Carla Dunkler quotes from Bad Moms (2016)

Carla Dunkler

When I was in my twenties, I would just walk down the street and it would just be raining dicks wherever I went. It was just dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. It was, like, forecast, lot of ****!

Kiki

Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?

No.

Carla

You're batshit crazy.

Amy

Yeah.

Carla

And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

Amy

Do you know what I hate?

Carla

Mmm?

Amy

There are so many ****in' rules now.

Kiki

Yes, God.

Amy

"Don't punish your kids."

Kiki

"Don't say no to your kids."

Carla

Yeah. "Go to your kid's baseball games." "Tell your kids you love 'em." "Don't **** the janitor at your kid's school." I mean, what the **** is this? Russia?

Amy

We're killing ourselves, trying to be perfect, and it's making us insane. In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom. Screw it.

Carla

Yeah.

Amy

Let's be bad moms.

Carla

Oh, I'm in.

Amy

Right?

Kiki

Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I'm in!

Amy

Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!

Carla

To bad moms!

Amy

I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman, and I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.

Carla

Oh! Did you drive a spike through his nuts?

Amy

No. Here's the truth. Our marriage has been over for years. I don't even remember the last time we had sex.

Kiki

Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods.

Kiki

I find Tom Selleck's work to be extremely erotic.

Carla

I feel like everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.

Carla

Holy ****! Look at your mom bra!

Kiki

Ooh.

Carla

There's so much surface area. You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.

Amy

This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.

Carla

Shut up!

Amy

Don't laugh.

Carla

Wait, are you serious?

Amy

Yes!

Carla

Oh, honey. Amy. Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.

Amy

Is it that bad?

Carla

Yeah, there's just one boob-log.

Kiki

Yeah.

Carla

You don't even have two tits.

Amy

I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?

Carla

No!

Kiki

No!

Amy

Oh, wow.

Kiki

This bra will be the death of your vagina.

Kiki

Kent is a never-hard.

Amy

Ooh, what's a never-hard?

Kiki

Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.

Carla

That sounds horrible!

Amy

Yeah...

Kiki

Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.

Carla

Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.

Kiki

I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

Amy

Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?

Kiki

Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there! It's like finding a gun in the street. Just scream and get outta there!

Carla

No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.

Amy

Really?

Carla

Oh, they're always so nice to you, because they know their dicks are gross.

Amy

This party is raging.

Kiki

What a turnout.

Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?

Amy

Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.

Kiki

Thank you. Oh, my God.

Good, right?

Carla

I'm cumming.

Kiki

Oh, my God. What's in this?

Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.

Kiki

They're delicious!

I start my day with six of these.

Amy

All the moms in school hate me, and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.

Carla

First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.

Kiki

True that!

Carla

You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.

Amy

Most moms do that, Carla.

Carla

That's most moms, yeah. Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I've ever seen you do. You've quit trying. We don't quit! Moms don't quit!

Kiki

No! Quitting is for dads!

Carla

Listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us, us moms, we have to just... We have to just keep going. Mmm-hmm. And do you know why?

Kiki

Because we have low self-esteem.

Carla

No. No, no. It's because we love our kids. It's because we love our stupid, selfish, ungrateful, little shit-faces! That's why. We love 'em so much that we would do... Literally anything for them.

Carla

This is about standing up to the bitch that hurt your little girl! Now, are you gonna sit here and let Gwendolyn get away with this shit?

Kiki

Don't do it, Amy.

Carla

**** that! **** it! You are gonna rise up like a small, little white Apollo Creed and you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say, "You can do what you want to me, I don't care, throw it at me, but you **** with my daughter, and now I have to fight you. I will fight you in the playground. I will fight you in the cafeteria. I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe's. But I will have justice for my little girl, because I am a **** mom. And we protect our young." So get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave, and let's bodyslam this bitch.

Kiki

Come on, Amy.

Carla

Come on. Get those tits up.

Kiki

Get 'em up.

Carla

Get 'em up.

Kiki

Get your boobs up.

Carla

Get those tits right up.

Amy

Hi, um, my name is Amy Mitchell and I am running for PTA President.

Gwendolyn

Keep going. You’re doing great.

Amy

I know after the other day a lot of you think I’m a pretty bad mom...And you know what? You’re right.

Kiki

Why did we make her do this?!

Carla

I don’t know I think we made a huge mistake!

Amy

Sometimes I’m too strict with my kids, sometimes I’m too nice, and sometimes I’m just a crazy bitch who doesn’t make any sense...What works on my daughter almost never works on my son, and whenever I think I might actually be figuring my kids out, they grow older and I’m back to square one. The truth is, when it comes to being a mom...I have no **** clue what I’m doing. But you know what? I don’t think anyone does.

Amy

I think we’re all bad moms. And you know why? Because being a mom today is **** impossible.

Amy

So can we all just stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and maybe stop judging each other all the time?

Kiki

She’s doing great!

Carla

I know I never doubted her.

Amy

I’m running for PTA president because I want our school to be a place where you don’t have to be perfect. A place where you can be yourself and make mistakes and where you’re judged by how hard you’re trying not by what you bring to the **** bake sale. I want our school to be a place where it’s okay to be a bad mom.

My kids haven’t had a bath in three weeks!

Amy

Yes! We all do that sometimes.

I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!

Carla

What's your number?

I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.

I can't tell my twins apart!

I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.

I drink margaritas for breakfast.

I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

Carla

Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.

I like my nanny better than I like my husband.

Carla

Wait, really? Yeah, you do!

I don't even have kids! I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.

Kiki

Aw.

Amy

Here's the thing. If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, 'cause she's amazing. Yes. But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no **** clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... Then please vote for me. Thank you.

Carla

Hey, Jaxon. I made you lunch today. It's some humus wrap with some kale.

Gross!

Carla

Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so... And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.

For real?

Carla

I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game. Mmm-hmm. Because... I love you, and stuff. [Jaxon hugs him before walking in to school] Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chooch.