Aaron I love all your albums.
Do you love the album African Child?
Aaron Yeah, of course. I love African Child. It's awesome.
Aaron. NME said that African Child was the most detrimental thing to happen to black culture since the Rodney King beatings.
Aaron Are you serious? Yeah.
I read in Rolling Stone that African Child came third behind famine and war as the thing that had been most damaging to African life.
Aaron I find that hard to believe, but they say any press is good press, right? I mean...
Come on, mate. You know, open up.
Aaron It seems as if on your last album you kind of went in the studio and just did whatever the producer asked you to do.
Right. Yeah, no, that's exactly... This is good.
Aaron Aldous Snow needs to be two guitars, a bass and a drum kit and his incredible voice.
Vocals, yes! Yes. And that's it. And that's what we want to hear. That's what I love.
Aaron That's what all your fans love. It's just every artist has this one album that's just not good, and that's it. Honestly, I listen to that and I'm just like, "What is this piece of shit I'm listening to? Do I even know this artist? "What the **** was he thinking?"
Don't **** talk to me like that, you little prick.
Aaron I'm so sorry.
In future, if someone asks you to give them a critique of their work, don't rip out their **** gizzards and hold it in front of their face. What are you? What do you know?
Aaron I'm sorry. Look, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, what you did was very spiteful. But it was also very brave and very honest, and I respect you for doing that, but the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, peppered with hate. Hateful respect.
Aaron I'm sorry.
IF In-flight movie doctor played by Sarah Marshall
Scalpel! Now! But, Doctor!
Hey, I think I used to have sex with her. Yeah, yeah. No, I did, I did.
Love is blind Love is blind, love is blind
Aaron. I haven't performed in three years, you know? I need a drink if I'm gonna do this show. I feel tired. I don't even want to do it.
Aaron You'll do great. [To limo driver] We have, like, 14 minutes to get to the Today Show, so step on it.
Aaron. Here's a photo of you being sick last night.
Aaron And so it is. Who's this guy? He's really cute.
That's Naples. My son. The only thing that makes me happy, the little twit.
Aaron [Answers phone]
Hey, Sergio.
The 7:00 a.m. Flight! What the ****? You have lost control of this shit. What you think? Hold on. [To Pharrell Williams] I mean, come on, player. Lose the pink, man. It's not gangsta.
PW Pharrell Williams
That's your problem, man. You always trying to be gangsta.
What are you talkin' about? The name of the song is called I'm Gangsta!
PW Pharrell Williams
You're five zippers away from Thriller.
And you're one shirt away from Carlton, mother****er.
PW Pharrell Williams
**** off, Sergio.
You can **** me all you want, but you gonna change that goddamn pink. [To Aaron] Aaron, listen, your job is to keep him sober for the next 30 minutes.
Aaron Hey, I feel like a little whiskey. Do you mind? [Aldous hands Aaron flask] Thanks.
I'm not gonna wear this hat on the program, so whatever you do to my hair now is irrelevant.
Aaron I kind of feel like getting a buzz on also. [Aldous hands Aaron joint] Do you mind?
You enjoying yourself, mate? Goddamn. This ain't cool, what you're doing. 'Cause I need that for the show. This isn't cool.
Aaron Don't be a bitch, dude. Let me get my smoke on.
M Meredith
Economist Paul Krugman stops by to give us his take on the economy.
Aaron Hey. I'm Aaron.
SA Studio assistant
Do you have any idea how late you are? You smell like a hobo.
M Meredith
But first, our interview and performance from British rocker Aldous Snow. We'll be back right after these messages. And we're in commercial. Thanks, guys.
Aaron Meredith! Hello, this is Aldous Snow. It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. I was getting a little worried. I know you changed your flights quite a few times. I didn't think you'd make it.
I apologize for our tardiness. The culprit is this gentleman. He's Aaron Green. That's why we're late, because of him. Aaron! Hey. Come meet Meredith. Hey, Meredith. Oh, my gosh. It's lovely to meet you.
Aaron My mom loves your shit.
There, see? He looks after me.
M Meredith
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. Ready, one, take. Aldous, tough question. You were famously sober for many years. Now you are famously not sober. Are you on something right now?
M Meredith
Yeah. Several things?
I'm just mucking around, Meredith. I've never taken drugs.
M Meredith
I have. I love them. Aldous, I'm worried about you.
...
Aaron Are you Paul Krugman?
Aaron My dad loves your shit.
Aaron Hey, you're doing great, man! You're doing great. So good.
I don't know the lyrics to African Child.
Aaron You're funny as shit, man.
I need you to get the lyrics. I'm serious. I don't know the lyrics. I can't remember what the lyrics are.
Aaron They're, like, the most simplest lyrics ever.
Are they, mate? What are they?
Aaron Yeah... Across the mystic desert Is a desert that is mystic.
No! That's not the lyrics.
Aaron I don't know.
SH Studio hand
Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds.
Aaron I will figure this out.
Don't worry. You started this.
M Meredith
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. I understand that African Child was commercially disappointing.
Aaron Who knows the lyrics to African Child? Who knows the lyrics to...
M Meredith
...artistically fulfilling. Yeah, but it was also critically disappointing.
Aaron Yes. Hey, man. What's up? Do you know the lyrics to African Child?
BM Band member
I don't know the lyrics. I just pound the drum and do the Africa face.
Aaron I need the lyrics to African Child! I need the lyrics to African Child! I guess I'm gonna. Okay, he's gonna sing.
