Seth Rogen quotes from This Is the End (2013)

View Quote Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Jay Baruchel: Oh, for ****'s sake...
Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

View Quote James Franco: Dude, look. Helicopters, helicopter. The good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine.
[helicopter crashes and propeller flies through the window and sticks into the wall next to Craig]
Craig Robinson: [screaming and jumping] Goddamn, goddamn!
James Franco: You okay?
Craig Robinson: No, I'm not okay. [shows his finger with a cut bleeding] **** yo house, Franco!
James Franco: My house didn't do that!
Seth Rogen: [taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco: [correcting Seth] 127 Hours.
Seth Rogen: Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.

View Quote Jonah Hill: [after the group inventories the remaining food] Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel: That's weird.
James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a **** Milky Way.
Jonah Hill: Guys.
Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco: [To Craig] I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.
Craig Robinson: I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.
James Franco: I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
Craig Robinson: You couldn't handle my midriff.
Jonah Hill: Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel: For ****'s sake.
Jonah Hill: No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
Jay Baruchel: What?
James Franco: Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?
Seth Rogen: One finger scoop of Nutella.
Jonah Hill: Fair.

View Quote Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.
Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson: That's **** up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco: That's racist.

View Quote Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the **** up!
James Franco: Emma, what's wrong?
Seth Rogen: W-W-W-What's wrong?
Emma Watson: What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.
All: No! No, no, no, no!
Seth Rogen: I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Rogen's nose with the back of her axe] OH!
Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!
Emma Watson: BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]
Jonah Hill: It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...
Emma Watson: GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!
Seth Rogen: There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!
Emma Watson: I'M NOT **** AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]
Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS!
James Franco: Okay!
Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Danny McBride: Oh, God!
[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]
Craig Robinson: PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Emma Watson: HURRY THE **** UP!
Jay Baruchel: Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!
Craig Robinson: Don't give the Milky Way away!
Jay Baruchel: Put the axe down now!
[Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]
Danny McBride: Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!
James Franco: [to Danny] I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there. [Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves]
Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Craig Robinson: Little bitty ass, um, 20 year-old jacked us.
Danny McBride: Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.
Jay Baruchel: I didn't... I was just... I...
Danny McBride: I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about **** two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
Craig Robinson: So now, um, mother****ers is thirsty.

View Quote James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?!
Seth Rogen: Did what, what are you talking about?
James Franco: [holds up his jizzed porn magazine] Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Seth Rogen: No.
James Franco: No?
Danny McBride: [raises his hand] It was me, Franco. I ****in' made jizz in your magazine.
James Franco: Why?!
Danny McBride: When I ****in' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco: Real **** smart answer, why don't you **** aim, huh?!
Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a ****in' wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!
James Franco: The **** kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a **** sock or on a ****in' tissue?!
Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco: I highly doubt they ****in' taught you to ****in' close your eyes and ****in' **** wherever you want!
Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a ****in' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with **** iPads in the walls, yet you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco: That's right, man. I like to ****in' read!
Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off in here? I've been dropping loads around this ****in' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco: YOU DON'T **** ON MY STUFF!
Danny McBride: I'll **** wherever the **** I want, James. I'll ****in' **** in your kitchen, I'll **** on your ****in' art, I'LL **** ANYWHERE I WANT!
James Franco: I will ****in' **** right on you! I will **** like a ****in' madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride: Ooh! I ****in' wish you'd **** on me right now, I ****in' DARE YOU TO **** ON ME!
[Both men exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride: [Grabbing a baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so ****in' hard in here!
James Franco: This, no more, man, all over your ****in' face!
Danny McBride: All over the ****in' floor, all over the ****in' place, I'll ****in' **** anywhere I want, I'll ****in' **** on these walls, I'll **** on the ****in' cabinets, on the ****in' furniture, I'LL **** EVERYWHERE!
James Franco: [points his revolver] If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna **** shoot it off!
Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
James Franco: [waving his revolver] No ****in' jerking off in my house, McBride!
[Danny throws the baseball bat to the ground]
Seth Rogen: Come on, man.
Danny McBride: **** this. It's just I'm too thirsty to do this, and the ****in' bitter irony is I'm not gonna have my thirst quenched until I finish this. I give up.
[walks out of the living room and leaves Seth behind]
Seth Rogen: Danny, no. Don't walk away. Danny, don't walk away from me!
Danny McBride: It's too late, Seth. I've already walked away too much.
Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just ****in' turn around and come back and help me. Danny? Daniel?
[Danny is nowhere to be seen]

View Quote Craig Robinson: Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
Danny McBride: What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Seth Rogen: ****, man!
Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] "I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
James Franco: You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Seth Rogen: Good.
James Franco: Alright.
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.

