Peter Brenner quotes from Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Rachel Jansen

Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?

Peter Bretter

I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]

Rachel Jansen

Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.

Peter Bretter

Um, okay. How much is that?

Rachel Jansen

$6,000 a night.

Peter Bretter

Wow.

Rachel Jansen

Beautiful views.

Peter Bretter

I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.

Rachel Jansen

Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.

Peter Bretter

She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.

Rachel Jansen

Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

Peter Bretter

Okay, like, this is fine, right?

Rachel Jansen

Sir?

Peter Bretter

It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?

Rachel Jansen

Uh-huh.

Peter Bretter

Is she coming over here?

Rachel Jansen

Yup.

Peter Bretter

I wish I wasn't wearing this **** shirt.

Rachel Jansen

Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.

Sarah Marshall

Peter?

Peter Bretter

Hey. Hi.

Sarah Marshall

What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter

I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]

Sarah

Really, what are you doing here?

I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...

Aldous Snow

Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.

Rachel Jansen

Uh-huh?

Aldous Snow

Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...

Sarah Marshall

Aldous, this is Peter.

Aldous Snow

Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.

Sarah Marshall

My ex-boyfriend.

Aldous Snow

Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.

Peter Bretter

I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.

Aldous Snow

Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?

Peter Bretter

I'm not, as a matter...

Rachel Jansen

I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.

Peter Bretter

You were?

Rachel Jansen

Yes, sir.

Peter Bretter

Marvelous!

Aldous Snow

Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...

Sarah Marshall

Aldous!

Peter Bretter

No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.

Aldous Snow

Alright, Peter.

Sarah Marshall

Have a good trip, Pete.

Aldous Snow

I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?

Peter Bretter

Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.

Rachel Jansen

Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!

Peter Bretter

Why are you doing this for me?

Rachel Jansen

She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.

Peter Bretter

Yeah, right?! Thank you.

Rachel Jansen

Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter

Rachel...

Rachel Jansen

Jansen.

Peter Bretter

Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...

Rachel Jansen

Go. Go enjoy yourself!

Rachel Jansen

Where's your wife, sir?

Darald Braden

She is in bed.

How are things going with the lady?

Darald Braden

Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... [pause] wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!

Rachel Jansen

Good night, sir.

Peter Bretter

Night, sir.

Darald Braden

Off to find the mythical clitoris!

Rachel Jansen

So! [Peter snickers into his drink] Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.

Peter Bretter

Oh, you could?

Rachel Jansen

Yeah.

Peter Bretter

That's very funny. It is.

Rachel Jansen

Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?

Peter Bretter

I do the music for that program. [awkward pause]

Rachel Jansen

Well, did I mention that the music rocks?

Peter Bretter

That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. [mimics a line from the show] "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" [imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]

Sarah Marshall

So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow

Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall

When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow

D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall

Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow

Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]

Matthew Van Der Wyk

I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous

No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]

Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen

Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]

Peter Bretter

I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen

It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall

Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen

Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.