Aldous
Aaron. I haven't performed in three years, you know? I need a drink if I'm gonna do this show. I feel tired. I don't even want to do it.
Aaron
You'll do great. [To limo driver] We have, like, 14 minutes to get to the Today Show, so step on it.
Aldous
Aaron. Here's a photo of you being sick last night.
Aaron
And so it is. Who's this guy? He's really cute.
Aldous
That's Naples. My son. The only thing that makes me happy, the little twit.
Aaron
[Answers phone]
Hey, Sergio.
Sergio
The 7:00 a.m. Flight! What the ****? You have lost control of this shit. What you think? Hold on. [To Pharrell Williams] I mean, come on, player. Lose the pink, man. It's not gangsta.
PW Pharrell Williams
That's your problem, man. You always trying to be gangsta.
Sergio
What are you talkin' about? The name of the song is called I'm Gangsta!
PW Pharrell Williams
You're five zippers away from Thriller.
Sergio
And you're one shirt away from Carlton, mother****er.
PW Pharrell Williams
**** off, Sergio.
Sergio
You can **** me all you want, but you gonna change that goddamn pink. [To Aaron] Aaron, listen, your job is to keep him sober for the next 30 minutes.
Aaron
Hey, I feel like a little whiskey. Do you mind? [Aldous hands Aaron flask] Thanks.
Aldous
I'm not gonna wear this hat on the program, so whatever you do to my hair now is irrelevant.
Aaron
I kind of feel like getting a buzz on also. [Aldous hands Aaron joint] Do you mind?
Aldous
You enjoying yourself, mate? Goddamn. This ain't cool, what you're doing. 'Cause I need that for the show. This isn't cool.
Aaron
Don't be a bitch, dude. Let me get my smoke on.
M Meredith
Economist Paul Krugman stops by to give us his take on the economy.
Aaron
Hey. I'm Aaron.
SA Studio assistant
Do you have any idea how late you are? You smell like a hobo.
M Meredith
But first, our interview and performance from British rocker Aldous Snow. We'll be back right after these messages. And we're in commercial. Thanks, guys.
Aaron
Meredith! Hello, this is Aldous Snow. It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. I was getting a little worried. I know you changed your flights quite a few times. I didn't think you'd make it.
Aldous
I apologize for our tardiness. The culprit is this gentleman. He's Aaron Green. That's why we're late, because of him. Aaron! Hey. Come meet Meredith. Hey, Meredith. Oh, my gosh. It's lovely to meet you.
Aaron
My mom loves your shit.
Aldous
There, see? He looks after me.
M Meredith
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. Ready, one, take. Aldous, tough question. You were famously sober for many years. Now you are famously not sober. Are you on something right now?
Aldous
Yeah. You are?
M Meredith
Yeah. Several things?
Aldous
I'm just mucking around, Meredith. I've never taken drugs.
M Meredith
I have. I love them. Aldous, I'm worried about you.
...
Aaron
Are you Paul Krugman?
Aaron
My dad loves your shit.
Aaron
Hey, you're doing great, man! You're doing great. So good.
Aldous
I don't know the lyrics to African Child.
Aaron
You're funny as shit, man.
Aldous
I need you to get the lyrics. I'm serious. I don't know the lyrics. I can't remember what the lyrics are.
Aaron
They're, like, the most simplest lyrics ever.
Aldous
Are they, mate? What are they?
Aaron
Yeah... Across the mystic desert Is a desert that is mystic.
Aldous
No! That's not the lyrics.
Aaron
I don't know.
SH Studio hand
Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds.
Aaron
I will figure this out.
Aldous
Don't worry. You started this.
M Meredith
I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. I understand that African Child was commercially disappointing.
Aaron
Who knows the lyrics to African Child? Who knows the lyrics to...
M Meredith
...artistically fulfilling. Yeah, but it was also critically disappointing.
Aaron
Yes. Hey, man. What's up? Do you know the lyrics to African Child?
BM Band member
I don't know the lyrics. I just pound the drum and do the Africa face.
Aaron
I need the lyrics to African Child! I need the lyrics to African Child! I guess I'm gonna. Okay, he's gonna sing.
M Meredith
It is a wonderful day here in New York City. We are seconds away from Aldous Snow performing live out in Rockefeller Plaza.
Aaron
I can't... Sorry, Meredith! Oh, boy.
M Meredith
And now, Aldous.
Aldous
Thank you. I'm Aldous Snow. And this is African Child. Oh, ****. Take three. Can you hit the delay? Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I want to... Do you remember The Clap? Play The Clap. One, two, three, four! We got the clap. You got the clap. We cooked the rocks. You took the smack. Ah, yeah. We love you! We got the itch. You got the scratch. Burns, burns, burns. Like the head of a match. You took the front, I took the back. Ah, yeah. We got the clap. We got it.
AG Audience girl
[Aldous holds mike to her]
I got the clap, ah!
SM Security man
[Aldous holds mike to him]
I got the clap, too!
Aaron
[Aldous holds mike to him]
I'm so shitfaced.
M Meredith
What's going on?! My gosh!
Aldous
We got the clap! You got the clap! Wiped my face on the welcome mat! We got the clap! Can't be beat! Got it off the back of a toilet seat! Shake your hips! Mind your feet! We got the clap! We got it!
M Meredith
Oh, no. Tell the West Coast, they gotta trim the balls. Ready, one, take.
Aldous
We got the clap, can't be beat! We got the clap! We're gonna be performing at the Greek Theatre in two days! See you there!
Aaron
Aldous! Aldous! Pandemonium! Oh, man! That was awesome! So cool! I enjoyed that!
Aldous
I couldn't have done it without you, do you know what I mean?
Aaron
The Clap! Great idea! You rocked that shit! It was amazing! It was crazy, man! That is so **** crazy! Oh, man!
Aldous
Central Park is beautiful.
Aaron
Are you sure you should do that, man?! We're on our way to the airport!
Aldous
Let's go jogging! Come on, join in with me.
Aaron
No, I don't... this... you know...
Aldous
Please! For us, our friendship!
Aldous
Thank you. Thank you for that. I'll use it. I would grind that. I would ride the shit out of her. [Aaron's phone rings] Don't take it. Who is it? Sergio?
Aaron
Shit, it's Daphne.
Aldous
Worse.
Aaron
Hey, Daph.
Daphne
Hey, sweetie.
Aaron
What's up?
Daphne
Listen, I'm just calling 'cause I wanted to apologize. I just slept for, like, 20 straight hours and I'm feeling really bad, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened. I was out of my mind.
Aaron
Okay. Really?
Daphne
Yeah. Thanks. So, I'd like to make it up to you when you get back from your trip.
Aaron
Wait, what's up?
Daphne
I would like to make it up to you.
Aaron
Fun Daphne got us tickets to Radiohead. Wait, what's up?
Daphne
Can you hear me?
Aaron
I thought we broke up. You broke up with me, right?
Daphne
Aaron, we live together. We have a home together. How could you think we were broken up?
Aaron
Because that's what you said.
