The Muppets 2011 quotes

Kermit the Frog

Piggy, last time we were together, I said some things I regret.

Miss Piggy

No, no, Kermit. You were just being honest. You never intended to marry me. Not even after I built us a house where we could raise tadpoles and grow old together.

Kermit the Frog

Well, who do you think's been looking after that house all these years, huh? Piggy, why do you always have to be so overdramatic about things? You know, it leaves me no choice but to do things that hurt you.

Miss Piggy

I am who I am. Why can't you accept that about me?

Kermit the Frog

Look, this is not about you and me.

Miss Piggy

It's never about you and me, is it? It's always we. We this, we that. "We" need you. You can't even say "I need you", can you?

Kermit the Frog

Piggy...

Miss Piggy

I'm sorry, Kermit, but I have a life here. A life I've made for myself.

Kermit the Frog

Piggy!

Miss Piggy

Just remember, Kermit, I cannot be replaced.

The answer is no.

Kermit the Frog

Well, you could've just said that.

Contract.

Uncle Deadly

Contract.

Bobo the Bear

Contract. Nicely done, sir.

You see, Muppets, according to this contract, it's not just this studio you lose the rights to tonight, it's the Muppet name itself.

Kermit the Frog

What?

And all characters under the Muppet name.

Kermit the Frog

Wait a second. What possible use could you have for our names?

Miss Poogy

Told you I'd be back. Well, now I am back. And I see you've met Mr. Richman, our new business partner.

The Moopets are a hard, cynical act for a hard, cynical world.

Miss Poogy

Hey, Fozzie! I want you to meet a friend of mine.

Wocka wocka!

You're relics, Muppets! The world has moved on, and no one cares about your goody-goody, hippy-dippy, Julie Andrews and Dom DeLuise hosting, singing-and-dancing act anymore! You're dead! And I just come to bury you. Now, get out of my office.

Kermit the Frog

Welcome back, everyone. Well, I know the old place is not quite at its best right now.

Floyd Pepper

Yeah! Who cancelled the maid service? [laughs]

Kermit the Frog

But don't worry. We'll be fine.

Ahem. [The couple stop kissing and turn to look at the small group of Muppets staring at them]

Wayne

Oh! [He and Wanda start doing vocal warmups to cover up their act] La la la la la la la...

Wanda

Mee mee mee mee mee...

Gary

Look, Walter, you're my brother, and I'm always gonna love you, but you belong here, with these guys. You're the one who brought everyone here together. You always believe in other people, but that’s easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that’s what growing up is. It’s becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You’re my hero.

Kermit the Frog

I just thought maybe we could raise the money to buy the theater back if we all got together and put on one last show.

Fozzie Bear

A show? But I've spent years building a solo career! I have a whole new show-biz family that loves me--

Miss Poogy

Fozzie! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, HIBERNATIN'?! NEXT SHOW STARTS IN 30 SECONDS! We hired you, and WE CAN FIRE YOU, SO GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE NOW! [slams the door]

Fozzie Bear

They terrify me. Let's go.

Tex Richman

Tex Richman Is Back In Town, Folks! [The Crowd Boos And Yells At Him] OH, BOO YOURSELF! [The Crowd Stops Booing] You're Lucky I Got On The Act! [The Crowd Continues Booing And Throwing Food At Himself] Hey, I Had These Clothes Washed! [Someone Else Throws Food At Him] Hey! Stop It! [The Crowd Throws Food At Him At Once] STOP IT! [Screams And Runs Away]

Gary

Sorry. I was super excited.

Sam the Eagle

Welcome to this week's edition of "Everything Stinks"! [the other Muppets pull him offscreen with a hooked cane, Vaudeville style]

Animal

In control.

Good. I'm Animal's court-appointed sponsor. We don't use the D-R-U-M word. It's his trigger word.

Kermit the Frog

His "trigger word"?

Gary

Excuse me, Mr. Black. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but it's very important that these guys get their drummer-- [Jack Black punches Gary]

Walter

Gary!

It's my trigger word, too.

Moderator

Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.

Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS! [punches a classmate]

Moderator

I DON'T THINK SO! [punches Jack Black] Sorry.

Tex Richman

To the end of the Muppets! [Uncle Deadly grabs the boltcutters to stop Tex] Deadly! What are you doing?!

Uncle Deadly

Enough! Just because I have a terrifying name, and an evil English accent, does not preclude the fact that in my heart, I am a Muppet, not a Moopet! Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh!

Tex Richman

What does that mean?!

Uncle Deadly

It's an idiom, you idiot! Because you cannot laugh! Ha ha! [Tex falls off the roof and lands on the ground with a thud] Oopsie! [he laughs maniacally]

Tex Richman

Deadly...

Uncle Deadly

Now that's a maniacal laugh for you!

Tex Richman

You artists formerly known as the Muppets are standing on private property--My private property! And I'm telling you to leave, NOW! [The Muppets Gasp]

Kermit

He's right, everybody. He won. We gotta go. [As The Muppets Slowly Walk Away, Tex Richman Sighs In Disbelief]