Diego quotes from Ice Age: Collision Course (2016)

Buck

Oh, right on the spleen! Utterly useless, but totally hurts.

Diego

Hey, Buck! Welcome back, buddy.

Shira

Wait, this half-a-snack is a dinosaur whisperer?

Buck

And expert salsa dancer. [scats] I have one eye, but all my original teeth. Would you like to count them? [shows his teeth]

Shira

No thank you.

Buck

And this must be... Nectarine?

Peaches

Um, Peaches.

Buck

Semantics my dear. I am deeply honored.

Julian

Sweet eye-patch. Very gangster.

Buck

Thank you! [to Peaches] I like this kid.

Buck

No worries, because I've got a plan.

Manny

Really, to stop an asteroid?

Buck

Look, the last two asteroids have pummeled the earth in the same spot, and it's about to happen again. We've got to go there and see what's attracting the asteroid. Once we know why it's coming, we can figure out how to send it somewhere else.

Granny

That plan is so dumb, I wish it had a face so I could smack it.

Manny

Let me get this straight: instead of running away from a deadly asteroid, you want us to run directly towards it.

Buck

I know it sounds suboptimal. But the good news is, it'll kill us no matter where we went!

Diego

Well, that's reassuring.

Manny

Okay. Even if we get to the crash site, how are we supposed to change what is literally written in stone?

Buck

Ah, my cynical friend, the dinos were wiped off the face of the Earth, but some escaped. They changed their fate and we can change ours, too! Who's with me?! [the Herd all look at each other, then quickly huddle in]

Manny

So what do you think?

Ellie

Honestly, I'm worried the weasel's right.

Buck

No, don't listen to the weasel. He's a raving loon! [everyone just stares at Buck severely, and he laughs] Sorry, I just love playing devil's advocate. [singsong] And looking fabulous!!

Diego

Well, Buck has saved our lives before, right?

Shira

But what if he can't this time?

Peaches

I don't know what to believe, but I'm afraid our lives will be over before they begin.

Manny

Okay...I guess we're in.

Crash and Eddie reporting for duty!

Eddie

Haha! "Dooty". [he and Crash laugh]

Buck

Excellent!

Manny

Ah, women!

Diego

Yeah, women. What about them?

Manny

I don't get 'em. [whistle] Like, Ellie. Life's great with her. There's no surprises. Nothing ever changes. But then today, she giggled. Does Shira ever just giggle?

Please don't eat me!

Diego

Uh... Shira's not a big giggler.

Manny

Well, Ellie giggled. And then she wiggled. "Tee hee hee hee." Boom!

Diego

Don't ever do that again.

Manny

I have no idea why she's acting so weird.

Diego

Women.

Manny

Women.

Women.

Sid

Hello?

Diego

And speaking of weird.

Sid

Anybody there? Oh! Marco? Polo? Oh, hi, Manny. Ew! Your breath is awful.

Diego

What happened to you?

Sid

Oh, nothing. Everything's great. Fabulous. Zippity-dippity.

Diego

Okay, let me guess. She dumped you.

Sid

What is wrong with me? Everybody has somebody. And all I've got is my boyish good looks and this mariachi band. Oh! So itchy!

Manny

Come on. Let's get you cleaned up.

Sid

All I wanted is true love. Is that too much to ask? [crying]

Diego

Why is it so quiet?

Sid

Because the world is mourning my loss. [screams]

Manny

Ellie? Peaches? Where is everyone?

Surprise!

Ta-da!

Ellie

Happy Anniversary, honey!

Manny

Anniversary? [realized] Oh, no. That's the thing.

Julian

Okay! Now it's your turn, Bro-Dad!

Peaches

Yeah!

Crash

We wanna see what you got, Ellie.

Eddie

Manny.

Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny. Manny.

Manny

Hey, hey. Right. Uh... So, how about another hand for Ellie?

Yeah. Oh.

He forgot!

I feel so bad for Ellie.

Manny

Ellie, I... Uh...

Ohh. Ahh.

He didn't forget. That's how big Manny's love is for her!

Nice save with the light show. Wait, you didn't do this? Then who did?

Ellie

Oh, Manny. I was so afraid you'd forgotten. But you lit up the sky for me? How'd you do it?

Manny

Uh, well... A magician never reveals his secrets.

Ellie

Oh... Thank you.

Diego

I keep picturing our own kid in there. He'd be the best one.

Shira

I think you meant "she."

Diego

He.

Shira

Either way, we've been over this, Diego. Kids are afraid of us.

Diego

Yeah, but why?

Are they gonna eat us?

Hi, kids!

Shira

I even smiled this time.

Peaches

Wow, Dad. Best present ever.

Julian

You, sir, are an education in marital excellence. I'm really gonna miss you guys when we leave.