Daphne
You really think that we're broken up right now? What have you been doing?
Aaron
You know, you're so holier-than-thou about being a doctor. You know, just 'cause you're a doctor doesn't make you a good person. The Nazis have doctors, Daphne. They had Nazi doctors that fixed Nazi legs so they could walk around being angry, okay? So... What are you talking about?
Aldous
Aaron! Is it your girlfriend? Let me have a go. Aaron is very busy now. Press seven for fellatio. Here you go. Don't hang about.
Aaron
Hey, that was Aldous.
Aldous
You know, here's some medical advice from your Nazi doctor. Herpes is incurable. I labored under the myth of monogamy for seven years with Jackie and it was pointless.
Aaron
So you only slept with Jackie?
Aldous
No, I slept with other people but I always told her about it. Monogamy. I realize now my dad was just a realist. I used to be angry... All right, love. I used to be angry 'cause he abandoned me, but really, he was just being a realist. You can't remain in that situation.
Aaron
Your dad lives in, in Vegas, right?
Aldous
Mmm-hmm. That's right, yeah. He lives there, yeah.
Aaron
You should invite him... Your dad should... Nice. You should invite him to the show. You want me to get on that?
Aldous
I don't know if we really have that type of relationship, you know, me and my dad. He always wants something from me. It's a bad idea.
Aaron
Well, I'm sure he'd love to come see you perform.
Aldous
Let's put it this way. If I had a concert, my dad would come. He would come, like, five hours early and ask all the roadies what town they were from, and if he knew anybody from their town.
Aaron
He'd be proud.
Aldous
He's good. He's a good man.
Aaron
Yeah. Yeah. I hate to be a downer, but it's getting really late. We have a flight early in the morning. Do you mind if...
Aldous
Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, Aaron! Have you ever drunk w:absinthe|absinthe]], like from the 1900s?
Aaron
No.
Aldous
Picasso drank it. [To bartender] Oi! "Absinf-fuh"!
Aaron
All right, well, we'll take one shot and then we'll go back to the hotel?
Aldous
Just a little sip of naughty water, and we go back to the hotel. Simple.
Sergio head hallucination
[Aaron and Aldous then embark on city-wide mayhem spree of outright over-the-top insanity]
Aaron! You lost control, mother****er. Stampin' on an African child!
BB Bespectacled bald man in BDSM gear
Do you like it when I whip you, Aldous?
Aaron
Why is Moby whipping us?
Sergio head hallucination
Whee! Whee! Look, I'm eating my own head. I accept your apology.
...
Daphne
[Aaron pocket dials Daphne asleep]
I accept your apology. Hello?
Aaron
He's the best. Hello? It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. That is so amazing for you! Hello? Why are your boobs different sizes? 'Cause the left... I don't care either, Daphne. You live in Seattle, I'll **** live in New York.
Aldous
[Aldous is watching a home video of him and Jackie]
Look how beautiful you are. Do you see how beautiful you are, Jackie? I like being so close. You're so beautiful. Jackie Q, Jackie Q, I love you Jackie Q. **** hell. Jackie Q, Jackie Q at the barbeque.
Jackie
You silly bastard.
Aldous
I love you. Why don't we make a sex tape?
Jackie
'Cause I don't want to make a sex tape.
Aldous
Yes. **** hell. Come on, it'll be fun!
Jackie
Please, Aldous, come on. I will not call you.
Aldous
Let me marry you.
Jackie
Please, Aldous.
...
Aldous
[He calls her asleep in bed]
Jackie?
Jackie
Is that you, Aldous?
Aldous
No, Aldous Snow has got better things to do first thing in the morning than call up an ex-girlfriend.
Jackie
What are you doing? Where are you?
Aldous
Just in our old flat, actually. In New York. You with anybody?
Jackie
Some affable nitwit.
Aldous
Where are you now, Jackie?
Jackie
Los Angeles.
Aldous
What are you doing?
Jackie
Sleeping next to Lars Ulrich.
Aldous
Lars Ulrich? From Metallica?
Jackie
Yeah. Why.
Aldous
What's Lars packing in the drumstick region?
Jackie
I can't tell you that right now. He's sleeping right next to me. What are you so interested in Lars for, Aldous? You jealous? I miss you, Aldy.
Aldous
I miss you. I miss you.
Jackie
I miss you.
Aldous
Listen, why don't you be a good girl and put the phone down next to your vagina, 'cause I need to talk to her. Hello? Is that Jackie's vagina?
Jackie
Hello, Aldous.
Aldous
All right. How are you? I've missed you.
Jackie
I'm very well, thank you. I've just come back from Brazil.
Aldous
What's the weather like?
Jackie
It's quite wet down there, actually.
Aldous
**** off.
Jackie
I really miss your ****, Aldous.
Aldous
I'm gonna come and see you, Jackie.
Jackie
I don't think you should, but I do, I really miss you, Aldous.
Aldous
I'm stuck here with a hard-on. I don't know what to do with it.
L Lars
Hey, babe. Who's on the horn?
Jackie
It's Mum. She's just calling up from London.
L Lars
Let me take care of this. Oi, Aldous. It's Lars.
Aldous
"I'm ashamed that you're with a drummer, Jackie. "I'd always dreamed that you would marry a front man. With charisma. Razzmatazz. Rough around the edges, but with stars in his eyes, you know."
L Lars
Jackie, your mom kind of sounds like a Monty Python skit.
Jackie
Give me the phone back.
L Lars
Okay. Okay, okay, sorry.
Jackie
Darling, I've gotta go, all right?
Aldous
I'll see you later. I'm coming to see you. Don't say anything else, all right? I gotta go. Bye.
...
Aldous
[To Aaron]
Get up. I can't be here anymore now.
Aaron
Huh?
...
Aaron
[In limo]
I can't believe we're actually on time for a flight.
Aldous
[To chauffeur]
Hey, can you pull over, mate?
Aaron
Actually, we, we have a flight to catch.
Aldous
Yeah, no, just pull over here off Linden. I want to get a pretzel. [Aldous mingles with shady-looking men who hand him a rubber-wrapped ball]
Aaron
Dude really wants a pretzel. He's not getting a pretzel is he?
LC Limo chauffeur
Not the kind you put mustard on. [Aldous comes back and gets in limo]
Aldous
Go, please.
TA TSA agent
[Aaron and Aldous are waiting in line at the airport]
Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.
Aldous
[Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand]
I need you to put this into your bottom hole.
Aaron
What?
Aldous
Put this into your rectum.
Aaron
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the ****, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!
Aldous
It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.
Aaron
I won't do it. I won't do it. No.
Aldous
Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.
TA TSA agent
Please keep the line moving, sir.
Aaron
[Holds up phone]
My phone is ringing.
Aldous
Your phone is not ringing.
Aaron
It's Sergio.
Aldous
It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!
Sergio
[Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room]
Hey! The couch is not for jumping! [To Aaron] Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 **** minutes.
Aaron
Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.
Sergio
What kind of health issue? His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head, are they? [To wife] No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is Babybels and chocolate pudding!