M Meredith
It is a wonderful day here in New York City. We are seconds away from Aldous Snow performing live out in Rockefeller Plaza.
Aaron I can't... Sorry, Meredith! Oh, boy.
M Meredith
And now, Aldous.
Thank you. I'm Aldous Snow. And this is African Child. Oh, ****. Take three. Can you hit the delay? Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I want to... Do you remember The Clap? Play The Clap. One, two, three, four! We got the clap. You got the clap. We cooked the rocks. You took the smack. Ah, yeah. We love you! We got the itch. You got the scratch. Burns, burns, burns. Like the head of a match. You took the front, I took the back. Ah, yeah. We got the clap. We got it.
AG Audience girl
[Aldous holds mike to her]
I got the clap, ah!
SM Security man
[Aldous holds mike to him]
I got the clap, too!
Aaron [Aldous holds mike to him]
I'm so shitfaced.
M Meredith
What's going on?! My gosh!
We got the clap! You got the clap! Wiped my face on the welcome mat! We got the clap! Can't be beat! Got it off the back of a toilet seat! Shake your hips! Mind your feet! We got the clap! We got it!
M Meredith
Oh, no. Tell the West Coast, they gotta trim the balls. Ready, one, take.
We got the clap, can't be beat! We got the clap! We're gonna be performing at the Greek Theatre in two days! See you there!
Aaron Aldous! Aldous! Pandemonium! Oh, man! That was awesome! So cool! I enjoyed that!
I couldn't have done it without you, do you know what I mean?
Aaron The Clap! Great idea! You rocked that shit! It was amazing! It was crazy, man! That is so **** crazy! Oh, man!
Central Park is beautiful.
Aaron Are you sure you should do that, man?! We're on our way to the airport!
Let's go jogging! Come on, join in with me.
Aaron No, I don't... this... you know...
Please! For us, our friendship!
Thank you. Thank you for that. I'll use it. I would grind that. I would ride the shit out of her. [Aaron's phone rings] Don't take it. Who is it? Sergio?
Aaron Shit, it's Daphne.
Aaron Hey, Daph.
Aaron What's up?
Listen, I'm just calling 'cause I wanted to apologize. I just slept for, like, 20 straight hours and I'm feeling really bad, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened. I was out of my mind.
Aaron Okay. Really?
Yeah. Thanks. So, I'd like to make it up to you when you get back from your trip.
Aaron Wait, what's up?
I would like to make it up to you.
Aaron Fun Daphne got us tickets to Radiohead. Wait, what's up?
Aaron I thought we broke up. You broke up with me, right?
Aaron, we live together. We have a home together. How could you think we were broken up?
Aaron Because that's what you said.
You really think that we're broken up right now? What have you been doing?
Aaron You know, you're so holier-than-thou about being a doctor. You know, just 'cause you're a doctor doesn't make you a good person. The Nazis have doctors, Daphne. They had Nazi doctors that fixed Nazi legs so they could walk around being angry, okay? So... What are you talking about?
Aaron! Is it your girlfriend? Let me have a go. Aaron is very busy now. Press seven for fellatio. Here you go. Don't hang about.
Aaron Hey, that was Aldous.
You know, here's some medical advice from your Nazi doctor. Herpes is incurable. I labored under the myth of monogamy for seven years with Jackie and it was pointless.
Aaron So you only slept with Jackie?
No, I slept with other people but I always told her about it. Monogamy. I realize now my dad was just a realist. I used to be angry... All right, love. I used to be angry 'cause he abandoned me, but really, he was just being a realist. You can't remain in that situation.
Aaron Your dad lives in, in Vegas, right?
Mmm-hmm. That's right, yeah. He lives there, yeah.
Aaron You should invite him... Your dad should... Nice. You should invite him to the show. You want me to get on that?
I don't know if we really have that type of relationship, you know, me and my dad. He always wants something from me. It's a bad idea.
Aaron Well, I'm sure he'd love to come see you perform.
Let's put it this way. If I had a concert, my dad would come. He would come, like, five hours early and ask all the roadies what town they were from, and if he knew anybody from their town.
Aaron He'd be proud.
He's good. He's a good man.
Aaron Yeah. Yeah. I hate to be a downer, but it's getting really late. We have a flight early in the morning. Do you mind if...
Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, Aaron! Have you ever drunk w:absinthe|absinthe]], like from the 1900s?
Aaron No.
Picasso drank it. [To bartender] Oi! "Absinf-fuh"!
Aaron All right, well, we'll take one shot and then we'll go back to the hotel?
Just a little sip of naughty water, and we go back to the hotel. Simple.
[Aaron and Aldous then embark on city-wide mayhem spree of outright over-the-top insanity]
Aaron! You lost control, mother****er. Stampin' on an African child!
BB Bespectacled bald man in BDSM gear
Do you like it when I whip you, Aldous?
Aaron Why is Moby whipping us?
Whee! Whee! Look, I'm eating my own head. I accept your apology.
...
[Aaron pocket dials Daphne asleep]
I accept your apology. Hello?
Aaron He's the best. Hello? It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. That is so amazing for you! Hello? Why are your boobs different sizes? 'Cause the left... I don't care either, Daphne. You live in Seattle, I'll **** live in New York.
[Aldous is watching a home video of him and Jackie]
Look how beautiful you are. Do you see how beautiful you are, Jackie? I like being so close. You're so beautiful. Jackie Q, Jackie Q, I love you Jackie Q. **** hell. Jackie Q, Jackie Q at the barbeque.
