'm a virgin. I always have been.
The 40 Year-Old Virgin quotes
Page 1 of 8[after accidentally kicking her in the face during foreplay]
I'm hot! But, now, you can't have any of this. You should just give up forever!
Joe [About Andy]
That boy need to get *laid*!
Mark [Finding Andy on Trish's bed with a dozen condoms open]
Dude, teach me!
Motorist Get the **** out of the road virgin!
Do you think I'm pretty?
I'm starving, let's get some ****in' french toast!
Paula I'm very discreet...but I'll haunt your dreams..
Paula [About David's video camera antics]
He's performing a public colonscopy. Isn't that sweet?
She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.
Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Yeah.
So, so she's a grandma.
No.
I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a **** grandma.
Yeah, whatever, you know.
She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!
That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Well, she's no Jack Palance.
No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to **** Jack Palance right now.
Wow, this place is crowded.
Yeah, well, you know, nine dollar beer night.
You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
Oh, drag, dude.
She's picking you up from here?
Yeah.
That's **** up, man.
Why?
Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
So what?
And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Okay.
That's Oscar Goldman.
Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
[Pointing to a framed poster]
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
First, you relax, okay?
Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
God, you know, it's so funny. I work right across the street, and I've never been in this place.
Really? Where at?
Yeah. The "We Sell Your Stuff on eBay" store.
Yes.
And that's the name?
Yeah, I was looking for something... you know, obvious. So I chose that.
I don't understand. So, what, you do what?
Well, I take the stuff that you don't want... and then I "sell" it on eBay.
But you don't actually sell anything in the store?
No. I don't.
So why do you have a store?
I don't know.
No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional... and not like a crazy person who's just gonna steal all your shit.
Sure.
I didn't mean anything by that.
No, it's okay. You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know... see it for yourself, check it out.
I'll check out your empty store. Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.
Here's my number. So...
All right. So, just anytime. Why do I need your number if you're across the street though?
I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy.
I just... Sorry. Just giving it to you. So I'll write you up, and I'll meet you over at the register.
Okay.
And check you out... Check out.
Hey, what you watching?
Dawn of the Dead, man.
Great.
The store is slow.
Paula's gone.
Yo, is Paula back?
No. She's not here.
She said we can't watch this in here. You sure?
I know. Can I ask you something in confidence? I know this is gonna sound weird. Am I good-looking? Do you think a woman will find me attractive? [gets distracted by the TV] Oh my God! Oh my God, the blood just... Okay, never mind.
Wait, Andy. Hold up.
Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about.
Are you ready for my honest answer?
Yes.
Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat. I don't think that anybody knows it... and I don't think anybody can see it.
Well, that's why I'm asking you.
You seem really well-groomed and really put together. I mean, look, dude, you think this was an accident? All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough. You willing to make some sacrifices?
Absolutely.
You see that whole Teen Wolf thing you got going right there? You need to wax that right out.
Does it hurt?
No. Waxing don't hurt. I mean, not unless you're a bitch. You know what I mean? It didn't hurt me. I get it done all the time.