Sergio's wife: Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.
Sergio
I don't see no Go-Gurts! You need to put these shits where I can see them.
Aaron
He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.
Sergio
Then you put the drugs up your ass.
Aaron
Please don't make me do that.
Sergio
This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.
Aaron
Isn't that enabling him?
Sergio
Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. [Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room] It's Biggest Loser time, it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.
Aaron
Just give it.
Aldous
Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!
Aaron
[Aaron and Aldous are seated in the gate departure lounge having miraculously eluded security interception]
Why did you do this to me?
Aldous
Out of love.
Aaron
Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?
Aldous
Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?
Aaron
I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.
Aldous
Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.
Aaron
IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.
Aldous
You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
Aaron
Oh, no. I have to sneeze.
Aldous
What?
Aaron
I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.
Aldous
If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.
Aaron
I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous
Listen to me.
Aaron
Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous
Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.
Aaron
I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous
Is it still in?
Aaron
I think I broke a rib.
...
Aaron
Hello, to you.
Aldous
I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.
CI Check-in agent
Let's see.
Aldous
Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?
CI Check-in agent
Not yet.
Aldous
Well, stick us on that then, please.
CI Check-in agent
Two first-class tickets?
Aaron
No.
Aldous
Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.
CI Check-in agent
All right.
Aaron
No.
Aldous
I want to visit my dad.
Aaron
It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.
Aldous
You didn't specify. He didn't specify.
Aaron
Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.
Aldous
What favor?
Aaron
You know. The favor that I did earlier.
Aldous
My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.
Aaron
Nope.
Aldous
His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.
Aaron
No, no, no.
Aldous
I'm a terrible drug addict. Mule!
Aaron
No.
Aldous
He's a mule!
Aaron
No.
Aldous
You're the devil.
CI Check-in agent
Perfect.
...
Aldous
[Aaron and Aldous are airborne in the plane]
All right, I want my package now.
Aaron
I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.
Aldous
Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?
Aaron
You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.
Aldous
Okay.
...
Aldous
[Aldous is chasing Aaron around in an overly opulent hotel room]
Are you ticklish?
Aaron
Okay, stop. Okay, stop.
Aldous
Give me the package.
Aaron
Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.
Aldous
I'll smoke you out.
Aaron
[Aldous has restrained Aaron silhouetted behind a curtain veil and his arms deep in Aaron's pants]
Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!
Aldous
Open up.
Aaron
No!
Aldous
Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?
Aaron
No.
Aldous
In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? [Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor] Get the ****... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.
Aaron
We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?
Aldous
It's not a **** game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll **** destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!
Aaron
Just calm... Just calm down.
Aldous
It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, **** me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, 'cause I'll be **** you up.
Aaron
I'll figure it out.
Aldous
Yeah, you will. Yeah.
...
B Brian
[Aaron walks up to casino concierge Brian at receptionist desk]
Hi. Can I help you?
Aaron
Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.
B Brian
Okay. What's the last name?
Aaron
It's spelled H...
Aaron
...E- R-O-l-N.
Aaron
Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?
B Brian
Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the **** hotel, 'cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a **** guest? Are you out of your mind?
Aaron
I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?
B Brian
Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.
...
Aaron
[Aaron is riding in Brian's heavily modded vehicle with pounding techno music]
I feel like I'm in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
...
R Roommate
[Holds up knife]
Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the **** stomach, all right?
B Brian
Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?
Aaron
What... I'm not, like, involved in this.
...
B Brian
[Aaron is driving the vehicle with Brian holding his bloodied chest]
Oh, my God!
Aaron
Where is the hospital?!
B Brian
You take a right on North Casino Way!
Aaron
Every street's called Casino Way!
...
B Brian
[Aaron dumps Brian generally near the E.R. door and then runs away]
God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?
...
Jackie
[Aldous is watching a music video by Jackie Q in a music video]
One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around my dirty posie. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.
Aaron
[Aaron enters]
Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.
Aldous
Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.
Aaron
Thanks again for the suggestion.
Aldous
Great.
Jackie
[Jackie Q in the music video]
By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!
Aaron
[Aaron is at a lunch with Aldous and his bandmates at an upscale hotel]
Hey, so, Aldous, for the Today Show, they want to know what song you want to play.
Aldous
Say it was up to you, Aaron, what would you have me do?
Aaron
That's your call. You're the artist, you know, whatever you feel like playing. I'd be really interested, 'cause you're, like, a legitimate enthusiast. I'd like to know what you'd be into doing. If I had to choose, all-time favorite would be The Clap. That's a classic. You know, that's... That's, like, my childhood right there, you know.
Aldous
Okay. Well, I suppose the obvious choice is African Child, right?
Aaron
Yeah. Great tune. Yeah, I love African Child. The song's awesome. I brush my teeth to it, you know? I think maybe we should run to the airport right now, 'cause we're getting close.
Aldous
Change it to the next one. Should we get out of this bourgeois shithole?
...
B Bandmate
[Aaron is drinking with Aldous and his bandmates at an outdoor patio]
I disagree with what you're saying!
Aldous
Bollocks! I disagree highly!
Aaron
Oh, no.
...
Aldous
[Aaron is out in the streets with Aldous and paparazzi swarming]
Hey, move into... Make Aaron famous. Aldous, here!
Aaron
Hey, look, the car service is here, with all the bags.
Aldous
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change it to the next one.
Aaron
So we're going on the next one?
Aldous
This is why we delay flights. For this! [They walk into nightclub]
Aaron
[Walks up to Tom Felton of Harry Potter fame]
What's up, man? Hey. I’m at a table in the back with Aldous Snow.
TF Tom Felton
[Unimpressed]
Great.
Aaron
Feel free to bring Professor Snape. [pause] We’ll play some late night Quidditch.
TF Tom Felton
Just...leave it. [He walks away]
Aaron
Right? Not everyone cares. [Spots Aldous making out with a woman] Excuse me. Aldous. Hey. [Uses hands to separate woman's face from Aldous' face] Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
Aldous
What? What are you doing?
Aaron
I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Aldous
What's this?
Aaron
Listen, hey, listen. It's just getting super close to that 12:00 a.m. Flight.
Aldous
Aaron. I don't... See them two girls? Just there? I want to **** them two girls. Do you?
Aaron
Yeah, they seem awesome. They seem, like, cool. Sure. Why not? I don't want to think about that right now, man. That's cool. I just want to leave here, please.
Aldous
You're in a long-term relationship, right?
Aaron
No, just ended, actually. See, my...
Aldous
Brilliant! So, doesn't it make sense that we would stay here and have possibly the time of your life?
Aaron
****!
Aldous
Okay. What'd you prefer, blonde or brunette? Blonde or brunette?
Aaron
I don't know.
Aldous
What was your ex?
Aaron
Brunette.
Aldous
Blonde it is.
Aaron
Here we go!
Aldous
Thank you. Cheers. Do you want to go to the loo for a minute?
Aaron
Why?
