Amy Mitchell I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom. I had my first kid when I was 20 years old, and I've been running late ever since. My days are filled with dropping the kids at school... Love you. ...then racing to work where I have meeting, after meeting, after meeting. I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk, and I try to work out once a week. [sighs] Why do I suck at Zumba? Most days, I race back to school for the kids' plays, and poetry readings and class projects...which I'm always late for. [mouthing] Sorry. And then there's PTA meetings, and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences. Jesus, Miss Wiggins ****in' hates me. At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car. [wailing] Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games and dance classes and doctors' appointments, before my daily trip to the grocery store. Ugh. This chick seems like she's got it all figured out. But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time. Still, I love being a mom.
Amy Mitchell First of all, I just wanna say this, that I think that we, as moms, do way too much stuff. And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less. [crowd cheers] Right? Less PTA meetings, less luncheons, less ****in' bake sales, just less bullshit! [crowd cheers louder] Wait, wait, wait, wait. And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys. Come on, now, school starts way too **** early, okay? God, and they have way too much homework. I mean, our kids don't even have time to be kids anymore, am I right? And what is up with these five standardized tests a week? We should not be teaching our kids how to be good test-takers. We should be teaching them how to be good people! What is a standardized test? So, if you're a mom who's overworked, overstressed, or if you're just a mom who wants to do less...then just vote for me. [crowd cheers]
Amy [after catching Mike with his pants down in front of the PC]
Oh, my God, are you...?
M Mike
No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.
Amy You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.
M Mike
Why won't this **** window close?
Amy [Sees Sharon naked on the screen]
Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
S Sharon
Uh, who the hell are you?
Amy I'm his wife.
Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?
Amy Yeah.
And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.
Amy Do you know what I hate?
Amy There are so many ****in' rules now.
Amy "Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."
Yeah. "Go to your kid's baseball games." "Tell your kids you love 'em." "Don't **** the janitor at your kid's school." I mean, what the **** is this? Russia?
Amy We're killing ourselves, trying to be perfect, and it's making us insane. In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom. Screw it.
Amy Let's be bad moms.
Amy Right?
Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I'm in!
Amy Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!
Amy Have a great day at school! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Your lunch! [hands the kids their bags]
J Jane
[gasps]
Thanks, Mom. You're the best mom ever!
Amy Aw, I love you, guys!
V Vicky
I love their hot fish sandwich.
Hey, Amy. Hi. Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today to discuss the upcoming election at 2:00. Will we see you there?
Amy No.
Oh. [Amy roars off] That bitch is playing a dangerous game.
Amy I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman, and I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.
Oh! Did you drive a spike through his nuts?
Amy [laughs]
No. Here's the truth. Our marriage has been over for years. I don't even remember the last time we had sex.
Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods.
[Carla laughs]
I find Tom Selleck's work to be extremely erotic.
I feel like everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.
Are these store-bought donut holes, Amy?
Amy What? No. Gosh, no, I made them by hand and then I put them in the weird plastic container.
V Vicky
Oh, thank God. 'Cause we do not allow store-bought holes.
Amy Oh, come on, Gwendolyn. Who cares what food people bring as long as it raises money, right?
S Stacy
Oh, did she just... Oh. She did. Hit her with it, G.
Well, you see, I care, sweetie. I don't... I don't know what's been going on with you, I mean, with your weird outbursts and your terrible style, but it ends now. Okay? I run this school, and no one takes a class or kicks a ball or plays a ****in' clarinet without my say-so. And I can make life a living hell for you and your dirty little children. Do you understand me?
Amy Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think you should just relax a little bit, I mean, have a donut hole. They're delicious. They're from a gas station. They're... Mmm.
You have crossed the line, little girl. And I am going to destroy you. Winter is coming. [storms away]
Amy [chuckles]
Gwendolyn.
S Stacy
Oh, my God. You are so ****.
Holy ****! Look at your mom bra!
There's so much surface area. You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.
Amy This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.
