James Franco
Dude, look. Helicopters, helicopter. The good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine.
Craig Robinson
[helicopter crashes and propeller flies through the window and sticks into the wall next to Craig] [screaming and jumping]
Goddamn, goddamn!
James Franco
You okay?
Craig Robinson
No, I'm not okay. [shows his finger with a cut bleeding] **** yo house, Franco!
James Franco
My house didn't do that!
Seth Rogen
[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house]
We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco
[correcting Seth]
127 Hours.
Seth Rogen
Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
Jonah Hill
[after the group inventories the remaining food]
Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco
No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel
That's weird.
James Franco
It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen
I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco
Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson
Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a **** Milky Way.
Jonah Hill
Guys.
Jay Baruchel
A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen
Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco
[To Craig]
I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.
Craig Robinson
I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.
James Franco
I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
Craig Robinson
You couldn't handle my midriff.
Jonah Hill
Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel
For ****'s sake.
Jonah Hill
No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
Jay Baruchel
What?
James Franco
Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?
Seth Rogen
One finger scoop of Nutella.
Jonah Hill
Fair.
EW Emma Watson
[Holding an axe]
Back the **** up!
James Franco
Emma, what's wrong?
Seth Rogen
W-W-W-What's wrong?
EW Emma Watson
What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.
A All
No! No, no, no, no!
Seth Rogen
I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Rogen's nose with the back of her axe] OH!
Jay Baruchel
Holy shit!
EW Emma Watson
BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]
Jonah Hill
It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...
EW Emma Watson
GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!
Seth Rogen
There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!
EW Emma Watson
I'M NOT **** AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]
Craig Robinson
GIVE HER DRINKS!
James Franco
Okay!
Craig Robinson
GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Danny McBride
Oh, God!
Craig Robinson
[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]
PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
EW Emma Watson
HURRY THE **** UP!
Jay Baruchel
Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!
Craig Robinson
Don't give the Milky Way away!
Jay Baruchel
Put the axe down now!
Danny McBride
[Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]
Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!
James Franco
[to Danny]
I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there. [Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves]
Danny McBride
Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Craig Robinson
Little bitty ass, um, 20 year-old jacked us.
Danny McBride
Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.
Jay Baruchel
I didn't... I was just... I...
Danny McBride
I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about **** two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
Craig Robinson
So now, um, mother****ers is thirsty.
Craig Robinson
Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
Danny McBride
What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Seth Rogen
****, man!
Danny McBride
What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
James Franco
That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Seth Rogen
Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride
Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
James Franco
You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride
Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill
I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride
[mimicking Jonah]
"I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
James Franco
You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride
You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
James Franco
No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Danny McBride
Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Seth Rogen
Good.
James Franco
Alright.
Danny McBride
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
James Franco
[aims his revolver at Danny]
GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
Danny McBride
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
That's what I thought. Nerd.
Danny McBride
You stupid. Stupid mother...!
James Franco
[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]
**** psychopath. It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
Danny McBride
You were gonna send me out there with a **** gun filled with blanks?
Seth Rogen
Oh, **** you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you **** dickhead!
James Franco
**** murdering mother****er!
Danny McBride
Whatever. **** civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so **** high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious **** nerd.
James Franco
**** you.
Danny McBride
Jonah... you **** ****. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You **** disappoint me.
Craig Robinson
Bro.
Danny McBride
Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen
What?
Danny McBride
And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, ****-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel
What the **** are you talking about?
Danny McBride
I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
Jay Baruchel
No, no, no. That-that's **** twisting that shit around, you're **** lying.
Danny McBride
Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.
Craig Robinson
Ooh! Jay.
Seth Rogen
****, man.
Danny McBride
It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back. Don't be cocky.
[backs out of the double doors]
Seth Rogen
[discussing the apocalypse]
This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who **** saw that coming that there's actually a God?
Jay Baruchel
I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
Seth Rogen
Jesus **** Christ, man.
Craig Robinson
You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen
"Jesus **** Christ"?
Craig Robinson
Yes.
Seth Rogen
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson
One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Seth Rogen
Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson
Jesus, God. It's all the same.
Jay Baruchel
It's the trinity.
Seth Rogen
Jesus...
Craig Robinson
Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
James Franco
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Seth Rogen
I don't even know what the **** Commandments are.
James Franco
Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
Seth Rogen
I'm good.
James Franco
We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel
Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
James Franco
It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Craig Robinson
Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Seth Rogen
Oh.
Craig Robinson
You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Seth Rogen
[whispering]
I think God might've just **** up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
Craig Robinson
It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
James Franco
Wh-Why you so sure?
Craig Robinson
I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Jay Baruchel
What the?
