EW Emma Watson
[Holding an axe]
Back the **** up!
EW Emma Watson
What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.
A All
No! No, no, no, no!
I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Rogen's nose with the back of her axe] OH!
EW Emma Watson
BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]
It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...
EW Emma Watson
GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!
There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!
EW Emma Watson
I'M NOT **** AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]
GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Danny McBride Oh, God!
[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]
PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
EW Emma Watson
HURRY THE **** UP!
Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!
Don't give the Milky Way away!
Danny McBride [Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]
Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!
[to Danny]
I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there. [Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves]
Danny McBride Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Little bitty ass, um, 20 year-old jacked us.
Danny McBride Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.
I didn't... I was just... I...
Danny McBride I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about **** two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
So now, um, mother****ers is thirsty.
Who did this? Who did this?!
Did what, what are you talking about?
[holds up his jizzed porn magazine]
Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Danny McBride [raises his hand]
It was me, Franco. I ****in' made jizz in your magazine.
Danny McBride When I ****in' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
Real **** smart answer, why don't you **** aim, huh?!
Danny McBride I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a ****in' wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!
The **** kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a **** sock or on a ****in' tissue?!
Danny McBride No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
I highly doubt they ****in' taught you to ****in' close your eyes and ****in' **** wherever you want!
Danny McBride I mean, you're getting all worked up over a ****in' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with **** iPads in the walls, yet you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
That's right, man. I like to ****in' read!
Danny McBride You think that's the only thing I jerk off in here? I've been dropping loads around this ****in' house like a goddamn dump truck.
YOU DON'T **** ON MY STUFF!
Danny McBride I'll **** wherever the **** I want, James. I'll ****in' **** in your kitchen, I'll **** on your ****in' art, I'LL **** ANYWHERE I WANT!
I will ****in' **** right on you! I will **** like a ****in' madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride Ooh! I ****in' wish you'd **** on me right now, I ****in' DARE YOU TO **** ON ME!
Danny McBride [Both men exchange masturbation gestures at each other] [Grabbing a baseball bat between his legs]
I'm gonna jack my dick so ****in' hard in here!
This, no more, man, all over your ****in' face!
Danny McBride All over the ****in' floor, all over the ****in' place, I'll ****in' **** anywhere I want, I'll ****in' **** on these walls, I'll **** on the ****in' cabinets, on the ****in' furniture, I'LL **** EVERYWHERE!
[points his revolver]
If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna **** shoot it off!
Danny McBride You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
[waving his revolver]
No ****in' jerking off in my house, McBride!
[Danny throws the baseball bat to the ground]
Come on, man.
Danny McBride **** this. It's just I'm too thirsty to do this, and the ****in' bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this. I give up.
[walks out of the living room and leaves Seth behind]
Danny, no. Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!
Danny McBride It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.
No, you haven't. You could still come back and just ****in' turn around and come back and help me. Danny? Daniel?
[Danny is nowhere to be seen]
Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
Danny McBride What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Danny McBride What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride [mimicking Jonah]
"I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Danny McBride Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Danny McBride [Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
[aims his revolver at Danny]
GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
Danny McBride [Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
That's what I thought. Nerd.
Danny McBride You stupid. Stupid mother...!
[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]
**** psychopath. It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
Danny McBride You were gonna send me out there with a **** gun filled with blanks?
Oh, **** you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you **** dickhead!
**** murdering mother****er!
Danny McBride Whatever. **** civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so **** high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious **** nerd.
Danny McBride Jonah... you **** ****. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You **** disappoint me.
Danny McBride Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Danny McBride And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, ****-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
What the **** are you talking about?
Danny McBride I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
No, no, no. That-that's **** twisting that shit around, you're **** lying.
Danny McBride Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.
Danny McBride It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back. Don't be cocky.
[backs out of the double doors]
[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck]
Danny?
Danny McBride What the ****?! You guys are still alive?!
Danny McBride Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] **** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's ****in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
What does that have to do with us?
The **** you talking about?
Danny McBride [laughs]
I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna **** eat your ass!
**** you, you can't eat us, **** that, man!
Danny McBride I do whatever the **** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-**** this dude. See that? I ****in' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
CT Channing Tatum
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
That's Channing Tatum, dude, what the ****?!
