Aldous Snow [In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD]
Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life.
Tied for 3rd most-quoted character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008): in 6 of its 22 quotes
Most scenes with: Sarah Marshall (3), Peter Bretter (2), Rachel Jansen (2)
I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi.
More lines from Aldous Snow
1 quote Aldous Snow Scenes with Aldous Snow
4 scenes
Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]
Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
Um, okay. How much is that?
$6,000 a night.
Wow.
Beautiful views.
I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.
Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.
She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
Okay, like, this is fine, right?
Sir?
It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
Uh-huh.
Is she coming over here?
Yup.
I wish I wasn't wearing this **** shirt.
Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.
Peter?
Hey. Hi.
What are you doing here?
I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]
Really, what are you doing here?
I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
Aldous Snow [enters the lobby]
Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
Uh-huh?
Aldous Snow Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Aldous, this is Peter.
Aldous Snow Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
My ex-boyfriend.
Aldous Snow Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Aldous Snow Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
I'm not, as a matter...
I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
You were?
Marvelous!
Aldous Snow Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
Aldous!
No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
Aldous Snow Alright, Peter.
Have a good trip, Pete.
Aldous Snow I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
Why are you doing this for me?
She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Yeah, right?! Thank you.
Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
Jansen.
Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
Go. Go enjoy yourself!
[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]
So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
Aldous Snow Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Aldous Snow Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
I love Hawaii.
Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
Aldous Snow [Sarah, having heard Rachel and Peter having sex through the wall, starts having sex with Aldous and faking a loud orgasm; Rachel and Peter realize what she's doing and have even noisier sex, trying to one-up her and vice versa. Finally, Aldous realizes what Sarah's doing and shoves her off.]
Yeah, alright, that's enough!
What?
Aldous Snow I made a mistake, coming here with you. You're still involved with 'im next door, in't ya?
Excuse me?
Aldous Snow You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.
You should have seen yourself at dinner! [mocking Aldous's accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Aldous Snow That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, 'cause it's canceled.
Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?
Aldous Snow Yeah, well I **** the housekeeper the other day.
or do you want it without your cake?
Aldous Snow I don't drink.
All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...
Aldous Snow Okay.
'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, [Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent] "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!"
Aldous Snow That stupid English voice, was that me?
Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.
Aldous Snow I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
...
I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
Just not at all?
Aldous Snow No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
[Whispers]
**** you. Okay? Go **** yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I **** hate you. I bought all your records, this whole **** time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people **** with your food the rest of your trip! You **** dick! [Walks away]
Aldous Snow I like him. That's quite moving.