Manny

Ow!

Peaches

Um, actually, I haven't told them yet.

Julian

Oh. Surprise!

Manny

You're leaving?

Ellie

I thought you guys were gonna live with us the first couple of years.

Peaches

I know. But Julian and I kind of want to roam for a while.

Manny

Roam?

Julian

Yeah! Travel, explore, just go wherever. No plan is the best plan. That's my philosophy. Hors d'oeuvres?

Manny

That's not a plan, or a philosophy or very safe.

Peaches

Dad, we're young. We can worry about being safe when we're old and boring. Like you and Mom.

Julian

I think we should just...

Manny

Excuse me! This is a family discussion.

Julian

But aren't I part of your family?

Manny

Not yet; you're not.

Sid

Uh...Does that look like a problem to you?

Diego

A ball of fire heading directly towards us? Why would that be a problem?

Manny

What if you fall in a ditch and get amnesia? What then, huh?

Diego

Manny, we have a problem.

Manny

Not now. I have a problem.

This one's a little bigger.

Manny

I don't think so.

Diego

Manny!

Manny

What?

Ellie

Manny?

Manny

Uh, okay. Party's over, everybody. Have a good night. And leave right now!

Ellie

What are you talking about? The party just got started.

Manny

Yeah. [yawns] Just getting kind of sleepy. Everyone should go. And duck. Possibly cover!

Ellie

Hey, what's gotten into you?

Look! There's more coming!

Meteor shower!

Eddie

Meteor?

Crash

Shower?

Manny's love is killing us!

Ellie

I suppose this is all part of your magic show for me?

Manny

Abracadabra?

Peaches

Can you guys deal with this later?

Diego

Come on. We need to take cover.

Crash

Whoo-hoo! I'm on fire!

Eddie

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Me too! We're smoking hot, baby!

Crash

Incoming!

Manny

Those are ours! Are you okay? How many tusks do you see?

Crash

Tree.

Manny

Three?

Crash

No! Tree!

Manny

Everybody, jump!

Granny

Whee!

Manny

The cave! Get inside! Move! Move! It's okay, sweetheart. Daddy's...

Sid

Hey, it sounds like it's slowing down. Yup, it's definitely over. [chuckling nervously] [A meteor crashes in front of him, which obscures smoke on the screen. The smoke clears. Ellie turns Sid around, revealing him to be half burnt] Except for that one.

Manny

We might wanna think about moving underground for a while.

Manny

Uh...Hello?

Buck

Oh! Hello, mammals.

Eddie

Hi, Buck!

Buck

Hi.

Crash

Bye, Buck!

Buck

Um, a little help.

Buck

Right on the spleen! Utterly useless, but totally hurts.

Diego

Hey, Buck. Welcome back, buddy.

Shira

Wait. This half-a-snack is the dinosaur whisperer?

Buck

And expert salsa dancer. [scats] Whoo! I have one eye but all my original teeth. Would you like to count them? [shows his teeth] Ah...

Shira

No, thank you.

Buck

And this must be Nectarine.

Peaches

Um... Peaches.

Buck

Semantics, my dear. I am deeply honored.

Julian

Sweet eye patch. Very gangsta.

Buck

Thank you. [to Peaches] I like this kid.

Manny

Buck. What are you doing here?

Buck

Well, I... [stops to stare at Stump for a moment then zips close to it] What? I'm trying! But how do you tell someone they're doomed? [to the mammals] He's stumped.

Manny

We're not doomed, Buck. It was just a meteor shower, and the show's over.

Buck

Oh, quite the contrary, old chap. It's just beginning. You see, I found a prophecy.

Manny

Do you mind?

Crash

Boy, he really sucks the fun out of everything. Doesn't he?

Eddie

Fun sucker!

Buck

I read this tablet front to back. And the story it tells is very disturbing. Every hundred million years or so, the world gets a cosmic cleansing. Before the dinosaurs, there were these horseshoe crab-looking thingies. Ugh! Yuck. Then, at the bottom of this mountain range, an asteroid hit. Boom! Bye-bye. Next, dinosaurs, mountain range, asteroid. Boom! Bye-bye. And coming up next, mammals. Mountain range, asteroid, boom! Bye-bye.

Eddie

Stupid mammals.

Crash

That's us.

Buck

Yep, and there she is. The mother of all asteroids screaming towards us. Even going underground won't save us this time.

Diego

Hey, that wasn't there before. And look what it's doing to the sky.

Buck

No worries. Because I've got a plan.

Manny

Really? To stop an asteroid?

Buck

Look, the last two asteroids have pummeled the Earth in the same spot. And it's about to happen again. We've got to go there and see what's attracting the asteroid. Once we know why it's coming, we can figure out how to send it somewhere else.