View Quote Danny McBride: You stupid. Stupid mother...!
[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]
James Franco: **** psychopath. It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
Danny McBride: You were gonna send me out there with a **** gun filled with blanks?
Seth Rogen: Oh, **** you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you **** dickhead!
James Franco: **** murdering mother****er!
Danny McBride: Whatever. **** civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so **** high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious **** nerd.
James Franco: **** you.
Danny McBride: Jonah... you **** ****. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You **** disappoint me.
Craig Robinson: Bro.
Danny McBride: Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen: What?
Danny McBride: And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, ****-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel: What the **** are you talking about?
Danny McBride: I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
Jay Baruchel: No, no, no. That-that's **** twisting that shit around, you're **** lying.
Danny McBride: Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.
Craig Robinson: Ooh! Jay.
Seth Rogen: ****, man.
Danny McBride: It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back. Don't be cocky.
[backs out of the double doors]

View Quote Seth Rogen: [discussing the apocalypse] This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who **** saw that coming that there's actually a God?
Jay Baruchel: I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
Seth Rogen: Jesus **** Christ, man.
Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen: "Jesus **** Christ"?
Craig Robinson: Yes.
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Seth Rogen: Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson: One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson: Jesus, God. It's all the same.
Jay Baruchel: It's the trinity.
Seth Rogen: Jesus...
Craig Robinson: Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Seth Rogen: I don't even know what the **** Commandments are.
James Franco: Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
Seth Rogen: I'm good.
James Franco: We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel: Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
James Franco: It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Craig Robinson: Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Seth Rogen: Oh.
Craig Robinson: You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Seth Rogen: [whispering] I think God might've just **** up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
Craig Robinson: It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
James Franco: Wh-Why you so sure?
Craig Robinson: I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Jay Baruchel: What the?
Seth Rogen: Oh, **** off.
James Franco: Craig.
Craig Robinson: Well I was a kid, man, it was a ****in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I ****in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
Jay Baruchel: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, **** it. And I went for the second one.
Seth Rogen: [exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson: It was **** up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
James Franco: I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I **** Lindsay Lohan. She was **** up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
Jay Baruchel: [grunts]
James Franco: She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Seth Rogen: That's **** up.
James Franco: Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
Craig Robinson: See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
[the power suddenly goes out]
Seth Rogen: Whoa.
James Franco: Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill: [growling]
Jay Baruchel: You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Craig Robinson: [worried about Jonah, whispering] Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
Jay Baruchel: I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]

View Quote Jay Baruchel: [after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny?
Danny McBride: What the ****?! You guys are still alive?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah!
Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] **** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's ****in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel: What does that have to do with us?
James Franco: The **** you talking about?
Danny McBride: [laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna **** eat your ass!
Seth Rogen: **** you, you can't eat us, **** that, man!
Danny McBride: I do whatever the **** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-**** this dude. See that? I ****in' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Channing Tatum: Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco: That's Channing Tatum!
Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude, what the ****?!
Danny McBride: Channing **** Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
James Franco: Hardcore, man.
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam disappears and James falls back down on the ground]
Seth Rogen: Oh shit.
James Franco: [horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco: What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride: [holding up James' severed nose] HOW **** CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
James Franco: [last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO!
[the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
Danny McBride: SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Jay Baruchel: Oh shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride: [last words] BRING THEM TO ME!

View Quote [after Seth Rogen picks up Jay Baruchel from the airport]
Jay Baruchel: All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to **** Carl’s Jr.?
Seth Rogen: Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse.
Jay Baruchel: You’re on a what?
Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse.
Jay Baruchel: [laughs]
Seth Rogen: It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day.
Jay Baruchel: That’s not true.
Seth Rogen: It is true.
Jay Baruchel: You’re supposed to shit twice a day.
Seth Rogen: No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day.
Jay Baruchel: So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not…
Seth Rogen: Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed.
Jay Baruchel: But…
Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way **** better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten.
Jay Baruchel: That’s not true. Who the **** told you not to eat gluten?
Seth Rogen: It’s just true.
Jay Baruchel: You don’t even know what gluten is.
Seth Rogen: I know what **** gluten is.
Jay Baruchel: No, you have no idea what gluten is.
Seth Rogen: I do know what gluten is. Gluten’s a vague term. It’s, it’s like something that’s used to categorize things that are bad, you know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten.
Jay Baruchel: Somebody just told you, you probably shouldn’t eat gluten, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t eat gluten.”
Seth Rogen: Gluten means bad shit, man, and I’m not eating it.
[later at Carl’s Jr., Jay and Seth are eating burgers]
Seth Rogen: Hmm! Oh, God! Each bite is better than the previous bite.
Jay Baruchel: It is.
Seth Rogen: Gluten!

