Wheeler [from trailer]
What up, Ronnie? It's good to meet you. [sits down] What you drawing there? Oh Beyoncé. She's smoking!
I don't wanna take my pants off!
Wheeler (stunned)
What?
Scenes with Wheeler
24 scenes Wheeler Wheeler 
I'm not Ben Affleck!
You white, then you Ben Affleck. Right, Wheeler?
Wheeler Yeah. You are white.
That's true, I am white.
Kid
Hey! Nice cow outfit, homo! Where can I pick one of those up, the gay zoo?
Oh no, it's not a cow, it's a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.
Wheeler She let me keep it after I **** her.
Wheeler Hey, Martin! What are you doing out here?
Just doin' my perimeter check!
Wheeler Hey, did you know that dinosaurs are not extinct? Because birds are dinosaurs, and they're everywhere.
Okay! [laughing nervously] Now, all right.
Wheeler I gotta pee. I really gotta pee.
Wheeler What the hell? I don't have crabs. What have you been telling them, Ronnie?
You got crabs.
Wheeler You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.
You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. You know what I used to eat for lunch? Cocaine.
Wheeler What'd you have for dinner?
Was it cocaine?
(appropriately hugging Martin)
This is a perfectly acceptable hug between a little and a big. (hugging him from behind) This is not.
Wheeler Well, obviously we're not supposed to butt**** these kids.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?
Wheeler In what way are we full of shit?
Which one of us has the Ph.D?
Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed", "You should not be fighting", "You look like a young Marvin Hamlisch". I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed", "I will fight", "Who the **** is Marvin Hamlisch?"
He wrote the music for The Sting.
Wheeler That's a good movie.
Linda the Teacher
You sit down, young man. You have been a bad boy!
Wheeler I've been bad.
Linda the Teacher
And now you're gonna have to stay after class.
Wheeler Oh, man. Look. Even though this is one of my top four all-time fantasies, I can't, okay? I want to, but I gotta go find my friend.
Linda the Teacher
Oh, yeah? You sure? [she takes off her dress]
Wheeler Oh, my God.
Linda the Teacher
Do what you need to do
Wheeler He'll be fine. He's 10. Come here. Let's go.
Yes, Wheeler?
Wheeler This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?
That's not a stupid question.
It's real in the game of Monopoly.
Wheeler Yeah it's based on true events.
Like what?
Wheeler Chance.
Wheeler Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, and fall towards the earth while rotating, separating almost before they crash into the ground, if and only if they consummate their bird ****. If they don't, they are willing to accept their death by hard ground. It's the ultimate race against the clock.
Why are you telling me this?
Wheeler Why would I not?
Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.
Wheeler Are you the coach?
I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.
Wheeler (Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo)
You see, Ronnie? His dick is the gun!
Eight hours down, 142 to go.
Wheeler This sucks ass.
Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a **** break.
♪ We are the butts of Chip Monk ass. But we got the ass butt, oh yo ass butt! ♪
Wheeler Come on, sit down! Please! Danny?
I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it evokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".
Wheeler Yeah, I know what you need.
KISS? Are you kidding? Oh, God.
Wheeler I love KISS.
No one loves kiss. Paul Stanley is sick of KISS.
Wheeler Whoa! Don't dis the Star-child.
Hey, don't get me wrong, alright, I like to rock and roll all night. And part of every day.
Wheeler Party every day. Rock and roll all night and party every day.
I like to rock and roll part of every day.
Wheeler Party every day.
I usually have errands. I can rock and roll from like one to three.
Wheeler You know what's great about this job?
You mean besides nothing?
Wheeler We're making the world a better place.
How?
Wheeler You know, give the kids an energy boost to stay off drugs.
We're selling them nuclear horse piss for six bucks a can, what an accomplishment.
Wheeler Feels good, doesn't it. Plus it's totally easy to do hung over. I could do this job forever.
If I had to do this job forever, I'd put a bullet in my head.
Wheeler What's up, minotards?
Mitch
What's up, Wheeler?
Wheeler My dick!
Danny! What is your problem?
I'm sorry, alright? I'm not Wheeler, happy in some brainless job. No goals, no ambition.
You don't know how Wheeler feels. For all you know he hates his job as much as you do.
Wheeler I love this job!
Guy
Hey Wheeler, she's tasting your beast!
She says I take no joy in life.
Wheeler I can see that.
I gotta talk to her.
Wheeler Aw, forget her, man. Let me give you a little motto I live my life by: You gotta hit it and quit it. No ties, tangle free, nobody tells me what to do. I get to bang bang bang the drum.
That's not a motto, that's... that's just you saying a bunch of things. You know, that's right. I'm a dick. And I'm in a rut. Just going from school to school selling poison to our nation's youth.
Wheeler It's not poison. It's got juice in it.
You know what? We're making a detour.
Wheeler What?
We're making a detour.
Wheeler Where?
We're making a detour.
Wheeler Why?
Wheeler (in a Minotaur suit)
Woo! Taste the beast! Stay off drugs! Minotaur!!
Drugs. Why do kids take drugs? Because they're awesome? No, maybe they just understand that life is pain and if you smoke something or take a pill it will go away for a while. I'll drink to that.
Wheeler (in a Minotaur suit)
Dude-dude-dude-dude, come on.
No, no no, no. People say "Embrace life. Enjoy life. Just do it! Live it! Rock it!" **** it! Because life is horrible. You know, I may not be so happy go lucky, but I'm a realist. Get ready to have your dreams dashed, kids, 'cause nothing's going to work out the way you think it's going to. Gin gin! By the way, this stuff's poison.