Granny

That plan is so dumb, I wish it had a face so I could smack it.

Manny

Let me get this straight. Instead of running away from a deadly asteroid, you want us to run directly towards it?

Buck

I know it sounds suboptimal, but the good news is it'll kill us no matter where we went. Well, that's reassuring.

Manny

Okay, but even if we get to the crash site, how are we supposed to change what is literally written in stone?

Buck

Ah, my cynical friend. The dinos were wiped off the face of the Earth, but some escaped. They changed their fate, and we can change ours, too. Who's with me?

Manny

So, what do you think?

Ellie

Honestly, I'm worried the weasel's right.

Buck

No! Don't listen to the weasel. He's a raving loon! [in normal voice] Sorry. I just love playing devil's advocate. And looking fabulous!

Diego

Well, Buck has saved our lives before, right?

Shira

But what if he can't this time?

Peaches

I don't know what to believe. But I'm afraid our lives will be over before they begin.

Manny

Okay. I guess we're in.

Crash and Eddie reporting for duty.

Eddie

Doody. [he and Crash laugh]

Buck

Excellent! And dirty word processed. Now, we better get on the road because time till impact is roughly...2 days, 4 hours, 1 minute and 16 seconds. 15 seconds, 14 seconds...

Diego

I think we get it.

Manny

I think we're all gonna get it.

Julian

Whoo! We look so cool. Whoa!

Granny

Ugh. What is this stuff?

Gertie

Where is he? When I am through with that one-eyed weasel...he's going to need two eye patches.

Gavin

I admire your bloodthirstitude, Gertie. But you heard them. An asteroid is coming. This changes things.

Roger

Holy freezballs! It's freezing up here. Parts are retracting into other parts.

Gertie

Would you please stop acting like a parakeet?

Gavin

It's a good thing you got your mother's eyes... or you'd be totally useless.

Roger

Well, that's just hurtful. '[screams]

Gavin

What do you see?

Roger

Nothing. Nothing. Deadly asteroid screaming towards Earth. Wait! There he is. That's too bad. He is really far away. Probably too far to reach by flight. [snaps his fingers] Oh, well. Let's just go home.

Gavin

We are not retreating! Until that weasel came along, our family made an honest living stealing dino eggs.

Roger

An honest living. Stealing. Kind of ironic, don't you think? Besides, why take out the weasel if the asteroid is just gonna take us out?

Gavin

So much sight. So little vision. If we stop the weasel and his friends from diverting the asteroid... Kablooie! It kills the weasel and everyone else... while we glide safely above it all. It'll be our paradise.

Roger

That's seems highly implausible. Just from a scientific standpoint. [Gavin and Gertie growl and glare at him.] Fine. It's a great plan. Dynamite! One of the top three or four species annihilation plans I've ever heard.

Gavin

That's better. Now let's make sure that asteroid hits.

Roger

Why can't we just fear the apocalypse like a normal family?

Crash

What are you doing, Buck?

Buck

All rocks tell a tale. [licks a rock] Where we've been and where we're heading.

Eddie

Ah!

Buck

That, however, is a turd.

Peaches

Julian... I want you to know that if we don't make it...if we never get married...you were the only one for me.

Julian

Hey, come on! Of course we'll make it, and we will get married.

Peaches

But maybe it's the universe telling us we won't.

Sid

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're going to let one tiny little 300-mile-wide asteroid ruin your plans?

Peaches

How can we think about our future when we may not have one?

Sid

Hey, we're going to stop this thing, and you'll get married. Bada-bing, bada-boom! Well, not boom. Forget I said boom. [gasps] I know! I'll be your wedding planner! It'll take your mind off all this end-of-the-world stuff.

Peaches

Actually, we were just gonna wing it! Keep it low-key.

Sid

What? [on Julian's tusks] Peaches, Peaches. Sweetheart, you don't just wing the happiest day of your life! No, you seize it, and you cherish it. You strangle it with good intentions. [hops back down to the ground] Ooh. Let's start with your hair. Undo with a top bun? Traditional. Or updo with a fishtail braid. Flirtatious. [Crash giggles] But maybe a little trashy.

Peaches

Ugh.

Sid

And garter belts! Today, Ed is modeling laced daisies. While Crash is rocking a more elegant ivy... that's all about the calves. Ooh. We need a seating chart! The singles table, the kids table, the weird relatives table...the smelly table, two more smelly tables.

Manny

Look at him.

Julian

Oh, you're gonna love it.

Manny

Who walks like that? "Oh! Look at me. I'm Julian. Forget the asteroid. Gimme a hug, Bro-Dad!" [clears throat] Look at that pretty bird there.

Julian

Yeah! That is a pretty bird. Good eye, Manny.

