Danny quotes from Role Models (2008)

Danny

I bet if i suggested a game of Quidditch, he'd **** in his pants.

Ronnie

Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!

Danny

I'm not Ben Affleck!

Ronnie

You white, then you Ben Affleck. Right, Wheeler?

Wheeler

Yeah. You are white.

Danny

That's true, I am white.

Hey! Nice cow outfit, homo! Where can I pick one of those up, the gay zoo?

Danny

Oh no, it's not a cow, it's a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.

Wheeler

She let me keep it after I **** her.

Danny

Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss.

Gayle

You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. You know what I used to eat for lunch? Cocaine.

Wheeler

What'd you have for dinner?

Danny

Was it cocaine?

Danny

Hey, pick us up in two hours.

Ronnie

**** you, Miss Daisy.

Gayle

Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?

Wheeler

In what way are we full of shit?

Danny

Which one of us has the Ph.D?

Danny

Goddamn it, Ronnie!

Ronnie

What? Because I'm black you think I did it?

Danny

No, 'cause you did it is why I think you did it. (Ronnie jumps on tent pole) Let me tell you something, I am not your Big, and I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.

Ronnie

Let's dance, Ben Affleck!

Danny

Man, why do you bow for that guy?

Augie

Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.

Danny

Oh, he rules the entire realm? Oh, my bad. Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?

Augie

Hey, Danny, you wanna come see my turtle?

Danny

I'm fine.

Ronnie

Of course he has a turtle.

Danny

No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

Danny

It's not you, I hate having dinner with people.

Danny

I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shake things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...

Augie

Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed", "You should not be fighting", "You look like a young Marvin Hamlisch". I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed", "I will fight", "Who the **** is Marvin Hamlisch?"

Danny

He wrote the music for The Sting.

Wheeler

That's a good movie.

Beth

Yes, Wheeler?

Wheeler

This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?

Beth

That's not a stupid question.

Danny

It's real in the game of Monopoly.

Wheeler

Yeah it's based on true events.

Danny

Like what?

Wheeler

Chance.

Danny

Do you like coke?

Augie

I like the idea of it more than I actually like it.

Danny

Eight hours down, 142 to go.

Wheeler

This sucks ass.

Danny

Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a **** break.

Gayle

I know why you're here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered.

Danny

Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?

Ronnie

♪ We are the butts of Chip Monk ass. But we got the ass butt, oh yo ass butt! ♪

Wheeler

Come on, sit down! Please! Danny?

Danny

I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it evokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".

Wheeler

Yeah, I know what you need.

Danny

KISS? Are you kidding? Oh, God.

Wheeler

I love KISS.

Danny

No one loves kiss. Paul Stanley is sick of KISS.

Wheeler

Whoa! Don't dis the Star-child.

Danny

Hey, don't get me wrong, alright, I like to rock and roll all night. And part of every day.

Wheeler

Party every day. Rock and roll all night and party every day.

Danny

I like to rock and roll part of every day.

Wheeler

Party every day.

Danny

I usually have errands. I can rock and roll from like one to three.

Wheeler

You know what's great about this job?

Danny

You mean besides nothing?

Wheeler

We're making the world a better place.

Danny

How?

Wheeler

You know, give the kids an energy boost to stay off drugs.

Danny

We're selling them nuclear horse piss for six bucks a can, what an accomplishment.

Wheeler

Feels good, doesn't it. Plus it's totally easy to do hung over. I could do this job forever.

Danny

If I had to do this job forever, I'd put a bullet in my head.

Beth

Danny! What is your problem?

Danny

I'm sorry, alright? I'm not Wheeler, happy in some brainless job. No goals, no ambition.

Beth

You don't know how Wheeler feels. For all you know he hates his job as much as you do.

Wheeler

I love this job!

Hey Wheeler, she's tasting your beast!

Good morning, can I take your order?

Beth

Can I get a tall chai?

Danny

And a large black coffee.

A what?

Danny

Large black coffee.

Do you mean a Venti?

Danny

No, I mean a large.

Beth

He means a Venti. Yeah, the biggest one you got.

Venti is large.

Danny

No, Venti is twenty.

Beth

Danny.

Danny

Yeah. "Large" is large. In fact, "Tall" is large. And "Grandé" is Spanish for "Large."

Beth

Danny?

Danny

Venti's the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. [sarcastically] Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.

Look, dick. Venti is a large coffee.

Danny

Really? Says who? Fellini?

Beth

How much is that? Here's a $10.

Danny

Do you, uh, accept lira, or is it all Euros now?

Beth

You know what, just keep the change. [to Danny, annoyed] Jesus, Dan, you know what they call the sizes here. You know what, you've been picking fights with everybody. The girl at the party--

Danny

She said ASAP.

Beth

Oh, ASAP. Oh, I'm sorry. Huge crime.

Danny

It's like "24/7," or "Been there, done that." You hate that, too.

Beth

I don't hate it enough to let it ruin my day. Ugh. It's getting worse. You know, man, the sun is shining. But you have lost the ability to take any joy in life. I-I can't stand it anymore! You're just a miserable dick now! You're mean to everybody! And F.Y.I. (For your information), it's called a Venti because it's 20 ounces! 20! Venti!

Danny

Is that true?

Danny

She says I take no joy in life.

Wheeler

I can see that.

Danny

I gotta talk to her.

Wheeler

Aw, forget her, man. Let me give you a little motto I live my life by: You gotta hit it and quit it. No ties, tangle free, nobody tells me what to do. I get to bang bang bang the drum.

Danny

That's not a motto, that's... that's just you saying a bunch of things. You know, that's right. I'm a dick. And I'm in a rut. Just going from school to school selling poison to our nation's youth.

Wheeler

It's not poison. It's got juice in it.

Danny

You know what? We're making a detour.

Wheeler

What?

Danny

We're making a detour.

Wheeler

Where?

Danny

We're making a detour.

Wheeler

Why?

Danny

Who is this guy?

Beth

Thank you Mr. Garvin. He's a thief.

Falsely accused.

Danny

Yeah, well, he looks like Phil Collins.

Wheeler

Woo! Taste the beast! Stay off drugs! Minotaur!!

Danny

Drugs. Why do kids take drugs? Because they're awesome? No, maybe they just understand that life is pain and if you smoke something or take a pill it will go away for a while. I'll drink to that.

Wheeler

Dude-dude-dude-dude, come on.

Danny

No, no no, no. People say "Embrace life. Enjoy life. Just do it! Live it! Rock it!" **** it! Because life is horrible. You know, I may not be so happy go lucky, but I'm a realist. Get ready to have your dreams dashed, kids, 'cause nothing's going to work out the way you think it's going to. Gin gin! By the way, this stuff's poison.