I love you. Why don't we make a sex tape?
'Cause I don't want to make a sex tape.
Yes. **** hell. Come on, it'll be fun!
Please, Aldous, come on. I will not call you.
[He calls her asleep in bed]
Jackie?
No, Aldous Snow has got better things to do first thing in the morning than call up an ex-girlfriend.
What are you doing? Where are you?
Just in our old flat, actually. In New York. You with anybody?
Where are you now, Jackie?
Sleeping next to Lars Ulrich.
Lars Ulrich? From Metallica?
What's Lars packing in the drumstick region?
I can't tell you that right now. He's sleeping right next to me. What are you so interested in Lars for, Aldous? You jealous? I miss you, Aldy.
Listen, why don't you be a good girl and put the phone down next to your vagina, 'cause I need to talk to her. Hello? Is that Jackie's vagina?
All right. How are you? I've missed you.
I'm very well, thank you. I've just come back from Brazil.
It's quite wet down there, actually.
I really miss your ****, Aldous.
I'm gonna come and see you, Jackie.
I don't think you should, but I do, I really miss you, Aldous.
I'm stuck here with a hard-on. I don't know what to do with it.
L Lars
Hey, babe. Who's on the horn?
It's Mum. She's just calling up from London.
L Lars
Let me take care of this. Oi, Aldous. It's Lars.
"I'm ashamed that you're with a drummer, Jackie. "I'd always dreamed that you would marry a front man. With charisma. Razzmatazz. Rough around the edges, but with stars in his eyes, you know."
L Lars
Jackie, your mom kind of sounds like a Monty Python skit.
L Lars
Okay. Okay, okay, sorry.
Darling, I've gotta go, all right?
I'll see you later. I'm coming to see you. Don't say anything else, all right? I gotta go. Bye.
...
[To Aaron]
Get up. I can't be here anymore now.
Aaron Huh?
...
Aaron [In limo]
I can't believe we're actually on time for a flight.
[To chauffeur]
Hey, can you pull over, mate?
Aaron Actually, we, we have a flight to catch.
Yeah, no, just pull over here off Linden. I want to get a pretzel. [Aldous mingles with shady-looking men who hand him a rubber-wrapped ball]
Aaron Dude really wants a pretzel. He's not getting a pretzel is he?
LC Limo chauffeur
Not the kind you put mustard on. [Aldous comes back and gets in limo]
TA TSA agent
[Aaron and Aldous are waiting in line at the airport]
Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.
[Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand]
I need you to put this into your bottom hole.
Aaron What?
Put this into your rectum.
Aaron Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the ****, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!
It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.
Aaron I won't do it. I won't do it. No.
Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.
TA TSA agent
Please keep the line moving, sir.
Aaron [Holds up phone]
My phone is ringing.
Your phone is not ringing.
Aaron It's Sergio.
It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!
[Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room]
Hey! The couch is not for jumping! [To Aaron] Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 **** minutes.
Aaron Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.
What kind of health issue? His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head, are they? [To wife] No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is Babybels and chocolate pudding!
Sergio's wife: Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.
I don't see no Go-Gurts! You need to put these shits where I can see them.
Aaron He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.
Then you put the drugs up your ass.
Aaron Please don't make me do that.
This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.
Aaron Isn't that enabling him?
Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. [Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room] It's Biggest Loser time, it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.
Aaron Just give it.
Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!
Aaron [Aaron and Aldous are seated in the gate departure lounge having miraculously eluded security interception]
Why did you do this to me?
Aaron Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?
Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?
Aaron I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.
Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.
Aaron IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.
You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
Aaron Oh, no. I have to sneeze.
Aaron I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.
If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.
Aaron I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aaron Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.
Aaron I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aaron I think I broke a rib.
...
Aaron Hello, to you.
I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.
CI Check-in agent
Let's see.
Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?
CI Check-in agent
Not yet.
Well, stick us on that then, please.
CI Check-in agent
Two first-class tickets?
Aaron No.
Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.
CI Check-in agent
All right.
Aaron No.
Aaron It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.
You didn't specify. He didn't specify.
Aaron Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.
Aaron You know. The favor that I did earlier.
My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.
Aaron Nope.
His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.
Aaron No, no, no.
I'm a terrible drug addict. Mule!
Aaron No.
Aaron No.
CI Check-in agent
Perfect.
...
[Aaron and Aldous are airborne in the plane]
All right, I want my package now.
Aaron I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.
Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?
Aaron You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.
[Aldous is chasing Aaron around in an overly opulent hotel room]
Are you ticklish?
Aaron Okay, stop. Okay, stop.
Aaron Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.
Aaron [Aldous has restrained Aaron silhouetted behind a curtain veil and his arms deep in Aaron's pants]
Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!
Aaron No!
Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?
Aaron No.
In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? [Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor] Get the ****... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.
Aaron We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?
It's not a **** game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll **** destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!
Aaron Just calm... Just calm down.
It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, **** me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, 'cause I'll be **** you up.
Aaron I'll figure it out.
B Brian
[Aaron walks up to casino concierge Brian at receptionist desk]
Hi. Can I help you?
Aaron Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.
B Brian
Okay. What's the last name?
Aaron It's spelled H...
Aaron ...E- R-O-l-N.
Aaron Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?
B Brian
Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the **** hotel, 'cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a **** guest? Are you out of your mind?
Aaron I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?
B Brian
Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.
...
