[Aldous is hosting and guest-starring on VH1's Storytellers six months after the Greek concert]
All right. Thank you. Thank you. You sound sarcastic now. Cheers, cheers. Welcome back to Storytellers. Yeah, I've been sober now for six months. So that's positive. Thank you. Thanks. It's lovely to be applauded for being in recovery by people who I can see are on drugs. I can see some of you are literally on drugs now, aren't you? Here with us in the audience is my dear friend and collaborator, Aaron Green. Stand up, Aaron! Yes. We have a working relationship. He's my producer. He's got a label. How are you? What are you wearing? Is this 'cause you live in Seattle? You think, "Oh, I'm grunge." Is that what it is? You look like a lesbian.
Sit down, Aaron. Thank you. That is Aaron Green. Round of applause. All right. But also here is my lad. You all right, sunshine? Naples is here. You all right, mate?
Yeah. See, he still calls me daddy. He was my son for a while, but due to my complicated sex life, it turns out it's best just to think of him as a tiny associate. Also, also he's quite mature. He's more mature than me. Do you love me?
Don't think that long! It doesn't mean anything! So, all right. And my mum's here as well. You all right, Mum? You all right, darling? Well, hey, listen, I wanna... Jeez, I'm sidetracked. So, let's get on with the... Let's do this song. It's important for a number of reasons, but the most important thing is that it was a hit. Thank the **** Lord. [Singing] Yeah. When the world slips you a Jeffrey. Stroke the furry wall. Stroke the furry wall. Furry walls, don't bring me down. Furry walls, please stay around. [Repeatedly] Furry walls..., kiss me to sleep. Furry walls, please help me leap. [Repeatedly] Furry walls..., can take you on a magic carpet ride. Furry walls surround you till you got no place to hide. Let your furry fingers be your guide. Furry walls, turn out the light. Furry walls, please stay the night. Furry walls, furry walls, furry walls, let's have a taste, furry walls, sit on my face. Furry walls, furry walls. Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above. All around are furry clouds Look, here's a furry dove. Let me stroke your furry walls of love.
...
[Singing]
Little bird, drink the champagne from my lips. Take a flying saucer trip to the stars in my eyes. Little bird Sitting on the tip of my tongue. Though you look a bit too young. Could be the stars in my eyes. Your words, like butterflies dance around my head your body, like forbidden wine. Spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Little bird. Brand new galaxies await you. Open up and let me take you to the stars. Your words, like butterflies, dance around my head. Your body, like forbidden wine spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Little bird, little bird, little bird. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high. Reach your dominant hand in the sky. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for sex. For me and me helmet and wherever it winds up next Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for our Queen for shagging five birds in the back of me limousine. I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos, I feel in tune with you tonight. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for love While snogging down south While jiggling up above Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant hand! Tonight! Unity! Yeah, yeah Oi, oi, unity! And love! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for tea For separation of Church and State and me! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant leg! I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos! I feel in tune with you tonight! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high to the sky!
...
[Post credits scene] [Facing viewer]
Go home. Get the **** out the theater. The movie's over.
[Aldous is in a music video taking place in a gun battle in an African village] [Singing]
I have crossed the mystic desert. To snap pictures of the poor. I've invited them to brunch. Let them crash out on my floor. There's sunshine in my veins My kitchen's filled with flies. I'm crying out in vain Like a little African child. Trapped in me. There's a little African child trapped in me. All of these blowjobs in limousines. Why do they matter, what do they mean. To the little African child trapped in me?
Z Zoe
This is Zoe Salmon, and I'm on the set of international rock star Aldous Snow's new music video, African Child.
I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, well, a war in I think it was Darfur or Zimbabwe or Rwanda, one of them. And I just thought, "This isn't right, is it?" And I made some phone calls. It turns out, it isn't.
Z Zoe
Aldous' longtime girlfriend and mother of their son, Naples, model pop star Jackie Q.
