Crash It's a beautiful day out here on the ice as father meets daughter in a quest for hockey supremacy.
It's Peaches meets Manny.
Crash Mammoth meets mammoth.
Crash Meema me moo-ma.
Crash M-okay.
The blazing mammoth takes it on the breakaway. There's never been a player so tough, so graceful.
He fakes right. He fakes left.
He fakes knowing how to play. What's wrong? Lose something?
CA Crash and Eddie
Hey, what's that stink I smell out there? It's Manny! Hey, hey. It's Manny! Whoo! You stink!
Okay, Fuzzball. Let's see what you got.
Yes! She dominates! Again.
Oh, please. I went easy on you. It's called good parenting.
Yeah, right. Face it. I rule the ice now.
Oh, you talk a big game, hotshot. All right, how about best of three?
Whoo-hoo! Yes! Touchdown! Wait, no, that's not right. Not touchdown. What is it? Uh, hole-in-one! Whoo!
Honey, I scored! Did you see me?
Yeah! And you were amazing.
Oh, the ice is really icy. It's like super-sized, extra value icy. But I'm getting better, right?
Okay, we'll play... later.
So, she whupped your butt again, huh?
And with a butt that size, that's a whole lot of whuppin'.
Nobody was whupped. There was no whupping. It's just a loving father sharing some strategy with his only daughter.
Didn't know sucking was a strategy.
Crash Okay, it's our turn.
Let's show them how it's done!
Crash You're going down, eh?
Ta-ta-da-da! For you, my mom-in-law-to-be. Buttercups! Nature's sunshine.
Isn't sunshine nature's sunshine?
Aw! Thank you, Julian. It's been so long since anyone's given me flowers. But you're marrying our daughter. You don't have to keep bringing us presents.
But it makes me happy. And for you, my guru, my rock, my main mammoth! To you, I give the greatest gift of all.
Wait. What are you doing?
Come on, Bro-Dad. Bring it in.
Oh! I can feel your heart beating.
Okay. That's enough of that.
You better get used to it. They'll be living right next door.
Come on, Julian. Wanna go?
Actually, weren't you gonna help me with the thing?
Oh! Right. The thing. Gotta do the thing.
Hey! Why don't you go do a guy thing? You know, you don't spend nearly enough time with your friends.
I'll see you later. () On this special day.
Have you told them about our decision yet?
No. I'm waiting for the right time.
Come on, Romeo. Walk with me. I'm gonna watch some butterflies come out of their cocoons.
Aw! I remember when Manny and I used to be like that.
Not me! Love them and leave them, and take half of everything. That's my motto.
[crying]
All I wanted is true love. Is that too much to ask? [crying]
Because the world is mourning my loss. [screams]
Ellie? Peaches? Where is everyone?
CA Crash and Eddie
Ta-da!
Happy Anniversary, honey!
Anniversary? [realized] Oh, no. That's the thing.
Okay! Now it's your turn, Bro-Dad!
Crash We wanna see what you got, Ellie.
A All
Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny.
Hey, hey. Right. Uh... So, how about another hand for Ellie?
MM Male Molehog
Yeah. Oh.
FD Female Diatryma
He forgot!
FG Female Guest
I feel so bad for Ellie.
MM Male Molehog
He didn't forget. That's how big Manny's love is for her!
MA Manny and Sid
Nice save with the light show. Wait, you didn't do this? Then who did?
Oh, Manny. I was so afraid you'd forgotten. But you lit up the sky for me? How'd you do it?
Uh, well... A magician never reveals his secrets.
I keep picturing our own kid in there. He'd be the best one.
Either way, we've been over this, Diego. Kids are afraid of us.
L Lily
Are they gonna eat us?
DA Diego and Shira
Hi, kids!
Wow, Dad. Best present ever.
You, sir, are an education in marital excellence. I'm really gonna miss you guys when we leave.
Um, actually, I haven't told them yet.
I thought you guys were gonna live with us the first couple of years.
I know. But Julian and I kind of want to roam for a while.
Yeah! Travel, explore, just go wherever. No plan is the best plan. That's my philosophy. Hors d'oeuvres?
That's not a plan, or a philosophy or very safe.
Dad, we're young. We can worry about being safe when we're old and boring. Like you and Mom.
I think we should just...