Aaron
[A hooker is hyper-vigorously riding Aaron in a washroom stall while repeatedly yanking the flush chain]
Oh, yes! Oh, God. My butt's getting wet! My butt's getting wet! I'm falling in the toilet! I'm falling in the toilet! That was great. Awesome.
Aldous
Chase me! [They run down hallway] It's better than Christmas! [Aldous jiggles hooker's breasts in a taxi-cab]
Jackie
No, shut up.
Aldous
Go on, Aaron, give her both barrels!
Aaron
All right. Can you give me the key, please?
Aldous
I love you. We've seen not much of that today. Toss it! And there it goes. The hoop goes wide. Oh, no.
Aaron
We're fine. We got 35 minutes to catch an international flight.
Aldous
I wouldn't worry about it. Your mouth is smiling, but your eyes look all sad. Why?
Aaron
Do you mind driving faster, please?
LD Limo Driver in London
Would you like me to take the Chiswick roundabout through Hounslow and Staines?
Aaron
What is this, **** Middle Earth? Just take us to the airport, okay?
Aldous
Come on!
Aaron
All right, sir.
Aldous
Run! Run! Run! Run! Just, try and keep up.
PA PA announcer
Final boarding call... Just keep up.
Aldous
Aaron. Aaron. Aaron, you're sleeping. Stop sleep. Aaron, you're asleep. You're asleep. You're asleep, Aaron. Here's your drink.
Aaron
My leg.
Aldous
Don't sleep so often. Cheers, mate.
Aaron
Thank you for waking me up.
Aldous
Why do you think people keep saying my music's shit?
Aaron
I don't think that's the case. Is it? Is that the case?
Aldous
Yeah, a lot of negativity. Lot of sniping and snidey remarks. People are, " Yeah, he's shit, he's a has-been, he's over, "he's in his greatest hits era." Don't listen to that shit.
Aaron
I love all your albums.
Aldous
Do you love the album African Child?
Aaron
Yeah, of course. I love African Child. It's awesome.
Aldous
Aaron. NME said that African Child was the most detrimental thing to happen to black culture since the Rodney King beatings.
Aaron
Are you serious? Yeah.
Aldous
I read in Rolling Stone that African Child came third behind famine and war as the thing that had been most damaging to African life.
Aaron
I find that hard to believe, but they say any press is good press, right? I mean...
Aldous
Come on, mate. You know, open up.
Aaron
It seems as if on your last album you kind of went in the studio and just did whatever the producer asked you to do.
Aldous
Right. Yeah, no, that's exactly... This is good.
Aaron
Aldous Snow needs to be two guitars, a bass and a drum kit and his incredible voice.
Aldous
Vocals, yes! Yes. And that's it. And that's what we want to hear. That's what I love.
Aaron
That's what all your fans love. It's just every artist has this one album that's just not good, and that's it. Honestly, I listen to that and I'm just like, "What is this piece of shit I'm listening to? Do I even know this artist? "What the **** was he thinking?"
Aldous
Don't **** talk to me like that, you little prick.
Aaron
I'm so sorry.
Aldous
In future, if someone asks you to give them a critique of their work, don't rip out their **** gizzards and hold it in front of their face. What are you? What do you know?
Aaron
I'm sorry. Look, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Aldous
Yeah, what you did was very spiteful. But it was also very brave and very honest, and I respect you for doing that, but the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, peppered with hate. Hateful respect.
Aaron
I'm sorry.
Aldous
It's over.
IF In-flight movie doctor played by Sarah Marshall
Scalpel! Now! But, Doctor!
Aldous
Hey, I think I used to have sex with her. Yeah, yeah. No, I did, I did.
SL Song lyrics
Love is blind Love is blind, love is blind
TA TV announcer
[Aaron is watching television]
Coming up later... The 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow's seminal concert at the Greek. Live in Los Angeles. But now, Bill Maher, Red, White and Spew. [Aaron reads phone text message from Sergio in his voice] "Where the **** are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face."
Aaron
**** him. [Puts down phone]
TA TV announcer
[Aaron is at kitchen table reading newspaper with page promoting Greek concert]
Broadcasting live from the Greek, your Uncle Joe. The crowd is amped! Aldous Snow, the most self-destructive man in rock and roll, not yet in the building. Well, there'll be a lot of Infant Sorrow...
Aldous
[From answering machine]
Aaron? It's me. I really need to apologize and to tell you that I'm gonna jump off the roof of the Standard Hotel now.
Aaron
**** him.
Aldous
If you're not busy...
Aaron
Shit! [He is driving erratically at high speed] Shit, shit, shit, shit.
...
Aldous
Hello, Los Angeles! Should I jump into the pool? Or how about into the street?
Aaron
Hey, Aldous, it's Aaron! Get down! I'm here! I'm here, get down from there! Hey, Aldous, I'm here! Hey! Hey, Aldous, don't jump!
Aldous
Hi, Aaron!
Aaron
Just come down and we'll talk about it! You made it! No, stop!
P Partygoer
He's gonna jump!
Aaron
Don't do it! No, stop! No, no, no! No, no, no! [Aldous jumps into pool hitting shoulder on pool edge] Aldous! Aldous!
Aldous
My arm. Aaron.
Aaron
Are you okay, man? You...
Aldous
Aaron, it was wrong of me to have sex with you and your girlfriend, Daphne. That wasn't fair.
Aaron
No, no, that's okay.
Aldous
We don't have to talk about it. I done it for me. I done it for my selfish reasons.
Aaron
I know, but fine. Whatever. Just... I don't wanna... Are you okay?
Aldous
I'm lonely, mate. I'm really lonely. And I'm sad. And I ain't got no one, except my mum. And she's an idiot. And now I'm crying in front of you, and you thought I was cool, didn't you, for a while, and now I'm crying. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed.
Aaron
You try so hard, man.
Aldous
But you're fine.
Aaron
You're Aldous Snow, man. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. And that's **** awesome. There's thousands of people in a room right now just standing, waiting to see your face. And they like you. I liked you before I met you.
Aldous
Don't you like me no more?
Aaron
Aldous, I came here. I'm here.
Aldous
Right. I want to do the gig. I'm gonna... I'll do the gig. I'm gonna do it.
Aldous
No, I didn't mean that. I don't think that we... Let's go.
Aaron
We shouldn't go.
Aldous
No, we should do it. Let's go. Let's do it. I don't want to let people down who love me.
Aaron
Not tonight.
Aldous
Let's go. Let's do it.
Aaron
I'm pretty sure if you don't go to a hospital, you're going to die.
Aldous
I want to go to the Greek Theatre and I want to save your job, and I want to perform for my fans and do something that ain't selfish, 'cause this is not working for me as a lifestyle choice.
Aaron
You sure you're okay? 'Cause it looks like Jaws just bit your ass off.
Aldous
Yeah. Little bit of blood makes a really big cloud.
...
Aaron
[Aaron is speeding while driving]
This is a bad idea. We should not be doing this.
Aldous
Yes, we should. This is a good idea. Although, my arm is hurting a little bit. I sustained an injury.
