Jason Segel movie quotes

View Quote ["to Gru"] Im being persecuted for my 423 War crimes I committed in Malaysia, Gru!

View Quote [to Gru] I'm applying for a new villain loan, go by the name of... Vector! [no response] That's a mathematical term, represented by an arrow, composed of both direction and magnitude! [no response] Vector! That's me! Because I'm committing crimes, with both direction and magnitude! Oh, yeah! (His best quote)

View Quote They are not pajamas!

View Quote Kunu: It looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, maybe a little.
Kunu: There's really only one cure for that.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, what's that?
Kunu: Weed. You got any?
Peter Bretter: No.
Kunu: Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!

View Quote Rachel Jansen: Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
Peter Bretter: I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]
Rachel Jansen: Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
Peter Bretter: Um, okay. How much is that?
Rachel Jansen: $6,000 a night.
Peter Bretter: Wow.
Rachel Jansen: Beautiful views.
Peter Bretter: I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.
Peter Bretter: She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Rachel Jansen: Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
Peter Bretter: Okay, like, this is fine, right?
Rachel Jansen: Sir?
Peter Bretter: It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh.
Peter Bretter: Is she coming over here?
Rachel Jansen: Yup.
Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this **** shirt.
Rachel Jansen: Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.
Sarah Marshall: Peter?
Peter Bretter: Hey. Hi.
Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?
Peter Bretter: I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]
Sarah: Really, what are you doing here?
Peter Brenner: I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
Aldous Snow: [enters the lobby] Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh?
Aldous Snow: Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Sarah Marshall: Aldous, this is Peter.
Aldous Snow: Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
Sarah Marshall: My ex-boyfriend.
Aldous Snow: Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
Peter Bretter: I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
Peter Bretter: I'm not, as a matter...
Rachel Jansen: I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
Peter Bretter: You were?
Rachel Jansen: [smiles and nods] Yes, sir.
Peter Bretter: Marvelous!
Aldous Snow: Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
Sarah Marshall: Aldous!
Peter Bretter: No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
Aldous Snow: Alright, Peter.
Sarah Marshall: Have a good trip, Pete.
Aldous Snow: I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
Peter Bretter: Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
Rachel Jansen: Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
Peter Bretter: Why are you doing this for me?
Rachel Jansen: She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, right?! Thank you.
Rachel Jansen: Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
Peter Bretter: [tries to read her nametag] Rachel...
Rachel Jansen: Jansen.
Peter Bretter: Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
Rachel Jansen: Go. Go enjoy yourself!

View Quote Rachel Jansen: Where's your wife, sir?
Darald Braden: She is in bed.
Peter Brenner: How are things going with the lady?
Darald Braden: Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... [pause] wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!
Rachel Jansen: Good night, sir.
Peter Bretter: Night, sir.
Darald Braden: Off to find the mythical clitoris!
Rachel Jansen: So! [Peter snickers into his drink] Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.
Peter Bretter: Oh, you could?
Rachel Jansen: Yeah.
Peter Bretter: That's very funny. It is.
Rachel Jansen: Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
Peter Bretter: I do the music for that program. [awkward pause]
Rachel Jansen: Well, did I mention that the music rocks?
Peter Bretter: [chuckles] That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. [mimics a line from the show] "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" [imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]

View Quote Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah? [winks] Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

View Quote Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.

View Quote Peter: I love you, man.
Sydney: I love you, too, bud.
Peter: I love you, dude.
Sydney: I love you, Bro Montana.
Peter: I love you, Holmes.
Sydney: I love you, Broseph Goebbels.
Peter: I love you, muchacha.
Sydney: I love you, Tycho Brohe.

View Quote You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.

View Quote Dude, it's not herpes if it's everywhere.

View Quote You went to Santa Monica Community College.

View Quote Nobody understands the cloud.

View Quote Robby: Who has sex for three hours?
Jay: We did!
Robby: That's the length of the movie "Lincoln". You did the full Lincoln.

View Quote Owner of YouPorn: See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the God damn cops.
Jay: Sir, I see where you are coming from.
Owner of YouPorn: Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the God damn cops.
Bodyguard: I was thinking the same shit!