Excuse me! This is a family discussion.
But aren't I part of your family?
Uh...Does that look like a problem to you?
A ball of fire heading directly towards us? Why would that be a problem?
What if you fall in a ditch and get amnesia? What then, huh?
Manny, we have a problem.
Not now. I have a problem.
D Digeo
This one's a little bigger.
Uh, okay. Party's over, everybody. Have a good night. And leave right now!
What are you talking about? The party just got started.
Yeah. [yawns] Just getting kind of sleepy. Everyone should go. And duck. Possibly cover!
Hey, what's gotten into you?
MS Male Start
Look! There's more coming!
MM Male Macrauchenia
Meteor shower!
Crash Shower?
MM Male Molehog
Manny's love is killing us!
I suppose this is all part of your magic show for me?
Can you guys deal with this later?
Come on. We need to take cover.
Crash Whoo-hoo! I'm on fire!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Me too! We're smoking hot, baby!
Crash Incoming!
Those are ours! Are you okay? How many tusks do you see?
Crash Tree.
Crash No! Tree!
The cave! Get inside! Move! Move! It's okay, sweetheart. Daddy's...
Hey, it sounds like it's slowing down. Yup, it's definitely over. [chuckling nervously] [A meteor crashes in front of him, which obscures smoke on the screen. The smoke clears. Ellie turns Sid around, revealing him to be half burnt] Except for that one.
We might wanna think about moving underground for a while.
Crash Bye, Buck!
Right on the spleen! Utterly useless, but totally hurts.
[laughs]
Hey, Buck. Welcome back, buddy.
Wait. This half-a-snack is the dinosaur whisperer?
And expert salsa dancer. [scats] Whoo! I have one eye but all my original teeth. Would you like to count them? [shows his teeth] Ah...
And this must be Nectarine.
Semantics, my dear. I am deeply honored.
Sweet eye patch. Very gangsta.
Thank you. [to Peaches] I like this kid.
Buck. What are you doing here?
Well, I... [stops to stare at Stump for a moment then zips close to it] What? I'm trying! But how do you tell someone they're doomed? [to the mammals] He's stumped.
We're not doomed, Buck. It was just a meteor shower, and the show's over.
[hops close to Manny's face]
Oh, quite the contrary, old chap. It's just beginning. You see, I found a prophecy.
[?] [Crash & Eddie keep drumming all the time until Manny takes the drum sticks away, much to their disbelief]
Do you mind?
Crash Boy, he really sucks the fun out of everything. Doesn't he?
I read this tablet front to back. And the story it tells is very disturbing. Every hundred million years or so, the world gets a cosmic cleansing. Before the dinosaurs, there were these horseshoe crab-looking thingies. Ugh! Yuck. Then, at the bottom of this mountain range, an asteroid hit. Boom! Bye-bye. Next, dinosaurs, mountain range, asteroid. Boom! Bye-bye. And coming up next, mammals. Mountain range, asteroid, boom! Bye-bye.
[chuckles]
Stupid mammals.
Crash That's us.
Yep, and there she is. The mother of all asteroids screaming towards us. Even going underground won't save us this time.
Hey, that wasn't there before. And look what it's doing to the sky.
No worries. Because I've got a plan.
Really? To stop an asteroid?
[shows the tablets on the prophecy]
Look, the last two asteroids have pummeled the Earth in the same spot. And it's about to happen again. We've got to go there and see what's attracting the asteroid. Once we know why it's coming, we can figure out how to send it somewhere else.
That plan is so dumb, I wish it had a face so I could smack it.
Let me get this straight. Instead of running away from a deadly asteroid, you want us to run directly towards it?
I know it sounds suboptimal, but the good news is it'll kill us no matter where we went. Well, that's reassuring.
Okay, but even if we get to the crash site, how are we supposed to change what is literally written in stone?
Ah, my cynical friend. The dinos were wiped off the face of the Earth, but some escaped. They changed their fate, and we can change ours, too. Who's with me?
[the Herd all look at each other, then quickly huddle in]
So, what do you think?
Honestly, I'm worried the weasel's right.
[in high-pitched voice]
No! Don't listen to the weasel. He's a raving loon! [in normal voice] Sorry. I just love playing devil's advocate. And looking fabulous!
Well, Buck has saved our lives before, right?
But what if he can't this time?