Aaron
[Holds up arm with bone sticking out of gaping wound]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's bone. I'm taking you to the hospital, Aldous. I'm taking you to the hospital, all right, man?
Aldous
Not tonight. This is rock and roll. Touch it.
Aaron
That is so ****... [ He projectile vomits onto windshield]
Aldous
Don't overreact.
Aaron
I **** threw up.
Aldous
I told you don't freak out.
Aaron
Get that **** arm out of my face! I **** threw up!
...
Sergio
[Aaron and Aldous arrive at Greek Theatre and Sergio greets them]
Yes, yes, yes! I knew you would make it. I love you!
Aldous
Sergio. [Holds up wounded arm]
Sergio
Shit!
K Kali
No! We should take him to the hospital.
Sergio
No. Come on, let's get him into wardrobe. Don't worry about it. Let's get him out to the audience there. The audience is getting restless, but you're here. You are here.
Aaron
Hey, look, we should talk.
Sergio
What's up?
Aaron
He's like, really, really hurt.
Sergio
What are you talking about? He's here. He's all right. It's just a little scratch. There's a teeny-weeny bone sticking out!
Aaron
He can't go on.
Sergio
What the ****? Hold on. We have something for that. Give him two of these. He'll be singing like Aretha Franklin.
Aaron
I can't do this anymore.
Sergio
What the **** you talking about, you can't do it anymore? You, you got him here! You've done it!
Aaron
He doesn't need to be pushed on the stage right now. I...
Sergio
Sometimes we gotta sacrifice one lamb, baby. It's gonna be all right. He's not gonna die!
Aaron
You keep feeding him drugs and lies. He's a sad guy. He needs help.
Sergio
He's gonna live a long time. Trust me. British mother****ers don't die. You ever heard of a ****... A British rock and roll star dying? No, none of them die. Mick Jagger. Keith Richards. Those Led Zeppelin... Them mother****ers old as ****! **** Ozzy Osbourne's gonna outlive Miley Cyrus!
Aaron
I quit.
Sergio
Hey, come on! Why do you even have me feeling like this? This is supposed to be fun!
Aaron
I **** quit.
Sergio
Aaron, get back here!
...
Aaron
Aldous! You don't have to go out there. You don't have to do this anymore!
Aldous
I don't know what all the fuss was about. I love doing this!
Aaron
You don't have to do this.
Aldous
I do, Aaron. They're all here to see me. I feel nervous. It's good to feel something. I love this! It's all I've got. And you. I owe you one, mate. See you on the other side. [Singing] Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down Down, down, down Like the needle in my vein You're bringing me down, down, down Down, down, down Like a dog who's gone insane You're putting me down, down, down, down, down, down. And those of you who doubted me You're going down, down, down Down, down, down. And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on? I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up. And this world ain't gonna catch me going down. Another night, you're on my mind I'm hypnotized but I cannot find the signs. The signs for the Tube to come home. I need the Tube to get home. Another night I'm here alone. My eyes so tired from staring at this phone. Why won't you call and come home? Please, call and come home. And I know that you won't come. Just for the cash. But will you come for my bangers. My beans and mash? Another night in Soho Grand. My wrists so tired. From working with my hands. Why has the world gone so still? The world is so still I feel that my next meal might be my last. Will you come for my bangers My beans and mash? Come for my bangers My beans and mash.
Daphne
[Aaron climbs into bed with Daphne]
Aaron?
Aaron
Listen... Don't say anything.
...
Daphne
Oh, my God. We slept for, like, 14 hours.
Aaron
Wow. I feel so much better now.
Daphne
Me, too.
Aaron
Do you want to get some brunch? We should probably burn these sheets, huh?
Daphne
Yeah. I can get some bleach from the hospital.
Aaron
Maybe just torch the whole apartment. You got it?
Daphne
Yeah.
D Duffy
[Aaron knocks on door of Aldous's flat and Duffy the assistant greets him]
Hey! Aaron Green, yeah? From Pinnacle.
Aaron
Hey, man! Hey! Yes.
Aaron
Oh, two. Right. [Kisses Duffy on both cheeks] Europe.
D Duffy
Europe. Yeah. So, the Greek concert. In about three days?
Aaron
Three days.
D Duffy
Yeah, Aldous is really excited. We all are. This is fantastic.
Aaron
I'm so ready!
Aaron
Cheerio!
Aaron
I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
D Duffy
Okay, come in, come in. Cool. He's gonna be a moment. Just go and wait for him outside on the terrace.
Aaron
I shouldn't have done that. [Admiring view of London skyline from patio] This is awesome.
Aldous
Hey! I'm Aldous Snow, the rock star.
Aaron
Oh, man! I mean, your place is great! This is gonna be so much fun. We're gonna travel together...
Aldous
Who are you, mate?
Aaron
I'm sorry. I'm Aaron Green.
Aldous
What are you doing in me house?
Aaron
I'm from Pinnacle. I'm here to take you to the 10-year anniversary show at the Greek.
Aldous
That's not for another two months. Mum?
Aldous
This joker's here to change the date of the Greek concert.
L Lena
Why would they do that? Why would they do that?
Aldous
Duffy!
Aldous
Remember that concert in Los Angeles?
Aldous
It's supposed to be in two months, isn't it?
D Duffy
Yeah, two months.
Aldous
Two months, right, exactly. They've changed it.
Aaron
We had spoken about it.
Aldous
I've never seen you before in my life. I don't like change. I don't like it when things change. It's unsettling, isn't it?
L Lena
Would you like a biscuit?
D Duffy
Or a lolly? Codeine?
Aldous
Mum, Duffy, just objectively, is this fair?
LA Lena and Duffy
No. No.
Aldous
It's not, is it? I'm not being unreasonable.
LA Lena and Duffy
No. No.
Aldous
He is. Yeah.
Aaron
Sorry I changed the date.
Aldous
Finally! Finally, he admits it. That's my bad. That's better. That's better that you've apologized, 'cause now we can start to rebuild. Duffy? Yeah? Get us a couple of lagers, mate.
Aaron
It really is so nice to meet you. I'm a lifelong fan. This lager hits the spot.
Aaron
We should probably get going if we're gonna catch that 6:00 p.m. Flight to JFK.
L Lena
Aldy, by the way, whatever happened to Jackie? She was such a darling girl. She was so polite. I always liked her.
Aldous
Did you? I really liked Dad. Where is he?
L Lena
**** off, Aldous. Your dad's a piece of shit moocher.
Aldous
You see how she talks about me dad? Imagine that.
L Lena
Anyways, we really should get...
Aldous
He had a heart attack last month, my dad. Look how she mugs him off. Disgusting.
L Lena
Well, if you like the bastard so much, why don't you go and visit him when you're in America?
Aldous
Perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll pop over and bond with him. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
L Lena
Yeah, I'd love that.
Aldous
Cut you out of the equation, you old bag.
Aaron
We really... We should get going if we're gonna catch the flight.
Aldous
I'm only joking. I love you, Mummy. I'm your special little soldier, ain't I?
