Bulletproof Monk (2003) quotes

View Quote Audience: [Annoyed at film reel giving out] Hey, shit! Come on! Let's go!
Kar: Relax, folks. Enjoy the intermission. We have warm soda, stale popcorn, and dried seaweed snacks at the concession.
Audience man: Hey, dickweed! Fix it!
Kar: I'm on it. I'm on it.
Mr. Kojima: You missed the reel change. Anybody asks for their money back, I'm adding it to your rent.
Kar: They already saw half of it.
Mr. Kojima: And I'm through taking your messages! My name is Kojima, not Sony, Sanyo, Toshiba.
Kar: Whoever heard of a Japanese guy owning a Chinese movie theater anyway?
Mr. Kojima: I heard that, you smart-ass! You have two choices, Kar. You can sit on your butt and do nothing or fly like a phoenix from the ashes of your pathetic life.
Kar: I'm flying! (x2) People, relax!
Audience man: Come on, projection boy! Hey, I'm tired of the white screen! Give me some color here! Hey!

View Quote Funktastic goon 1: [Punches Kar in the face] You're boosting in the wrong turf!
Funktastic goon 2: [Grabbing and manhandling Kar] Get your punk ass over here! Finger man here calls himself Kar. He got caught ripping off marks at the Bishop Square subway station!
Kar: [To Funktastic] I'm supposed to pay you for the right to rip people off?
Funktastic goon 1: That's right. 60% off the top. This entitles you to squatter's right in Mr. Funktastic's cribs chow at his greasy spoons, and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic and his crew.
Funktastic goon 1: And that's us.
Kar: You know, it's really enticing. But if this is an example of a Funktastic crib, I'm gonna check myself into a Motel 6. [All Funktastic goons laugh]
Funktastic: That's good. Pretty funny. [Punches Kar in abdomen] You'd be a corpse already, mate, if not for the fact I heard you're an exceptionally good earner. Maybe I heard wrong. In which case, you're nothing to me, mate. You're less than nothing. Around here, less than nothing means dead.
Kar: You heard right about me. I just... I need some time to think over your offer. [Reaches into jacket] In the meantime, take this. [Holds out Monk's scroll] It's okay. An offer of good faith.
Funktastic: [Takes scroll from Kar] What do you think I am, Kar, a bloody tourist? [Throws scroll to thug who throws it indfferently over shoulder] You come down here and try and palm that made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop piece of shit off on me? You got big orchestras, mate. Too bad I have to cut them off.
Kar: I have no idea what you just said.
Funktastic goon 3: Your balls. He's gonna cut off your balls. [All goons jump near Kar attempting to assault Kar who fights them all off]

View Quote Funktastic goons: Come on, man! Come on, Mr. F, take him! Get it? Got him. Yeah, where you going now, baby? He's kind of nice. Yeah, work it. Shit. You're over! Got no fancy shit now, huh? It is over.
Jade: [On Funktastic's back with arms on his shoulders] Hey, come on. I'm bored with beating on this loser. Besides, fighting always gets me hot.
Funktastic: Lucky for you, this little bit of crumpet's come begging for some of my funktastic love. Me or my people ever see you boosting in our territory again, mate, I'm gonna snip your Hampton clean off, mince it up and serve it as a shish kebab. Now piss off.

View Quote Jade: Excuse me?
Mr. Kojima: Yes?
Jade: I'm looking for someone. His name is Kar. I asked around and I heard that he works here.
Mr. Kojima: What's a pretty girl like you want to see him for?
Jade: I think that he may be in trouble.
Mr. Kojima: Oh, damn right, he is in trouble. Half the day has gone by and he still hasn't got back with tonight's movie.
Jade: So you're saying that you haven't seen him all day?
Mr. Kojima: Don't worry. Kar can take care of himself. That's part of why I trust him to help me.
Jade: What's the other part?
Mr. Kojima: I just don't know why, but I keep thinking that kid's got potential. So they tell me.
Jade: [Writes out a note] Will you make sure that he gets this?
Mr. Kojima: What am I, a secretary?
Jade: Please.
Mr. Kojima: You're welcome. [Reads note, reciting] “Bad Girl”? [Casually shrugs and resumes task]

View Quote Jade: Excuse me?
Nina: Yes?
Jade: Do you ever worry that some of the people that come here may be inspired?
Nina: I hope each and every person who comes here will be inspired.
Jade: I mean, inspired to do it again.
Nina: Oh. Well, granted. There are an awful lot of sick people in this world. But, thankfully, most of them don't attend our functions.
Jade: I have an idea. How about instead of showing atrocity, you do an exhibit that shows man's humanity towards man?
Nina: You don't help anyone by shielding them from reality. [Showing Jade a picture of a refugee kneeling in front of a man with a rifle] Tell me. Deep down inside, in the very bottom of your soul, who would you choose to be? The one about to be shot or the one about to do the shooting? I really must go. It's been a pleasure.

View Quote Jade: Hey, you! Kar!
Kar: Hey. You don't quite look like the bad girl you did last night.
Jade: My necklace.
Kar: Excuse me?
Jade: Last night, I lost my necklace. Something tells me you may have an idea of how I can get it back.
Kar: Well, I guess I could keep my eyes and my ears open. What's in it for me?
Jade: It belonged to my mom. It's important to me.
Kar: I guess I'd owe you one.
Jade: Who is your friend?
Kar: Him? He's my personal bodyguard. Watches my back. He's an incredibly deadly Shaolin monk. Ten fingers, ten toes. Twenty reasons to die.
Jade: Shaolin monks shave their heads every day. You're no Shaolin monk. Tibetan Buddhist, maybe?
Monk With No Name: This young lady is nobody's fool.
Jade: Thank you. So why are you really hanging out wth him?
Monk With No Name: Somehow I sense he has potential.
Jade: Really? I sense he's mostly full of shit.
Monk With No Name: But rich manure can fertilize fields which will feed millions.

