Paul Rudd movie quotes

View Quote Danny: Eight hours down, 142 to go.
Wheeler: This sucks ass.
Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a **** break.

View Quote Danny: No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

View Quote Augie: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed", "You should not be fighting", "You look like a young Marvin Hamlisch". I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed", "I will fight", "Who the **** is Marvin Hamlisch?"
Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting.
Wheeler: That's a good movie.

View Quote I know what you're thinking. And the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. It's called The Octagon. But I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall, and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you might just get to meet the whole gang.

View Quote [unveiling the Sex Panther] No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. [...] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

View Quote "[when Veronica gags at his perfume and asks what the smell is]" That's the smell of desire, m'lady. "[once she describes it]" Well... desire smells like that to some people!

View Quote [David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

View Quote [Watching The Bourne Identity] You know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but I think he's rockin' the shit in this one!

View Quote [Trying to get Andy to keep the porn] Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy! For the last time, I don't want to watch "School of ****" with you!

View Quote Josh Lucas: In some parts of the universe, maybe not in Contempo Casuals, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
Cher Horowitz: Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?

View Quote Cher Horowitz: Hey granola breath, you've got something on your chin.
Josh Lucas: I'm growing a goatee.
Cher Horowitz: Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last person at the coffee house without chin pubes.

View Quote Cher Horowitz: Hey! You know about this stuff. I wanna do something good for humanity.
Josh Lucas: How about sterilization?

View Quote Oh God, they go apeshit over bubbles. I mean, that’s an incredible thing about a child. What’s so great about bubbles? I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles. It’s totally sad; their smiling faces point out your inability to enjoy anything.

View Quote Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

View Quote It's the baseball draft honey, I got Matsui!

View Quote Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!

View Quote Totally... Totes McGotes.

View Quote Peter: I love you, man.
Sydney: I love you, too, bud.
Peter: I love you, dude.
Sydney: I love you, Bro Montana.
Peter: I love you, Holmes.
Sydney: I love you, Broseph Goebbels.
Peter: I love you, muchacha.
Sydney: I love you, Tycho Brohe.

View Quote This is like free therapy. New York State cares.

View Quote I need some leg warmers, my Croc is stuck!

View Quote I like to think that if you put your trust out there; if you really give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.

View Quote Hope: You're gonna have to learn how to punch.
Scott: You're gonna show me how to punch? [Holds up his hand as a target] Okay. Show me how to—
[Hope cuts him off with a punch to the face]
Hope: That's how you punch.
Scott: OW! Were you even aiming for my hand?

View Quote [After Scott puts on the Ant-Man suit and shrinks for the first time]
Hank: [On comms] The world sure seems different from down here, doesn't it Scott?
Scott: Who said that?

View Quote Scott: [Standing before Sam Wilson, shrunken] It's okay, he can't see me.
Sam: I can see you.
Scott: ...He can see me.

View Quote Snitches end up in ditches!

View Quote Pete: Don't talk to me about responsibilities. I have a life. I have a family. I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting high, jerking off, and then going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at three o'clock in the morning.
Ronnie: That's not even the order that happens in!

View Quote Sadie: I don't make fun of your stupid Mad Men!
Pete: First of all, I don't get worked up over Mad Men.
Sadie: That's because Mad Men sucks!
Pete: What Don Draper has gone through beats whatever Jack is running from on some **** island.
Sadie: A bunch of people smoking in an office, it's stupid!

View Quote Can somebody go a day in this place without a dick in their face?

View Quote George: All these people live here. This is a commune.
Seth: We prefer 'intentional community.' We're not a bunch of hippies sitting around playing guitar.

View Quote Seth: If you want to pick a fight with your sexual chi, it's just going to drive it inwards - and that invites disease, and death.
George: Man, not a fan of death.
Almond: [very, very pregnant] People treat sex like it's this huge deal with crazy life consequences...

View Quote Lindsay, you've got barbecue sauce all over your face... It's pretty foul.

View Quote **** you, ****!

View Quote You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

View Quote We're the Ghostbusters. We stay and fight for this place.

View Quote Suit up. Shoot anything that looks terrifying.

View Quote If there's something strange, if there's something weird, who are people gonna call?