L Lena
Yes, you are. You're my special little boy.
Aldous
[In a pub drinking]
To Bushmills!
Aaron
Wow.
Aldous
Cheers.
Aldous
[Aldous and Aaron walk into see a performance of a Rat Pack cover band]
When Frank Sinatra moves his arm, you can see my dad. There. There! [Jonathan is playing a guitar as monotonously as ever]
...
J Jonathan
[Aldous and Aaron having dinner with Jonathan and his wife]
What about... What was that **** album you brought out last? It was... What was it? African something or Zambezi, or what was it?
Aldous
African Child.
J Jonathan
Child. Child. Yeah, yeah, African Child. You should have stayed away from that one, I think. I think you should've aborted that child, eh? You got that? You know, mate?
J Jonathan
She loved it, yeah. Yeah. She really did. No, she told me that she loved it.
W Wife
Yeah? I loved it. So enlightening.
J Jonathan
[Waitress has arrived with a tray of drinks]
We didn't order these.
W Waitress
These drinks are on the house.
J Jonathan
Oh, really? Great. Thank you very much. Funny, isn't it? You get rich and then everything comes free.
Aldous
Yeah.
J Jonathan
So what brings you to Vegas?
Aaron
Aldous wanted to visit you.
Aldous
No. No, we were just passing through. We were near.
Aldous
Actually, I've got a show at the Greek Theatre in LA.
J Jonathan
Terrific! Terrific! Great!
Aaron
It's tomorrow, actually.
J Jonathan
Really? Terrific!
W Wife
We should go see that.
J Jonathan
Well, I'm not sure I... No, I think I'm busy tomorrow night. I'm busy tomorrow.
Aldous
Don't worry about it. It's not set in stone or...
Aaron
It's actually very set in stone.
J Jonathan
No, some of us have to work for a living, right? You know.
Aldous
Yeah, 'cause I remember I became a rock star as a result of winning a quiz show.
Aldous
What?
J Jonathan
All right, all right. I'll check the schedule.
...
Aldous
[Aldous, Aaron and Jonathan are in a strip club]
Dad! I like it here.
J Jonathan
Cheers, son. Yeah, I like to come here and clear my head. You remember that first strip club I brought you to?
Aldous
I do. Fondly. Very fondly.
J Jonathan
So listen, what are you going to open with at the Greek?
Aldous
Love Explodes.
J Jonathan
Really? I think you should open with Going Up. I love that **** song. It's **** genius. You know, it's a great thing to open with.
Aldous
I mean, getting them up, getting them, ****, right there in the **** palm of your hand right away. Going Up.
Sergio
[On the phone with Aaron while driving]
You missed sound check, bitch! You know how much that's gonna cost us?
Aaron
I apologize. Look, things got out of control.
Sergio
But, hey, we're at The Standard now, so it's all fine, because we're all settled in and we're here. Guess what. I'm downstairs in the lobby. Why don't you come on down?
Aaron
You know what? Actually, Aldous just went to sleep. So I just think it'd be better if he just, like, got some rest. [Sergio appears behind him looking very annoyed] April Fools.
Sergio
I don't want to hear that shit. You **** up.
Aaron
He doesn't do anything you want him to do! He's a crazy person!
Sergio
Okay, shut the **** up and listen. There's a change of plans. I hope you got a good night's sleep. We going to party these pussy limey mother****ers into the ground. They gonna be dying to leave Vegas. But we gonna have to mind **** them. A deep mind ****.
Aldous
[Calls across the strip club]
Sergio!
Sergio
Aldous, hey! Have a drink with us!
Aldous
Whoo! Vegas!
Sergio
What's up, baby?
AA Aldous and Jonathan
Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Join in!
Sergio
[To Aaron]
Let's get our mind **** on.
...
Sergio
[Sergio is in a lounge area with Aldous and Jonathan]
Now, the Rat Pack was the shit! Yes, those guys right there could croon! Whenever I would hear Frank or Dean or Sammy sing, shit would just warm my heart! You know, it just makes me **** tingle!
J Jonathan
It's nice, isn't it?
Aldous
Yeah, I feel that. I feel that, Sergio. Sometimes I think that I was Frank Sinatra in a past life, even though I was born before he died.
Sergio
No, I'm Frank Sinatra.
J Jonathan
What? No. You? No. No. No, no, no. Sorry, mate. You can't be Frank! Can't be Frank. No.
Aldous
Yeah. I'm Frank.
Sergio
What you trying to say? I gotta be Sammy?
Aldous
Yeah.
Sergio
Why I gotta be Sammy? 'Cause I'm black, I gotta be Sammy Davis?
J Jonathan
Well, you know... I look more like Frank than I do look like Sammy!
Aaron
Hey, so it looks like you got everything under control, so I might call it an evening.
Sergio
Sit your ass... Has he been acting like a bitch this whole time?
Aldous
Yes, he has. Yeah, he's been a right little bitch.
Sergio
What are you doing? You are representing Pinnacle. [Grabs an attractive stripper] Excuse me. Come here for a second. What's your name?
Sergio
Destiny, this is Aaron. He's my personal attendant. He runs shit for me.
D Destiny
Nice to meet you. Aaron. [She shakes his hand]
Sergio
Destiny. Destiny, pay attention. You are gonna go and have sex with Aaron. Right now.
Aaron
That's disrespectful.
Sergio
Aaron, go with your destiny.
D Destiny
[Laughing]
That's my name, Destiny. And you're using it two ways.
...
D Destiny
I'm actually in a band. My life is music. I'm in an all-girl cover band and we do the Pussycat Girl's songs. And we're called the Pussy Kittens. Can you hook me up with Aldous?
Aaron
Sure.
Aaron
[Destiny is on top of Aaron lying on a bed and she lifts up skirt]
Okay, what are you doing? What? Don't do that.
D Destiny
I feel like I want to show you something.
Aaron
I feel like I don't want to see it, though. All right! Hey! So that's your vagina. Right on.
D Destiny
No, but look at it! Look at the hair. Look at the pubic hair! It's... Yeah, it's a microphone. For my work. Hello. Testing, one, two, three! Is this thing on? Hello?
Aaron
Hey, so put that away, all right?
D Destiny
Do you want to sing hair-aoke?
Aaron
I'm okay. I'm all right. Oh, my God.
D Destiny
I think you're really sexy because you look like Dennis Quaid.
Aaron
What? Really? Randy Quaid, maybe.
Aaron
No!
D Destiny
Off with the pants. Honestly... Pants-off party!
Aaron
You're acting crazy! Stop. No!
Aaron
All right. Fun and games are over. Let's relax for a second. Let's just, let's just... [Destiny produces a dildo from her purse] You carry that around with you?
Aaron
Stop! When's the last time you Purell-d that thing?
D Destiny
Kiss it. You like it.
Aaron
I want to go home!
D Destiny
This is going inside of you!
Aaron
No! Get off of me! What are you doing? Oh, my God! Why does this keep happening to me?
Aaron
No!
