Sergio [All record executives are in a meeting in Sergio's office to be lambasted over their chronic lack of success]
We gotta thicken our revenue stream! We gotta thicken our **** stream! We gotta thicken the **** out of that stream right now! Shit is serious out here! The music business is failing! The bubble done pop! [Someone's phone rings and everyone looks around and Aaron looks at the Jazz producer's to get him to admit it] Whose phone is that?
JP Jazz producer
It's my phone, man.
Sergio That's your phone?
JP Jazz producer
It's mine, yeah.
Sergio Answer it.
JP Jazz producer
Definitely. [Answers phone] What's up, bro? Yeah. No, I can't talk right now. Yeah, he's actually staring at me, he's really pissed right now. Swear to God, I'm not joking, man. Yeah, 6:30. I gotta go right now, though. Bye. I apologize about that.
Sergio Throw that phone out of my office!
JP Jazz producer
Please don't make me do that.
Sergio Throw that **** phone out of my office!
JP Jazz producer
Right on. [He complies]
Sergio Y'all think this meeting is for me. No. No, this meeting is not for me. It's for y'all! See, see, I'm gonna be all right. I'm straight. I got villas in Brazil, Tahiti, East Hampton, Westhampton. Sergio gonna be fine! **** the recession. I own 20 Koo Koo Roos!
Sergio I own 21 Koo Koo Roos. Y'all don't own one Koo Koo Roo. Not one. Not one. Y'all are ****!
B Bodyguard
You all are [in a high pitch] ****!
Sergio He's not wrong. Everyone loves chicken. I'm doing fine. Please, people, help me help you. Who's first?
M Matty
Me first, Sergio. There's this Taiwanese phone company, TEC, it's got great valuation, it's a steal, dude. We buy that shit, we're not just selling the ring tones, we're selling the **** hardware, bitch.
Sergio Does this look like a telephone company to you? We make records here. This is not Cingular Wireless. Anybody here know anything about Cingular's wireless broadband, any of that **** phone shit?
Sergio Well, you know something, you should. Don't be proud of your ignorance. Now tell me something good.
M Matty
I just discovered the next Alicia Keys. I swear to God above, I can vouch for her.
Sergio The next Alicia Keys.
Sergio What was your last discovery?
Sergio I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?
Sergio Yeah, Chocolate mother**** Daddy. He discovered Chocolate Daddy. How much did Chocolate Daddy sell?
M Matty
Fifteen thousand units.
Sergio Fifteen thousand units. I'm proud of every unit. I'm proud of those units.
M Matty
I'm telling you, this girl is...
Sergio Shut the **** up.
Sergio Don't talk.
Sergio Shut the **** up, man. Please.
M Matty
[Kevin mouths "Don't talk to him, please]
I'm not gonna talk anymore.
Sergio Shut the **** up! Fifteen thousand units! You made me vouch for Chocolate Daddy! Fifteen thousand units! I got six **** kids! You know how much money that is to put them through school? You know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear? I'm sorry for my outburst. I'm having a panic attack right now. [Motions to Aaron] You. What you so quiet for?
Sergio That's what we need. We need ideas. Share. Share with the group.
Okay. Next month is the 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow Live at the Greek Theatre, which is one of the highest selling live albums of all time. And if we did some sort of anniversary concert, I did the figures, and it can generate millions of dollars in revenue.
Sergio So you think one show is gonna change our game.
Well, we simulcast on HBO, Facebook. We charge them each a million bucks to co-sponsor the event. And that'll jump-start sales of his back catalog, which we can re-release, re-master, with additional tracks and a live DVD of the concert.
Sergio Come on. We need a game changer. And Aldous Snow is not it.
Aldous Snow is one of the last remaining rock stars.
Sergio With all due respect, maybe a game changer's not what we need.
He's a real musician, and we have a chance to make real music, and that's how we can succeed. And personally, I think it would kick ass to see him play live again. That's why we're all in this business, right? To... 'Cause we're fans?
Sergio That's really nice. Now I need y'all to listen to something that's a game changer. Play that shit. [Starts playing Infant Sorrow rap song with vulgar lyrics and all staff starts dancing in seats] This is a game changer right here.
Aaron. I haven't performed in three years, you know? I need a drink if I'm gonna do this show. I feel tired. I don't even want to do it.
You'll do great. [To limo driver] We have, like, 14 minutes to get to the Today Show, so step on it.
Aaron. Here's a photo of you being sick last night.
And so it is. Who's this guy? He's really cute.
That's Naples. My son. The only thing that makes me happy, the little twit.
[Answers phone]
Hey, Sergio.
Sergio The 7:00 a.m. Flight! What the ****? You have lost control of this shit. What you think? Hold on. [To Pharrell Williams] I mean, come on, player. Lose the pink, man. It's not gangsta.