Aaron [Aaron is riding in Brian's heavily modded vehicle with pounding techno music]
I feel like I'm in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
...
R Roommate
[Holds up knife]
Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the **** stomach, all right?
B Brian
Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?
Aaron What... I'm not, like, involved in this.
...
B Brian
[Aaron is driving the vehicle with Brian holding his bloodied chest]
Oh, my God!
Aaron Where is the hospital?!
B Brian
You take a right on North Casino Way!
Aaron Every street's called Casino Way!
...
B Brian
[Aaron dumps Brian generally near the E.R. door and then runs away]
God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?
...
[Aldous is watching a music video by Jackie Q in a music video]
One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around my dirty posie. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.
Aaron [Aaron enters]
Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.
Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.
Aaron Thanks again for the suggestion.
[Jackie Q in the music video]
By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!
[Aldous and Aaron walk into see a performance of a Rat Pack cover band]
When Frank Sinatra moves his arm, you can see my dad. There. There! [Jonathan is playing a guitar as monotonously as ever]
...
J Jonathan
[Aldous and Aaron having dinner with Jonathan and his wife]
What about... What was that **** album you brought out last? It was... What was it? African something or Zambezi, or what was it?
J Jonathan
Child. Child. Yeah, yeah, African Child. You should have stayed away from that one, I think. I think you should've aborted that child, eh? You got that? You know, mate?
J Jonathan
She loved it, yeah. Yeah. She really did. No, she told me that she loved it.
W Wife
Yeah? I loved it. So enlightening.
J Jonathan
[Waitress has arrived with a tray of drinks]
We didn't order these.
W Waitress
These drinks are on the house.
J Jonathan
Oh, really? Great. Thank you very much. Funny, isn't it? You get rich and then everything comes free.
J Jonathan
So what brings you to Vegas?
Aaron Aldous wanted to visit you.
No. No, we were just passing through. We were near.
Actually, I've got a show at the Greek Theatre in LA.
J Jonathan
Terrific! Terrific! Great!
Aaron It's tomorrow, actually.
J Jonathan
Really? Terrific!
W Wife
We should go see that.
J Jonathan
Well, I'm not sure I... No, I think I'm busy tomorrow night. I'm busy tomorrow.
Don't worry about it. It's not set in stone or...
Aaron It's actually very set in stone.
J Jonathan
No, some of us have to work for a living, right? You know.
Yeah, 'cause I remember I became a rock star as a result of winning a quiz show.
J Jonathan
All right, all right. I'll check the schedule.
...
[Aldous, Aaron and Jonathan are in a strip club]
Dad! I like it here.
J Jonathan
Cheers, son. Yeah, I like to come here and clear my head. You remember that first strip club I brought you to?
I do. Fondly. Very fondly.
J Jonathan
So listen, what are you going to open with at the Greek?
J Jonathan
Really? I think you should open with Going Up. I love that **** song. It's **** genius. You know, it's a great thing to open with.
I mean, getting them up, getting them, ****, right there in the **** palm of your hand right away. Going Up.
[On the phone with Aaron while driving]
You missed sound check, bitch! You know how much that's gonna cost us?
Aaron I apologize. Look, things got out of control.
But, hey, we're at The Standard now, so it's all fine, because we're all settled in and we're here. Guess what. I'm downstairs in the lobby. Why don't you come on down?
Aaron You know what? Actually, Aldous just went to sleep. So I just think it'd be better if he just, like, got some rest. [Sergio appears behind him looking very annoyed] April Fools.
I don't want to hear that shit. You **** up.
Aaron He doesn't do anything you want him to do! He's a crazy person!
Okay, shut the **** up and listen. There's a change of plans. I hope you got a good night's sleep. We going to party these pussy limey mother****ers into the ground. They gonna be dying to leave Vegas. But we gonna have to mind **** them. A deep mind ****.
[Calls across the strip club]
Sergio!
Aldous, hey! Have a drink with us!
Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Join in!
[To Aaron]
Let's get our mind **** on.
...
[Sergio is in a lounge area with Aldous and Jonathan]
Now, the Rat Pack was the shit! Yes, those guys right there could croon! Whenever I would hear Frank or Dean or Sammy sing, shit would just warm my heart! You know, it just makes me **** tingle!
J Jonathan
It's nice, isn't it?
Yeah, I feel that. I feel that, Sergio. Sometimes I think that I was Frank Sinatra in a past life, even though I was born before he died.
J Jonathan
What? No. You? No. No. No, no, no. Sorry, mate. You can't be Frank! Can't be Frank. No.
What you trying to say? I gotta be Sammy?
Why I gotta be Sammy? 'Cause I'm black, I gotta be Sammy Davis?
J Jonathan
Well, you know... I look more like Frank than I do look like Sammy!
Aaron Hey, so it looks like you got everything under control, so I might call it an evening.
Sit your ass... Has he been acting like a bitch this whole time?
Yes, he has. Yeah, he's been a right little bitch.
What are you doing? You are representing Pinnacle. [Grabs an attractive stripper] Excuse me. Come here for a second. What's your name?
Destiny, this is Aaron. He's my personal attendant. He runs shit for me.
D Destiny
Nice to meet you. Aaron. [She shakes his hand]
Destiny. Destiny, pay attention. You are gonna go and have sex with Aaron. Right now.
Aaron That's disrespectful.
Aaron, go with your destiny.
D Destiny
[Laughing]
That's my name, Destiny. And you're using it two ways.
...