View Quote Jade: [Funktastic buries face into Jade's neck who pushes him off] Not so fast.
Funktastic: [Pokes her] Not so fast? I've been trying to get down with you for a bloody long right time, and every time we're about to go all the way you up and run out on me. Nobody knows where you go, what you do. [Pokes her] No one knows anything about you.
Jade: [Pulls his necklace] You know I'm worth waiting for. [Jade ties him with chains] Sorry, baby. You're on my list, but you're not at the top.
Funktastic: What? [Jade sends him up on elevator] Piss off, you little tart.

View Quote Jade: [On top of Kar fighting him] What the hell are you looking at?
Kar: You're just so damn beautiful, especially when you're angry.

View Quote Kar: You can at least tell me why those guys were chasing you
Monk With No Name: All right. [Throws off coat] Let me put it in a language you will understand.
Kar: [Softly] Okay.
Monk With No Name: Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten while hot dog buns come in packages of just eight?
Kar: What? What the hell is that? You can't answer my question with another question, especially not one as stupid as that!
Monk With No Name: When you attain the state of enlightenment that allows you to answer my question, I will answer yours.

View Quote Kar: You led me to the path I should have chosen.
Monk With No Name: Thank you, Kar. Isn't it customary to call a girl before you show up at her house?
Kar: Yeah. I figured it's in the middle of the night. If I call her up, she might say, No way in hell. If I show up in person, she's not gonna say no to my charming face. You know what, man? I'm not taking advice about women from a monk.
Monk With No Name: [Puts hand on Kar's shoulder] I wasn't born a monk. Nobody is. [They both laugh]

View Quote Kar: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Monk With No Name: Very much. Do it. Yeah.
Kar: [Exhales] Okay, forget everything you've ever learned about how the universe operates. I can step on the air like a stone, swim through it like the sea. All I gotta do is believe. [Exhales, then successfully flies up to window]
Monk With No Name: Not bad.
Kar [Climbs in] Well, well, well, what do we have here? Lover of weird insects and deadly reptiles.

View Quote Kar: [After Monk defies gravity by hovering in the air before floating back down] How did you do that?
Monk With No Name: The Air! You can't see it but it's there... it fills your lungs! Air is as real as you and me... it's as real and the same as blood or flesh or bone or earth or water. Once you understand and realize this... you treat the air the same way as you treat other things. You step on it as you would a stone, you swim through it as you would the sea. And all you have to do is truly believe.
Kar: Believe what, that the laws of gravity don't exist?
Monk With No Name: [Smugly] If... You... Truly... Believe... That... They... Don't... [shakes head] ..Then ...They ...Don't.

View Quote Kar: [Gets into taxi-cab playing Bhangra song Mundian To Bach Ke by Punjabi MC with no words] So, who are these guys after the scroll? Mercenaries led by a Nazi.
Monk With No Name: A hungry ghost obsessed with the past. [Speaks Punjabi to cabbie] Never fear, never inflict fear.
Cabbie: [In Punjabi] God is true and timeless! [In English] You speak like you were born in the Punjab, my friend. In fact, I would say you were a follower of the Guru's path yourself but...
Monk With No Name: [Pats top of head] I know. Not enough hair.
Cabbie: Do you guys like this music?
Kar and Monk With No Name: Yeah!
Cabbie: It's the bomb diggity. [Phone rings] Excuse me, I have to talk to my baby-mamma-to-be.
Monk With No Name: Go ahead. [To Kar] In Kashmir, I studied the enlightened teachings of the Gurus until Strucker found me again.
Kar: Strucker? He's the leader?
Monk With No Name: His dream is to remake the world in his own image. Every race, creed, color he deems inferior, destroyed. Total genocide.
Kar: If all this insanity is even remotely true, you should've let me die and saved the scroll.
Monk With No Name: I place great value on your life, but not as much as I place on the life of the world.
[Scene cuts to Nina with Strucker reading the scroll]
Nina: Well?
Strucker: It's a recipe for noodle soup.
Nina: Noodle soup? [Strucker motions to Nina to come closer]
Strucker: You may be my granddaughter, but that will only protect you for so long.
[Scene cuts back to taxi-cab]
Kar: Then where's the scroll? On my body. In my soul.
Monk With No Name: I've been running for a long time. Too many close calls. The scroll needed to be someplace safe.
Kar: So you've been protecting the scroll for, like, 60 years? Look at you. You haven't aged one bit.
Monk With No Name: Whoever is entrusted with the scroll gains the trust of time. If you become ill, you will recover. If injured, you will heal. He who protects the scroll is protected by it.

View Quote Kar: [Monk is applying ointment on Kar's hand] Hey, I like this. It's cool. It's comfy. It's fast acting. This stuff is great. What is it?
Monk With No Name: Homemade. From my own urine.
Kar: [Sniffs his hand] That's disgusting!

View Quote Kar: [Standing at palatial residence entrance gate] Hiding here for the night? Bad idea. [Monk pulls Kar aside]
Monk With No Name: You must trust your instincts. Where could we be safer than in a house surrounded by guards?
Kar: So how we gonna get in, genius?
Monk With No Name: Why ask me? You are the thief.
Monk With No Name: Okay. The two principles of every rip-off are misdirection and speed.