PW Pharrell Williams
That's your problem, man. You always trying to be gangsta.
Sergio What are you talkin' about? The name of the song is called I'm Gangsta!
PW Pharrell Williams
You're five zippers away from Thriller.
Sergio And you're one shirt away from Carlton, mother****er.
PW Pharrell Williams
**** off, Sergio.
Sergio You can **** me all you want, but you gonna change that goddamn pink. [To Aaron] Aaron, listen, your job is to keep him sober for the next 30 minutes.
Hey, I feel like a little whiskey. Do you mind? [Aldous hands Aaron flask] Thanks.
I'm not gonna wear this hat on the program, so whatever you do to my hair now is irrelevant.
I kind of feel like getting a buzz on also. [Aldous hands Aaron joint] Do you mind?
You enjoying yourself, mate? Goddamn. This ain't cool, what you're doing. 'Cause I need that for the show. This isn't cool.
Don't be a bitch, dude. Let me get my smoke on.
M Meredith
Economist Paul Krugman stops by to give us his take on the economy.
SA Studio assistant
Do you have any idea how late you are? You smell like a hobo.
M Meredith
But first, our interview and performance from British rocker Aldous Snow. We'll be back right after these messages. And we're in commercial. Thanks, guys.
Meredith! Hello, this is Aldous Snow. It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. I was getting a little worried. I know you changed your flights quite a few times. I didn't think you'd make it.
I apologize for our tardiness. The culprit is this gentleman. He's Aaron Green. That's why we're late, because of him. Aaron! Hey. Come meet Meredith. Hey, Meredith. Oh, my gosh. It's lovely to meet you.
There, see? He looks after me.
M Meredith
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. Ready, one, take. Aldous, tough question. You were famously sober for many years. Now you are famously not sober. Are you on something right now?
M Meredith
Yeah. Several things?
I'm just mucking around, Meredith. I've never taken drugs.
M Meredith
I have. I love them. Aldous, I'm worried about you.
...
Hey, you're doing great, man! You're doing great. So good.
I don't know the lyrics to African Child.
You're funny as shit, man.
I need you to get the lyrics. I'm serious. I don't know the lyrics. I can't remember what the lyrics are.
They're, like, the most simplest lyrics ever.
Are they, mate? What are they?
Yeah... Across the mystic desert Is a desert that is mystic.
No! That's not the lyrics.
SH Studio hand
Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds.
Don't worry. You started this.
M Meredith
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. I understand that African Child was commercially disappointing.
Who knows the lyrics to African Child? Who knows the lyrics to...
M Meredith
...artistically fulfilling. Yeah, but it was also critically disappointing.
Yes. Hey, man. What's up? Do you know the lyrics to African Child?
BM Band member
I don't know the lyrics. I just pound the drum and do the Africa face.
I need the lyrics to African Child! I need the lyrics to African Child! I guess I'm gonna. Okay, he's gonna sing.
M Meredith
It is a wonderful day here in New York City. We are seconds away from Aldous Snow performing live out in Rockefeller Plaza.
I can't... Sorry, Meredith! Oh, boy.
M Meredith
And now, Aldous.
Thank you. I'm Aldous Snow. And this is African Child. Oh, ****. Take three. Can you hit the delay? Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I want to... Do you remember The Clap? Play The Clap. One, two, three, four! We got the clap. You got the clap. We cooked the rocks. You took the smack. Ah, yeah. We love you! We got the itch. You got the scratch. Burns, burns, burns. Like the head of a match. You took the front, I took the back. Ah, yeah. We got the clap. We got it.
AG Audience girl
[Aldous holds mike to her]
I got the clap, ah!
SM Security man
[Aldous holds mike to him]
I got the clap, too!
[Aldous holds mike to him]
I'm so shitfaced.
M Meredith
What's going on?! My gosh!
We got the clap! You got the clap! Wiped my face on the welcome mat! We got the clap! Can't be beat! Got it off the back of a toilet seat! Shake your hips! Mind your feet! We got the clap! We got it!
M Meredith
Oh, no. Tell the West Coast, they gotta trim the balls. Ready, one, take.
We got the clap, can't be beat! We got the clap! We're gonna be performing at the Greek Theatre in two days! See you there!
Aldous! Aldous! Pandemonium! Oh, man! That was awesome! So cool! I enjoyed that!
I couldn't have done it without you, do you know what I mean?
The Clap! Great idea! You rocked that shit! It was amazing! It was crazy, man! That is so **** crazy! Oh, man!
Central Park is beautiful.
Are you sure you should do that, man?! We're on our way to the airport!
Let's go jogging! Come on, join in with me.
No, I don't... this... you know...
Please! For us, our friendship!
TA TSA agent
[Aaron and Aldous are waiting in line at the airport]
Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.
[Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand]
I need you to put this into your bottom hole.
Put this into your rectum.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the ****, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!
It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.
I won't do it. I won't do it. No.
Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.
TA TSA agent
Please keep the line moving, sir.
[Holds up phone]
My phone is ringing.
Your phone is not ringing.
It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!
Sergio [Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room]
Hey! The couch is not for jumping! [To Aaron] Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 **** minutes.
Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.
Sergio What kind of health issue? His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head, are they? [To wife] No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is Babybels and chocolate pudding!
Sergio's wife: Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.
Sergio I don't see no Go-Gurts! You need to put these shits where I can see them.
He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.
Sergio Then you put the drugs up your ass.
Please don't make me do that.
Sergio This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.
Sergio Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. [Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room] It's Biggest Loser time, it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.
Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!
[Aaron and Aldous are seated in the gate departure lounge having miraculously eluded security interception]
Why did you do this to me?
Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?
Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?
I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.
Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.
IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.
You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
Oh, no. I have to sneeze.
I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.
If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.
I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.
I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
I think I broke a rib.
...
I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.
CI Check-in agent
Let's see.
Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?
CI Check-in agent
Not yet.
Well, stick us on that then, please.
CI Check-in agent
Two first-class tickets?
Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.
CI Check-in agent
All right.
It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.
You didn't specify. He didn't specify.
Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.
You know. The favor that I did earlier.
My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.
His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.
I'm a terrible drug addict. Mule!
CI Check-in agent
Perfect.
...
[Aaron and Aldous are airborne in the plane]
All right, I want my package now.
I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.
Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?
You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.
[Aldous is chasing Aaron around in an overly opulent hotel room]
Are you ticklish?
Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.
[Aldous has restrained Aaron silhouetted behind a curtain veil and his arms deep in Aaron's pants]
Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!
Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?
In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? [Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor] Get the ****... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.
We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?
It's not a **** game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll **** destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!
Just calm... Just calm down.
It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, **** me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, 'cause I'll be **** you up.
B Brian
[Aaron walks up to casino concierge Brian at receptionist desk]
Hi. Can I help you?
Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.
B Brian
Okay. What's the last name?
Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?
B Brian
Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the **** hotel, 'cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a **** guest? Are you out of your mind?
I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?
B Brian
Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.
...
[Aaron is riding in Brian's heavily modded vehicle with pounding techno music]
I feel like I'm in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
...
R Roommate
[Holds up knife]
Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the **** stomach, all right?
B Brian
Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?
What... I'm not, like, involved in this.
...
B Brian
[Aaron is driving the vehicle with Brian holding his bloodied chest]
Oh, my God!
B Brian
You take a right on North Casino Way!
Every street's called Casino Way!
...
B Brian
[Aaron dumps Brian generally near the E.R. door and then runs away]
God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?
...
[Aldous is watching a music video by Jackie Q in a music video]
One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around my dirty posie. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.
[Aaron enters]
Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.
Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.
Thanks again for the suggestion.
[Jackie Q in the music video]
By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!
[Aldous and Aaron walk into see a performance of a Rat Pack cover band]
When Frank Sinatra moves his arm, you can see my dad. There. There! [Jonathan is playing a guitar as monotonously as ever]
...
J Jonathan
[Aldous and Aaron having dinner with Jonathan and his wife]
What about... What was that **** album you brought out last? It was... What was it? African something or Zambezi, or what was it?
J Jonathan
Child. Child. Yeah, yeah, African Child. You should have stayed away from that one, I think. I think you should've aborted that child, eh? You got that? You know, mate?
J Jonathan
She loved it, yeah. Yeah. She really did. No, she told me that she loved it.
W Wife
Yeah? I loved it. So enlightening.
J Jonathan
[Waitress has arrived with a tray of drinks]
We didn't order these.
W Waitress
These drinks are on the house.
J Jonathan
Oh, really? Great. Thank you very much. Funny, isn't it? You get rich and then everything comes free.
J Jonathan
So what brings you to Vegas?
Aldous wanted to visit you.
No. No, we were just passing through. We were near.
Actually, I've got a show at the Greek Theatre in LA.
J Jonathan
Terrific! Terrific! Great!
J Jonathan
Really? Terrific!
W Wife
We should go see that.
J Jonathan
Well, I'm not sure I... No, I think I'm busy tomorrow night. I'm busy tomorrow.
Don't worry about it. It's not set in stone or...
It's actually very set in stone.
J Jonathan
No, some of us have to work for a living, right? You know.
Yeah, 'cause I remember I became a rock star as a result of winning a quiz show.
J Jonathan
All right, all right. I'll check the schedule.
...
[Aldous, Aaron and Jonathan are in a strip club]
Dad! I like it here.
J Jonathan
Cheers, son. Yeah, I like to come here and clear my head. You remember that first strip club I brought you to?
