[Aldous is in a music video taking place in a gun battle in an African village] [Singing]
I have crossed the mystic desert. To snap pictures of the poor. I've invited them to brunch. Let them crash out on my floor. There's sunshine in my veins My kitchen's filled with flies. I'm crying out in vain Like a little African child. Trapped in me. There's a little African child trapped in me. All of these blowjobs in limousines. Why do they matter, what do they mean. To the little African child trapped in me?
Z Zoe
This is Zoe Salmon, and I'm on the set of international rock star Aldous Snow's new music video, African Child.
I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, well, a war in I think it was Darfur or Zimbabwe or Rwanda, one of them. And I just thought, "This isn't right, is it?" And I made some phone calls. It turns out, it isn't.
Z Zoe
Aldous' longtime girlfriend and mother of their son, Naples, model pop star Jackie Q.
He's really passionate. He's never been to Africa, but he's really passionate about it. And about, like, potentially going there.
When they were putting together this costume, I said, "Imagine an African, white Christ from space." And this is what they came back with, an African, white space Christ. That's how it... Well, that's just the concept, you know. Obviously, I'm not saying I'm an African, white space Christ. That would be... That's not for me to say. That's for other people... That's for other people to say if they think I'm... They think I'm like Jesus. [Sings] Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite.
Z Zoe
Jackie, you've had multiple hit singles, an amazing modeling career, and your very own perfume line. How do you find balance with your family life?
He's so gorgeous. And Aldy's the best father.
Z Zoe
What do you love most about Aldous?
I just love his energy and insight. The way he says my name and...
Z Zoe
You have a huge album coming out right now, African Child. Everyone is so excited about it. You must be, too.
When people look back at musical history, they'll say, "Sergeant Pepper, African Child." That's what they'll probably say. [Sing] Trapped in me...
...
B Brooke
Jackie, Aldous, welcome back to Showbiz Tonight. Great to see you! How are things going, Aldous?
Fantastically. To tell you the truth, Brooke. I'm happy in a way I didn't think was truly possible for me.
B Brooke
Great. And you, Jackie?
I'm actually a bit bored, you know. We've been sober now seven years together. And it's been a real adjustment for me, you know, the difference in lifestyle. You know, he works out all day getting every part of his body really hard. Except one part's missing, you know? One part. I think that through all that...
Jackie. Have you been drinking today?
I've had a few **** drinks, yeah. Just a few drinks.
But that... You know, whatever. You know, arrest me. But it's really boring.
[To the hostess]
The old Aldous would have, you know, had his way with you. Would've bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way! And now we'd be having a three-way! You'd be coming over for a cognac later, I'll tell you that, sweetie! But that's not happening anymore!
Do you want me to start drinking again?! Is that what you'd like?! Do you want to return to that?!
I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts! If that's what you want! I'm just saying!
Mario of Extra: [To viewer] Tell you what, time to invest in Jack Daniel's, 'cause Aldous Snow is off the wagon!
SL Song lyrics
[Aldous is partying with P!nk]
Drinking gin at half past 5:00. Chatting up the bird with the dodgy eye, I vomit Jager on her pasty thighs Do a runner when her fella arrives Drop the pills, I'm off me crust. Meet the lads, I'm coming up
Billy Bush of Access Hollywood: The misbehaving singer appeared on MTV News this weekend to leak some exciting info.
AS Aldous song lyrics
[Repeatedly over montage of antics]
Let's get ****..., let's get **** up on the town...
V Voiceover
Aldous Snow's father and former manager, Jonathan Snow, has written a tell-all book.
J Jonathan
Well, I managed Aldous for the first two years of his career.
Yeah, he managed me while I was in his testicles! The minute he ejaculated, the management ended! No, I don't **** miss it! I'll show you what it's like!
V Voiceover
Yeah, you're watching Aldous Snow on TMZ!
AS Aldous song lyrics
[Repeatedly over montage of antics]
Let's get ****..., let's get **** up on the town..., let's have fun..., let's have fun up on the town..., called a cab, back to mine. Same routine every time.
Okay, I'm up. I'm up! Hey, Daph', how was work?
Is that blood on your scrubs?
Probably. This guy's heart just went, like... It was like; something out of Saw.
You want me to get you an Ambien?
Oh, God, no. I have to be back there at noon.
At noon? That sucks, babe, I'm sorry.