D Destiny
I'm actually in a band. My life is music. I'm in an all-girl cover band and we do the Pussycat Girl's songs. And we're called the Pussy Kittens. Can you hook me up with Aldous?
Aaron Sure.
Aaron [Destiny is on top of Aaron lying on a bed and she lifts up skirt]
Okay, what are you doing? What? Don't do that.
D Destiny
I feel like I want to show you something.
Aaron I feel like I don't want to see it, though. All right! Hey! So that's your vagina. Right on.
D Destiny
No, but look at it! Look at the hair. Look at the pubic hair! It's... Yeah, it's a microphone. For my work. Hello. Testing, one, two, three! Is this thing on? Hello?
Aaron Hey, so put that away, all right?
D Destiny
Do you want to sing hair-aoke?
Aaron I'm okay. I'm all right. Oh, my God.
D Destiny
I think you're really sexy because you look like Dennis Quaid.
Aaron What? Really? Randy Quaid, maybe.
Aaron No!
D Destiny
Off with the pants. Honestly... Pants-off party!
Aaron You're acting crazy! Stop. No!
Aaron All right. Fun and games are over. Let's relax for a second. Let's just, let's just... [Destiny produces a dildo from her purse] You carry that around with you?
Aaron Stop! When's the last time you Purell-d that thing?
D Destiny
Kiss it. You like it.
Aaron I want to go home!
D Destiny
This is going inside of you!
Aaron No! Get off of me! What are you doing? Oh, my God! Why does this keep happening to me?
Aaron No!
D Destiny
Take your medicine. Yes, yes.
Aaron Why does it have balls?
...
J Jonathan
That was really nice. No, it's really nice, you know, playing together like that.
J Jonathan
We should do it more often.
J Jonathan
Yeah, you know, there's a ballroom space opening up at the Golden Nugget. I know the owner a bit, you know? I could hook you up with a permanent gig there. We could make loads of dough. Well, they're all doing it, you know. Cher. Celine Dion. Elton John.
If you want money from me, Dad, just ask.
J Jonathan
I don't want your **** money, do I? I just want to help your **** career, don't I?
My career don't need help. Really?
J Jonathan
Your last record, you know how many it sold? Don't need help? You sure **** do.
So you know the precise sales figures for me last album. When was me birthday? Surprise me. Now, look, look... When was me birthday?
J Jonathan
Aldy, Aldy, Aldy! You never would have made it without me.
I did make it without you. I made it in spite of you.
J Jonathan
You inherited all your musical talent from me! I wrote all your songs from the tip of my ****.
Right. That's it. So, like, I've been plagiarizing from your ball bag.
J Jonathan
Where does the DNA come... Where does your talent come from?
Here. Brilliant bit of biology, Dad. Yeah, I think that's what Darwin discovered on the Galapagos Isles. That music can be written in someone's spunk.
J Jonathan
I'm talking **** facts.
Aaron I think I've just been raped.
Raped? Here you go, mate. [Holds up a joint] That'll take the edge off. [Hands joint to Jonathan] Yeah, give him that. Make yourself useful.
J Jonathan
[Jonathan hands joint to Aaron]
Here you go.
Aaron All right? What is this?
It's called a Jeffrey, Aaron. Bit of this, bit of that.
J Jonathan
Here. Have a look. Have a look at this. [Shows a picture of Aldous as a youth] Aldous Snow wasn't always so pretty, was he, eh?
What are you showing him that for, Dad? Why do you carry that photograph?
J Jonathan
Remember when we used to box? You used to get in the ring, wheezing around. Do you remember?
Aaron Hey, what's in this? My heart's starting to beat really fast.
It's weed mostly. Sergio gave it to me. It's got a bit of opium in it. Some heroin. Crunched-up E's. Clorox. Methadone. Subutex. Morphine. Peyote. Some other stuff that's unidentifiable, and I think a little bit of angel dust, actually, if I'm not mistaken. You know, bit of glue for...
J Jonathan
Yeah. You know...
Keep it traditional. It's like a drug Neapolitan. Oh, my God, look at his little boat. What a lovely little boat race. [Holds up phone] Yeah, let me get a shot of that. Hold it, hold it. Cheese! [Takes Aaron's picture] I'll never tire of looking at that git.
Aaron Why the **** is it called a Jeffrey?
'Cause who could be scared of a Jeffrey?
J Jonathan
Yeah, Jeffrey's just this nice bloke from down the road, isn't he?
Aaron What's wrong with you?
J Jonathan
"I've just moved in. Yes, I'm Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey."
"My wife has got varicose veins!"
Aaron I'm having a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack.
You're not having a heart attack, Aaron.
J Jonathan
I think he might be having a heart attack.
He's not. He's all right. Oh, no. Don't wind him up.
Aaron I'm having a heart attack.
J Jonathan
He is. He's having a heart attack.
Aaron I'm telling you. Listen to your dad! He's right!
He's not having a heart attack.
J Jonathan
He looks like he's having a heart attack, doesn't he?