I do. Fondly. Very fondly.
J Jonathan
So listen, what are you going to open with at the Greek?
J Jonathan
Really? I think you should open with Going Up. I love that **** song. It's **** genius. You know, it's a great thing to open with.
I mean, getting them up, getting them, ****, right there in the **** palm of your hand right away. Going Up.
Sergio [On the phone with Aaron while driving]
You missed sound check, bitch! You know how much that's gonna cost us?
I apologize. Look, things got out of control.
Sergio But, hey, we're at The Standard now, so it's all fine, because we're all settled in and we're here. Guess what. I'm downstairs in the lobby. Why don't you come on down?
You know what? Actually, Aldous just went to sleep. So I just think it'd be better if he just, like, got some rest. [Sergio appears behind him looking very annoyed] April Fools.
Sergio I don't want to hear that shit. You **** up.
He doesn't do anything you want him to do! He's a crazy person!
Sergio Okay, shut the **** up and listen. There's a change of plans. I hope you got a good night's sleep. We going to party these pussy limey mother****ers into the ground. They gonna be dying to leave Vegas. But we gonna have to mind **** them. A deep mind ****.
[Calls across the strip club]
Sergio!
Sergio Aldous, hey! Have a drink with us!
Sergio What's up, baby?
Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Join in!
Sergio [To Aaron]
Let's get our mind **** on.
...
Sergio [Sergio is in a lounge area with Aldous and Jonathan]
Now, the Rat Pack was the shit! Yes, those guys right there could croon! Whenever I would hear Frank or Dean or Sammy sing, shit would just warm my heart! You know, it just makes me **** tingle!
J Jonathan
It's nice, isn't it?
Yeah, I feel that. I feel that, Sergio. Sometimes I think that I was Frank Sinatra in a past life, even though I was born before he died.
Sergio No, I'm Frank Sinatra.
J Jonathan
What? No. You? No. No. No, no, no. Sorry, mate. You can't be Frank! Can't be Frank. No.
Sergio What you trying to say? I gotta be Sammy?
Sergio Why I gotta be Sammy? 'Cause I'm black, I gotta be Sammy Davis?
J Jonathan
Well, you know... I look more like Frank than I do look like Sammy!
Hey, so it looks like you got everything under control, so I might call it an evening.
Sergio Sit your ass... Has he been acting like a bitch this whole time?
Yes, he has. Yeah, he's been a right little bitch.
Sergio What are you doing? You are representing Pinnacle. [Grabs an attractive stripper] Excuse me. Come here for a second. What's your name?
Sergio Destiny, this is Aaron. He's my personal attendant. He runs shit for me.
D Destiny
Nice to meet you. Aaron. [She shakes his hand]
Sergio Destiny. Destiny, pay attention. You are gonna go and have sex with Aaron. Right now.
Sergio Aaron, go with your destiny.
D Destiny
[Laughing]
That's my name, Destiny. And you're using it two ways.
...
D Destiny
I'm actually in a band. My life is music. I'm in an all-girl cover band and we do the Pussycat Girl's songs. And we're called the Pussy Kittens. Can you hook me up with Aldous?
[Destiny is on top of Aaron lying on a bed and she lifts up skirt]
Okay, what are you doing? What? Don't do that.
D Destiny
I feel like I want to show you something.
I feel like I don't want to see it, though. All right! Hey! So that's your vagina. Right on.
D Destiny
No, but look at it! Look at the hair. Look at the pubic hair! It's... Yeah, it's a microphone. For my work. Hello. Testing, one, two, three! Is this thing on? Hello?
Hey, so put that away, all right?
D Destiny
Do you want to sing hair-aoke?
I'm okay. I'm all right. Oh, my God.
D Destiny
I think you're really sexy because you look like Dennis Quaid.
What? Really? Randy Quaid, maybe.
D Destiny
Off with the pants. Honestly... Pants-off party!
You're acting crazy! Stop. No!
All right. Fun and games are over. Let's relax for a second. Let's just, let's just... [Destiny produces a dildo from her purse] You carry that around with you?
Stop! When's the last time you Purell-d that thing?
D Destiny
Kiss it. You like it.
D Destiny
This is going inside of you!
No! Get off of me! What are you doing? Oh, my God! Why does this keep happening to me?
D Destiny
Take your medicine. Yes, yes.
Why does it have balls?
...
J Jonathan
That was really nice. No, it's really nice, you know, playing together like that.
J Jonathan
We should do it more often.
J Jonathan
Yeah, you know, there's a ballroom space opening up at the Golden Nugget. I know the owner a bit, you know? I could hook you up with a permanent gig there. We could make loads of dough. Well, they're all doing it, you know. Cher. Celine Dion. Elton John.
If you want money from me, Dad, just ask.