D Destiny
Take your medicine. Yes, yes.
Aaron
Why does it have balls?
...
J Jonathan
That was really nice. No, it's really nice, you know, playing together like that.
Aldous
Yeah.
J Jonathan
We should do it more often.
Aldous
We should, Dad.
J Jonathan
Yeah, you know, there's a ballroom space opening up at the Golden Nugget. I know the owner a bit, you know? I could hook you up with a permanent gig there. We could make loads of dough. Well, they're all doing it, you know. Cher. Celine Dion. Elton John.
Aldous
If you want money from me, Dad, just ask.
J Jonathan
I don't want your **** money, do I? I just want to help your **** career, don't I?
Aldous
My career don't need help. Really?
J Jonathan
Your last record, you know how many it sold? Don't need help? You sure **** do.
Aldous
So you know the precise sales figures for me last album. When was me birthday? Surprise me. Now, look, look... When was me birthday?
J Jonathan
Aldy, Aldy, Aldy! You never would have made it without me.
Aldous
I did make it without you. I made it in spite of you.
J Jonathan
You inherited all your musical talent from me! I wrote all your songs from the tip of my ****.
Aldous
Right. That's it. So, like, I've been plagiarizing from your ball bag.
J Jonathan
Where does the DNA come... Where does your talent come from?
Aldous
Here. Brilliant bit of biology, Dad. Yeah, I think that's what Darwin discovered on the Galapagos Isles. That music can be written in someone's spunk.
J Jonathan
I'm talking **** facts.
Aaron
I think I've just been raped.
Aldous
What's that?
Aldous
Raped? Here you go, mate. [Holds up a joint] That'll take the edge off. [Hands joint to Jonathan] Yeah, give him that. Make yourself useful.
J Jonathan
[Jonathan hands joint to Aaron]
Here you go.
Aaron
All right? What is this?
Aldous
It's called a Jeffrey, Aaron. Bit of this, bit of that.
J Jonathan
Here. Have a look. Have a look at this. [Shows a picture of Aldous as a youth] Aldous Snow wasn't always so pretty, was he, eh?
Aldous
What are you showing him that for, Dad? Why do you carry that photograph?
J Jonathan
Remember when we used to box? You used to get in the ring, wheezing around. Do you remember?
Aaron
Hey, what's in this? My heart's starting to beat really fast.
Aldous
It's weed mostly. Sergio gave it to me. It's got a bit of opium in it. Some heroin. Crunched-up E's. Clorox. Methadone. Subutex. Morphine. Peyote. Some other stuff that's unidentifiable, and I think a little bit of angel dust, actually, if I'm not mistaken. You know, bit of glue for...
J Jonathan
Yeah. You know...
Aldous
Keep it traditional. It's like a drug Neapolitan. Oh, my God, look at his little boat. What a lovely little boat race. [Holds up phone] Yeah, let me get a shot of that. Hold it, hold it. Cheese! [Takes Aaron's picture] I'll never tire of looking at that git.
Aaron
Why the **** is it called a Jeffrey?
Aldous
'Cause who could be scared of a Jeffrey?
J Jonathan
Yeah, Jeffrey's just this nice bloke from down the road, isn't he?
Aaron
What's wrong with you?
Aldous
"Hello, I'm Jeffrey! "
J Jonathan
"I've just moved in. Yes, I'm Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey."
Aldous
"My wife has got varicose veins!"
Aaron
I'm having a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack.
Aldous
You're not having a heart attack, Aaron.
J Jonathan
I think he might be having a heart attack.
Aldous
He's not. He's all right. Oh, no. Don't wind him up.
Aaron
I'm having a heart attack.
J Jonathan
He is. He's having a heart attack.
Aaron
I'm telling you. Listen to your dad! He's right!
Aldous
He's not having a heart attack.
J Jonathan
He looks like he's having a heart attack, doesn't he?
Aldous
Aaron, come with me, mate. Just get away from him. He's an idiot. It's all right. Just take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That's what you need to do. Come here. We're together, mate, all right? I shouldn't have given you the Jeffrey. That was a mistake. I'm so sorry. But relax now. It's over. Everything is beautiful. The world is beautiful. Everything is cool. Look around us, we're... Look at that, look. Look at these. [Spots an ant on a wall and picks it off to show Aaron] Look at this tiny, simple beauty of this tiny little ant. Isn't that lovely? See? We're at one with that. So lovely. It's nice, beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And lovely, and wonderful, and pure and... [Aldous deliberately inhales the ant and Aaron whimpers in fear] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. No. I'm on the Jeffrey, too. Now just breathe deeply. Okay. Okay. That won't last. No. That's the joy of the Jeffrey, you see. It goes away, but then it comes back! Don't worry. It doesn't do that. You're gonna be okay. Don't listen to him, don't listen to him. Here. Put your hand here. Just touch the furry wall. Stay with me. Be calm. Be calm. Just stroke the furry wall. You're with the furry wall. With the furry wall now. Dad! Stop bullying my mate!
J Jonathan
You sound just like your mum.
Aldous
Don't talk about my mum.
Sergio
Y'all need to take a hit of this Jeffrey! It'll calm you down!
J Jonathan
Sammy's right! Right, I've got a question. She still seeing that soft-dick postman, eh? Or has he left her as well?
Aldous
You're gonna die on your own, old man. You're gonna die and I'm gonna **** laugh when you die, you old ****. [Aldous turns and calls to Aaron] Aaron, stop stroking the furry wall! We're going... [Jonathan grabs an acoustic guitar and smashes it on Aldous' back and then bodyslams Aldous on a pool table] Get off!
Aaron
Hey, shouldn't somebody stop this?
Sergio
Feel how good this feels? I'm gonna cover the whole outside of my house in this material.
J Jonathan
[Aldous attempts to escape by crawling under a culvert and Jonathan grabs Aldous by the ankles]
Come back here. Get back here. Get...
Sergio
My house is gonna look like a **** werewolf.
Aaron
What the ****?
J Jonathan
Go on, run away!
Aldous
Stop chasing me!
Sergio
See, Aaron? The plan is working. This is what old pussy used to look like in the '70s. I miss that.
Aldous
You're a very bad parent! [Aldous punches Jonathan in the face]
J Jonathan
I'll show you bad, eh? [He draws a pistol]
Aldous
What are you doing?
Aaron
That's a gun! He's got a gun!
Sergio
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Aldous
Oh, no. Where did that come from? [To Aaron] Hey! Keep stroking the wall! Keep stroking the wall!
J Jonathan
That's Jeffrey's gun.
Sergio
No one endangers my artist! [Sergio deflects gun upwards and Jonathan discharges it]
Aaron
Somebody help me, please!
Aldous
I'm coming, Aaron!
D Destiny
This is so rock star.
Aaron
I'm having a heart attack! Somebody take me to the hospital! It's on North Casino Way! Calm down. I'm having a heart attack!
Aldous
You're having a heart attack, are you?
Aaron
I am!
Aldous
[Seduced by the furry wall]
Jesus! Why can't everything be this simple?
