or do you want it without your cake?
All right, so I came here to give you my demo. I just... I worship you, and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just take a listen and...
'Cause you know what? You don't wanna be the guy sitting there, watching BBC, and saying, [Mimics Snow's Essex/Cockney accent] "Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter, and I totally dismissed him like everyone else does in his life. And I totally was wrong, because he's a major, major, major influence on me now, and I feel terrible!"
That stupid English voice, was that me?
Unfortunately, yes. You're really gonna like it.
I'll listen to it when you've gone.
Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.
...
I have a question for you real quick Mr. S., I was actually meaning to ask you, what did you exactly think of my demo? Did you get it? Did you get it?
Oh no. I was gonna listen to that, but then I just carried on living my life.
No I didn't, because I've got my instincts and they weren't good.
[Whispers]
**** you. Okay? Go **** yourself. I can't yell right now, cause I'll get fired, and my boss ll' hear me, and then I won't be able to pay off my student loans, but you know what? You're an asshole. I **** hate you. I bought all your records, this whole **** time I've been trying to get you to come hang out with me. I'm gonna have people **** with your food the rest of your trip! You **** dick! [Walks away]
I like him. That's quite moving.
[into the phone, deadpan]
Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my **** job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. [notices Peter approaching] Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?
Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.
You're just... by yourself?
Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. [leads him to his table] Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
I'll be all right, thank you.
I just would be so depressed.
[answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony]
Hello?
No, it's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.
[making an effort to control his voice]
Hey.
Hey, what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?
Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. [his voice begins to break again] I think it's coming from the floor above me.
[pause]
I'll try and keep it down.
Yeah, you have a nice night.
Okay. [she hangs up. Cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.]
Wow! You came... I- I can't believe that you came.
Peter, this is... this is great. It was really funny, yeah.
Thank you. You know what? I didn't realize that it was a comedy and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! [they laugh, then there is an awkward pause] How long are you in town for?
[smiles]
Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.
[smiles]
Congratulations.
Yeah, maybe. [pause You never called.
You told me not to... and I listened. [pause] Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number. [he and Rachel laugh]
Listen to me, Peter. I was a mess, too. I understand that, okay? But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole!
Rachel, look, I know that I **** things up for a minute, but I am not like every other asshole!
You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody.
I know... I know that there is something here. I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.
[quietly]
I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. Peter, I need you to go.
[pause, nods]
I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.
Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]
Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
Um, okay. How much is that?
I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.
Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.
She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Okay, like, this is fine, right?
It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
I wish I wasn't wearing this **** shirt.
Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.
I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]
Really, what are you doing here?
I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
[enters the lobby]
Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
[smiles and nods]
Yes, sir.
Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
Why are you doing this for me?
She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
[tries to read her nametag]
Rachel...
Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
How are things going with the lady?
Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... [pause] wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!
Off to find the mythical clitoris!
So! [Peter snickers into his drink] Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.
That's very funny. It is.
Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
I do the music for that program. [awkward pause]
Well, did I mention that the music rocks?
[chuckles]
That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. [mimics a line from the show] "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" [imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]
Wow, we’re really going up to the edge of this, huh?
Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?
It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...
Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?
I just don't feel like doing anything.
'Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.
Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.
No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?
No. Just do it. You’ll be fine. Jump.
Oh, god. Oh god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.
So, are you gonna jump, or what.
Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.
[while hanging from a cliff]
So what should I do? I should just let go?
No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!
Totally. So what do I do?!
Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!
I don't know, Peter- just get off the **** rock!
Two! [pause] Two and a half-
Three! [jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel]
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.
I was there I witnessed it.
[smiling]
Thanks.
[She kisses him]
[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine]
So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
[quietly and angrily]
Just please get some seltzer water.
Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
[in mock reaction to the dessert]
Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
[As she is giving Peter oral sex, Peter feels guilty about Rachel]
What's wrong with you?
Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just don't feel right.
Okay, okay! I didn't mean... well, you know what? Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink...
Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so, my **** doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! 'Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! [walks past a wedding service on the lawn] Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii. Real original!
I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.
Who's the dude? [stands up] Who's the dude?
What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no one else. [stands up]
I know what's happening here. I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But maybe if we just held each other or something, you would remember what it's like to be with me.
Please hold me. [Sarah hesitates] Please. [he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly]
There's someone else. [Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock] I'm sorry. [she walks out in tears]
