Gwendolyn James quotes from Bad Moms (2016)

Amy

Have a great day at school! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Your lunch! [hands the kids their bags]

Thanks, Mom. You're the best mom ever!

Amy

Aw, I love you, guys!

Gwendolyn

Is that Arby's?

I love their hot fish sandwich.

Gwendolyn

Hey, Amy. Hi. Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today to discuss the upcoming election at 2:00. Will we see you there?

Amy

No.

Gwendolyn

Oh. [Amy roars off] That bitch is playing a dangerous game.

Gwendolyn

Are these store-bought donut holes, Amy?

Amy

What? No. Gosh, no, I made them by hand and then I put them in the weird plastic container.

Oh, thank God. 'Cause we do not allow store-bought holes.

Gwendolyn

Seriously, Vicky?

Amy

Oh, come on, Gwendolyn. Who cares what food people bring as long as it raises money, right?

Oh, did she just... Oh. She did. Hit her with it, G.

Gwendolyn

Well, you see, I care, sweetie. I don't... I don't know what's been going on with you, I mean, with your weird outbursts and your terrible style, but it ends now. Okay? I run this school, and no one takes a class or kicks a ball or plays a ****in' clarinet without my say-so. And I can make life a living hell for you and your dirty little children. Do you understand me?

Amy

Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think you should just relax a little bit, I mean, have a donut hole. They're delicious. They're from a gas station. They're... Mmm.

Gwendolyn

You have crossed the line, little girl. And I am going to destroy you. Winter is coming. [storms away]

Amy

Gwendolyn.

Oh, my God. You are so ****.

Amy

Hi, um, my name is Amy Mitchell and I am running for PTA President.

Gwendolyn

Keep going. You’re doing great.

Amy

I know after the other day a lot of you think I’m a pretty bad mom...And you know what? You’re right.

Kiki

Why did we make her do this?!

Carla

I don’t know I think we made a huge mistake!

Amy

Sometimes I’m too strict with my kids, sometimes I’m too nice, and sometimes I’m just a crazy bitch who doesn’t make any sense...What works on my daughter almost never works on my son, and whenever I think I might actually be figuring my kids out, they grow older and I’m back to square one. The truth is, when it comes to being a mom...I have no **** clue what I’m doing. But you know what? I don’t think anyone does.

Amy

I think we’re all bad moms. And you know why? Because being a mom today is **** impossible.

Amy

So can we all just stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and maybe stop judging each other all the time?

Kiki

She’s doing great!

Carla

I know I never doubted her.

Amy

I’m running for PTA president because I want our school to be a place where you don’t have to be perfect. A place where you can be yourself and make mistakes and where you’re judged by how hard you’re trying not by what you bring to the **** bake sale. I want our school to be a place where it’s okay to be a bad mom.

My kids haven’t had a bath in three weeks!

Amy

Yes! We all do that sometimes.

I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!

Carla

What's your number?

I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.

I can't tell my twins apart!

I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.

I drink margaritas for breakfast.

I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

Carla

Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.

I like my nanny better than I like my husband.

Carla

Wait, really? Yeah, you do!

I don't even have kids! I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.

Kiki

Aw.

Amy

Here's the thing. If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, 'cause she's amazing. Yes. But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no **** clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... Then please vote for me. Thank you.