Manny

Yeah. The sky is literally falling, and she thinks we're just gonna let her stroll into the wilderness with Mr. No Plans Bouncy Walk.

Ellie

Stop picking on him.

Manny

Come on, El, you're not still mad at me, are you?

Ellie

No. I'm not still mad. Because that's not how I want to spend what could be our final days together. But if we somehow survive that planet-killing hunk of space rock, you're in for it.

Manny

If we survive, we lose our daughter.

Ellie

Well, I've been thinking about that, too. What if...

Manny

Ooh. I know! We destroy the relationship, right? That way we never have to let her go... and she'll just stay our little girl forever! [Laughs crazily]

Ellie

No, you psychopath! What if we convince them to stay near us?

Manny

Oh! That's better. I like it. But how?

Ellie

The way we always get her to do what we want. We make her think it's her idea.

Manny

You sneaky, sneaky minx! [giggles]

Ellie

Let's just hope we haven't lost our touch.

Buck

Found it! Behold, mammals! A sneak preview of the asteroid to come. A space rock. Fresh from the cosmos. [licks it] Mmm, mmm, mmm. I taste iron, carbon. [gargles] Oh! And a hint of nickel. [sighs] Space tastes lonely.

Crash

Hey, look! I found another one.

Eddie

Me, too!

Crash

Hey! Yours is attracted to me.

Eddie

No. Yours is attracted to me. We're just too attractive!

Diego

Stupendous! Now we have something to play with during our final hours.

Buck

You're missing the point, Tiger. They're magnets. And if these space rocks are magnetic, so is that! This can only mean one thing.

Crash

And that would be...?

Buck

Allow me.

Eddie

Whoa! Where are we?

Buck

You are in my brain.

Crash

Hmm. Kind of chilly.

Neil deBuck Weasel

Gentlemen, here's what we know. Space rocks? Magnetic. Asteroid? Also, magnetic.

Buck

Famed astrophysicist Neil deBuck Weasel! He knows the cosmos.

Pythagoras Buck

Ipso facto, thusly and ergo the crash site must have a heap of these things attracting the asteroid.

Buck

Ooh. Pythagoras Buck. He's got the right angle.

Pythagoras Buck

What if we use the magnets to attract the asteroids somewhere else? As in, not towards Earth.

Robo Buck

Theoretically speaking, if we can launch enough of these into space, they will pull the asteroid off course.

Neil deBuck Weasel

Thus, saving the world.

Eddie

So, we just need to go to the crash site and launch a bunch of rocks into space. That's easy, right?

Manny

Oh, yeah. Sounds like a real piece of cake.

Buck

This is progress! Now we know exactly what we don't know how to do. Vamanos, mammals! This trail will take us directly to the crash site.

Diego

Hey, Buck. You have a suggestion for getting around the river?

Buck

Let's see if the tablet's ancient wisdom will guide us. Let my mammals pass!

Diego

That's never gonna work.

Buck

The ancients grant us safe passage.

Julian

Sweet!

Diego

Wow, the air feels strange.

Shira

Uh...Diego?

Diego

Hmm...

Manny

What?

Eddie

Finally! We have superpowers!

Buck

Ladies and gentlemen, we have wandered into an electrical storm. [Thunder rumble] I suggest we all stay away from the trees.
Diego: Sure, no problem. It's not like we're in a forest.

Manny

Boy, Mother Nature sure is in a bad mood lately.

Ellie

Good thing we're all here to help each other.

Manny

Oh, like I always say, stay close, stay alive.

Gertie

There they are! Right out in the open. [laughs] How stupid can you be?

Gavin

Come on, kids. Dive!

Buck

Everyone, try not to create any sort of friction.

Crash

No friction. Got it.

Eddie

Yup. Cool beans. Friction is what now? [Crash and Eddie then reaches to touch each other's fingertips akin to "The Creation of Adam'.]

Diego

Oh, no.

Buck

Come on! Let's get out of here.

Sid

Hurry, Granny.

Granny

Don't you hurry me. I've been struck by lightning more times- [gets struck by lightning and dies]

Sid

Ahh! Granny!

-than you've had hot breakfasts.

Julian

Peaches!

Peaches

Julian, don't move! [panting] I have an idea.

Manny

I'm coming, sweetheart! Julian, why aren't you helping her?

Julian

Wait! No, Manny, she... [screams]

Peaches

Uh, what are you guys doing?

Manny

Helping?

Diego

What would "not helping" look like? Hey, zapheads!

Whoo!

Diego

Manny, get ready to run.

Manny

Come on, let's go!

Diego

Everybody make it?

Sid

Shira, Manny, Crash, Eddie, Ellie, Granny. Aw, shoot! I'm out of fingers.