View Quote [Jay and Seth are at convenience store on Melrose Avenue. Jay wanted to get cigarettes, as he wanted an excuse to leave Franco's party, feeling uncomfortable. There are several other people in the Store, including a Grumpy cashier, a Father and Daughter, and two other customers, one is a priest.]
Father: Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom? She's really got to go.
Cashier: Read the sign. Customers only.
Father: Seriously?
Cashier: Why the **** you think I put up the sign?
Daughter: It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.
Father: Let's just buy something for your mother.
Seth Rogen: (watching the conversation) This cash register lady is mean! I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me? (Shows Jay a Milky Way) When I'm stoned, I can't do this.
Jay Baruchel: I think I'm just gonna head back to your place. I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's.
Seth Rogen: Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay?
Jay Baruchel: I hate it in there. I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed...
[Without warning there's an explosive BOOM. All the windows shatter in the store. A massive Earthquake strikes. Everyone is knocked off their feet. A shelf falls on Seth. Jay manages to regain his footing, he looks outside to see the whole block shaking. Suddenly, four gigantic beams of blue light burn through the ceiling. They shine down on the Father, Daughter, the priest and the other customer. The Cashier is in a total panic. Seth can't see what's going on underneath the fallen shelf. Like an alien tractor beam, all four people slowly lift off the ground. Jay can't believe his eyes. The four people are sucked up by the beams, through the holes in the ceiling, and into the sky. The light fades as they disappear. Jay looks outside to see, it's not just happening in their store. On all of Melrose Avenue, hundreds of people are getting sucked up into the sky by gigantic beams of blue light, some being lifted off the sidewalk, drivers being sucked out of moving cars, and lifting people out of buildings as the lights one by one take a human and fade as they disappear into the sky. The shaking finally stops. This is no Earthquake or aliens. It's the Rapture. Everybody who has been sucked up into the sky is on their way to heaven, because these people had good, kind, and selfless hearts. Anyone not sucked up are selfish and unkind. Seth manages to pick himself up. He hasn't seen any of the rapture. Only Jay did.]
Seth Rogen: Are you okay?
Cashier: (freaking out) DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL...
[Before she can finish, a giant air conditioning unit falls through the ceiling (having been weakened by the Rapture Beams burning through it) and crushes her. Seth and Jay panic. ]
Jay Baruchel: OH MY GOD!! JESUS!! JESUS!!!
[Both sprint out of the store, Seth through the door, Jay through one of the broken windows. Outside, it's pure mayhem, with the "damned" civilians (as they were not brought to Heaven because they lacked good hearts), running everywhere in panic]
Seth Rogen: Oh my god, run! RUN! This way!!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus, okay! Okay! AAGGH!!!
[Both scream as headlights are seen speeding at them. They barely dodge an out-of-control car, with no driver inside and a hole in it's roof (as the driver had been raptured while behind the wheel). The vehicle jumps the curb and crashes straight into the convenience store the two actors just left, destroying it.]
Seth Rogen: OH SHIT!!
Jay Baruchel: OH MY GOD!!
[Both yelp hearing a horn honk. Another car speeds down the street a breakneck speed, the driver obviously in a complete state of panic. The car accidentally mows down a pedestrian. Jay and Seth scream, and run down the streets, which have been destroyed by the chaos and blue beams, as they burnt through everything, and other cars have crashed, their drivers having been raptured.]
Jay Baruchel: JESUS CHRIST, WHY THE **** DID YOU BRING ME DOWN HERE?!?!
Seth Rogen: GAAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, SHIT SHIT!!!
[Dashing amidst the panicking crowd, both are nearly hit with sparks from a downed powerline. A panicked Taxi driver honks at the actors to get out of the way, obviously trying to escape the area. As it passes by the actors, it's seen that several fires have broken out.]
Seth Rogen: We're going back to Franco's!!
Jay Baruchel: WHY?!
Seth Rogen: Just trust me, keep running!
[The taxi heads through an intersection, and is T-Boned by another car who's driver had been raptured. It explodes in flames, incinerating him.]
Jay Baruchel: [Reacting to the crash] OH MY ****!!!
Seth Rogen: WE ARE GOING BACK TO FRANCO'S!!
Jay Baruchel: Oh, goddamnit!!
[The two sprint to Franco's home, not stopping until they reach it. When they arrive, everyone's still partying. No one has any idea what just happened outside.]