Amy Don't laugh.
Amy Yes!
Oh, honey. Amy. Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.
Amy Is it that bad?
Yeah, there's just one boob-log.
You don't even have two tits.
Amy I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?
Amy Oh, wow.
This bra will be the death of your vagina.
Amy Ooh, what's a never-hard?
Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.
Amy Yeah...
Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.
Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.
I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.
Amy Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?
Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there! It's like finding a gun in the street. Just scream and get outta there!
No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.
Amy Really?
Oh, they're always so nice to you, because they know their dicks are gross.
D Dylan
Hey so, where's my science project?
Amy Oh, I didn't do it.
D Dylan
What? But it's due today!
Amy Yeah. I know, I know. I'm so sorry, but you're going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.
D Dylan
I am a slow learner, remember?
Amy You're not a slow learner, you're just entitled... do you know what 'entitled' means?
D Dylan
No. Because I'm a slow learner.
Amy It means that mummy and daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think that the world owes you something, but it doesn't. And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're going to just grow up to be like another entitled little white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason. And then you'll start a Ska Band and it'll be awful and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic moustache to look interesting but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that so would you please, please just do your own homework?
Amy This party is raging.
MS Martha Stewart
Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?
Amy Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.
MS Martha Stewart
Good, right?
Oh, my God. What's in this?
MS Martha Stewart
Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.
MS Martha Stewart
I start my day with six of these.
K Dr. Karl
Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.
Amy So what do you think we should do?
K Dr. Karl
Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uh, as a human being with two **** eyes in my head, yeah I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit.
Amy All the moms in school hate me, and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.
First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.
You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.
Amy Most moms do that, Carla.
That's most moms, yeah. Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I've ever seen you do. You've quit trying. We don't quit! Moms don't quit!
No! Quitting is for dads!
Listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us, us moms, we have to just... We have to just keep going. Mmm-hmm. And do you know why?
Because we have low self-esteem.
No. No, no. It's because we love our kids. It's because we love our stupid, selfish, ungrateful, little shit-faces! That's why. We love 'em so much that we would do... Literally anything for them.
Amy Hi, um, my name is Amy Mitchell and I am running for PTA President.
[the auditorium is silent]
Keep going. You’re doing great.
Amy I know after the other day a lot of you think I’m a pretty bad mom...And you know what? You’re right.
Why did we make her do this?!
I don’t know I think we made a huge mistake!
Amy Sometimes I’m too strict with my kids, sometimes I’m too nice, and sometimes I’m just a crazy bitch who doesn’t make any sense...What works on my daughter almost never works on my son, and whenever I think I might actually be figuring my kids out, they grow older and I’m back to square one. The truth is, when it comes to being a mom...I have no **** clue what I’m doing. But you know what? I don’t think anyone does.
Amy [scattered applause]
I think we’re all bad moms. And you know why? Because being a mom today is **** impossible.
Amy [more applause]
So can we all just stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and maybe stop judging each other all the time?
I know I never doubted her.
Amy I’m running for PTA president because I want our school to be a place where you don’t have to be perfect. A place where you can be yourself and make mistakes and where you’re judged by how hard you’re trying not by what you bring to the **** bake sale. I want our school to be a place where it’s okay to be a bad mom.
W1 Woman #1
My kids haven’t had a bath in three weeks!
Amy [laughter and applause]
Yes! We all do that sometimes.
W2 Woman #2
I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!
W3 Woman #3
I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.
W4 Woman #4
I can't tell my twins apart!
W5 Woman #5
I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.
W6 Woman #6
I drink margaritas for breakfast.
W7 Woman #7
I threw my son's violin in the garbage.
[Woman #8 stands and speaks in Russian]
Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.
W9 Woman #9
I like my nanny better than I like my husband.
Wait, really? Yeah, you do!
W1 Woman #10
I don't even have kids! I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.
Amy Here's the thing. If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, 'cause she's amazing. Yes. But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no **** clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... Then please vote for me. Thank you.