View Quote [Inside the Avengers Compound, the heroes are conducting a time travel experiment]
Banner: Okay, here we go. Time travel test number one. Scott, fire up the uhhhh…the van thing. [Scott opens the portal]
Steve: Breakers are set, emergency generators are on standby.
Banner: Good. 'Cause if we blow the grid, I don't wanna lose tiny here in the 1950's.
Scott: Excuse me?
Natasha: He's kidding. You can't say things like that.
Banner: It was a bad joke.
Natasha: You were kidding, right?
Banner: [whispering to Romanoff] I have no idea. We're talking about time travel here. Either it's all a joke, or none of it is. [loudly and gives Scott a thumbs up] We're good! Get your helmet on, Scott. I'm gonna send you back a week, let you walk around for an hour, then bring you back in 10 seconds. Makes sense?
Scott: Perfectly not confusing.
Steve: Good luck, Scott. You got this.
Scott: You're right. I do, Captain America!
Banner: On the count of 3. 3…2…1!
[Bruce presses a button, and Scott disappears into the Quantum Tunnel. In 5 seconds, Bruce presses a button, and someone in the Ant-Man suit comes back. A teenager appears out of it]
Young Scott: Uh, guys? T-This doesn't feel right.
Steve: What is this?
Banner: What's going on?
Natasha: Who is that?
[Banner pushes another couple of buttons, trying to fix the problem]
Banner: Hold on.
Natasha: Is that Scott?
Young Scott: [irritated] Yes, it's Scott!
[Scott gets sucked in back into the quantum tunnel, and it appears to be an old man in the Ant-Man suit]
Elderly Scott: OWW! My back…!
Steve: What is this?
Banner: Can I get a little space here.
Steve: Yeah, yeah. Can you bring him back?
Banner: I'm working on it! [taps the side of the button pad, trying to pull back Scott]
[After a moment, another person appears in front of them. This time, it's a baby in the Ant-Man suit]
Steve: It's a baby.
Banner: It's Scott!
Rogers: As a baby!
Banner: He'll grow!
Rogers: [exasperated] Bring Scott back!
Banner: When I say kill the power, kill the power.
Natasha: [annoyed, she goes to kill the power] Oh, my God.
Banner: [configuring the time machine] And…kill it!
[Natasha kills the power as Banner sends baby Scott back into the Quantum Realm and retrieves Scott's present self, who is shaken from the Avengers' experiment]
Scott: Somebody peed my pants…
Romanoff: Oh, thank God.
Scott: But I don't know if it was baby-me or old-me. Or…just me-me.
Banner: Time travel! [Steve just shakes his head and walks away] What? I see this as an absolute win.

View Quote [Nebula is fitting a time travel suit onto Clint Barton]
Banner: Clint, now you're gonna feel a little discombobulated from the chronoshift, don't worry about that--
James Rhodes: Wait, wait, wait a second. Let me ask you something. If we can do this, you know…go back in time, why don't we just find baby Thanos, you know, and… [makes a gesture of strangling a baby with a rope, complete with "choking sound"]
Banner: [disgusted] First of all, that's horrible...
Rhodes: It's Thanos.
Banner: ...and secondly, time doesn't work that way. Changing the past doesn't change the future!
Scott: Look, we go back, we get the stones before Thanos gets them? Thanos doesn't have the stones. Problem solved!
Clint Barton: Bingo.
Nebula: That's not how it works.
Barton: Well, that's what I heard.
Banner: What, by who? Who told you that?
Rhodes: [counting with his fingers] Star Trek, Terminator, Timecop, Time After Time…
Scott: …Quantum Leap…
Rhodes: Wrinkle in Time, Somewhere in Time…
Scott: Hot Tub Time Machine…
Rhodes: Hot Tub Time Machine, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - basically, any movie that deals with time travel.
Scott: Die Hard? No, that's not one.
Rhodes: This is known.
Banner: I don't know why everyone believes that, but that isn't true. Think about it. If you travel to the past, that past becomes your future. And your former present becomes the past, which can't now be changed by your new future!
Nebula: Exactly.
Scott: [confused] So Back to the Future is a bunch of bullshit?