Aaron, come with me, mate. Just get away from him. He's an idiot. It's all right. Just take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That's what you need to do. Come here. We're together, mate, all right? I shouldn't have given you the Jeffrey. That was a mistake. I'm so sorry. But relax now. It's over. Everything is beautiful. The world is beautiful. Everything is cool. Look around us, we're... Look at that, look. Look at these. [Spots an ant on a wall and picks it off to show Aaron] Look at this tiny, simple beauty of this tiny little ant. Isn't that lovely? See? We're at one with that. So lovely. It's nice, beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And lovely, and wonderful, and pure and... [Aldous deliberately inhales the ant and Aaron whimpers in fear] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. No. I'm on the Jeffrey, too. Now just breathe deeply. Okay. Okay. That won't last. No. That's the joy of the Jeffrey, you see. It goes away, but then it comes back! Don't worry. It doesn't do that. You're gonna be okay. Don't listen to him, don't listen to him. Here. Put your hand here. Just touch the furry wall. Stay with me. Be calm. Be calm. Just stroke the furry wall. You're with the furry wall. With the furry wall now. Dad! Stop bullying my mate!
J Jonathan
You sound just like your mum.
Y'all need to take a hit of this Jeffrey! It'll calm you down!
J Jonathan
Sammy's right! Right, I've got a question. She still seeing that soft-dick postman, eh? Or has he left her as well?
You're gonna die on your own, old man. You're gonna die and I'm gonna **** laugh when you die, you old ****. [Aldous turns and calls to Aaron] Aaron, stop stroking the furry wall! We're going... [Jonathan grabs an acoustic guitar and smashes it on Aldous' back and then bodyslams Aldous on a pool table] Get off!
Aaron Hey, shouldn't somebody stop this?
Feel how good this feels? I'm gonna cover the whole outside of my house in this material.
J Jonathan
[Aldous attempts to escape by crawling under a culvert and Jonathan grabs Aldous by the ankles]
Come back here. Get back here. Get...
My house is gonna look like a **** werewolf.
Aaron What the ****?
J Jonathan
Go on, run away!
See, Aaron? The plan is working. This is what old pussy used to look like in the '70s. I miss that.
You're a very bad parent! [Aldous punches Jonathan in the face]
J Jonathan
I'll show you bad, eh? [He draws a pistol]
Aaron That's a gun! He's got a gun!
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Oh, no. Where did that come from? [To Aaron] Hey! Keep stroking the wall! Keep stroking the wall!
J Jonathan
That's Jeffrey's gun.
No one endangers my artist! [Sergio deflects gun upwards and Jonathan discharges it]
Aaron Somebody help me, please!
D Destiny
This is so rock star.
Aaron I'm having a heart attack! Somebody take me to the hospital! It's on North Casino Way! Calm down. I'm having a heart attack!
You're having a heart attack, are you?
Aaron I am!
[Seduced by the furry wall]
Jesus! Why can't everything be this simple?
J Jonathan
[Throwing a wine bottle]
Sergio, fancy a drink, eh? [Sergio takes cover behind a mini fridge door and throws a bottle and Jonathan responds with throwing dishes]
Sergio would have made you bring a medical kit.
Aaron It's over there! It's over there!
J Jonathan
[He frisbees a metal casserole dish lid]
****er. [The lid hits Sergio in the head, knocking him out and Jonathan throws up both hands in celebration] Yeah! I'm okay. Right! [He glances at Sergio again who has strangely disappeared]
[Aldous grabs Aaron with medical kit in mouth and manhandling him away and throws him to the floor]
Come here! [Gets on top of him]
Aaron No! No. No.
Now I'm gonna stab you in the heart with this adrenaline needle.
Aaron What? What? [Aldous injects Aaaron] I'm alive!
[Sergio grabs Jonathan by ankles and drags him down steps]
See if you like this. [Two Pinnacle Records employee appear] Where the hell you been?
B Bodyguard
We went to see Cher.
J Jonathan
[He lunges at Sergio]
This is all your fault! [Aaron lunges at Jonathan who turns around gets scratched in the face] He's **** Catwoman!
[Grabs Aaron and manhandles him away]
You're so mean! That's enough!
J Jonathan
It's not easy being a parent. [Sergio grabs a lava lamp and smashes it on Jonathan's head] Shit!
I'm sorry, pops, you okay? [Sergio throws Jonathan headfirst into a TV screen smashing it and Destiny cheers]
[Sergio grabs a hot coal from a pit fire and immediately drops it onto the furry rug, starting a fire]
Now, this is what the music industry is all about.
Aaron Sergio's gone crazy.
He's Jeffreyed. Let's go! Bye!
No, I don't think so. [He then gives chase after Aaron and Aldous down a hallway]
Aaron This adrenaline's crazy! I've never run so fast in my life!
Aaron **** your luggage! We'll get you new luggage!
Where you going? Run all the way back to LA!
Aaron This is the longest hallway of all time!
You cannot outrun me! I am black!
Aaron and Aldous Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Please, driver! Just drive it! Go! Now! Go! Go! Go! Go! Drive! Drive faster! Quickly! Go! Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh! [Sergio is chasing them along The Strip gets hit by car] Stop, stop! Stop!
Why aren't you bitches going? Come on! [He watches Aaron and Aldous drive away] The plan worked! Now that's a mind****!
[Answering machine plays]
Aaron! This is Sergio! Where the **** are you guys? And why the **** aren't you answering your phone? I'm answering my phone, and I just got hit by a mother**** car!
Aaron [Aaron is putting out romantic touches and Daphne enters the house]
Hi. Before you say anything just let me talk, okay? You were right. We broke off our relationship without really thinking about it. And I've learned over the past few days that life is mainly filled with superficial surface encounters. And I realize now how wonderful it is, what we have. I'm begging you to take me back. I'm sorry.
Did you hook up with anyone while you were gone?
Aaron You mean surface encounters?
[Aldous knocks on door]
What is he doing here?
