[Aldous is in a music video taking place in a gun battle in an African village] [Singing]
I have crossed the mystic desert. To snap pictures of the poor. I've invited them to brunch. Let them crash out on my floor. There's sunshine in my veins My kitchen's filled with flies. I'm crying out in vain Like a little African child. Trapped in me. There's a little African child trapped in me. All of these blowjobs in limousines. Why do they matter, what do they mean. To the little African child trapped in me?
Z Zoe
This is Zoe Salmon, and I'm on the set of international rock star Aldous Snow's new music video, African Child.
I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, well, a war in I think it was Darfur or Zimbabwe or Rwanda, one of them. And I just thought, "This isn't right, is it?" And I made some phone calls. It turns out, it isn't.
Z Zoe
Aldous' longtime girlfriend and mother of their son, Naples, model pop star Jackie Q.
He's really passionate. He's never been to Africa, but he's really passionate about it. And about, like, potentially going there.
When they were putting together this costume, I said, "Imagine an African, white Christ from space." And this is what they came back with, an African, white space Christ. That's how it... Well, that's just the concept, you know. Obviously, I'm not saying I'm an African, white space Christ. That would be... That's not for me to say. That's for other people... That's for other people to say if they think I'm... They think I'm like Jesus. [Sings] Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite.
Z Zoe
Jackie, you've had multiple hit singles, an amazing modeling career, and your very own perfume line. How do you find balance with your family life?
Naples Really cool!
He's so gorgeous. And Aldy's the best father.
Z Zoe
What do you love most about Aldous?
I just love his energy and insight. The way he says my name and...
Z Zoe
You have a huge album coming out right now, African Child. Everyone is so excited about it. You must be, too.
When people look back at musical history, they'll say, "Sergeant Pepper, African Child." That's what they'll probably say. [Sing] Trapped in me...
...
B Brooke
Jackie, Aldous, welcome back to Showbiz Tonight. Great to see you! How are things going, Aldous?
Fantastically. To tell you the truth, Brooke. I'm happy in a way I didn't think was truly possible for me.
B Brooke
Great. And you, Jackie?
I'm actually a bit bored, you know. We've been sober now seven years together. And it's been a real adjustment for me, you know, the difference in lifestyle. You know, he works out all day getting every part of his body really hard. Except one part's missing, you know? One part. I think that through all that...
Jackie. Have you been drinking today?
I've had a few **** drinks, yeah. Just a few drinks.
But that... You know, whatever. You know, arrest me. But it's really boring.
[To the hostess]
The old Aldous would have, you know, had his way with you. Would've bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way! And now we'd be having a three-way! You'd be coming over for a cognac later, I'll tell you that, sweetie! But that's not happening anymore!
Do you want me to start drinking again?! Is that what you'd like?! Do you want to return to that?!
I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts! If that's what you want! I'm just saying!
Mario of Extra: [To viewer] Tell you what, time to invest in Jack Daniel's, 'cause Aldous Snow is off the wagon!
[Aldous is partying with P!nk]
Drinking gin at half past 5:00. Chatting up the bird with the dodgy eye, I vomit Jager on her pasty thighs Do a runner when her fella arrives Drop the pills, I'm off me crust. Meet the lads, I'm coming up
Billy Bush of Access Hollywood: The misbehaving singer appeared on MTV News this weekend to leak some exciting info.
[Repeatedly over montage of antics]
Let's get ****..., let's get **** up on the town...
V Voiceover
Aldous Snow's father and former manager, Jonathan Snow, has written a tell-all book.
J Jonathan
Well, I managed Aldous for the first two years of his career.
Yeah, he managed me while I was in his testicles! The minute he ejaculated, the management ended! No, I don't **** miss it! I'll show you what it's like!
V Voiceover
Yeah, you're watching Aldous Snow on TMZ!
[Repeatedly over montage of antics]
Let's get ****..., let's get **** up on the town..., let's have fun..., let's have fun up on the town..., called a cab, back to mine. Same routine every time.
[Aldous arrives at Jackie's residence, knocks on door and she answers]
Good morning, beautiful. Fancy an orgasm? 'Cause I knock them out, like, for free.
I told you not to come here.
[Aldous is performing cunilingus on her on a couch with a blanket over his head]
I gotta stop now. We're done. All right. [Aldous takes off blanket]
Hey. Steady! That's not fair. I haven't finished. I got a busy day!
What, you want to have a wank and then just rub my tits or something?
I don't want to rub your tits and wank.
I'll tell you a sexy story.
Jackie! Darling. That's not fair. That's not equal. Reason within.
What about a BJ? Just a quick one.
Will you do my balls as well?
Will you put your fingers up my bottom?
All right, yeah. Later. What are you even doing here, Aldous? Why are you in LA?
I'm here because I've been thinking about you the last few days. I want to be with you, Jackie. I know that now.
I'm not partying anymore. I'm in a clean zone. I have been for a while.
Well, that's perfect, because... I'm actually a different person. A very different person.
I want to be clean with you. You're the love of my life.
Aldous, I've been doing kabbalah. It's an ancient religion. It's brought to light all the mistakes that I've made. For all those mistakes, I am sorry.
Don't be sorry. Let's get married. I love you.