He's really passionate. He's never been to Africa, but he's really passionate about it. And about, like, potentially going there.
When they were putting together this costume, I said, "Imagine an African, white Christ from space." And this is what they came back with, an African, white space Christ. That's how it... Well, that's just the concept, you know. Obviously, I'm not saying I'm an African, white space Christ. That would be... That's not for me to say. That's for other people... That's for other people to say if they think I'm... They think I'm like Jesus. [Sings] Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite.
Z Zoe
Jackie, you've had multiple hit singles, an amazing modeling career, and your very own perfume line. How do you find balance with your family life?
He's so gorgeous. And Aldy's the best father.
Z Zoe
What do you love most about Aldous?
I just love his energy and insight. The way he says my name and...
Z Zoe
You have a huge album coming out right now, African Child. Everyone is so excited about it. You must be, too.
When people look back at musical history, they'll say, "Sergeant Pepper, African Child." That's what they'll probably say. [Sing] Trapped in me...
...
B Brooke
Jackie, Aldous, welcome back to Showbiz Tonight. Great to see you! How are things going, Aldous?
Fantastically. To tell you the truth, Brooke. I'm happy in a way I didn't think was truly possible for me.
B Brooke
Great. And you, Jackie?
I'm actually a bit bored, you know. We've been sober now seven years together. And it's been a real adjustment for me, you know, the difference in lifestyle. You know, he works out all day getting every part of his body really hard. Except one part's missing, you know? One part. I think that through all that...
Jackie. Have you been drinking today?
I've had a few **** drinks, yeah. Just a few drinks.
But that... You know, whatever. You know, arrest me. But it's really boring.
[To the hostess]
The old Aldous would have, you know, had his way with you. Would've bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way! And now we'd be having a three-way! You'd be coming over for a cognac later, I'll tell you that, sweetie! But that's not happening anymore!
Do you want me to start drinking again?! Is that what you'd like?! Do you want to return to that?!
I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts! If that's what you want! I'm just saying!
Mario of Extra: [To viewer] Tell you what, time to invest in Jack Daniel's, 'cause Aldous Snow is off the wagon!
[Aldous is partying with P!nk]
Drinking gin at half past 5:00. Chatting up the bird with the dodgy eye, I vomit Jager on her pasty thighs Do a runner when her fella arrives Drop the pills, I'm off me crust. Meet the lads, I'm coming up
Billy Bush of Access Hollywood: The misbehaving singer appeared on MTV News this weekend to leak some exciting info.
[Repeatedly over montage of antics]
Let's get ****..., let's get **** up on the town...
V Voiceover
Aldous Snow's father and former manager, Jonathan Snow, has written a tell-all book.
J Jonathan
Well, I managed Aldous for the first two years of his career.
Yeah, he managed me while I was in his testicles! The minute he ejaculated, the management ended! No, I don't **** miss it! I'll show you what it's like!
V Voiceover
Yeah, you're watching Aldous Snow on TMZ!
[Repeatedly over montage of antics]
Let's get ****..., let's get **** up on the town..., let's have fun..., let's have fun up on the town..., called a cab, back to mine. Same routine every time.
[All record executives are in a meeting in Sergio's office to be lambasted over their chronic lack of success]
We gotta thicken our revenue stream! We gotta thicken our **** stream! We gotta thicken the **** out of that stream right now! Shit is serious out here! The music business is failing! The bubble done pop! [Someone's phone rings and everyone looks around and Aaron looks at the Jazz producer's to get him to admit it] Whose phone is that?
JP Jazz producer
It's my phone, man.
JP Jazz producer
It's mine, yeah.
JP Jazz producer
Definitely. [Answers phone] What's up, bro? Yeah. No, I can't talk right now. Yeah, he's actually staring at me, he's really pissed right now. Swear to God, I'm not joking, man. Yeah, 6:30. I gotta go right now, though. Bye. I apologize about that.
Throw that phone out of my office!
JP Jazz producer
Please don't make me do that.
