David [Watching The Bourne Identity]
You know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but I think he's rockin' the shit in this one!
3rd most-quoted character in The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005): in 24 of its 118 quotes
Most scenes with: Cal (5), Andy (3)
Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.
More lines from David
15 quotes David David [About his ex]
She was adorable... ****in' bitch.
David I just want to get drunk, ***** up*, and play some cards!
David If I have to hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm gonna "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.
David [Trying to get Andy to keep the porn]
Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy! For the last time, I don't want to watch "School of ****" with you!
David [Andy says he isn't much of a "ho-runner"]
My uncle used to drive a hoe runner.
David [Andy shirtless on body wax table]
I like your sweater. Does it come in a V-neck?
David [refering about Andy's partial body wax]
You look like a man-o-lantern.
David [Bitter about his ex, video taping his butt]
You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man. That ass is going to a club, maybe a night club.
David [To Amy at Date-A-Palooza]
I wanna take you under the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
David [Being bitter about Amy]
If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's love.
David [Digging through the box of porn]
And this is...this is "Everybody Loves Raymond"...This probably shouldn't be in here...This is just a good show , I just tape this sometimes.
David Look, I dated this girl, and it was the best four months of my life. Then she went down on this guy, in an Escalade, I think.
David [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store]
It looks like a Poltergeist.
David [Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again]
It looks like the doppler radar.
Scenes with David
8 scenes
[David and Cal are playing "Mortal Kombat: Deception." Dave is Baraka, while Cal is Sub-Zero]
You're gay now?
David No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David You're gay for saying that.
David You know how I know you're gay?
How? How do you know I'm gay?
David Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David You know how I know that you're gay?
How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David You know how I know you're gay?
How?
David You like Coldplay.
[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David You know how I know that you're gay?
How?
David You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
You know how I know you're gay?
David How?
I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David You know how I know that you're gay?
How?
David You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
That's gay?
David [David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
God damn it!
I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
David Arr.
Wow, this place is crowded.
David Yeah, well, you know, nine dollar beer night.
David You know how I know that you're gay?
How am I gay?
David You've seen Rent three times.
Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
David Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
David You know how I know you're gay?
How?
David Two words: fanny pack.
You know how I know you're gay?
David How?
You're wearing baby blue track pants.
David Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
How?
David You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
You know how I know you're gay?
David How?
You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
And you're just, you're lip quivers.
David Mmm-hmm.
Look's gay.
David Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
David You know how I knew you were gay?
How'd you know I was gay?
David You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
David You Know how I know you're gay?
How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
You know how I know you're gay?
David How?
Your dick tastes like shit.
You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
David Oh, drag, dude.
She's picking you up from here?
Yeah.
That's **** up, man.
Why?
Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
So what?
And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Okay.
That's Oscar Goldman.
Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
[Pointing to a framed poster]
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
David Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
First, you relax, okay?
Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
David [Cal angrily flicks David in the nuts after refusing to talk to Bernadette]
Did you just flick me in the nuts?
No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where you're nuts used to be.
David [Flicks him again]
Ow! Quit flickin' my balls man!
Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!
David [Cal slaps him in the face]
Oh!
David [punches David in the shoulder]
Okay.
David [tugs on David's ear]
Well played, sir.
David You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!
David No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.
David [smirks]
You're gay for saying that.
I'm gay for saying that?
David You know how I know you're gay?
How? How do you know I'm gay?
David Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David You know how I know you're gay?
How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David You know how I know you're gay?
How?
David You like Coldplay. You know how I know you're gay?
How?
David You like the movie Maid in Manhattan.
You know how I know you're gay?
David How?
I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
That's gay?
David [Gets killed in video game]
Goddamn it!
You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.
Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?
Yeah.
That's **** up, man.
Why? Why?
Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
So what?
And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
It's all right.
Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
It's Oscar Goldman.
Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
David Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms?
Amy Please don't reminisce about the times we ****, please. It's so creepy.
David Let's go to Paris. I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
Amy Cut it out!
David Cut what out? Let's go to Paris!
Amy We've been broken up for like two years, man! I don't want to date you anymore!
David You're a whore!
Amy I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
David This is so us!
Amy Psycho talk!
David What?!
