2nd most-quoted character in Bulletproof Monk (2003): in 22 of its 50 quotes
Most scenes with: Monk With No Name (14), Jade (2)
Enough with all this fortune-cookie philosophy, okay? This is America. We don't have enlightenment here. We have Big Macs, strip clubs, shopping malls, Las Vegas and HBO! You got it?
Kar And by the way, I got the answer to your little question from last night. [The monk inquires curtly] Yeah. Check this out. The reason hot dogs come in packages of ten but hot dog buns come in packages of just eight is so you'll always need more buns for your hot dogs. Because no matter how much you get, how much you achieve, how many times you win... You can never, ever let yourself feel like it's enough. [The monk bluntly disagrees]
Kar So, I figured it out. Why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan. So be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.
Kar Man, if I knew I was gonna pay, I wouldn't have cabbed it.
Kar Well, my boss doesn't seem to be here. Which means you don't get to watch me get yelled at.
Kar You son of a bitch. You just lost my whole stash.
Be happy. You helped save a human life.
Kar Yeah, well, last time I checked there's no reward for that. Tell me, how did you do that back there?
Practice.
Kar Who the hell are you, anyway?
That's not the question you need to ask. You should be asking yourself who you are. Your mind is filled with compassion. That's why you risked your life to help the child. But your mind is also impure. So you forget the spiritual reward and think only of the financial. Well, if you're so pure, why were all those guys in suits chasing you?
It doesn't concern you.
Kar Let me guess, FBI, CIA, INS.
I said it doesn't concern you.
Kar Unbelievable. [Walks off]
I'm sorry! [Kar stops, walks back with Monk With No Name walking up] Every man's life concerns every other man, especially if he is on the noble path to true enlightenment. [Extends a hand] Can you accept my apology?
Kar Apology accepted. [Hugs Monk With No Name and steals Monk's scroll] Thanks for helping me.
No problem, man.
You're boosting in the wrong turf!
Get your punk ass over here! Finger man here calls himself Kar. He got caught ripping off marks at the Bishop Square subway station!
Kar I'm supposed to pay you for the right to rip people off?
That's right. 60% off the top. This entitles you to squatter's right in Mr. Funktastic's cribs chow at his greasy spoons, and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic and his crew.
And that's us.
Kar You know, it's really enticing. But if this is an example of a Funktastic crib, I'm gonna check myself into a Motel 6. [All Funktastic goons laugh]
That's good. Pretty funny. [Punches Kar in abdomen] You'd be a corpse already, mate, if not for the fact I heard you're an exceptionally good earner. Maybe I heard wrong. In which case, you're nothing to me, mate. You're less than nothing. Around here, less than nothing means dead.
Kar You heard right about me. I just... I need some time to think over your offer. [Reaches into jacket] In the meantime, take this. [Holds out Monk's scroll] It's okay. An offer of good faith.
What do you think I am, Kar, a bloody tourist? [Throws scroll to thug who throws it indfferently over shoulder] You come down here and try and palm that made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop piece of shit off on me? You got big orchestras, mate. Too bad I have to cut them off.
Kar I have no idea what you just said.
Your balls. He's gonna cut off your balls. [All goons jump near Kar attempting to assault Kar who fights them all off]
Kar You're just so damn beautiful, especially when you're angry.
Approaches Congratulations on your victory. Though, technically, you were saved by a girl. It was your charm that convinced the girl to lead them away.
Kar Hey, Mr. Do-gooder, if you were watching the whole thing back there, how come you didn't help me out?
Because you stole from me.
Kar Oh, yeah. That.
But your fighting is very impressive. Where do you study?
Kar Golden Palace.
Golden Palace? You studied with the venerable fighting monks of Jinn Gong?
Kar Whatever, man. Look, it's been really great spending more quality time with you and all that, but I gotta run, okay? Sorry about stealing your whatever the hell that is. Good luck with that enlightenment stuff. [Walks off]
The most undisciplined youth I have ever laid eyes on.
Hey, shit! Come on! Let's go!
Kar Relax, folks. Enjoy the intermission. We have warm soda, stale popcorn, and dried seaweed snacks at the concession.
Hey, dickweed! Fix it!
Kar I'm on it. I'm on it.
You missed the reel change. Anybody asks for their money back, I'm adding it to your rent.
Kar They already saw half of it.
And I'm through taking your messages! My name is Kojima, not Sony, Sanyo, Toshiba.
Kar Whoever heard of a Japanese guy owning a Chinese movie theater anyway?
I heard that, you smart-ass! You have two choices, Kar. You can sit on your butt and do nothing or fly like a phoenix from the ashes of your pathetic life.
Kar I'm flying! (x2) People, relax!
Come on, projection boy! Hey, I'm tired of the white screen! Give me some color here! Hey!
So, this is the Golden Palace where you learn how to fight.
Kar What the hell are you doing here?
I should have known from your sloppy technique.
Kar This is my place, okay? Get out right now.
An enlightened man would offer a humble traveler shelter for the night and share a quiet conversation over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.
Kar Really? [Places bottle on counter, and walks up to Monk] Well, I guess I ain't that enlightened. 'Cause I was thinking more of kicking your freaky ass back to wherever the hell it comes from.
For someone who says he wants to kick my freaky ass, you do a lot of talking.
Kar Really? Well, I warned you, old man. [Starts fighting match]
Kar Okay. Fine. Guess I can't make you get out.
I overheard people calling you Kar.
Kar Spelled with a K. It's Cantonese.
Funny. You don't look Cantonese.