Throw that **** phone out of my office!
JP Jazz producer
Right on. [He complies]
Y'all think this meeting is for me. No. No, this meeting is not for me. It's for y'all! See, see, I'm gonna be all right. I'm straight. I got villas in Brazil, Tahiti, East Hampton, Westhampton. Sergio gonna be fine! **** the recession. I own 20 Koo Koo Roos!
I own 21 Koo Koo Roos. Y'all don't own one Koo Koo Roo. Not one. Not one. Y'all are ****!
B Bodyguard
You all are [in a high pitch] ****!
He's not wrong. Everyone loves chicken. I'm doing fine. Please, people, help me help you. Who's first?
M Matty
Me first, Sergio. There's this Taiwanese phone company, TEC, it's got great valuation, it's a steal, dude. We buy that shit, we're not just selling the ring tones, we're selling the **** hardware, bitch.
Does this look like a telephone company to you? We make records here. This is not Cingular Wireless. Anybody here know anything about Cingular's wireless broadband, any of that **** phone shit?
Well, you know something, you should. Don't be proud of your ignorance. Now tell me something good.
M Matty
I just discovered the next Alicia Keys. I swear to God above, I can vouch for her.
What was your last discovery?
I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?
Yeah, Chocolate mother**** Daddy. He discovered Chocolate Daddy. How much did Chocolate Daddy sell?
M Matty
Fifteen thousand units.
Fifteen thousand units. I'm proud of every unit. I'm proud of those units.
M Matty
I'm telling you, this girl is...
Shut the **** up, man. Please.
M Matty
[Kevin mouths "Don't talk to him, please]
I'm not gonna talk anymore.
Shut the **** up! Fifteen thousand units! You made me vouch for Chocolate Daddy! Fifteen thousand units! I got six **** kids! You know how much money that is to put them through school? You know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear? I'm sorry for my outburst. I'm having a panic attack right now. [Motions to Aaron] You. What you so quiet for?
That's what we need. We need ideas. Share. Share with the group.
Okay. Next month is the 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow Live at the Greek Theatre, which is one of the highest selling live albums of all time. And if we did some sort of anniversary concert, I did the figures, and it can generate millions of dollars in revenue.
So you think one show is gonna change our game.
Well, we simulcast on HBO, Facebook. We charge them each a million bucks to co-sponsor the event. And that'll jump-start sales of his back catalog, which we can re-release, re-master, with additional tracks and a live DVD of the concert.
Come on. We need a game changer. And Aldous Snow is not it.
Aldous Snow is one of the last remaining rock stars.
With all due respect, maybe a game changer's not what we need.
He's a real musician, and we have a chance to make real music, and that's how we can succeed. And personally, I think it would kick ass to see him play live again. That's why we're all in this business, right? To... 'Cause we're fans?
That's really nice. Now I need y'all to listen to something that's a game changer. Play that shit. [Starts playing Infant Sorrow rap song with vulgar lyrics and all staff starts dancing in seats] This is a game changer right here.
[Answering machine plays]
Aaron! This is Sergio! Where the **** are you guys? And why the **** aren't you answering your phone? I'm answering my phone, and I just got hit by a mother**** car!
[Aaron is putting out romantic touches and Daphne enters the house]
Hi. Before you say anything just let me talk, okay? You were right. We broke off our relationship without really thinking about it. And I've learned over the past few days that life is mainly filled with superficial surface encounters. And I realize now how wonderful it is, what we have. I'm begging you to take me back. I'm sorry.
Did you hook up with anyone while you were gone?
You mean surface encounters?
[Aldous knocks on door]
What is he doing here?
What the **** is he doing here? I'll get rid of him, all right?
[Opens door and lets Aldous in]
Hey, man. What are you doing here?
Just went and saw Jackie. She's marrying Lars Ulrich now, and Naples ain't really my son. I remember thinking, "What bad advice." Thank you, Aaron. So, this is what you live in. You're Daphne then? Dr. Daphne? You know, when you hear about someone and then you meet them? That's happening now. I've walked in the middle of a romantic reconciliation?
