Funktastic quotes from Bulletproof Monk (2003)

View Quote Funktastic's the name and profit's the game. See, I'm a businessman. And my fiscal policy toward crime consists of two words, zero tolerance. Unless, of course, the criminal in question has an officially authorized franchise. And you ain't got one.

View Quote [Kicks Kar off Jade when fighting] That's my bird.

View Quote Funktastic goon 1: [Punches Kar in the face] You're boosting in the wrong turf!
Funktastic goon 2: [Grabbing and manhandling Kar] Get your punk ass over here! Finger man here calls himself Kar. He got caught ripping off marks at the Bishop Square subway station!
Kar: [To Funktastic] I'm supposed to pay you for the right to rip people off?
Funktastic goon 1: That's right. 60% off the top. This entitles you to squatter's right in Mr. Funktastic's cribs chow at his greasy spoons, and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic and his crew.
Funktastic goon 1: And that's us.
Kar: You know, it's really enticing. But if this is an example of a Funktastic crib, I'm gonna check myself into a Motel 6. [All Funktastic goons laugh]
Funktastic: That's good. Pretty funny. [Punches Kar in abdomen] You'd be a corpse already, mate, if not for the fact I heard you're an exceptionally good earner. Maybe I heard wrong. In which case, you're nothing to me, mate. You're less than nothing. Around here, less than nothing means dead.
Kar: You heard right about me. I just... I need some time to think over your offer. [Reaches into jacket] In the meantime, take this. [Holds out Monk's scroll] It's okay. An offer of good faith.
Funktastic: [Takes scroll from Kar] What do you think I am, Kar, a bloody tourist? [Throws scroll to thug who throws it indfferently over shoulder] You come down here and try and palm that made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop piece of shit off on me? You got big orchestras, mate. Too bad I have to cut them off.
Kar: I have no idea what you just said.
Funktastic goon 3: Your balls. He's gonna cut off your balls. [All goons jump near Kar attempting to assault Kar who fights them all off]

View Quote Funktastic goons: Come on, man! Come on, Mr. F, take him! Get it? Got him. Yeah, where you going now, baby? He's kind of nice. Yeah, work it. Shit. You're over! Got no fancy shit now, huh? It is over.
Jade: [On Funktastic's back with arms on his shoulders] Hey, come on. I'm bored with beating on this loser. Besides, fighting always gets me hot.
Funktastic: Lucky for you, this little bit of crumpet's come begging for some of my funktastic love. Me or my people ever see you boosting in our territory again, mate, I'm gonna snip your Hampton clean off, mince it up and serve it as a shish kebab. Now piss off.

View Quote Jade: [Funktastic buries face into Jade's neck who pushes him off] Not so fast.
Funktastic: [Pokes her] Not so fast? I've been trying to get down with you for a bloody long right time, and every time we're about to go all the way you up and run out on me. Nobody knows where you go, what you do. [Pokes her] No one knows anything about you.
Jade: [Pulls his necklace] You know I'm worth waiting for. [Jade ties him with chains] Sorry, baby. You're on my list, but you're not at the top.
Funktastic: What? [Jade sends him up on elevator] Piss off, you little tart.