View Quote Steve: Okay, so the "how" works. Now we gotta figure out the "when" and the "where." Almost all of us has had an encounter with at least one of the six Infinity Stones.
Stark: Well, I'd substitute the word "encounter" for "damn well near been killed by" one of the six Infinity Stones.
Scott: I haven't, I don't even know what the hell you're all talking about.
Banner: Regardless, we only have enough Pym Particles for one round trip each, and these Stones have been in a lot of different places throughout history.
Stark: Our history. So, not a lot of convenient spots to just drop in.
Clint: Which means we have to pick our targets.
Stark: Correct.
Steve: Let's start with the Aether. Thor, what do you know?
Natasha: [Thor is sitting on a chair with his sunglasses on] Is he asleep?
Rhodey: No. I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Thor: [wakes up] Where to start? Umm…the Aether, first, is not a stone, someone called it a stone before. It's more of a…an angry sludge thing, so…someone's gonna need to amend that. Here's an interesting story though, many years ago…my grandfather had to hide the stones from the Dark Elves, wooooh, scary beings. So Jane… [an image of Jane Foster pops up on the screen] Oh, there she is. That's Jane. She's– an old flame of mine. She– she stuck her hand inside a rock this one time– and then the Aether stuck itself inside her. And she became very, very sick. So I had to take her to Asgard, which is where I'm from. And we had to try and fix her. We were dating at the time, you see. I got to introduce her to my mother…who's dead… [seeming on the verge of tears] …and, oh, you know, Jane and I aren't even dating anymore, these things happen though you know, nothing last forever… [Tony starts to push Thor back to his chair] I'm not done yet, the only thing permanent in life is impermanence.
Stark: Awesome. Eggs? Breakfast?
Thor: No. I'd like a Bloody Mary.
Rocket: Quill said he stole the Power Stone from Morag.
Scott: Is that a person?
Rocket: Morag's a planet, Quill was a person.
Scott: A planet? Like in outer space?
Rocket: [Mockingly] Oh, look: it's like a little puppy, all happy and everything. [starts petting Scott] Do you want to go to space? You want to go to space, puppy? I'll take you to space!
Nebula: Thanos found the Soul Stone on Vormir.
Natasha: [in a business-like tone] What is Vormir?
Nebula: A dominion of death, at the very center of Celestial existence. It's where... Thanos murdered my sister.
Scott: Not it.
Natasha: [lying on a paper-filled table] That Time Stone guy…
Banner: [lying down on the floor] Doctor Strange.
Natasha: Yeah, what kind of doctor was he?
Stark: Neuro stuff meets rabbit from a hat. Nice place in the Village, though.
Banner: Yeah. Sullivan Street. [Corrects himself] Hmm– Bleecker.
Natasha: Wait, he lived in New York?
Stark: [Sarcastically] No, he lived in Toronto.
Natasha: Guys, if you pick the right year, there are three Stones in New York.
Banner: [Sits up in surprise] Shut the front door!

View Quote Michael's work isn't done in Haddonfield. And soon, very soon, there come home to kill again. But this time, I'll be ready.

View Quote My name's Tommy. I was only eight years old when I saw him. But I was one of the lucky ones. I survived.

View Quote When Michael Myers was six years old, he stabbed his sister to death. For years he was locked up in Smith's Grove Sanitarium, but he escaped. And suddenly, Halloween became another word for mayhem. One by one, he killed his entire family, until his nine-year-old niece, Jamie Lloyd, was the only one left alive. Six years ago, Halloween night, Michael and Jamie vanished. Many people believed them dead, but I think that someone hid them away. Someone who keeps Michael, protects him... and tries to control him. And if there's one thing I know, you can't control evil. You can lock it up, you can burn it and bury it and pray that it dies, but it never will. It just rests awhile. You can lock your doors, and say your prayers at night, but the evil's out there... waiting. And maybe... just maybe... it's closer than you think.

View Quote Derek: Wow! You really are big.
Ginormica: Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still the girl you fell in love with.
Derek: Except you destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge.
Ginormica: But that was the only way I could defeat the alien robot! Did you ever think I could do that?!
Derek: No, I didn't. I can honestly say that it never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.
Ginormica: Look, I know this is all a little weird - okay, it's a lot weird - but I'm sure we can get through this. Together, we can find a way to get me back to normal.
Derek: Susan, try to look at this from my perspective. I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces. So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo this thing that happened to you, that I had absolutely nothing to do with?
Ginormica: Yes, that's exactly what I expect. What about the life we always wanted? Don't you still want that?
Derek: Of course. I just, don't see... don't see how I can have that with you.
Ginormica: [On the verge of tears] Derek, please. Don't do this.
Derek: You have to face facts, Susan. And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married and spend the rest of my life on someone else's shadow. And you're casting a pretty big shadow. I'm sorry. It's over. Good luck, Susan.