Diego

Buck. Where's Buck?

Buck

Do you hear that? A baby! There's a baby in there!

Crash

Buck, wait! It's too dangerous.

Ellie

He's gone.

Sid

I can't believe it.

Granny

Don't know how we'll go on without you, Buck. All right, let's go.

Ellie

It's Buck!

Diego

Huh?

Buck

I got you. Don't worry, I got you. There you are. There. Say "hi," everyone.

Huh?

Buck

Isn't she gorgeous?

Sid

How can he tell it's a she?

Buck

Such a good little poochie-woochie.

Shira

Just to be clear, that's a pumpkin, right?

Buck

She has a little jaundice, but I think she'll be okay. Yes, you will. I think I'll call you... Bronwyn.

Manny

Um, little buddy? We need you back on planet Earth. While it's still here. Okay?

Buck

Right you are, mammal. Who wants to save the world from the fiery asteroid? You do!

Buck

Mmm... Okay, mammals. Let's stop here for the night.

Manny

Stop? What about the whole end-of-the-world collision thing?

Buck

Oh, asteroid's still a day off. And like my grandfather used to say... [mimics his 'grandfather'] "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Purple sky at night, who moved my foot cream? I need my foot cream." [normal] Grampy was a confused and angry weasel.

You are so funny, J.

Julian

Stop! You're funny. Take it easy, my brother from a tiger mother.

Diego

Hasta manana, J-man.

Manny

What was that?

Diego

What was what? Oh, that! It's a cool way to peace out. Julian taught it to me.

Manny

Well, I'm glad the apocalypse is bringing you together.

Diego

He's a good kid, Manny. I like his philosophy. Give him a chance. Bond with him.

Julian

♪So light 'em up, up, up♪ ♪Light 'em up, up, up♪ ♪Light 'em up, up, up♪ ♪I'm on fire!♪

Ellie

Bonding! That's a good idea!

Manny

Oh, right. Got you.

Ellie

You take Julian. I got an idea for Peaches.

Manny

Hey, Bro-Kid.

Julian

Oh, hey, Bro-Dad. You here to rock out?

Manny

Okay. Instead of that... how about a game before bedtime?

Julian

No way! You want to play a game with me? Wow! What is honored times 1,000? No! Times one million? 'Cause whatever that equals is how honored I am.

Manny

So, is that a "yes"?

Julian

Yes, that's a "yes." It's the most "yes"! It's like "yes" with a bunch of s's... so it's like "yessssssssssssssssssss."

Manny

Great! [toss him his hockey stick] I'll see you on the ice! Happy?

Diego

Oh, boy.

Ellie

So, do you think you're ready to go out roaming on your own?

Peaches

I won't be alone. I'll have Julian.

Ellie

Sure. But with asteroids flying, no home to speak of and absolutely no support system, do you think you'll be ready for... this?

Eddie

I'm a wittle baby. [crying]

Ellie

Imagine. You're in the woods, looking for food and your baby gets sick. What do you do?

Peaches

Uh...

Ellie

No! Jiggling makes her feel worse!

Crash

♪La-la-la-la.♪ Ah! [crying]

Ellie

Oh, no! Now your older toddler has a skinned knee and a stuffy nose.

Crash

Mommy, hold me! [crying]

Ellie

Now your babies are crying. You have no food and then you come face to face with a rabid beast!

Sid

I am a rabid beast who gives rabies to babies. [roaring]

Ellie

And there's an arsonist on the loose.
Granny [laughing]

Ellie

How are you going to handle all this without our help?

Sid

Oh! Huh?

Peaches

Peaches, out!

Ellie

Well, that's just the easy stuff. There's a lot more we still need to cover.

Crash

Uh... Baby made a poopie.

Eddie

I'm a method actor, so I will need to be changed.

Julian

Oh! So close! These pucks go fast.

Manny

Just watch the puck all the way into the stick.

Julian

Oh! I did it!

Manny

Too bad you and Peaches are moving away. If you stayed, we could do this all the time.

Julian

Okay. Show me the heat! I'm like a hockey ninja! Hey, Peaches! Looks like you got a new hockey partner to replace your dad.

Diego

Ow!

Manny

Oh, no.

Peaches

Julian!

Diego

Such a mystery why he wants to move far away.

Manny

I didn't mean to do it. It's not my fault the kid has no reflexes.

Peaches

How could you do that to him? I thought you liked Julian.

Manny

I do like Julian.

Peaches

Well, you don't act like it. When you look at him, all you see is an obstacle. Or worse, a target. But I see a sweet guy who's trying his hardest to impress you.

Ellie

Peaches.

Peaches

No! Both of you, just stop! If we survive, I'm still getting married, and I'm still leaving home. Whether you're happy for me or not.