Aaron What the **** is he doing here? I'll get rid of him, all right?
Aaron [Opens door and lets Aldous in]
Hey, man. What are you doing here?
Just went and saw Jackie. She's marrying Lars Ulrich now, and Naples ain't really my son. I remember thinking, "What bad advice." Thank you, Aaron. So, this is what you live in. You're Daphne then? Dr. Daphne? You know, when you hear about someone and then you meet them? That's happening now. I've walked in the middle of a romantic reconciliation?
No. No, no, no. Definitely not. [Aldous walks over to a couch and sits really comfortably]
Why is it so tense? Is it because he had sex with other people when he was working with me?
Aaron I think that's something we should... We're gonna discuss privately.
Yes. I would like to talk about it. I am upset. I am pissed. [She sits in a chair in front of Aldous really formally]
Why are you so cross, Daphne?
Because he broke my trust. We were barely broken up for a day and he went and cheated on me.
Aaron I didn't enjoy it, okay? [He sits in a chair also formally]
What I think, Daph, is that human beings by their nature are polygamous. It's against nature to be with one person. It never works.
Yeah. Or you think it's working, and then it turns out he's cheating on you with a bunch of hos and skanks. [Aldous pointing at Aaron twice]
Aaron I personally think that monogamy can work given the right circumstance.
Aaron, why have you chosen to put yourself in this ideological prison? You don't need these unnecessary restrictions. Unless you get rid of them, you just can't progress.
What kind of sexual restrictions? 'Cause in nature, there's everything from polygamy to, like, a threesome. What...
Threesome. Well, I mean, a threesome is something that's possible right now. You know, the three of us could have a threesome. Hypothetically. We've got the utensils. There's three of us.
Aaron Okay, that's funny. Yeah, we're gonna do a threesome. Let's just get naked and start **** right here.
We should do it. We should have a threesome.
Aaron Wait, what? I don't... What?
Come on. Let's have a threesome.
Aaron No, thanks. I don't... I'm all right, thank you.
So you get to mess around on the road, and because I'm a woman, I don't get to have any fun? You had your turn. It's my turn now. I would like to have a threesome, please.
Don't think of it as a threesome. Think of it as having sex with your girlfriend while someone else also has sex with your girlfriend.
I think it'd be fun. We should do a threesome.
Aaron What are you doing?
We are pre-negotiating a threesome.
Pre-negotiated. And agreed upon. I'm **** psyched!
So, Aaron, Daphne, shall we play doctor?
Aaron I'm not sucking his dick, that's like 100%.
...
[Starts playing ipod playlist and watching Aaron and Daphne on bed standing with plate of strawberries]
Just relax. Just relax and listen to Mariah. [Daphne leans in to kiss Aaron] That's good. Aaron, look at her. Aaron, look at Daphne.
Aaron Put those strawberries down. They're not for you.
Come on, mate, don't be tight. We share everything now.
Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
Aaron Yeah, it's totally cool. Okay. Great.
[Aldous is performing cunilingus]
Oh, my God! Oh, ****! Oh, my God!
[He's on top of her in bed and Aaron is bathroom watching]
Daphne?
You sure you want to do this?
Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
Aaron ****! [Aaron walks over, grabs Aldous and kisses him passionately]
What are you doing? What are you doing? Aaron, no. What? What are you doing? I'm just having a threesome! I'm just having fun! Come on!
Aaron [Aaron grabs Aldous' genitals]
Enough with these rules and restrictions, right? Come on!
Unleash that! This is the emperor! Release him!
You need to look at yourselves. Honestly, this isn't how people live.
Aaron What the **** are we doing?
I don't know. What are we doing? I don't want to do this.
Aaron I don't want this, either. Like, at all.
I am so sorry, Aaron. How did this happen?
Aaron You kind of insisted, but whatever. Wow. That was insane. What was I thinking?
I think I've misjudged the dynamic. You've been wonderful hosts. Particularly you.
[Checks cellphone]
Oh, God, I'm on call. Jesus Christ. [She gets up and leaves]
Aaron Nothing you say makes any sense! Okay? I understand that now. You're just a **** junkie.
And you're smart, so you make your insanity sound good, but it's bullshit. This is it, Aaron. This is rock and roll. Did you enjoy the party?
Aaron You're sick in the **** head! You messed your own life up and now you have to mess up mine, too? We're done here? Get out of my apartment.
Thanks for the hospitality.
[All dressed in hospital scrubs]
Bye.
Aaron Where are my boxers?
TA TV announcer
[Aaron is watching television]
Coming up later... The 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow's seminal concert at the Greek. Live in Los Angeles. But now, Bill Maher, Red, White and Spew. [Aaron reads phone text message from Sergio in his voice] "Where the **** are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face."
Aaron **** him. [Puts down phone]
TA TV announcer
[Aaron is at kitchen table reading newspaper with page promoting Greek concert]
Broadcasting live from the Greek, your Uncle Joe. The crowd is amped! Aldous Snow, the most self-destructive man in rock and roll, not yet in the building. Well, there'll be a lot of Infant Sorrow...
[From answering machine]
Aaron? It's me. I really need to apologize and to tell you that I'm gonna jump off the roof of the Standard Hotel now.
Aaron **** him.
Aaron Shit! [He is driving erratically at high speed] Shit, shit, shit, shit.
...
Hello, Los Angeles! Should I jump into the pool? Or how about into the street?