Seth Rogen
Oh, **** off.
James Franco
Craig.
Craig Robinson
Well I was a kid, man, it was a ****in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I ****in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
Jay Baruchel
[exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson
And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, **** it. And I went for the second one.
Seth Rogen
[exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson
It was **** up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
James Franco
I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I **** Lindsay Lohan. She was **** up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
Jay Baruchel
[grunts]
James Franco
She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Seth Rogen
That's **** up.
James Franco
Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
Craig Robinson
See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
Seth Rogen
[the power suddenly goes out]
Whoa.
James Franco
Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill
[growling]
Jay Baruchel
You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Craig Robinson
[worried about Jonah, whispering]
Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
Jay Baruchel
I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]
Seth Rogen
[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house]
We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco
[correcting Seth]
127 Hours.
Seth Rogen
Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
James Franco
Old faithful. [picks up the gun]
Jay Baruchel
Jesus.
James Franco
Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.
Seth Rogen
Yeah.
James Franco
This is an actual revolver.
Seth Rogen
I see, yeah.
Craig Robinson
Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?
James Franco
Loaded.
Jonah Hill
Love it.
Jay Baruchel
Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?
James Franco
I always keep my props.
Jay Baruchel
That’s really cool.
James Franco
Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.
Jonah Hill
He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.
James Franco
It’s real. It’s heavy.
Jonah Hill
Let me see it like that.
Craig Robinson
[James tosses the gun to Jonah]
Goddamn!
Seth Rogen
Come on, guys! You could kill…
James Franco
Careful.
Jonah Hill
[pretends to shoot it]
Bang, bang!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus!
Seth Rogen
Please put it down!
Jay Baruchel
Oh, ****!
Jonah Hill
Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!
Jay Baruchel
I hope you’re **** happy.
Jonah Hill
Pow, pow, pow!
Seth Rogen
Stop- Guys, stop **** with the gun!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus. Jesus!
Jonah Hill
Pow! Pow! Bang!
Seth Rogen
It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.
Jonah Hill
Guys, it’s funny.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.
Jonah Hill
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.
Seth Rogen
Don’t do that Jonah!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus!
James Franco
Jonah, give it back.
Jonah Hill
I don’t know! I don’t know! [puts the gun in his mouth]
James Franco
Don’t do that!
Seth Rogen
Oh, dude!
Jay Baruchel
Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!
Craig Robinson
Would you put the thing down?!
Jonah Hill
The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.
Danny McBride
[while James Franco sees Danny McBride eating all the food supplies]
Franco! Good morning, sunshine!
James Franco
Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the **** food!
Jonah Hill
[they rush over to Danny]
Danny!
Danny McBride
No, it’s cool, man. I **** made this for you guys!
Seth Rogen
Stop eating!
Jay Baruchel
Don’t eat another piece of bacon!
Danny McBride
Guys just chill the **** out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can **** afford some more bacon.
Craig Robinson
Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!
Danny McBride
Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got **** wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Seth Rogen
Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!
Danny McBride
James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.
Seth Rogen
Do you actually not know what happened last night?
Jonah Hill
Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Danny McBride
Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities."
Craig Robinson
Dude, Segel’s dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.
Danny McBride
Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh? [laughing]
Jay Baruchel
Jesus, Danny!
Danny McBride
Michael Cera’s dead.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not like that.
James Franco
It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.
Danny McBride
Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the **** was that in Green Hornet, huh? Jonah, you’re **** sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be **** selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities."
Jonah Hill
Fatalities.
Danny McBride
Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Seth Rogen
Does it seem like we’re **** joking?
James Franco
[while having dinner at a table]
Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
Seth Rogen
Yes.
James Franco
Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
Danny McBride
I mean for all we know, the **** Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Seth Rogen
Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill
Sinkhole de Mayo.
Seth Rogen
Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.
Craig Robinson
Let’s hear it.
Jay Baruchel
I think it’s the Apocalypse.
James Franco
What?
Jay Baruchel
I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.
James Franco
You took my Bible?
Jay Baruchel
Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the Bible] “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.
Craig Robinson
The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that mother****er with no traffic.
James Franco
Coldwater.
Seth Rogen
I take Laurel Canyon.
Jonah Hill
Cahuegna.
Danny McBride
I usually cup down Barham.
Jay Baruchel
Boys, can I just fricking finish?
Craig Robinson
I love Laurel Canyon.
Jay Baruchel
[continues reading]
“And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”
Craig Robinson
I love that dude. He’s from Where the Wild Things Are.
James Franco
It’s a load of bullshit.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not bullshit.
James Franco
You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.
Craig Robinson
I’m straight-up lovable, son.
James Franco
And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?