I don't know what to believe. But I'm afraid our lives will be over before they begin.
CA Crash and Eddie
[salute in unison chorus.]
Crash and Eddie reporting for duty.
[laughs]
Doody. [he and Crash laugh]
Excellent! And dirty word processed. Now, we better get on the road because time till impact is roughly...2 days, 4 hours, 1 minute and 16 seconds. 15 seconds, 14 seconds...
I think we're all gonna get it.
Whoo! We look so cool. Whoa!
[???] [roaring]
Where is he? When I am through with that one-eyed weasel...he's going to need two eye patches.
I admire your bloodthirstitude, Gertie. But you heard them. An asteroid is coming. This changes things.
Holy freezballs! It's freezing up here. Parts are retracting into other parts.
Would you please stop acting like a parakeet?
It's a good thing you got your mother's eyes... or you'd be totally useless.
Well, that's just hurtful. '[screams]
[sighs]
Nothing. Nothing. Deadly asteroid screaming towards Earth. Wait! There he is. That's too bad. He is really far away. Probably too far to reach by flight. [snaps his fingers] Oh, well. Let's just go home.
We are not retreating! Until that weasel came along, our family made an honest living stealing dino eggs.
An honest living. Stealing. Kind of ironic, don't you think? Besides, why take out the weasel if the asteroid is just gonna take us out?
So much sight. So little vision. If we stop the weasel and his friends from diverting the asteroid... Kablooie! It kills the weasel and everyone else... while we glide safely above it all. It'll be our paradise.
That's seems highly implausible. Just from a scientific standpoint. [Gavin and Gertie growl and glare at him.] Fine. It's a great plan. Dynamite! One of the top three or four species annihilation plans I've ever heard.
That's better. Now let's make sure that asteroid hits.
Why can't we just fear the apocalypse like a normal family?
Crash What are you doing, Buck?
All rocks tell a tale. [licks a rock] Where we've been and where we're heading.
CA Crash and Eddie
[gasping]
That, however, is a turd.
Julian... I want you to know that if we don't make it...if we never get married...you were the only one for me.
Hey, come on! Of course we'll make it, and we will get married.
But maybe it's the universe telling us we won't.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're going to let one tiny little 300-mile-wide asteroid ruin your plans?
How can we think about our future when we may not have one?
Hey, we're going to stop this thing, and you'll get married. Bada-bing, bada-boom! Well, not boom. Forget I said boom. [gasps] I know! I'll be your wedding planner! It'll take your mind off all this end-of-the-world stuff.
Actually, we were just gonna wing it! Keep it low-key.
[shocked]
What? [on Julian's tusks] Peaches, Peaches. Sweetheart, you don't just wing the happiest day of your life! No, you seize it, and you cherish it. You strangle it with good intentions. [hops back down to the ground] Ooh. Let's start with your hair. Undo with a top bun? Traditional. Or updo with a fishtail braid. Flirtatious. [Crash giggles] But maybe a little trashy.
And garter belts! Today, Ed is modeling laced daisies. While Crash is rocking a more elegant ivy... that's all about the calves. Ooh. We need a seating chart! The singles table, the kids table, the weird relatives table...the smelly table, two more smelly tables.
Oh, you're gonna love it.
Who walks like that? "Oh! Look at me. I'm Julian. Forget the asteroid. Gimme a hug, Bro-Dad!" [clears throat] Look at that pretty bird there.
Yeah! That is a pretty bird. Good eye, Manny.
[laughs]
Yeah. The sky is literally falling, and she thinks we're just gonna let her stroll into the wilderness with Mr. No Plans Bouncy Walk.
Come on, El, you're not still mad at me, are you?
No. I'm not still mad. Because that's not how I want to spend what could be our final days together. But if we somehow survive that planet-killing hunk of space rock, you're in for it.
If we survive, we lose our daughter.
Well, I've been thinking about that, too. What if...
Ooh. I know! We destroy the relationship, right? That way we never have to let her go... and she'll just stay our little girl forever! [Laughs crazily]
No, you psychopath! What if we convince them to stay near us?
Oh! That's better. I like it. But how?
The way we always get her to do what we want. We make her think it's her idea.
You sneaky, sneaky minx! [giggles]
Let's just hope we haven't lost our touch.
