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Carnival Barker: Hey, buddy, let me explain something to you. You see that little tin spaceship? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Oh! Uh-oh! Somebody's got a frowny face. Boo! Better luck next time! (Anges starts to cry. Gru: Ok, my turn.)
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Carnival Ride Worker: Sorry, dude. They can't ride without an adult.
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Gru's Mom: [repeated lines]: Ehh.
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Man: Sorry, buddy. Show's over.
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Penny: [from inside the Box of Shame] Hi, guys.
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Doctor Nefario: [by intercom] Gru!
Gru: Ah, Dr. Nefario.
Dr. Nefario: I know how you must be feeling. I too have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you'll always be one of the greats.
Gru: What? What happened?
Dr. Nefario: It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a pyramid! He said it makes all other villains look... lame.
Gru: [responds angrily] Assemble the Minions!
Gru: Ah, Dr. Nefario.
Dr. Nefario: I know how you must be feeling. I too have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you'll always be one of the greats.
Gru: What? What happened?
Dr. Nefario: It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a pyramid! He said it makes all other villains look... lame.
Gru: [responds angrily] Assemble the Minions!
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Fred McDade (Gru's neighbor): Morning, Gru! How you doing?
Felonious Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard and I don't appreciate it.
Fred: Sorry. You know dogs, they go wherever they wanna go.
Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.
Fred: [confused] Oh, okay. Uh... yeah!
Felonious Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard and I don't appreciate it.
Fred: Sorry. You know dogs, they go wherever they wanna go.
Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.
Fred: [confused] Oh, okay. Uh... yeah!
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Gru: [takes phone call] Hello, Mom. Sorry. I meant to call, but...
Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [Gru sighs in disgust] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who was actually successful? [laughs]
Gru: Listen, I'm in the middle of something that's very very big, very important! When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud!
Gru's Mom: Ha! Good luck with that! Okay, I'm outta here! [ends the call and kicks a punching bag in her dojo, knocking another man across the room] Ha!
Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [Gru sighs in disgust] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who was actually successful? [laughs]
Gru: Listen, I'm in the middle of something that's very very big, very important! When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud!
Gru's Mom: Ha! Good luck with that! Okay, I'm outta here! [ends the call and kicks a punching bag in her dojo, knocking another man across the room] Ha!
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Gru: Okay, girls, time for bed.
Edith: Ah, come on, we want a story.
Agnes: [excited] Three Sleepy Kittens!
Gru: Oh no, sorry, that book was accidentally destroyed maliciously.
[Kyle snorts]
Gru: Tonight, we are going to read a new book. [shows his homemade book to the girls] This one is called, "One Big Unicorn" by... Who wrote it? Oh, me! I wrote it! [opens the book] Oh, look, it's a puppet book. Hey, watch this. [sticks his nose through a small hole] That's the horn.
[the girls laugh along with Gru]
Agnes: This is gonna be the best book ever.
Gru: Not to pat myself on the back, but yes, it probably will be. [opens the book] Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Until 3 little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down."
Edith: [points to the page] Hey, that one looks like me!
Gru: [pulls back the book] No, what are you talking about? These are kittens. Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. [continues reading] "They made him laugh... [laughs] ...They made him cry." [sighs] "He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he could never part, from those 3 little kittens that changed his heart." [beats] The End. [closes the book] Okay, alright, good night.
[Gru starts to leave the girls' bedroom, but comes back and kisses Agnes and then Edith on the forehead; he bends over to kiss Margo, but she jumps up and throws her arms around his neck]
Margo: I love you.
Gru: [hugging her back; whispering] I love you too.
Edith: Ah, come on, we want a story.
Agnes: [excited] Three Sleepy Kittens!
Gru: Oh no, sorry, that book was accidentally destroyed maliciously.
[Kyle snorts]
Gru: Tonight, we are going to read a new book. [shows his homemade book to the girls] This one is called, "One Big Unicorn" by... Who wrote it? Oh, me! I wrote it! [opens the book] Oh, look, it's a puppet book. Hey, watch this. [sticks his nose through a small hole] That's the horn.
[the girls laugh along with Gru]
Agnes: This is gonna be the best book ever.
Gru: Not to pat myself on the back, but yes, it probably will be. [opens the book] Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Until 3 little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down."
Edith: [points to the page] Hey, that one looks like me!
Gru: [pulls back the book] No, what are you talking about? These are kittens. Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. [continues reading] "They made him laugh... [laughs] ...They made him cry." [sighs] "He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he could never part, from those 3 little kittens that changed his heart." [beats] The End. [closes the book] Okay, alright, good night.
[Gru starts to leave the girls' bedroom, but comes back and kisses Agnes and then Edith on the forehead; he bends over to kiss Margo, but she jumps up and throws her arms around his neck]
Margo: I love you.
Gru: [hugging her back; whispering] I love you too.
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Gru: [approaches Vector's base and starts pounding on the front gate] Vector! Open up!
Vector: [A huge TV monitor appears in front of Gru, revealing Vector's face] First give me the moon, then we'll talk.
[Gru realizes there's nothing left to do and pulls out the shrunken moon out of one of his pocket. A small tube appears out next to the main gate. Gru puts the moon in the tube which then closes automatically. The girls are trapped in a giant glass ball, Agnes calls out]
Agnes: Mr. Gru!
Vector: Zip it, happy meal!
Gru: Now, the girls.
Vector: Actually, I think I'll hold onto them a little while longer.
Gru: No!
