Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.
Aldous
I need you to put this into your bottom hole.
Aaron
What?
Aldous
Put this into your rectum.
Aaron
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the ****, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!
Aldous
It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.
Aaron
I won't do it. I won't do it. No.
Aldous
Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.
Please keep the line moving, sir.
Aaron
My phone is ringing.
Aldous
Your phone is not ringing.
Aaron
It's Sergio.
Aldous
It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!
Sergio
Hey! The couch is not for jumping! [To Aaron] Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 **** minutes.
Aaron
Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.
Sergio
What kind of health issue? His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head, are they? [To wife] No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is Babybels and chocolate pudding!
Sergio's wife: Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.
Sergio
I don't see no Go-Gurts! You need to put these shits where I can see them.
Aaron
He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.
Sergio
Then you put the drugs up your ass.
Aaron
Please don't make me do that.
Sergio
This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.
Aaron
Isn't that enabling him?
Sergio
Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. [Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room] It's Biggest Loser time, it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.
Aaron
Just give it.
Aldous
Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!
Aaron
Why did you do this to me?
Aldous
Out of love.
Aaron
Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?
Aldous
Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?
Aaron
I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.
Aldous
Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.
Aaron
IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.
Aldous
You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
Aaron
Oh, no. I have to sneeze.
Aldous
What?
Aaron
I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.
Aldous
If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.
Aaron
I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous
Listen to me.
Aaron
Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous
Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.
Aaron
I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous
Is it still in?
Aaron
I think I broke a rib.
...
Aaron
Hello, to you.
Hi.
Aldous
I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.
Let's see.
Aldous
Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?
Not yet.
Aldous
Well, stick us on that then, please.
Two first-class tickets?
Aaron
No.
Aldous
Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.
All right.
Aaron
No.
Aldous
I want to visit my dad.
Aaron
It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.
Aldous
You didn't specify. He didn't specify.
Aaron
Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.
Aldous
What favor?
Aaron
You know. The favor that I did earlier.
Aldous
My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.
Aaron
Nope.
Aldous
His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.
Aaron
No, no, no.
Aldous
I'm a terrible drug addict. Mule!
Aaron
No.
Aldous
He's a mule!
Aaron
No.
Aldous
You're the devil.
Perfect.
...
Aldous
All right, I want my package now.
Aaron
I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.
Aldous
Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?
Aaron
You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.
Aldous
Okay.
...
Aldous
Are you ticklish?
Aaron
Okay, stop. Okay, stop.
Aldous
Give me the package.
Aaron
Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.
Aldous
I'll smoke you out.
Aaron
Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!
Aldous
Open up.
Aaron
No!
Aldous
Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?
Aaron
No.
Aldous
In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? [Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor] Get the ****... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.
Aaron
We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?
Aldous
It's not a **** game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll **** destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!
Aaron
Just calm... Just calm down.
Aldous
It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, **** me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, 'cause I'll be **** you up.
Aaron
I'll figure it out.
Aldous
Yeah, you will. Yeah.
...
Hi. Can I help you?
Aaron
Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.
Okay. What's the last name?
Aaron
It's spelled H...
Okay.
Aaron
...E- R-O-l-N.
Aaron
Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?
Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the **** hotel, 'cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a **** guest? Are you out of your mind?
Aaron
I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?
Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.
...
Aaron
I feel like I'm in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
...
Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the **** stomach, all right?
Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?
Aaron
What... I'm not, like, involved in this.
...
Oh, my God!
Aaron
Where is the hospital?!
You take a right on North Casino Way!
Aaron
Every street's called Casino Way!
...
God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?
...
Jackie
One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around my dirty posie. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.
Aaron
Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.
Aldous
Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.
Aaron
Thanks again for the suggestion.
Aldous
Great.
Jackie
By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!