Mmm-hmm. It's okay, sweetie. It's not your fault.
Okay. [Referring to background relaxation music] What do you want? Whale, wave or mountain stream?
All of them. Really loud.
Thank you, sweetie, I love you.
I got you an eggy thingy. I took a bite out of it and it's kind of cold, but it's still good.
You want to tape ourselves having sex for two hours before I go to work?
You're so funny. I love you.
No? Are you sure? I've always wanted to have sex with the Lone Ranger and the Hamburglar.
No, I'll see you tonight.
I love you, Aaron, so much.
Good night. You're funny.
...
SL Song lyrics
[Aaron is driving to Pinnacle Records corporate]
Oi! I'm a love dealer. You want to score. I'll give you my number. So give me a call. You're looking so lonely. There's no need to be. Let me introduce you to my family.
SL Song lyrics
[Aaron is in Sergio's office with just him watching Aldous concert footage]
Inside you are the stars unfurled. I've crossed me heart and I've crossed the world. And I need you here. And I need to be inside you. Inside you Inside you. There's got to be some part of me inside you.
Aldous Snow wants to do the show. He's interested and available.
I want you to go to London and pick him up. Then I want you to take him to New York to the Today Show to make the announcement about the concert. Then bring him back here for the show at the Greek.
Are you... Are you serious?
Don't smile like that. It makes you look like an 8-year-old boy who just discovered his first boner.
This is your **** moment! You only get one moment in life. It's not hiding in some cubicle, answering some **** phone. Can you handle it?
Yeah. I can handle the moment.
An artist is the slipperiest, most conniving mother****er on the face of the earth. That's why you have to watch your tushie while, at the same time, you make them feel like a star. It's called mind ****. You've been mind-**** before?
I'm mind-**** you right now.
Can't you feel my dick **** your mind?
No, I can't really feel anything.
See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-**** the shit out of you.
Well I hope you're wearing a condom cause I have a dirty mind. That was a joke.
This is no time to joke. Mind **** is not no joke. You have to mind **** Aldous Snow. He's a drug addict, Aaron. You have to show him balance. People want to see him **** up, but they don't want to see him too **** up. If this is **** up and this is sober, right here, that's the perfect balance right there. Not here. Right here. Okay. Do you like his music?
I love his music. Except for African Child. That album sucked.
No. No. No. You love African Child. Your mother loves African Child. It's your girlfriend's favorite album. You love African Child. You bought 10 copies on the first day.
Okay. Yeah, I love African Child. So lie to him.
No. We don't lie to people. We don't do that. We just believe in valid truths.
Okay. Do you like African Child?
Hell, **** no. It was the most racist, condescending shit ever made. What the **** you calling me? A house ****? Do I look like African Child?
You just called me a **** house ****.
No. I don't think you're a house N-word. No. I wasn't...
No, I don't like **** African Child. But if he asks me if I like African Child, I love that shit! I play that shit in my **** sleep. I wake up to it and I brush my teeth to it. I love African Child.
But, no, I don't love African Child. Don't ever ask me that **** question again.
From the minute you touch down in London, you have 72 hours to get Aldous Snow to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Do you understand me?
Your job is to control your artist. If he's too messed up you hit him with this adrenaline needle.
You mean like from Pulp Fiction?
Your flight leaves in three hours from LAX. Please, do a good job.
[Aaron is at a lunch with Aldous and his bandmates at an upscale hotel]
Hey, so, Aldous, for the Today Show, they want to know what song you want to play.
Say it was up to you, Aaron, what would you have me do?
That's your call. You're the artist, you know, whatever you feel like playing. I'd be really interested, 'cause you're, like, a legitimate enthusiast. I'd like to know what you'd be into doing. If I had to choose, all-time favorite would be The Clap. That's a classic. You know, that's... That's, like, my childhood right there, you know.
Okay. Well, I suppose the obvious choice is African Child, right?
Yeah. Great tune. Yeah, I love African Child. The song's awesome. I brush my teeth to it, you know? I think maybe we should run to the airport right now, 'cause we're getting close.
Change it to the next one. Should we get out of this bourgeois shithole?
...
B Bandmate
[Aaron is drinking with Aldous and his bandmates at an outdoor patio]
I disagree with what you're saying!
Bollocks! I disagree highly!
[Aaron is out in the streets with Aldous and paparazzi swarming]
Hey, move into... Make Aaron famous. Aldous, here!
