E.L. You're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.
More lines from E.L.
5 quotes E.L. E.L. Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.
E.L. Did you kill a cheetah?
E.L. Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.
E.L. Barry, hit the lights. It's boner time!
Scenes with E.L.
5 scenes E.L. Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.
That makes no sense.
E.L. Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.
No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.
E.L. Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.
E.L. Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.
E.L. [The tape fast forwards, only to play more of the video message to Tiffany]
Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?
I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?
Yeah, it was on your desk I mailed it this morning.
E.L. [Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]
W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
E.L. [Josh nods]
Yes!
Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hey, hey.
What?
Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.
E.L. [trying to convince Josh to have sex with Beth]
Your dick will never forgive you.
E.L. [bends down to talk to Josh's dick]
What do you think little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?
E.L. [pretends to be Josh's dick with squeaky high pitched voice]
It ain't easy beings Josh's penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave.
Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little, and... y'know.
E.L. No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us?
E.L. [Kyle reaches into his bag and pulls out an oversized pair of leopard-print panties]
What the hell is that?! Did you kill a cheetah?
What? No, these are her underwear! She gave them to me! [puts them up to his face and sniffs them, much to everyone's disgust] I boinked her!
E.L. ... "boinked"?
[Everyone laughs, including Kyle who is still too proud to care]
Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the "boinking" out of your system, because we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.
E.L. Just copy off someone.
I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.
E.L. Well, you're ****, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.
I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.
E.L. Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.