J Jonathan
I don't want your **** money, do I? I just want to help your **** career, don't I?
My career don't need help. Really?
J Jonathan
Your last record, you know how many it sold? Don't need help? You sure **** do.
So you know the precise sales figures for me last album. When was me birthday? Surprise me. Now, look, look... When was me birthday?
J Jonathan
Aldy, Aldy, Aldy! You never would have made it without me.
I did make it without you. I made it in spite of you.
J Jonathan
You inherited all your musical talent from me! I wrote all your songs from the tip of my ****.
Right. That's it. So, like, I've been plagiarizing from your ball bag.
J Jonathan
Where does the DNA come... Where does your talent come from?
Here. Brilliant bit of biology, Dad. Yeah, I think that's what Darwin discovered on the Galapagos Isles. That music can be written in someone's spunk.
J Jonathan
I'm talking **** facts.
I think I've just been raped.
Raped? Here you go, mate. [Holds up a joint] That'll take the edge off. [Hands joint to Jonathan] Yeah, give him that. Make yourself useful.
J Jonathan
[Jonathan hands joint to Aaron]
Here you go.
It's called a Jeffrey, Aaron. Bit of this, bit of that.
J Jonathan
Here. Have a look. Have a look at this. [Shows a picture of Aldous as a youth] Aldous Snow wasn't always so pretty, was he, eh?
What are you showing him that for, Dad? Why do you carry that photograph?
J Jonathan
Remember when we used to box? You used to get in the ring, wheezing around. Do you remember?
Hey, what's in this? My heart's starting to beat really fast.
It's weed mostly. Sergio gave it to me. It's got a bit of opium in it. Some heroin. Crunched-up E's. Clorox. Methadone. Subutex. Morphine. Peyote. Some other stuff that's unidentifiable, and I think a little bit of angel dust, actually, if I'm not mistaken. You know, bit of glue for...
J Jonathan
Yeah. You know...
Keep it traditional. It's like a drug Neapolitan. Oh, my God, look at his little boat. What a lovely little boat race. [Holds up phone] Yeah, let me get a shot of that. Hold it, hold it. Cheese! [Takes Aaron's picture] I'll never tire of looking at that git.
Why the **** is it called a Jeffrey?
'Cause who could be scared of a Jeffrey?
J Jonathan
Yeah, Jeffrey's just this nice bloke from down the road, isn't he?
J Jonathan
"I've just moved in. Yes, I'm Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey."
"My wife has got varicose veins!"
I'm having a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack.
You're not having a heart attack, Aaron.
J Jonathan
I think he might be having a heart attack.
He's not. He's all right. Oh, no. Don't wind him up.
I'm having a heart attack.
J Jonathan
He is. He's having a heart attack.
I'm telling you. Listen to your dad! He's right!
He's not having a heart attack.
J Jonathan
He looks like he's having a heart attack, doesn't he?
Aaron, come with me, mate. Just get away from him. He's an idiot. It's all right. Just take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That's what you need to do. Come here. We're together, mate, all right? I shouldn't have given you the Jeffrey. That was a mistake. I'm so sorry. But relax now. It's over. Everything is beautiful. The world is beautiful. Everything is cool. Look around us, we're... Look at that, look. Look at these. [Spots an ant on a wall and picks it off to show Aaron] Look at this tiny, simple beauty of this tiny little ant. Isn't that lovely? See? We're at one with that. So lovely. It's nice, beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And lovely, and wonderful, and pure and... [Aldous deliberately inhales the ant and Aaron whimpers in fear] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. No. I'm on the Jeffrey, too. Now just breathe deeply. Okay. Okay. That won't last. No. That's the joy of the Jeffrey, you see. It goes away, but then it comes back! Don't worry. It doesn't do that. You're gonna be okay. Don't listen to him, don't listen to him. Here. Put your hand here. Just touch the furry wall. Stay with me. Be calm. Be calm. Just stroke the furry wall. You're with the furry wall. With the furry wall now. Dad! Stop bullying my mate!
J Jonathan
You sound just like your mum.
Sergio Y'all need to take a hit of this Jeffrey! It'll calm you down!
J Jonathan
Sammy's right! Right, I've got a question. She still seeing that soft-dick postman, eh? Or has he left her as well?
You're gonna die on your own, old man. You're gonna die and I'm gonna **** laugh when you die, you old ****. [Aldous turns and calls to Aaron] Aaron, stop stroking the furry wall! We're going... [Jonathan grabs an acoustic guitar and smashes it on Aldous' back and then bodyslams Aldous on a pool table] Get off!
Hey, shouldn't somebody stop this?
Sergio Feel how good this feels? I'm gonna cover the whole outside of my house in this material.
J Jonathan
[Aldous attempts to escape by crawling under a culvert and Jonathan grabs Aldous by the ankles]
Come back here. Get back here. Get...