Manny

Don't give me that look. She said both. That means you, too.

Buck

And this widdle astewoid went wee, wee, wee, all the way home.

Roger

Hey...

Buck

Eh... Because Daddy and his fwiends saved the world.

Buck

Crikey! [gasps] Good gravy, Buck. What have you done? All right, mammals. Time to get moving. Now let's not linger on this, but yes... I read the tablet wrong. The asteroid is a lot closer. Uh-oh.

Sid

Wait a second. Where's Granny? Granny? Oh, Granny?

Manny

Maybe she wandered off?

Peaches

Maybe she got hit in the head with a puck?

Buck

Yes! And maybe she was abducted by homicidal 30-foot dino-birds seeking revenge on me. All good theories. I'm going to go with the puck.

Diego

I knew it! So this whole time we've been chased by giant dino-birds?

Buck

Oh, only three! I didn't want to damage morale.

Manny

Right. Because before this, we were on a carefree pleasure cruise.

Diego

Wait a second. [sniffs] I've got her scent. Come on!

Peaches

Whoa!

Buck

Mammals, we've made it! The crash site. This must be what's left of the previous asteroid.

Eddie

Uh, Buck?

Crash

Your space rocks!

Buck

We could definitely divert the asteroid with a magnet that size! I mean that thing is enormous. It's massive, it's...

Manny

Going to be impossible to get off the ground!

Buck

It's entirely possible. In a way that we don't know about yet.

Crash

But what about the dino-birds?

Sid

And what about Granny?

Diego

Nothing.

Manny

I'm sorry, Sid.

Sid

Oh, Granny. My sweet, malicious Granny. Why does it always have to be the old ones who go first? Why? I can still hear her sweet, shrill voice... shrieking from the afterlife.

Ellie

Granny's alive!

Diego

And she's in trouble!
[The animals rushes to search for Granny.]

Diego

Granny?

Granny?

Sid

Granny? Is she okay?

Diego

Uh, I'm not sure.

Sid

Unhand my Granny!

Granny

You do, and you don't get a tip.

Teddy

Making this beautiful sloth happy is all the payment I need.

Granny

You see? Hunky bunny gets it.

Sid

Granny!

Manny

There's a bunny living in the asteroid? Did not see that coming.

Ellie

Wait till you see this!

Julian

Oh! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Catching mad air on the half-pipe!

Manny

This is crazy.

Ellie

Do you think they know they are living in a magnetic bull's-eye?

Diego

Doesn't look like a lot of doomsday prepping going on in here.

??? (Brooke)

I can't believe it! Visitors! We've never had visitors. Somebody pinch me. Or should I pinch you? Wait, I'll pinch both of us.

Manny

Did I hit my head? What's happening here?

??? (Brooke)

I sure hope this isn't a... Oh! ...dream! [whistles]

This guy? For real?

Whatever.

??? (Brooke)

Hello, handsome. I'm Brooke.

Brooke

Ooh. Such exquisite bone structure. Such a strong jaw. I'm getting butterflies!

Manny

I'm getting nauseous.

Diego

Sorry to interrupt this weirdo love connection, but we're kind of in a hurry.

Buck

If we don't do something fast, that asteroid is gonna blow us all to smithereens.

Brooke

Oh. That sounds urgent. I better take you to him.

Diego

Who's "him"? Your leader?

Brooke

He is our everything.

He sees all.

Brooke

He knows all.

Teddy

And smells amazing!

Manny

Okay, okay. He sounds great. Let's go!

Brooke

Brilliant. Right this way.

Buck

Whoo-hoo! Yes!

Brooke

Please keep your arms and legs inside the tram at all times. But allow your spirit to roam free... in Geotopia.

Peaches

I have a good feeling about this. Maybe he'll be able to help us.

Julian

She did say he knows all. And all's a lot!

Brooke

Here he is. The Master of Meditation, the Supreme Serene...the four-time Heavy Thoughts champion of the world!

Granny

Is that a llama? I hate llamas. They spit and smell.

Diego

So does she.

So do we!

Shangri Llama

Greetings, mammals! The Shangri Llama will see you...now.

Buck

Ooh. Wonderful. [then] So where is he?

Shangri Llama

He is here. Talking to you.

Sid

Oh, I get it. He's a ventriloquist, and you're the dummy.

Shangri Llama

No, you're the dummy.

Sid

No, you're the dummy.

Shangri Llama

No, you're the dummy.

Diego

This is the guy that's going to save us.

Shangri Llama

Look within. You're the dummy.

Buck

Disgusting! Loved that! New topic. We're all about to die.

Shangri Llama

Well, that's no good. Stress is a killer. Let us loosen our limbs and open our minds. Downward Dog!