Yeah, and I was going to get married, but then you went to rehab for methamphetamine, I was taking a lot of E, and we had to reschedule.
Come off, 'cause that's not important.
Aldous! This has been the best four months of my life. I've realized you aren't capable of happiness. It's why your music's so shit. It's been years since I've seen you laugh or cry in a real way. You just numb yourself with drugs.
I was clean for seven years...
And you did yoga for five **** hours a day! That's mental. There's nothing in this world that you can't turn into heroin. The other day, Lars cried for three hours.
It was beautiful! And cleansing! And more intimate than anything you and I have ever shared.
We share a son. That is a bit more intimate than a crying drummer.
Yes, he is. Yes, he... Jackie, why... Don't say things like that in an argument, 'cause, like, you can't come back from that. That's horrible.
He's not. Do you remember that photographer, Fernando? Do you remember when Fernando and I went and spent that month together in Naples? I'm so sorry, Aldous. I was 19 at the time, and I was so in love with you, and I thought you would break it off with me, and then you turned out to be such a good father. And then he just kept looking more and more Italian. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad we finally got to have this conversation, darling. Namaste.
This is not an appropriate time to say namaste.
...
Naples Yeah?
One day you'll have to find a wife or a partner.
Naples Yeah, I know that.
Don't choose a woman like your mother.
Naples What do you mean?
I mean, your mother is a wonderful mother, but she is a terrible human being.
Naples Are you sure of that?
Well, yeah, because if she wasn't terrible, Naples, why would she have torn my heart up?
Naples Why are you so moody today?
I'm not moody. I'm just... I'm all right. Do you love me?
Naples I do love you, Dad. I do love you, Aldous. Why do I have to call you Aldous? You are my dad. Aldous. Dad. Aldous. Dad.
Right. I'll see you later. [They hug]
Naples See you tomorrow, Dad.
Naples You gonna be okay, Aldous?
Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. I'll forget that the last seven years has happened.
L Lars
Babe? We should really get back to Naples. He's waiting back there for us.
So why don't you go and sue Napster, you little Danish twat?
[Aldous is hosting and guest-starring on VH1's Storytellers six months after the Greek concert]
All right. Thank you. Thank you. You sound sarcastic now. Cheers, cheers. Welcome back to Storytellers. Yeah, I've been sober now for six months. So that's positive. Thank you. Thanks. It's lovely to be applauded for being in recovery by people who I can see are on drugs. I can see some of you are literally on drugs now, aren't you? Here with us in the audience is my dear friend and collaborator, Aaron Green. Stand up, Aaron! Yes. We have a working relationship. He's my producer. He's got a label. How are you? What are you wearing? Is this 'cause you live in Seattle? You think, "Oh, I'm grunge." Is that what it is? You look like a lesbian.
Sit down, Aaron. Thank you. That is Aaron Green. Round of applause. All right. But also here is my lad. You all right, sunshine? Naples is here. You all right, mate?
Naples I'm fine, Daddy.
Yeah. See, he still calls me daddy. He was my son for a while, but due to my complicated sex life, it turns out it's best just to think of him as a tiny associate. Also, also he's quite mature. He's more mature than me. Do you love me?
Naples Uh, yeah.
Don't think that long! It doesn't mean anything! So, all right. And my mum's here as well. You all right, Mum? You all right, darling? Well, hey, listen, I wanna... Jeez, I'm sidetracked. So, let's get on with the... Let's do this song. It's important for a number of reasons, but the most important thing is that it was a hit. Thank the **** Lord. [Singing] Yeah. When the world slips you a Jeffrey. Stroke the furry wall. Stroke the furry wall. Furry walls, don't bring me down. Furry walls, please stay around. [Repeatedly] Furry walls..., kiss me to sleep. Furry walls, please help me leap. [Repeatedly] Furry walls..., can take you on a magic carpet ride. Furry walls surround you till you got no place to hide. Let your furry fingers be your guide. Furry walls, turn out the light. Furry walls, please stay the night. Furry walls, furry walls, furry walls, let's have a taste, furry walls, sit on my face. Furry walls, furry walls. Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above. All around are furry clouds Look, here's a furry dove. Let me stroke your furry walls of love.
...
[Singing]
Little bird, drink the champagne from my lips. Take a flying saucer trip to the stars in my eyes. Little bird Sitting on the tip of my tongue. Though you look a bit too young. Could be the stars in my eyes. Your words, like butterflies dance around my head your body, like forbidden wine. Spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Little bird. Brand new galaxies await you. Open up and let me take you to the stars. Your words, like butterflies, dance around my head. Your body, like forbidden wine spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Little bird, little bird, little bird. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high. Reach your dominant hand in the sky. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for sex. For me and me helmet and wherever it winds up next Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for our Queen for shagging five birds in the back of me limousine. I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos, I feel in tune with you tonight. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for love While snogging down south While jiggling up above Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant hand! Tonight! Unity! Yeah, yeah Oi, oi, unity! And love! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for tea For separation of Church and State and me! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant leg! I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos! I feel in tune with you tonight! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high to the sky!
...
[Post credits scene] [Facing viewer]
Go home. Get the **** out the theater. The movie's over.