Sergio My house is gonna look like a **** werewolf.
J Jonathan
Go on, run away!
Sergio See, Aaron? The plan is working. This is what old pussy used to look like in the '70s. I miss that.
You're a very bad parent! [Aldous punches Jonathan in the face]
J Jonathan
I'll show you bad, eh? [He draws a pistol]
That's a gun! He's got a gun!
Sergio Now that's what I'm talking about.
Oh, no. Where did that come from? [To Aaron] Hey! Keep stroking the wall! Keep stroking the wall!
J Jonathan
That's Jeffrey's gun.
Sergio No one endangers my artist! [Sergio deflects gun upwards and Jonathan discharges it]
Somebody help me, please!
D Destiny
This is so rock star.
I'm having a heart attack! Somebody take me to the hospital! It's on North Casino Way! Calm down. I'm having a heart attack!
You're having a heart attack, are you?
[Seduced by the furry wall]
Jesus! Why can't everything be this simple?
J Jonathan
[Throwing a wine bottle]
Sergio, fancy a drink, eh? [Sergio takes cover behind a mini fridge door and throws a bottle and Jonathan responds with throwing dishes]
Sergio would have made you bring a medical kit.
It's over there! It's over there!
J Jonathan
[He frisbees a metal casserole dish lid]
****er. [The lid hits Sergio in the head, knocking him out and Jonathan throws up both hands in celebration] Yeah! I'm okay. Right! [He glances at Sergio again who has strangely disappeared]
[Aldous grabs Aaron with medical kit in mouth and manhandling him away and throws him to the floor]
Come here! [Gets on top of him]
Now I'm gonna stab you in the heart with this adrenaline needle.
What? What? [Aldous injects Aaaron] I'm alive!
Sergio [Sergio grabs Jonathan by ankles and drags him down steps]
See if you like this. [Two Pinnacle Records employee appear] Where the hell you been?
B Bodyguard
We went to see Cher.
Sergio Cher? How was it?
J Jonathan
[He lunges at Sergio]
This is all your fault! [Aaron lunges at Jonathan who turns around gets scratched in the face] He's **** Catwoman!
[Grabs Aaron and manhandles him away]
You're so mean! That's enough!
J Jonathan
It's not easy being a parent. [Sergio grabs a lava lamp and smashes it on Jonathan's head] Shit!
I'm sorry, pops, you okay? [Sergio throws Jonathan headfirst into a TV screen smashing it and Destiny cheers]
Sergio [Sergio grabs a hot coal from a pit fire and immediately drops it onto the furry rug, starting a fire]
Now, this is what the music industry is all about.
Sergio I love this game!
He's Jeffreyed. Let's go! Bye!
Sergio No, I don't think so. [He then gives chase after Aaron and Aldous down a hallway]
This adrenaline's crazy! I've never run so fast in my life!
**** your luggage! We'll get you new luggage!
Sergio Where you going? Run all the way back to LA!
This is the longest hallway of all time!
Sergio You cannot outrun me! I am black!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Please, driver! Just drive it! Go! Now! Go! Go! Go! Go! Drive! Drive faster! Quickly! Go! Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh! [Sergio is chasing them along The Strip gets hit by car] Stop, stop! Stop!
Sergio Why aren't you bitches going? Come on! [He watches Aaron and Aldous drive away] The plan worked! Now that's a mind****!
Sergio [Answering machine plays]
Aaron! This is Sergio! Where the **** are you guys? And why the **** aren't you answering your phone? I'm answering my phone, and I just got hit by a mother**** car!
[Aaron is putting out romantic touches and Daphne enters the house]
Hi. Before you say anything just let me talk, okay? You were right. We broke off our relationship without really thinking about it. And I've learned over the past few days that life is mainly filled with superficial surface encounters. And I realize now how wonderful it is, what we have. I'm begging you to take me back. I'm sorry.
Did you hook up with anyone while you were gone?
You mean surface encounters?
[Aldous knocks on door]
What is he doing here?
What the **** is he doing here? I'll get rid of him, all right?
[Opens door and lets Aldous in]
Hey, man. What are you doing here?
Just went and saw Jackie. She's marrying Lars Ulrich now, and Naples ain't really my son. I remember thinking, "What bad advice." Thank you, Aaron. So, this is what you live in. You're Daphne then? Dr. Daphne? You know, when you hear about someone and then you meet them? That's happening now. I've walked in the middle of a romantic reconciliation?
No. No, no, no. Definitely not. [Aldous walks over to a couch and sits really comfortably]
Why is it so tense? Is it because he had sex with other people when he was working with me?
I think that's something we should... We're gonna discuss privately.
Yes. I would like to talk about it. I am upset. I am pissed. [She sits in a chair in front of Aldous really formally]
Why are you so cross, Daphne?