Kar It means “family”, okay? I figure I never had one growing up, but from now on I'll never be without it.
I'm afraid you are mispronouncing your name, sir. It should sound more like “Ga”.
Kar Look, it's my name, okay? I'll pronounce it however I want. What about you? What's your name?
I don't have one.
Kar What do you mean?
You gave yourself a name. I gave mine up.
Hey, you! Kar!
Kar Hey. You don't quite look like the bad girl you did last night.
My necklace.
Kar Excuse me?
Last night, I lost my necklace. Something tells me you may have an idea of how I can get it back.
Kar Well, I guess I could keep my eyes and my ears open. What's in it for me?
It belonged to my mom. It's important to me.
Kar I guess I'd owe you one.
Who is your friend?
Kar Him? He's my personal bodyguard. Watches my back. He's an incredibly deadly Shaolin monk. Ten fingers, ten toes. Twenty reasons to die.
Shaolin monks shave their heads every day. You're no Shaolin monk. Tibetan Buddhist, maybe?
This young lady is nobody's fool.
Thank you. So why are you really hanging out wth him?
Somehow I sense he has potential.
Really? I sense he's mostly full of shit.
But rich manure can fertilize fields which will feed millions.
Kar How did you do that?
The Air! You can't see it but it's there... it fills your lungs! Air is as real as you and me... it's as real and the same as blood or flesh or bone or earth or water. Once you understand and realize this... you treat the air the same way as you treat other things. You step on it as you would a stone, you swim through it as you would the sea. And all you have to do is truly believe.
Kar Believe what, that the laws of gravity don't exist?
If... You... Truly... Believe... That... They... Don't... [shakes head] ..Then ...They ...Don't.
Kar You can at least tell me why those guys were chasing you
All right. [Throws off coat] Let me put it in a language you will understand.
Kar Okay.
Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten while hot dog buns come in packages of just eight?
Kar What? What the hell is that? You can't answer my question with another question, especially not one as stupid as that!
When you attain the state of enlightenment that allows you to answer my question, I will answer yours.
Kar Hey, I like this. It's cool. It's comfy. It's fast acting. This stuff is great. What is it?
Homemade. From my own urine.
Kar That's disgusting!
You must learn the unity of opposites. Be mobile and stationary. Defensive and offensive. You attack with all the wrong weapons, Kar. It is not about anger. It's about peace. [Kar makes amateurish martal arts fighting poses, then the Monk With No Name grabs Kar's finger and twists Kar's arm with him groaning] It's not about power. It's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy. It's all about knowing yourself.
Kar How'd you do that?
The air. You can't see it, but it fills your lungs. It's as real as blood or flesh or bone or earth, or water. Once you realize this, you treat the air the same way. You step on it as you would a stone. You swim through it as you would the sea. And all you have to do is believe.
Kar Believe what? The laws of gravity don't exist?
If you truly believe that they don't, then they don't.
Kar So, who are these guys after the scroll? Mercenaries led by a Nazi.
A hungry ghost obsessed with the past. [Speaks Punjabi to cabbie] Never fear, never inflict fear.
God is true and timeless! [In English] You speak like you were born in the Punjab, my friend. In fact, I would say you were a follower of the Guru's path yourself but...
Do you guys like this music?
Yeah!
It's the bomb diggity. [Phone rings] Excuse me, I have to talk to my baby-mamma-to-be.
Go ahead. [To Kar] In Kashmir, I studied the enlightened teachings of the Gurus until Strucker found me again.
Kar Strucker? He's the leader?
His dream is to remake the world in his own image. Every race, creed, color he deems inferior, destroyed. Total genocide.
Kar If all this insanity is even remotely true, you should've let me die and saved the scroll.
I place great value on your life, but not as much as I place on the life of the world.
It's a recipe for noodle soup.
Noodle soup? [Strucker motions to Nina to come closer]
You may be my granddaughter, but that will only protect you for so long.
Kar Then where's the scroll? On my body. In my soul.
I've been running for a long time. Too many close calls. The scroll needed to be someplace safe.
Kar So you've been protecting the scroll for, like, 60 years? Look at you. You haven't aged one bit.
Whoever is entrusted with the scroll gains the trust of time. If you become ill, you will recover. If injured, you will heal. He who protects the scroll is protected by it.
Kar, over here. I'm sorry, Kar. I should have never gotten you involved. I just...
Kar You just what?
I had a crazy notion that maybe you could fulfill a prophecy once told to me by another old man before he died. They are never going to stop until they get me and the scroll. Go someplace safe and forget about all of this.
Kar You led me to the path I should have chosen.
Thank you, Kar. Isn't it customary to call a girl before you show up at her house?
Kar Yeah. I figured it's in the middle of the night. If I call her up, she might say, No way in hell. If I show up in person, she's not gonna say no to my charming face. You know what, man? I'm not taking advice about women from a monk.
Kar Hiding here for the night? Bad idea. [Monk pulls Kar aside]
You must trust your instincts. Where could we be safer than in a house surrounded by guards?
Kar So how we gonna get in, genius?
Why ask me? You are the thief.
Okay. The two principles of every rip-off are misdirection and speed.
Kar How about a boost?
How about you do this one on your own?
Kar You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Very much. Do it. Yeah.
Kar Okay, forget everything you've ever learned about how the universe operates. I can step on the air like a stone, swim through it like the sea. All I gotta do is believe. [Exhales, then successfully flies up to window]
Not bad.
Kar [Climbs in] Well, well, well, what do we have here? Lover of weird insects and deadly reptiles.