Found it! Behold, mammals! A sneak preview of the asteroid to come. A space rock. Fresh from the cosmos. [licks it] Mmm, mmm, mmm. I taste iron, carbon. [gargles] Oh! And a hint of nickel. [sighs] Space tastes lonely.
Crash Hey, look! I found another one.
Crash Hey! Yours is attracted to me.
No. Yours is attracted to me. We're just too attractive!
Stupendous! Now we have something to play with during our final hours.
You're missing the point, Tiger. They're magnets. And if these space rocks are magnetic, so is that! This can only mean one thing.
Crash And that would be...?
CA Crash and Eddie
[screams]
Crash Hmm. Kind of chilly.
Gentlemen, here's what we know. Space rocks? Magnetic. Asteroid? Also, magnetic.
[gasps]
Famed astrophysicist Neil deBuck Weasel! He knows the cosmos.
PB Pythagoras Buck
Ipso facto, thusly and ergo the crash site must have a heap of these things attracting the asteroid.
Ooh. Pythagoras Buck. He's got the right angle.
PB Pythagoras Buck
What if we use the magnets to attract the asteroids somewhere else? As in, not towards Earth.
RB Robo Buck
Theoretically speaking, if we can launch enough of these into space, they will pull the asteroid off course.
So, we just need to go to the crash site and launch a bunch of rocks into space. That's easy, right?
Oh, yeah. Sounds like a real piece of cake.
This is progress! Now we know exactly what we don't know how to do. Vamanos, mammals! This trail will take us directly to the crash site.
Hey, Buck. You have a suggestion for getting around the river?
Let's see if the tablet's ancient wisdom will guide us. Let my mammals pass!
[?]
The ancients grant us safe passage.
[?]
Wow, the air feels strange.
Finally! We have superpowers!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have wandered into an electrical storm. [Thunder rumble] I suggest we all stay away from the trees.
Diego: Sure, no problem. It's not like we're in a forest.
Boy, Mother Nature sure is in a bad mood lately.
Good thing we're all here to help each other.
Oh, like I always say, stay close, stay alive.
There they are! Right out in the open. [laughs] How stupid can you be?
Everyone, try not to create any sort of friction.
Crash No friction. Got it.
Yup. Cool beans. Friction is what now? [Crash and Eddie then reaches to touch each other's fingertips akin to "The Creation of Adam'.]
[The possums' fingers connect and the static electrity causes a massive thunderstrike.]
Come on! Let's get out of here.
Don't you hurry me. I've been struck by lightning more times- [gets struck by lightning and dies]
G Graany
[gets struck by lightning again and is revived]
-than you've had hot breakfasts.
Julian, don't move! [panting] I have an idea.
I'm coming, sweetheart! Julian, why aren't you helping her?
Wait! No, Manny, she... [screams]
[groans]
Uh, what are you guys doing?
What would "not helping" look like? Hey, zapheads!
Shira, Manny, Crash, Eddie, Ellie, Granny. Aw, shoot! I'm out of fingers.
Do you hear that? A baby! There's a baby in there!
Crash Buck, wait! It's too dangerous.
CA Crash and Eddie
[gasping]
Don't know how we'll go on without you, Buck. All right, let's go.
I got you. Don't worry, I got you. There you are. There. Say "hi," everyone.
How can he tell it's a she?
Such a good little poochie-woochie.
Just to be clear, that's a pumpkin, right?
She has a little jaundice, but I think she'll be okay. Yes, you will. I think I'll call you... Bronwyn.
Um, little buddy? We need you back on planet Earth. While it's still here. Okay?
Right you are, mammal. Who wants to save the world from the fiery asteroid? You do!
Mmm... Okay, mammals. Let's stop here for the night.
Stop? What about the whole end-of-the-world collision thing?
Oh, asteroid's still a day off. And like my grandfather used to say... [mimics his 'grandfather'] "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Purple sky at night, who moved my foot cream? I need my foot cream." [normal] Grampy was a confused and angry weasel.
D Digeo
You are so funny, J.
Stop! You're funny. Take it easy, my brother from a tiger mother.
What was what? Oh, that! It's a cool way to peace out. Julian taught it to me.
Well, I'm glad the apocalypse is bringing you together.
He's a good kid, Manny. I like his philosophy. Give him a chance. Bond with him.