Because he broke my trust. We were barely broken up for a day and he went and cheated on me.
I didn't enjoy it, okay? [He sits in a chair also formally]
What I think, Daph, is that human beings by their nature are polygamous. It's against nature to be with one person. It never works.
Yeah. Or you think it's working, and then it turns out he's cheating on you with a bunch of hos and skanks. [Aldous pointing at Aaron twice]
I personally think that monogamy can work given the right circumstance.
Aaron, why have you chosen to put yourself in this ideological prison? You don't need these unnecessary restrictions. Unless you get rid of them, you just can't progress.
What kind of sexual restrictions? 'Cause in nature, there's everything from polygamy to, like, a threesome. What...
Threesome. Well, I mean, a threesome is something that's possible right now. You know, the three of us could have a threesome. Hypothetically. We've got the utensils. There's three of us.
Okay, that's funny. Yeah, we're gonna do a threesome. Let's just get naked and start **** right here.
We should do it. We should have a threesome.
Wait, what? I don't... What?
Come on. Let's have a threesome.
No, thanks. I don't... I'm all right, thank you.
So you get to mess around on the road, and because I'm a woman, I don't get to have any fun? You had your turn. It's my turn now. I would like to have a threesome, please.
Don't think of it as a threesome. Think of it as having sex with your girlfriend while someone else also has sex with your girlfriend.
I think it'd be fun. We should do a threesome.
We are pre-negotiating a threesome.
Pre-negotiated. And agreed upon. I'm **** psyched!
So, Aaron, Daphne, shall we play doctor?
I'm not sucking his dick, that's like 100%.
...
[Starts playing ipod playlist and watching Aaron and Daphne on bed standing with plate of strawberries]
Just relax. Just relax and listen to Mariah. [Daphne leans in to kiss Aaron] That's good. Aaron, look at her. Aaron, look at Daphne.
Put those strawberries down. They're not for you.
Come on, mate, don't be tight. We share everything now.
Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
Yeah, it's totally cool. Okay. Great.
[Aldous is performing cunilingus]
Oh, my God! Oh, ****! Oh, my God!
[He's on top of her in bed and Aaron is bathroom watching]
Daphne?
You sure you want to do this?
Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
****! [Aaron walks over, grabs Aldous and kisses him passionately]
What are you doing? What are you doing? Aaron, no. What? What are you doing? I'm just having a threesome! I'm just having fun! Come on!
[Aaron grabs Aldous' genitals]
Enough with these rules and restrictions, right? Come on!
Unleash that! This is the emperor! Release him!
You need to look at yourselves. Honestly, this isn't how people live.
What the **** are we doing?
I don't know. What are we doing? I don't want to do this.
I don't want this, either. Like, at all.
I am so sorry, Aaron. How did this happen?
You kind of insisted, but whatever. Wow. That was insane. What was I thinking?
I think I've misjudged the dynamic. You've been wonderful hosts. Particularly you.
[Checks cellphone]
Oh, God, I'm on call. Jesus Christ. [She gets up and leaves]
Nothing you say makes any sense! Okay? I understand that now. You're just a **** junkie.
And you're smart, so you make your insanity sound good, but it's bullshit. This is it, Aaron. This is rock and roll. Did you enjoy the party?
You're sick in the **** head! You messed your own life up and now you have to mess up mine, too? We're done here? Get out of my apartment.
Thanks for the hospitality.
[All dressed in hospital scrubs]
Bye.
TA TV announcer
[Aaron is watching television]
Coming up later... The 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow's seminal concert at the Greek. Live in Los Angeles. But now, Bill Maher, Red, White and Spew. [Aaron reads phone text message from Sergio in his voice] "Where the **** are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face."
**** him. [Puts down phone]
TA TV announcer
[Aaron is at kitchen table reading newspaper with page promoting Greek concert]
Broadcasting live from the Greek, your Uncle Joe. The crowd is amped! Aldous Snow, the most self-destructive man in rock and roll, not yet in the building. Well, there'll be a lot of Infant Sorrow...
[From answering machine]
Aaron? It's me. I really need to apologize and to tell you that I'm gonna jump off the roof of the Standard Hotel now.
Shit! [He is driving erratically at high speed] Shit, shit, shit, shit.
...
Hello, Los Angeles! Should I jump into the pool? Or how about into the street?
Hey, Aldous, it's Aaron! Get down! I'm here! I'm here, get down from there! Hey, Aldous, I'm here! Hey! Hey, Aldous, don't jump!
Just come down and we'll talk about it! You made it! No, stop!
P Partygoer
He's gonna jump!
Don't do it! No, stop! No, no, no! No, no, no! [Aldous jumps into pool hitting shoulder on pool edge] Aldous! Aldous!