Manny

Uh... Seriously?

Shangri Llama

I'll wait. I have all the time in the world.

Buck

Actually, you don't have all the time in the world. None of us do. You see, there's this thing in the sky.

Shangri Llama

Oh. That blinding light that seems to get larger by the minute? [Laughs] What about it? Seems fine to me.

Buck

With all due respect, Your Twistiness, that's an asteroid. It's magnetically attracted to this place, and it's heading straight for us.

Shangri Llama

Aha! It must desire our magnetic crystals. Well, who can blame it? They're really quite something. Did you know their power grants eternal youth? I am over 400 years old. Mmm-hmm.

Diego

That's not possible.

Teddy

Sure it is. I'm 326! Whoo!

Granny

Huh? You don't look a day over 275.

Shangri Llama

We are young, happy and safe. And we always will be. Thanks to Geotopia!

Buck

Kudos. It is lovely. Now, let's figure out a way to launch it into space!

Shangri Llama

I'm sorry. You want to destroy our home?

Buck

It'll be destroyed either way. But if we propel this magnetic material into the atmosphere... we can change the asteroid's path and save everyone. What do you say?

Shangri Llama

Caterpillar!

Diego

So, is that a yes? Or...

Shangri Llama

Oh. You are storing a lot of hostility in your lower spine.

Manny

Shangri Llama, how are we gonna...?

Shangri Llama

Funky Chicken. Jiggy Jelly. Mashed Potato.

Buck

Your flexibility is a sight to behold. Now how the devil are we going to launch these crystals?

Shangri Llama

You can't. It's impossible. Whoo! I am bushed. Awesome meeting you guys. Feel free to hang or, you know, whatever. [spits]

Peaches

That's it. He was our last hope. We're doomed.

Diego

Yeah. All we got was a free yoga class.

Sid

On that subject... could you help me, please? My nose is dangerously close to my butt.

Diego

Uh, Sid, why do you have two tails?

Granny

I'm in here, too.

Julian

Hey, don't cry. Look on the bright side. We get to see our lives flash before our eyes. That means I get to fall in love with you... All over again.

Peaches

Only you can make the end of the world sound like a good thing.

Ellie

We did a good job raising her. She's stronger than we know.

Manny

Two days ago, I'd have given anything to keep her with us. Now I'd give anything just to see her get married and leave home.

Ellie

Play with her kids, dance with her husband.

Manny

Yell at him when he forgets their anniversary.

Ellie

It was a good one, wasn't it? Our life? You, me, and Peaches.

Manny

The best.

Sid

Oh, Brooke. You're so pretty. You take my lisp away.

Brooke

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Sid

I try. But usually they run away too fast.

Brooke

Oh, you're such a romantic. Hey, I know this is going to sound super forward, but... will you be my mate for life?

Sid

Oh, Brooke, I don't know what to say. It's only been twelve minutes. What took you so long? Yes! This has been the best last day on Earth ever. [gasped again; drops Brooke] A diamond! I need a diamond! Where can I find a... Oh! Perfect.

Brooke

No, no, no. Sid, sweetie, don't do that.

Sid

Nonsense. Only the best for my one... true... love.

Sid

Whoopsies!

Shangri Llama

No, no, no! Oaf! Simpleton! Nincompoop!

Sid

You talking to her or me?

Shangri Llama

That wall was the one thing keeping us young. Now we're all doomed! DOOOOOOOOMED! [the crowd gasped] And now, I think I have a fever. Thank you so much, doofus!

Brooke

Hey! Easy there, Llama! This is the doofus of my dreams. He meant well.

Shangri Llama

Oh, "he meant well." Who cares?ǃ

Peaches

So much for serenity.

Shangri Llama

300 years of peace and harmony undone by one colossally, incredibly... stupendously stupid sloth! [he turns old.]

Sid

Oh, Brooke.

Granny

Wow! You guys got old. Whatever we had, it's over.

Old Teddy

That's what happens when you date a cougar. [crying]

Sid

I'm really sorry, Mr. Llama.

Old Shangri Llama

Sorry. Sorry? Sorry doesn't fix the wall now, does it, you little... [screams crazily like a goat.] I need a bubble bath or a massage. Who knows acupuncture? I need to let my anger out. LET IT OUT!!!! I've been pent up too long. Ahhhhhhhh! I want to hit something. Someone give me their face

Buck

That's it! Pent-up energy. Earth's most powerful propulsion device is right in front of us.

Granny

Who? Spitty McGee here?

Buck

The volcano! That's our magnet launcher. All we need to do is seal the steam vents around it.

Diego

That's a crazy plan!

Buck

You're a crazy plan.

Diego

That doesn't even make any sense.