Danny McBride Channing **** Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam disappears and James falls back down on the ground]
Oh shit.
[horrified]
What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride [holding up James' severed nose]
HOW **** CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
[last words]
DANNY, NOOOOOO!
Danny McBride [the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Oh shit, they're running after us!
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride [last words]
BRING THEM TO ME!
Danny McBride [while James Franco sees Danny McBride eating all the food supplies]
Franco! Good morning, sunshine!
Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the **** food!
[they rush over to Danny]
Danny!
Danny McBride No, it’s cool, man. I **** made this for you guys!
Don’t eat another piece of bacon!
Danny McBride Guys just chill the **** out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can **** afford some more bacon.
Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!
Danny McBride Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got **** wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!
Danny McBride James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.
Do you actually not know what happened last night?
Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Danny McBride Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities."
Dude, Segel’s dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.
Danny McBride Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh? [laughing]
Danny McBride Michael Cera’s dead.
It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.
Danny McBride Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the **** was that in Green Hornet, huh? Jonah, you’re **** sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be **** selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities."
Danny McBride Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Does it seem like we’re **** joking?
[James Franco starts a video confession]
Hi, this is James Franco, um, in my house in my library. Uh, we’ve been stuck here for about 24 hours. Danny McBride is here. Um, I didn’t even invite him to my party, but he came and passed out in the bathtub. I gotta say, it’s like typical **** McBride. Like, I’ve been feeling really weird about him lately, like I don’t really know if I wanna be friends with him and, uh… then he **** showed up at my party and now we’re stuck here with him, uh, in disaster lockdown, so, uh…
Danny McBride [Danny McBride knocks]
What up? What’s going on?
Hey, Danny, what’s up, man?
Danny McBride Not much. What are you doing? What is this?
Oh, it’s just a video confessional.
[Danny walks away]
**** that dude!
[while having dinner at a table]
Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
Danny McBride I mean for all we know, the **** Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.
I think it’s the Apocalypse.
I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.
Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the Bible] “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.
The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that mother****er with no traffic.
Danny McBride I usually cup down Barham.
Boys, can I just fricking finish?
[continues reading]
“And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”
I love that dude. He’s from Where the Wild Things Are.
You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.
I’m straight-up lovable, son.
And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?
Danny McBride This how you all feel?
Danny McBride You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast.
Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.
Danny McBride Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t **** call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so **** hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would ****in’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a **** for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
I’m sorry, all right? You can **** wherever you want.
Danny McBride I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just kind of into going.
[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck]
Danny?
Danny McBride What the ****?! You guys are still alive?!
Danny McBride Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] **** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's ****in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
What does that have to do with us?
The **** you talking about?
Danny McBride [laughs]
I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna **** eat your ass!
**** you, you can't eat us! **** that, man!
Danny McBride I do whatever the **** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-**** this dude. See that? I ****in' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
CT Channing Tatum
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the ****?!
Danny McBride Channing **** Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
Danny McBride I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.
Danny McBride **** roll over.
I’m gonna create a diversion…
…you and Jay make a run for it.
What? Danny’s gonna eat you!
Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.
Danny McBride Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing **** Tatum, dawg!
CT Channing Tatum
I love him.
Danny McBride That’s **** G.I. Joe, dude. He **** loves me. [laughs]
Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!
Danny McBride I’d love to catch up, but we’re **** starving, so… LET’S EAT!
[when the rapture beam appears on James Franco while he’s fighting the cannibals]
Holy shit!
Danny McBride What the ****?
Go to hell, McBride! [sticks up both middle fingers] **** you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam vanishes and James falls back down on the ground]
Oh shit.
[horrified]
What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride [holding up James' severed nose]
HOW **** CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
[last words]
DANNY, NOOOOOO!
Danny McBride [the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Oh shit, they're running after us!
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride [last words]
BRING THEM TO ME!
C2 Cannibal 2
Got to get Rogen!
Over here! Over here, over here.
[they hide behind a place where the cannibals don’t see them]
What?
C Cannibal
They’re around here somewhere.
C2 Cannibal 2
They kept running you **** idiots!
Shit, are they still here?
Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!
That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…
You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.
That’s exactly what it is.
You can’t be a sore winner.
Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. ****.