[singing]
♪So light 'em up, up, up♪ ♪Light 'em up, up, up♪ ♪Light 'em up, up, up♪ ♪I'm on fire!♪
Bonding! That's a good idea!
You take Julian. I got an idea for Peaches.
Oh, hey, Bro-Dad. You here to rock out?
Okay. Instead of that... how about a game before bedtime?
No way! You want to play a game with me? Wow! What is honored times 1,000? No! Times one million? 'Cause whatever that equals is how honored I am.
Yes, that's a "yes." It's the most "yes"! It's like "yes" with a bunch of s's... so it's like "yessssssssssssssssssss."
Great! [toss him his hockey stick] I'll see you on the ice! Happy?
So, do you think you're ready to go out roaming on your own?
I won't be alone. I'll have Julian.
Sure. But with asteroids flying, no home to speak of and absolutely no support system, do you think you'll be ready for... this?
I'm a wittle baby. [crying]
Imagine. You're in the woods, looking for food and your baby gets sick. What do you do?
No! Jiggling makes her feel worse!
Crash [singing]
♪La-la-la-la.♪ Ah! [crying]
Oh, no! Now your older toddler has a skinned knee and a stuffy nose.
Crash Mommy, hold me! [crying]
Now your babies are crying. You have no food and then you come face to face with a rabid beast!
[growling]
I am a rabid beast who gives rabies to babies. [roaring]
And there's an arsonist on the loose.
Granny [laughing]
How are you going to handle all this without our help?
CA Crash and Eddie
[crying]
[screams] [groans]
Oh! Huh?
Crash [crying]
Well, that's just the easy stuff. There's a lot more we still need to cover.
Crash Uh... Baby made a poopie.
[spits]
I'm a method actor, so I will need to be changed.
[gasps]
Crikey! [gasps] Good gravy, Buck. What have you done? All right, mammals. Time to get moving. Now let's not linger on this, but yes... I read the tablet wrong. The asteroid is a lot closer. Uh-oh.
Wait a second. Where's Granny? Granny? Oh, Granny?
Maybe she got hit in the head with a puck?
Yes! And maybe she was abducted by homicidal 30-foot dino-birds seeking revenge on me. All good theories. I'm going to go with the puck.
I knew it! So this whole time we've been chased by giant dino-birds?
Oh, only three! I didn't want to damage morale.
Right. Because before this, we were on a carefree pleasure cruise.
Wait a second. [sniffs] I've got her scent. Come on!
Mammals, we've made it! The crash site. This must be what's left of the previous asteroid.
Crash Your space rocks!
We could definitely divert the asteroid with a magnet that size! I mean that thing is enormous. It's massive, it's...
Going to be impossible to get off the ground!
It's entirely possible. In a way that we don't know about yet.
Crash But what about the dino-birds?
Oh, Granny. My sweet, malicious Granny. Why does it always have to be the old ones who go first? Why? I can still hear her sweet, shrill voice... shrieking from the afterlife.
And she's in trouble!
[The animals rushes to search for Granny.]
Reinforcements have arrived!
All right, Roger. Lead the way.
Oh! So that's what approval sounds like.
Keep it up, dinos. Use that Jurassic super strength! Beep, beep, beep.
[gasping]
I'll push it in. Go with Peaches and Ellie! [grunting]
No! I'm not leaving you! We'll do this together!
Ellie, we've got to get everyone off the volcano.
Folks, I'm outta cake, but I got salami!
I'm outta cake, but I got salami!
[grunting]
This isn't working.
Mad air on the half-pipe! Manny, I have a plan! We have to let the crystal go!
You know we're trying to get it in the volcano, right?
Manny, the only thing I want is a life with Peaches. And to prove myself to you. So, okay, two things. I want two things. Do you really think I'd waste the only chance I have left?
On my count. One... Two... Three!
MA Manny and Julian
[grunting]
Yes! I take back everything I ever said about you!
Now let's get out of here!
Maybe it's the quiet before the crazy?
Crash Eddie!
In your face, space rock!
CA Crash and Eddie
[singing]
Hit the road, you stupid rock. We just stopped the doomsday clock!
Bring it in, Bro-Son. Welcome to the family. And you, you coconut! I'll never doubt you again.
See? Daddy's always right. Remember that when you're older.