Hey, look, the car service is here, with all the bags.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change it to the next one.
So we're going on the next one?
This is why we delay flights. For this! [They walk into nightclub]
[Walks up to Tom Felton of Harry Potter fame]
What's up, man? Hey. I’m at a table in the back with Aldous Snow.
TF Tom Felton
[Unimpressed]
Great.
Feel free to bring Professor Snape. [pause] We’ll play some late night Quidditch.
TF Tom Felton
Just...leave it. [He walks away]
Right? Not everyone cares. [Spots Aldous making out with a woman] Excuse me. Aldous. Hey. [Uses hands to separate woman's face from Aldous' face] Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
What? What are you doing?
Listen, hey, listen. It's just getting super close to that 12:00 a.m. Flight.
Aaron. I don't... See them two girls? Just there? I want to **** them two girls. Do you?
Yeah, they seem awesome. They seem, like, cool. Sure. Why not? I don't want to think about that right now, man. That's cool. I just want to leave here, please.
You're in a long-term relationship, right?
No, just ended, actually. See, my...
Brilliant! So, doesn't it make sense that we would stay here and have possibly the time of your life?
Okay. What'd you prefer, blonde or brunette? Blonde or brunette?
Thank you. Cheers. Do you want to go to the loo for a minute?
[A hooker is hyper-vigorously riding Aaron in a washroom stall while repeatedly yanking the flush chain]
Oh, yes! Oh, God. My butt's getting wet! My butt's getting wet! I'm falling in the toilet! I'm falling in the toilet! That was great. Awesome.
Chase me! [They run down hallway] It's better than Christmas! [Aldous jiggles hooker's breasts in a taxi-cab]
Go on, Aaron, give her both barrels!
All right. Can you give me the key, please?
I love you. We've seen not much of that today. Toss it! And there it goes. The hoop goes wide. Oh, no.
We're fine. We got 35 minutes to catch an international flight.
I wouldn't worry about it. Your mouth is smiling, but your eyes look all sad. Why?
Do you mind driving faster, please?
LD Limo Driver in London
Would you like me to take the Chiswick roundabout through Hounslow and Staines?
What is this, **** Middle Earth? Just take us to the airport, okay?
Run! Run! Run! Run! Just, try and keep up.
PA PA announcer
Final boarding call... Just keep up.
Aaron. Aaron. Aaron, you're sleeping. Stop sleep. Aaron, you're asleep. You're asleep. You're asleep, Aaron. Here's your drink.
Don't sleep so often. Cheers, mate.
Thank you for waking me up.
Why do you think people keep saying my music's shit?
I don't think that's the case. Is it? Is that the case?
Yeah, a lot of negativity. Lot of sniping and snidey remarks. People are, " Yeah, he's shit, he's a has-been, he's over, "he's in his greatest hits era." Don't listen to that shit.
Do you love the album African Child?
Yeah, of course. I love African Child. It's awesome.
Aaron. NME said that African Child was the most detrimental thing to happen to black culture since the Rodney King beatings.
I read in Rolling Stone that African Child came third behind famine and war as the thing that had been most damaging to African life.
I find that hard to believe, but they say any press is good press, right? I mean...
Come on, mate. You know, open up.
It seems as if on your last album you kind of went in the studio and just did whatever the producer asked you to do.
Right. Yeah, no, that's exactly... This is good.
Aldous Snow needs to be two guitars, a bass and a drum kit and his incredible voice.
Vocals, yes! Yes. And that's it. And that's what we want to hear. That's what I love.
That's what all your fans love. It's just every artist has this one album that's just not good, and that's it. Honestly, I listen to that and I'm just like, "What is this piece of shit I'm listening to? Do I even know this artist? "What the **** was he thinking?"
Don't **** talk to me like that, you little prick.
In future, if someone asks you to give them a critique of their work, don't rip out their **** gizzards and hold it in front of their face. What are you? What do you know?
I'm sorry. Look, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, what you did was very spiteful. But it was also very brave and very honest, and I respect you for doing that, but the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, peppered with hate. Hateful respect.
IF In-flight movie doctor played by Sarah Marshall
Scalpel! Now! But, Doctor!
Hey, I think I used to have sex with her. Yeah, yeah. No, I did, I did.
SL Song lyrics
Love is blind Love is blind, love is blind