Buck

And what are you? A professor of logic? Professor Kitty McWhiskers of the University of Meow Meow Meow Meow... [continuously pokes Diego's nose until he roars] You see? Tremendous pressure leads to a tremendous explosion.

Sid

And you call yourself a professor.

Buck

Right. We need all the crystals loaded into the volcano, pronto.

Shangri Llama (Elderly)

What? No! I'm not giving you my crystals. We need them to rebuild our sanctuary.

Brooke (Elderly)

May I remind you, Geotopia is not yours to keep.

Shangri Llama (Elderly)

No, you may not.

Brooke (Elderly)

It came from the sky, and now it's time to give it back.

Shangri Llama (Elderly)

Is not!

Brooke (Elderly)

Is too, you old coot. Change isn't easy, but it's part of life. It's time for us to embrace it again. Whether you like it or not.

Shangri Llama (Elderly)

Not!

Brooke (Elderly)

Listen, Llama, I will go nuts and granola on your butt! So either get on board or go twist yourself into a pretzel and na-ma-stay out of our way. Come on, everybody. Grab every crystal you can find.

Totally, let's do it!

Brooke (Elderly)

And remember, lift with your legs.

Teddy (Elderly)

Too late.

Buck

Bad news! Somebody up there doesn't like us. We're six minutes behind schedule!

Manny

Double time, everyone. We need that big crystal.

Julian

Oh. Hey, Bro-Dad!

Diego

We got company!

Granny

Ooh. I'll put out the sponge cake.

Buck

Steady. Steady.

Roger

Sorry about this. I'm really conflicted right now.

Gavin

That's more like it, Roger. Now finish him.

Buck

Wait! Wait, you don't understand. You see that? If that asteroid hits, we all die.

Gavin

If it hits, we all die. [crying then laughing] That's where you're wrong. See, while you run for your mammal lives, we'll be high in the sky...[scaredy angrily] cruising above it all.

Neil deBuck Weasel

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Gavin

We'll be as safe as those little birdies. [One meteor hits a bird] Lucky shot. [More meteors hit more birds] Very lucky shot? [A giant meteor hits Earth]

Roger

I knew it. I was right. There's no paradise.

Gertie

What? I'm too young to go extinct! [screams]

Buck

She gets it! Now, please, we haven't got much time!

Gavin

What are you waiting for? Kill him!

Roger

No, Dad. I won't let you. Do you want to know what I love about our family? That we're alive. There are more important things than your pride right now. If you care about us... you should not kill him. You should help him, Dad.

Gertie

Pop, I hate to say this, but my freaky little brother may be right.

Buck

As a father, I would work with my worst enemy... to ensure a brighter future for my little one.

Buck

Reinforcements have arrived!

Gavin

All right, Roger. Lead the way.

Roger

Oh! So that's what approval sounds like.

Buck

Keep it up, dinos. Use that Jurassic super strength! Beep, beep, beep.

Gavin

Watch out, kids!

Buck

The weasel has landed.

Manny

I'll push it in. Go with Peaches and Ellie! [grunting]

Julian

No! I'm not leaving you! We'll do this together!

Peaches

Mom, where are they?

Diego

Ellie, we've got to get everyone off the volcano.

Granny

Folks, I'm outta cake, but I got salami!

Shira

Faster, faster!

Granny

I'm outta cake, but I got salami!

Diego

Granny, come on!

Granny

Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Manny

This isn't working.

Julian

Mad air on the half-pipe! Manny, I have a plan! We have to let the crystal go!

Manny

You know we're trying to get it in the volcano, right?

Julian

Manny, the only thing I want is a life with Peaches. And to prove myself to you. So, okay, two things. I want two things. Do you really think I'd waste the only chance I have left?

Manny

Okay, let's do it!

Julian

On my count. One... Two... Three!

Shira

What are they doing?

Julian

Did it work?

Manny

Yes! I take back everything I ever said about you!

Julian

Wait, what?

Manny

Now let's get out of here!

Shira

What happened?

Diego

Maybe it's the quiet before the crazy?

Crash

Eddie!

Manny

We did it. We did it!

Shira

In your face, space rock!

Diego

Yeah, baby!

Granny

Not on the lips, geezer!

Hit the road, you stupid rock. We just stopped the doomsday clock!

Manny

Bring it in, Bro-Son. Welcome to the family. And you, you coconut! I'll never doubt you again.

Buck

See? Daddy's always right. Remember that when you're older.

Manny

Hey, look, shooting stars.

Sid

Ooh, quick, make a wish, make a wish! You got to make a wish–! [one of the meteors catapults him on top of a tree]

Manny

Wow, my wish came true.

Sid

I'm okay! [is burnt by flames from the meteor]

Diego

Mine too.

Sid

Oh, I think I burnt my marshmallows.