View Quote [As the Apocalypse beings, the actors all watch from Franco's front yard as fires burn in the Hollywood Hills. Micheal Cera is extremely upset, but not about the apocalypse. He turns to the crowd, too high to realize the world is ending.]
Micheal Cera: [drunken to the crowd] ALRIGHT Everybody listen up, listen up!! Who took my **** CELL PHONE, MAN?!?! MARTIN, EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!!
Martin Starr: What?!
Micheal Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man, somebody dial my phone, SHUT THE **** UP!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's UNACCEPTABLE after all the coke I've WASTED on you people! I've THROWN AWAY!!!
[Cera doesn't see that behind him, the ground is cracking, causing a street light to come loose]
Martin Starr: I didn't take your **** cell phone!
Micheal Cera: THREE-ONE-ZERO-NINE...!!
[As Cera yells out his phone number to the crowd, Seth sees the street light is about to fall onto Micheal Cera]
Seth Rogen: Woah, woah! Mike! Mike! MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!!!!
[The street light smashes on top of Cera, impaling him through the chest. The crowd screams, blood slamming onto David Krumholtz's face]
David Krumholtz: MY FACE!!!
Micheal Cera: What's happening to me?! What's happening?!
[The actors watch in horror as an anguished Cera is dragged by the street light toward the collapsing hole.]
Seth Rogen: MICHEAL, COME BACK!!!
[Just before the light collapses into the ground, the mortally wounded Cera hears his missing cell phone ringing and finds it...in his coat pocket.]
Micheal Cera: [Sobbing in pain and humiliation] Oh shit, that's embarrassing!
[Cera falls into the center of the Earth]

View Quote Seth Rogen: [taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco: [correcting Seth] 127 Hours.
Seth Rogen: Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
James Franco: Old faithful. [picks up the gun]
Jay Baruchel: Jesus.
James Franco: Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.
Seth Rogen: Yeah.
James Franco: This is an actual revolver.
Seth Rogen: I see, yeah.
Craig Robinson: Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?
James Franco: Loaded.
Jonah Hill: Love it.
Jay Baruchel: Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?
James Franco: I always keep my props.
Jay Baruchel: That’s really cool.
James Franco: Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.
Jonah Hill: He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.
James Franco: It’s real. It’s heavy.
Jonah Hill: Let me see it like that.
[James tosses the gun to Jonah]
Craig Robinson: Goddamn!
Seth Rogen: Come on, guys! You could kill…
James Franco: Careful.
Jonah Hill: [pretends to shoot it] Bang, bang!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus!
Seth Rogen: Please put it down!
Jay Baruchel: Oh, ****!
Jonah Hill: Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!
Jay Baruchel: I hope you’re **** happy.
Jonah Hill: Pow, pow, pow!
Seth Rogen: Stop- Guys, stop **** with the gun!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus. Jesus!
Jonah Hill: Pow! Pow! Bang!
Seth Rogen: It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.
Jonah Hill: Guys, it’s funny.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.
Jonah Hill: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.
All: No!
Seth Rogen: Don’t do that Jonah!
Jay Baruchel: Jesus!
James Franco: Jonah, give it back.
Jonah Hill: I don’t know! I don’t know! [puts the gun in his mouth]
James Franco: Don’t do that!
Seth Rogen: Oh, dude!
Jay Baruchel: Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!
Craig Robinson: Would you put the thing down?!
Jonah Hill: The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.

View Quote [while James Franco sees Danny McBride eating all the food supplies]
Danny McBride: Franco! Good morning, sunshine!
James Franco: Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the **** food!
[they rush over to Danny]
Jonah Hill: Danny!
Danny McBride: No, it’s cool, man. I **** made this for you guys!
Seth Rogen: Stop eating!
Jay Baruchel: Don’t eat another piece of bacon!
Danny McBride: Guys just chill the **** out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can **** afford some more bacon.
Craig Robinson: Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!
Danny McBride: Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got **** wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!
Danny McBride: James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.
Seth Rogen: Do you actually not know what happened last night?
Jonah Hill: Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Danny McBride: Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities."
Craig Robinson: Dude, Segel’s dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.
Danny McBride: Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh? [laughing]
Jay Baruchel: Jesus, Danny!
Danny McBride: Michael Cera’s dead.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not like that.
James Franco: It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.
Danny McBride: Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the **** was that in Green Hornet, huh? Jonah, you’re **** sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be **** selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities."
Jonah Hill: Fatalities.
Danny McBride: Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Seth Rogen: Does it seem like we’re **** joking?

