Cal He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.
2nd most-quoted character in The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005): in 31 of its 118 quotes
Most scenes with: Andy (12), David (5), Jay (4)
Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman ****in' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking "Oh, a woman ****in' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.
More lines from Cal
14 quotes Cal Cal [referring to letting Andy hang out with them]
I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...
Cal You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you **** the plant!
Cal I'll tell you who's the hottest. Now you're gonna think I'm crazy when I tell you this; Gina. I can't get Gina outta' my head. I'm gonna be thinking of Gina all week.
Cal I hired a 90-Ib girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-Ib guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk. Do you realize that the 300 pound guy would kick my ass if he knew why he wasn't hired?
Cal [To Amy]
You need to stop ****in' around with my friend because your giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy!
Cal Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.
Cal Looks aren't important. Look at me. Really look at me. I am ugly as ****, by traditional standards, but I still get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
Cal [To Andy before he hits on Beth]
There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number 1 ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. 2 be cool and 3 be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".
Cal [after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother]
Hey, **** her on her plastic-covered couch...**** her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...**** her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.
Cal Because I observe things, because I am a novelist.
Cal [reading his novel aloud while typing it]
"But dad..I don't know how to love..you never taught..taaaught me how.."
Cal [after Andy tells him he's going to tell Trish he's a virgin]
You should totally tell her, man...'Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was "Don't lie."...and that was a smart movie.
Cal You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.
Scenes with Cal
16 scenes
She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.
Cal Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Yeah.
Cal So, so she's a grandma.
No.
Cal I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a **** grandma.
Yeah, whatever, you know.
Cal She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!
Cal That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to **** Jack Palance right now.
Cal [David and Cal are playing "Mortal Kombat: Deception." Dave is Baraka, while Cal is Sub-Zero]
You're gay now?
No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
You're gay for saying that.
Cal [Laughing]
Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How? How do you know I'm gay?
Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How?
You like Coldplay.
Cal [Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal How?
You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal You know how I know you're gay?
How?
Cal I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal How?
You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
Cal That's gay?
[David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
God damn it!
Cal I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
Arr.
You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal How am I gay?
You've seen Rent three times.
Cal Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How?
Two words: fanny pack.
Cal You know how I know you're gay?
How?
Cal You're wearing baby blue track pants.
Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How?
You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
Cal You know how I know you're gay?
How?
Cal You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
Cal And you're just, you're lip quivers.
Mmm-hmm.
Cal Look's gay.
Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
You know how I knew you were gay?
Cal How'd you know I was gay?
You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
Cal That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
You Know how I know you're gay?
Cal How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
Cal You know how I know you're gay?
How?
Cal Your dick tastes like shit.
You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
Oh, drag, dude.
Cal She's picking you up from here?
Yeah.
Cal That's **** up, man.
Why?
Cal Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
So what?
Cal And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Okay.
Cal [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf]
Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's Boss?
That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal [Pointing to a framed poster]
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
Cal First, you relax, okay?
Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
[Cal and Andy are looking at the behind of a girl who works in a bookstore]
There's something wrong with her underwear.
Cal Yea, they are not in my mouth.
Cal What?! No.
Hold my god damn hand, man!
[Cal angrily flicks David in the nuts after refusing to talk to Bernadette]
Did you just flick me in the nuts?
Cal No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where you're nuts used to be.
Cal Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!
Cal No. What's Curious George like in real life?
Cal Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
I'm a virgin.
Cal "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
What if she laughs at me though?
Cal Then you punch her in the ****in' head if she laughs!
I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
Cal No, you punch her in the ****in' head emotionally.
Dude, are you gay?
No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to **** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who **** guys, in jail.
Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
I drive a bike.
Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're **** six!
[at a bachelorette party] [using a Black dildo as a phone]
Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo]
Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
I do!
Cal She does!
Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker!
Cal [Cal and David are playing video games at Andy's home]
So you're gay now?
No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.
Cal I'm gay for saying that?
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How? How do you know I'm gay?
Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How?
You like Coldplay. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal How?
You like the movie Maid in Manhattan.
Cal You know how I know you're gay?
How?
Cal I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal That's gay?
You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.
Cal Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?
Yeah.
Cal That's **** up, man.
Why? Why?
Cal Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
So what?
Cal And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
It's all right.
Cal Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
It's Oscar Goldman.
Cal Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
Cal Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
No I didn't!
Will you just quit whining like a bitch?
I'm not whining like a bitch!
You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.
I don't want to cram pimpage.
And after that... you on my level. Come on.
Cal Just ask questions.
This is a bad idea.
Cal You need to stop **** around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy.
Amy I moved, I changed my e-mail address, my phone number. He's practically stalking me.
Cal Well, I didn't know all that! So, I'm sorry!
Cal You suppose he's had enough? Spank bank has once again been filled. I'll tell you who's the hottest. You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me tell you. Gina. Can't get va-Gina out of my head. Va-Gina all week. You know what's a fun game?
Huh?
Cal You take three Excedrin PMs... and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. [sighs] You always win, it's the best part about the game.