Vector: Oh, yeah! Unpredictable! [the monitor retracts]
Gru: [leans into the camera lens] Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!
Vector: [laughs, sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared!
[Gru punches the camera screen, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon.]
Agnes: [smugly] He is gonna kick your butt.
Vector: [A huge TV monitor appears in front of Gru, revealing Vector's face] First give me the moon, then we'll talk.
[Gru realizes there's nothing left to do and pulls out the shrunken moon out of one of his pocket. A small tube appears out next to the main gate. Gru puts the moon in the tube which then closes automatically. The girls are trapped in a giant glass ball, Agnes calls out]
Agnes: Mr. Gru!
Vector: Zip it, happy meal!
Gru: Now, the girls.
Vector: Actually, I think I'll hold onto them a little while longer.
Gru: No!
Vector: Oh, yeah! Unpredictable! [the monitor retracts]
Gru: [leans into the camera lens] Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!
Vector: [laughs, sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared!
[Gru punches the camera screen, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon.]
Agnes: [smugly] He is gonna kick your butt.
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Gru: [trying to put the girls in bed] Come on now. It's bed time. [to Agnes] Did you brush your teeth? [Agnes nods] Let me smell, Let me smell... [Agnes opens her mouth; sniffs, but nearly gags] You did not! [Edith suddenly lands on him] Put on your PJs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it!
Edith: But we're not tired!
Gru: Well, I am tired!
Agnes: [holding the book Sleepy Kittens] Will you read us a bedtime story?
[silence]
Gru: [in a deep voice] No. [attempts to leave the room]
Agnes: Pretty please?
Gru: The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.
Edith: But we can't! We're all hyper!
Margo: And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you... All night long.
[pause]
Gru: [sighs; giving in] Fine.
Edith: But we're not tired!
Gru: Well, I am tired!
Agnes: [holding the book Sleepy Kittens] Will you read us a bedtime story?
[silence]
Gru: [in a deep voice] No. [attempts to leave the room]
Agnes: Pretty please?
Gru: The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.
Edith: But we can't! We're all hyper!
Margo: And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you... All night long.
[pause]
Gru: [sighs; giving in] Fine.
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Margo: He's not going to kiss us goodnight, Agnes. [turns off her light]
Agnes: I like him. He's nice.
Edith: But scary. [turns off her light]
Agnes: ...Like Santa! [turns off her light]
Agnes: I like him. He's nice.
Edith: But scary. [turns off her light]
Agnes: ...Like Santa! [turns off her light]
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Vector: Hey, Dad. You wanted to see me?
Mr. Perkins: Yes, I did, Victor.
Vector: I am not Victor anymore. Victor was my nerd name. Now I am Vector!
Mr. Perkins: Sit down!
[Vector immediately sits down.]
Mr. Perkins: Do you know where the shrink ray is?
Vector: Duh! Back at my place.
Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one. [he shows Vector the image on his laptop].. that looks exactly like it!
Vector: What the...? Those- Those girls sold me cookies!
Mr. Perkins: Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be?! I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it!
Vector: No, I haven't!
Mr. Perkins: Oh, really?
Vector: Now you just wait until Gru sees my Latest weapon: squid launcher! Oh yeah! [fires a squid into the lobby]
Man: Aah! There's a squid on my face!
Vector: You just wait. The Moon is as good as ours!
Mr. Perkins: Yes, I did, Victor.
Vector: I am not Victor anymore. Victor was my nerd name. Now I am Vector!
Mr. Perkins: Sit down!
[Vector immediately sits down.]
Mr. Perkins: Do you know where the shrink ray is?
Vector: Duh! Back at my place.
Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one. [he shows Vector the image on his laptop].. that looks exactly like it!
Vector: What the...? Those- Those girls sold me cookies!
Mr. Perkins: Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be?! I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it!
Vector: No, I haven't!
Mr. Perkins: Oh, really?
Vector: Now you just wait until Gru sees my Latest weapon: squid launcher! Oh yeah! [fires a squid into the lobby]
Man: Aah! There's a squid on my face!
Vector: You just wait. The Moon is as good as ours!
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Young Gru: Mom, someday I'm going to go to the moon!
Gru's Mom: Oh, I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.
Gru's Mom: Oh, I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.
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[Gru approaches his door, holding a mace in one of his hands. He peeks through the key hole, seeing three little girls]
Margo: Hello! Cookies for sale!
Edith: All right then.
Gru: Go away, I'm not home.
Margo: Uh, yes you are. I heard you.
[Edith jumps in front of the peephole and sticks her tongue out at Gru.]
Gru: [gasps, dropping his club] No, you didn't. This... [monotone] is a recording.
Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't.
Gru: Yes, it is. Watch this. [monotone] Leave a message. Beep. [Edith kicks the door] Ow!
[Margo leads Edith off the porch.]
Agnes: [still standing in front of Gru's door] Goodbye, recorded message.
Margo: [off-screen] Agnes, come on!
Margo: Hello! Cookies for sale!
Edith: All right then.
Gru: Go away, I'm not home.
Margo: Uh, yes you are. I heard you.
[Edith jumps in front of the peephole and sticks her tongue out at Gru.]
Gru: [gasps, dropping his club] No, you didn't. This... [monotone] is a recording.
Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't.
Gru: Yes, it is. Watch this. [monotone] Leave a message. Beep. [Edith kicks the door] Ow!
[Margo leads Edith off the porch.]
Agnes: [still standing in front of Gru's door] Goodbye, recorded message.
Margo: [off-screen] Agnes, come on!