Are you okay, man? You...
Aaron, it was wrong of me to have sex with you and your girlfriend, Daphne. That wasn't fair.
We don't have to talk about it. I done it for me. I done it for my selfish reasons.
I know, but fine. Whatever. Just... I don't wanna... Are you okay?
I'm lonely, mate. I'm really lonely. And I'm sad. And I ain't got no one, except my mum. And she's an idiot. And now I'm crying in front of you, and you thought I was cool, didn't you, for a while, and now I'm crying. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed.
You're Aldous Snow, man. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. And that's **** awesome. There's thousands of people in a room right now just standing, waiting to see your face. And they like you. I liked you before I met you.
Don't you like me no more?
Aldous, I came here. I'm here.
Right. I want to do the gig. I'm gonna... I'll do the gig. I'm gonna do it.
No, I didn't mean that. I don't think that we... Let's go.
No, we should do it. Let's go. Let's do it. I don't want to let people down who love me.
I'm pretty sure if you don't go to a hospital, you're going to die.
I want to go to the Greek Theatre and I want to save your job, and I want to perform for my fans and do something that ain't selfish, 'cause this is not working for me as a lifestyle choice.
You sure you're okay? 'Cause it looks like Jaws just bit your ass off.
Yeah. Little bit of blood makes a really big cloud.
...
[Aaron is speeding while driving]
This is a bad idea. We should not be doing this.
Yes, we should. This is a good idea. Although, my arm is hurting a little bit. I sustained an injury.
[Holds up arm with bone sticking out of gaping wound]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's bone. I'm taking you to the hospital, Aldous. I'm taking you to the hospital, all right, man?
Not tonight. This is rock and roll. Touch it.
That is so ****... [ He projectile vomits onto windshield]
I told you don't freak out.
Get that **** arm out of my face! I **** threw up!
...
Sergio [Aaron and Aldous arrive at Greek Theatre and Sergio greets them]
Yes, yes, yes! I knew you would make it. I love you!
Sergio. [Holds up wounded arm]
Sergio Shit!
K Kali
No! We should take him to the hospital.
Sergio No. Come on, let's get him into wardrobe. Don't worry about it. Let's get him out to the audience there. The audience is getting restless, but you're here. You are here.
Hey, look, we should talk.
Sergio What's up?
He's like, really, really hurt.
Sergio What are you talking about? He's here. He's all right. It's just a little scratch. There's a teeny-weeny bone sticking out!
Sergio What the ****? Hold on. We have something for that. Give him two of these. He'll be singing like Aretha Franklin.
Sergio What the **** you talking about, you can't do it anymore? You, you got him here! You've done it!
He doesn't need to be pushed on the stage right now. I...
Sergio Sometimes we gotta sacrifice one lamb, baby. It's gonna be all right. He's not gonna die!
You keep feeding him drugs and lies. He's a sad guy. He needs help.
Sergio He's gonna live a long time. Trust me. British mother****ers don't die. You ever heard of a ****... A British rock and roll star dying? No, none of them die. Mick Jagger. Keith Richards. Those Led Zeppelin... Them mother****ers old as ****! **** Ozzy Osbourne's gonna outlive Miley Cyrus!
Sergio Hey, come on! Why do you even have me feeling like this? This is supposed to be fun!
Sergio Aaron, get back here!
...
Aldous! You don't have to go out there. You don't have to do this anymore!
I don't know what all the fuss was about. I love doing this!
You don't have to do this.
I do, Aaron. They're all here to see me. I feel nervous. It's good to feel something. I love this! It's all I've got. And you. I owe you one, mate. See you on the other side. [Singing] Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down Down, down, down Like the needle in my vein You're bringing me down, down, down Down, down, down Like a dog who's gone insane You're putting me down, down, down, down, down, down. And those of you who doubted me You're going down, down, down Down, down, down. And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on? I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up. And this world ain't gonna catch me going down. Another night, you're on my mind I'm hypnotized but I cannot find the signs. The signs for the Tube to come home. I need the Tube to get home. Another night I'm here alone. My eyes so tired from staring at this phone. Why won't you call and come home? Please, call and come home. And I know that you won't come. Just for the cash. But will you come for my bangers. My beans and mash? Another night in Soho Grand. My wrists so tired. From working with my hands. Why has the world gone so still? The world is so still I feel that my next meal might be my last. Will you come for my bangers My beans and mash? Come for my bangers My beans and mash.
[Aaron climbs into bed with Daphne]
Aaron?
Listen... Don't say anything.
...
Oh, my God. We slept for, like, 14 hours.
Wow. I feel so much better now.
Do you want to get some brunch? We should probably burn these sheets, huh?
Yeah. I can get some bleach from the hospital.
Maybe just torch the whole apartment. You got it?