J Jonathan
[Throwing a wine bottle]
Sergio, fancy a drink, eh? [Sergio takes cover behind a mini fridge door and throws a bottle and Jonathan responds with throwing dishes]
Aldous
Sergio would have made you bring a medical kit.
Aaron
It's over there! It's over there!
J Jonathan
[He frisbees a metal casserole dish lid]
****er. [The lid hits Sergio in the head, knocking him out and Jonathan throws up both hands in celebration] Yeah! I'm okay. Right! [He glances at Sergio again who has strangely disappeared]
Aldous
[Aldous grabs Aaron with medical kit in mouth and manhandling him away and throws him to the floor]
Come here! [Gets on top of him]
Aaron
No! No. No.
Aldous
Now I'm gonna stab you in the heart with this adrenaline needle.
Aaron
What? What? [Aldous injects Aaaron] I'm alive!
Sergio
[Sergio grabs Jonathan by ankles and drags him down steps]
See if you like this. [Two Pinnacle Records employee appear] Where the hell you been?
B Bodyguard
We went to see Cher.
Sergio
Cher? How was it?
J Jonathan
[He lunges at Sergio]
This is all your fault! [Aaron lunges at Jonathan who turns around gets scratched in the face] He's **** Catwoman!
Aldous
[Grabs Aaron and manhandles him away]
You're so mean! That's enough!
J Jonathan
It's not easy being a parent. [Sergio grabs a lava lamp and smashes it on Jonathan's head] Shit!
Aldous
I'm sorry, pops, you okay? [Sergio throws Jonathan headfirst into a TV screen smashing it and Destiny cheers]
Sergio
[Sergio grabs a hot coal from a pit fire and immediately drops it onto the furry rug, starting a fire]
Now, this is what the music industry is all about.
Aaron
Sergio's gone crazy.
Sergio
I love this game!
Aldous
He's Jeffreyed. Let's go! Bye!
Sergio
No, I don't think so. [He then gives chase after Aaron and Aldous down a hallway]
Aaron
This adrenaline's crazy! I've never run so fast in my life!
Aldous
I don't have my luggage!
Aaron
**** your luggage! We'll get you new luggage!
Sergio
Where you going? Run all the way back to LA!
Aldous
Sergio is chasing us!
Aaron
This is the longest hallway of all time!
Aldous
It's Kubrickian!
Sergio
You cannot outrun me! I am black!
Aaron and Aldous
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Please, driver! Just drive it! Go! Now! Go! Go! Go! Go! Drive! Drive faster! Quickly! Go! Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh! [Sergio is chasing them along The Strip gets hit by car] Stop, stop! Stop!
Sergio
Why aren't you bitches going? Come on! [He watches Aaron and Aldous drive away] The plan worked! Now that's a mind****!
Aldous
[Aldous arrives at Jackie's residence, knocks on door and she answers]
Good morning, beautiful. Fancy an orgasm? 'Cause I knock them out, like, for free.
Jackie
I told you not to come here.
Aldous
It just happened.
Jackie
Get in here, Aldous.
Aldous
Don't be so violent.
...
Jackie
[Aldous is performing cunilingus on her on a couch with a blanket over his head]
I gotta stop now. We're done. All right. [Aldous takes off blanket]
Aldous
Hey. Steady! That's not fair. I haven't finished. I got a busy day!
Jackie
What, you want to have a wank and then just rub my tits or something?
Aldous
No, I don't want to.
Jackie
Please?
Aldous
I'm not 12.
Jackie
Please?
Aldous
I don't want to rub your tits and wank.
Jackie
I'll tell you a sexy story.
Aldous
Jackie! Darling. That's not fair. That's not equal. Reason within.
Jackie
What about a BJ? Just a quick one.
Aldous
Will you do my balls as well?
Jackie
Yeah, ****, all right.
Aldous
Will you put your fingers up my bottom?
Jackie
All right, yeah. Later. What are you even doing here, Aldous? Why are you in LA?
Aldous
I'm here because I've been thinking about you the last few days. I want to be with you, Jackie. I know that now.
Jackie
You on a Jeffrey?
Aldous
Yeah.
Aldous
I'm not partying anymore. I'm in a clean zone. I have been for a while.
Jackie
Well, that's perfect, because... I'm actually a different person. A very different person.
Aldous
I want to be clean with you. You're the love of my life.
Jackie
Aldous, I've been doing kabbalah. It's an ancient religion. It's brought to light all the mistakes that I've made. For all those mistakes, I am sorry.
Aldous
Don't be sorry. Let's get married. I love you.
Jackie
Yeah, and I was going to get married, but then you went to rehab for methamphetamine, I was taking a lot of E, and we had to reschedule.
Aldous
Come off, 'cause that's not important.
Jackie
Aldous! This has been the best four months of my life. I've realized you aren't capable of happiness. It's why your music's so shit. It's been years since I've seen you laugh or cry in a real way. You just numb yourself with drugs.
Aldous
I was clean for seven years...
Jackie
And you did yoga for five **** hours a day! That's mental. There's nothing in this world that you can't turn into heroin. The other day, Lars cried for three hours.
Aldous
Bit indulgent.
Jackie
It was beautiful! And cleansing! And more intimate than anything you and I have ever shared.
Aldous
We share a son. That is a bit more intimate than a crying drummer.
Jackie
Naples is not your son.
Aldous
Yes, he is. Yes, he... Jackie, why... Don't say things like that in an argument, 'cause, like, you can't come back from that. That's horrible.
Jackie
He's not. Do you remember that photographer, Fernando? Do you remember when Fernando and I went and spent that month together in Naples? I'm so sorry, Aldous. I was 19 at the time, and I was so in love with you, and I thought you would break it off with me, and then you turned out to be such a good father. And then he just kept looking more and more Italian. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad we finally got to have this conversation, darling. Namaste.
Aldous
This is not an appropriate time to say namaste.
...
Aldous
Yeah. Naples?
Naples
Yeah?
Aldous
One day you'll have to find a wife or a partner.
Naples
Yeah, I know that.
Aldous
Don't choose a woman like your mother.
Naples
What do you mean?
Aldous
I mean, your mother is a wonderful mother, but she is a terrible human being.
Naples
Are you sure of that?
Aldous
Well, yeah, because if she wasn't terrible, Naples, why would she have torn my heart up?
Naples
Why are you so moody today?
Aldous
I'm not moody. I'm just... I'm all right. Do you love me?
Naples
I do love you, Dad. I do love you, Aldous. Why do I have to call you Aldous? You are my dad. Aldous. Dad. Aldous. Dad.
Aldous
Right. I'll see you later. [They hug]
Naples
See you tomorrow, Dad.
Aldous
Good boy.
...
Naples
You gonna be okay, Aldous?
Aldous
Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. I'll forget that the last seven years has happened.
Aldous
Hello. Enter Sandman.
L Lars
Babe? We should really get back to Naples. He's waiting back there for us.
Aldous
So why don't you go and sue Napster, you little Danish twat?