View Quote [Scene pans down to her paresnts' house in a neighborhood and inside, the main protagonist, Susan, is sleeping in her bed. She reaches in for the light turns on her lamp and opened up her eyes. Suddenly, she tries to scream at the bridesmaids.]
Susan: [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bridesmaids: [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bridesmaid 1: [wheezing]
[The slurping comes from one of them drinking coffee and the flashes came from one of them taking pictures.]
Susan: What are you guys doing here? It's 5 o'clock in the morning.
Bridesmaid 1: Hurry, turn on the TV! Turn it on now!
[Susan turns on the TV is set up on the other side of the room where Derek speaks, as Susan and her bridesmaids watch.]
Derek: And some early morning fog, giving way to sunny skies. Seventy-five degrees. A perfect day to stop by the old folk art and craft show down at the fairgrounds, or a perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.
[Susan moves closer to the TV as Derek makes a heart with his hands.]
Derek: I love you, baby.
Susan: I love you, too.
Bridesmaids: Aww.
Woman: Aww.
Derek: And good morning, Modesto!
News Technician: Channel 172.
[Susan and two of her bridesmaids pose for a picture together]

View Quote Derek: [gasps at Susan's glowing face] Wow. You're… glowing.
Susan: [unaware that she’s glowing; sweetly] Thank you.
Derek: No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!
Susan: [looks at her glowing left arm and gasps] Oh, no! [suddenly starts growing with her hair turning white and getting scared of Derek.] [scared] DEREK!!!
[Everyone in the church watches her "growth spurt".]
Wendy: [horrifyingly shocked] OH, MY GOSH!
Derek: [threateningly] WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!
Susan: [scared] YOU'RE ALL SHRINKING!
Derek: [threateningly] UH-UH! YOU'RE GROWING!
Susan: [scared] WELL, MAKE IT STOP!
Priest: Get me the Government! [jumps through the window]
Susan: [scared] THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! NO, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING?![The woman screams and all the people run away from the growing bride]
Susan: [scared] WAIT, WAIT!!! EVERYBODY, IT'S OK! HAVE SOME CHAMPAGNE WHILE WE'RE FIGURING THIS OUT!
Mama Dietl: [trying to open the door and escape] Thumbs! Thumbs!
Susan: [scared] DEREK! HELP ME!

View Quote Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren: [last words before his death] Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Frank: Ah, help me!
Gum: Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
Douche: ****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can]
Douche: [last words before his death] What's happening out there?!
Barry: Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
Coconut Milk: So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
Peanut: [While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory] Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Tampon: Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]

View Quote Frank: [Frank, Carl, Barry and Troy notices that an evil manager named Darren comes to the Sausages and Buns bin] SHIT! It's the Dark Lord!
Carl: Oh no! He's coming!
Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm still fresh, I swear! I'm still FRESH! [Darren takes the Old Pork Sausage and throws it away in the garbage]
Carl: Did he see us?
Frank: No way!
Troy: We're ****, bros!
Barry: Oh God! No! Take anyone, but us! Please! [Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]
Darren: **** you, weenies. [throws a package of screaming sausages into the garbage can; sighs] ****, I hate this **** job!

View Quote Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but **** it, you know? Hole's a hole, bro. [laughs evilly]
Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man! Slap it, slap yourself in the face, man! Oh, man, you lost your mind, is this even, no way, this isn't real. No, this can't be real.
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
[Darren turns around and points to Douche with a 500 S&W Magnum revolver]
Darren: Wha... [gasps in horror] A talking douche!
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no, no, this is too much! This is too much. It's too much, breathe, man!
Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling honestly, the two of us could, like, collaborate together, like a mashup, bro.
Darren: A mashup? I-I don't understand. What's happening?
Douche: You don't need to understand. [Douche unzips Darren's zipper and goes inside his pants.] You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait, what are you, what are you doing?!
[Douche sticks his nozzle up Darren's anus, causing him to groan]
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: DUDE! that went up my ass!
Douche: [laughs] Now, stand up!

View Quote Scott: You've made a big mistake. I'm an Avenger.
Kang: You're an Avenger? Have I killed you before?
Scott: What?
Kang: They all blend together after a while.

View Quote I still can't believe it. None of this should have happened. But it did. It's a pretty good world. I'm glad we saved it.
Do I miss the action? Sometimes.
Would I be there when the Avengers need me? Absolutely.
I'd never turn my back on them — but right now, the only job I want is being a dad.
I love you Cassie — thanks for being my hero — and I'm sorry I missed some birthdays.
For the rest of you kids out there — word of advice: Look out for the little guy. Make mistakes. Take chances. For if there's one thing life's taught me: There's always room to grow.

View Quote [Ron Burgundy walking through the crowd at the pool] Bryan Fantana: Hey, Ron, do you know what chlamydia is?