Aaron Hey, Aldous, it's Aaron! Get down! I'm here! I'm here, get down from there! Hey, Aldous, I'm here! Hey! Hey, Aldous, don't jump!
Aaron Just come down and we'll talk about it! You made it! No, stop!
P Partygoer
He's gonna jump!
Aaron Don't do it! No, stop! No, no, no! No, no, no! [Aldous jumps into pool hitting shoulder on pool edge] Aldous! Aldous!
Aaron Are you okay, man? You...
Aaron, it was wrong of me to have sex with you and your girlfriend, Daphne. That wasn't fair.
Aaron No, no, that's okay.
We don't have to talk about it. I done it for me. I done it for my selfish reasons.
Aaron I know, but fine. Whatever. Just... I don't wanna... Are you okay?
I'm lonely, mate. I'm really lonely. And I'm sad. And I ain't got no one, except my mum. And she's an idiot. And now I'm crying in front of you, and you thought I was cool, didn't you, for a while, and now I'm crying. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed.
Aaron You try so hard, man.
Aaron You're Aldous Snow, man. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. And that's **** awesome. There's thousands of people in a room right now just standing, waiting to see your face. And they like you. I liked you before I met you.
Don't you like me no more?
Aaron Aldous, I came here. I'm here.
Right. I want to do the gig. I'm gonna... I'll do the gig. I'm gonna do it.
No, I didn't mean that. I don't think that we... Let's go.
Aaron We shouldn't go.
No, we should do it. Let's go. Let's do it. I don't want to let people down who love me.
Aaron Not tonight.
Aaron I'm pretty sure if you don't go to a hospital, you're going to die.
I want to go to the Greek Theatre and I want to save your job, and I want to perform for my fans and do something that ain't selfish, 'cause this is not working for me as a lifestyle choice.
Aaron You sure you're okay? 'Cause it looks like Jaws just bit your ass off.
Yeah. Little bit of blood makes a really big cloud.
...
Aaron [Aaron is speeding while driving]
This is a bad idea. We should not be doing this.
Yes, we should. This is a good idea. Although, my arm is hurting a little bit. I sustained an injury.
Aaron [Holds up arm with bone sticking out of gaping wound]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's bone. I'm taking you to the hospital, Aldous. I'm taking you to the hospital, all right, man?
Not tonight. This is rock and roll. Touch it.
Aaron That is so ****... [ He projectile vomits onto windshield]
Aaron I **** threw up.
I told you don't freak out.
Aaron Get that **** arm out of my face! I **** threw up!
...
[Aaron and Aldous arrive at Greek Theatre and Sergio greets them]
Yes, yes, yes! I knew you would make it. I love you!
Sergio. [Holds up wounded arm]
K Kali
No! We should take him to the hospital.
No. Come on, let's get him into wardrobe. Don't worry about it. Let's get him out to the audience there. The audience is getting restless, but you're here. You are here.
Aaron Hey, look, we should talk.
Aaron He's like, really, really hurt.
What are you talking about? He's here. He's all right. It's just a little scratch. There's a teeny-weeny bone sticking out!
Aaron He can't go on.
What the ****? Hold on. We have something for that. Give him two of these. He'll be singing like Aretha Franklin.
Aaron I can't do this anymore.
What the **** you talking about, you can't do it anymore? You, you got him here! You've done it!
Aaron He doesn't need to be pushed on the stage right now. I...
Sometimes we gotta sacrifice one lamb, baby. It's gonna be all right. He's not gonna die!
Aaron You keep feeding him drugs and lies. He's a sad guy. He needs help.
He's gonna live a long time. Trust me. British mother****ers don't die. You ever heard of a ****... A British rock and roll star dying? No, none of them die. Mick Jagger. Keith Richards. Those Led Zeppelin... Them mother****ers old as ****! **** Ozzy Osbourne's gonna outlive Miley Cyrus!
Aaron I quit.
Hey, come on! Why do you even have me feeling like this? This is supposed to be fun!
Aaron I **** quit.
Aaron Aldous! You don't have to go out there. You don't have to do this anymore!
I don't know what all the fuss was about. I love doing this!
Aaron You don't have to do this.
I do, Aaron. They're all here to see me. I feel nervous. It's good to feel something. I love this! It's all I've got. And you. I owe you one, mate. See you on the other side. [Singing] Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down Down, down, down Like the needle in my vein You're bringing me down, down, down Down, down, down Like a dog who's gone insane You're putting me down, down, down, down, down, down. And those of you who doubted me You're going down, down, down Down, down, down. And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on? I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up. And this world ain't gonna catch me going down. Another night, you're on my mind I'm hypnotized but I cannot find the signs. The signs for the Tube to come home. I need the Tube to get home. Another night I'm here alone. My eyes so tired from staring at this phone. Why won't you call and come home? Please, call and come home. And I know that you won't come. Just for the cash. But will you come for my bangers. My beans and mash? Another night in Soho Grand. My wrists so tired. From working with my hands. Why has the world gone so still? The world is so still I feel that my next meal might be my last. Will you come for my bangers My beans and mash? Come for my bangers My beans and mash.
[Aaron climbs into bed with Daphne]
Aaron?
Aaron Listen... Don't say anything.
...
Oh, my God. We slept for, like, 14 hours.
Aaron Wow. I feel so much better now.
Aaron Do you want to get some brunch? We should probably burn these sheets, huh?
Yeah. I can get some bleach from the hospital.
Aaron Maybe just torch the whole apartment. You got it?