View Quote [while having dinner at a table]
James Franco: Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
Seth Rogen: Yes.
James Franco: Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
Danny McBride: I mean for all we know, the **** Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Seth Rogen: Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill: Sinkhole de Mayo.
Seth Rogen: Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.
Craig Robinson: Let’s hear it.
Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the Apocalypse.
James Franco: What?
Jay Baruchel: I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.
James Franco: You took my Bible?
Jay Baruchel: Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the Bible] “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.
Craig Robinson: The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that mother****er with no traffic.
James Franco: Coldwater.
Seth Rogen: I take Laurel Canyon.
Jonah Hill: Cahuegna.
Danny McBride: I usually cup down Barham.
Jay Baruchel: Boys, can I just fricking finish?
Craig Robinson: I love Laurel Canyon.
Jay Baruchel: [continues reading] “And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”
Craig Robinson: I love that dude. He’s from Where the Wild Things Are.
James Franco: It’s a load of bullshit.
Jay Baruchel: It’s not bullshit.
James Franco: You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.
Craig Robinson: I’m straight-up lovable, son.
James Franco: And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?

View Quote Danny McBride: This how you all feel?
Seth Rogen: We talked about it.
Danny McBride: You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast.
James Franco: Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that.
Danny McBride: Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t **** call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so **** hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would ****in’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a **** for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
James Franco: I’m sorry, all right? You can **** wherever you want.
Danny McBride: I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just kind of into going.

View Quote Jay Baruchel: [after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny?
Danny McBride: What the ****?! You guys are still alive?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah!
Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] **** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's ****in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel: What does that have to do with us?
James Franco: The **** you talking about?
Danny McBride: [laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna **** eat your ass!
Seth Rogen: **** you, you can't eat us! **** that, man!
Danny McBride: I do whatever the **** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-**** this dude. See that? I ****in' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Channing Tatum: Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco: That's Channing Tatum!
Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the ****?!
Danny McBride: Channing **** Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
James Franco: Hardcore, man.
Danny McBride: I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.
James Franco: All right, Seth…
Danny McBride: **** roll over.
James Franco: I’m gonna create a diversion…
Seth Rogen: Yeah.
James Franco: …you and Jay make a run for it.
Seth Rogen: What? Danny’s gonna eat you!
James Franco: Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.
Danny McBride: Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing **** Tatum, dawg!
Channing Tatum: I love him.
Danny McBride: That’s **** G.I. Joe, dude. He **** loves me. [laughs]
Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!
Danny McBride: I’d love to catch up, but we’re **** starving, so… LET’S EAT!
James Franco: **** YOU!

View Quote [when the rapture beam appears on James Franco while he’s fighting the cannibals]
Jay Baruchel: Holy shit!
Seth Rogen: It worked!
Danny McBride: What the ****?
James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! [sticks up both middle fingers] **** you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam vanishes and James falls back down on the ground]
Seth Rogen: Oh shit.
James Franco: [horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco: What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride: [holding up James' severed nose] HOW **** CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
James Franco: [last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO!
[the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
Danny McBride: SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Jay Baruchel: Oh shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride: [last words] BRING THEM TO ME!
Seth Rogen: ****!
Cannibal: Get ‘em!
Cannibal 2: Got to get Rogen!
Seth Rogen: Over here! Over here, over here.
[they hide behind a place where the cannibals don’t see them]
Jay Baruchel: What?
Seth Rogen: Shit, shit!
Cannibal: They’re around here somewhere.
Cannibal 2: They kept running you **** idiots!
Seth Rogen: Shit, are they still here?
Jay Baruchel: I think they’re gone.
Seth Rogen: Are they gone?
Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God.
Seth Rogen: Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!
Jay Baruchel: That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…
Seth Rogen: Is it Vanity?
Jay Baruchel: Vanity or envy.
Seth Rogen: Is it envy or wrath?
Jay Baruchel: It’s any of them, man.
Seth Rogen: You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.
Jay Baruchel: That’s exactly what it is.
Seth Rogen: You can’t be a sore winner.
Jay Baruchel: Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. ****.