No. No, no, no. Definitely not. [Aldous walks over to a couch and sits really comfortably]
Why is it so tense? Is it because he had sex with other people when he was working with me?
I think that's something we should... We're gonna discuss privately.
Yes. I would like to talk about it. I am upset. I am pissed. [She sits in a chair in front of Aldous really formally]
Why are you so cross, Daphne?
Because he broke my trust. We were barely broken up for a day and he went and cheated on me.
I didn't enjoy it, okay? [He sits in a chair also formally]
What I think, Daph, is that human beings by their nature are polygamous. It's against nature to be with one person. It never works.
Yeah. Or you think it's working, and then it turns out he's cheating on you with a bunch of hos and skanks. [Aldous pointing at Aaron twice]
I personally think that monogamy can work given the right circumstance.
Aaron, why have you chosen to put yourself in this ideological prison? You don't need these unnecessary restrictions. Unless you get rid of them, you just can't progress.
What kind of sexual restrictions? 'Cause in nature, there's everything from polygamy to, like, a threesome. What...
Threesome. Well, I mean, a threesome is something that's possible right now. You know, the three of us could have a threesome. Hypothetically. We've got the utensils. There's three of us.
Okay, that's funny. Yeah, we're gonna do a threesome. Let's just get naked and start **** right here.
We should do it. We should have a threesome.
Wait, what? I don't... What?
Come on. Let's have a threesome.
No, thanks. I don't... I'm all right, thank you.
So you get to mess around on the road, and because I'm a woman, I don't get to have any fun? You had your turn. It's my turn now. I would like to have a threesome, please.
Don't think of it as a threesome. Think of it as having sex with your girlfriend while someone else also has sex with your girlfriend.
I think it'd be fun. We should do a threesome.
We are pre-negotiating a threesome.
Pre-negotiated. And agreed upon. I'm **** psyched!
So, Aaron, Daphne, shall we play doctor?
I'm not sucking his dick, that's like 100%.
...
[Starts playing ipod playlist and watching Aaron and Daphne on bed standing with plate of strawberries]
Just relax. Just relax and listen to Mariah. [Daphne leans in to kiss Aaron] That's good. Aaron, look at her. Aaron, look at Daphne.
Put those strawberries down. They're not for you.
Come on, mate, don't be tight. We share everything now.
Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
Yeah, it's totally cool. Okay. Great.
[Aldous is performing cunilingus]
Oh, my God! Oh, ****! Oh, my God!
[He's on top of her in bed and Aaron is bathroom watching]
Daphne?
You sure you want to do this?
Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
****! [Aaron walks over, grabs Aldous and kisses him passionately]
What are you doing? What are you doing? Aaron, no. What? What are you doing? I'm just having a threesome! I'm just having fun! Come on!
[Aaron grabs Aldous' genitals]
Enough with these rules and restrictions, right? Come on!
Unleash that! This is the emperor! Release him!
You need to look at yourselves. Honestly, this isn't how people live.
What the **** are we doing?
I don't know. What are we doing? I don't want to do this.
I don't want this, either. Like, at all.
I am so sorry, Aaron. How did this happen?
You kind of insisted, but whatever. Wow. That was insane. What was I thinking?
I think I've misjudged the dynamic. You've been wonderful hosts. Particularly you.
[Checks cellphone]
Oh, God, I'm on call. Jesus Christ. [She gets up and leaves]
Nothing you say makes any sense! Okay? I understand that now. You're just a **** junkie.
And you're smart, so you make your insanity sound good, but it's bullshit. This is it, Aaron. This is rock and roll. Did you enjoy the party?
You're sick in the **** head! You messed your own life up and now you have to mess up mine, too? We're done here? Get out of my apartment.
Thanks for the hospitality.
[All dressed in hospital scrubs]
Bye.
