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Beth: Are there any guys out there who are JUST NORMAL?
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Corky the Dog: Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes... Right now.
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Corky the Dog: Hey, Old man... I got the ****in' munchies real bad... what about you?
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Grandpa Manilow: You gonna pass that doobie?
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Jacob: [Text on his T-shirt] "God is awesome."
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Rubin: It's supposed to be a challenge, it's a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way.
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Barry: This is the Joseph H. Nelson Memorial Library, here. Okay? It was built in the 1600s.
Student in the Tour: 1600s? It says it was built in 1951.
Barry: That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.
Student in the Tour: 1600s? It says it was built in 1951.
Barry: That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.
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Barry: Can we please feed Mitch now?
Rubin: No. If he overeats, he could die.
Barry: So? It would be worth it.
Rubin: No. If he overeats, he could die.
Barry: So? It would be worth it.
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Beth: What do you look for in a girl?
Josh: She should be smart, and funny.
[Beth undressing]
Josh: That's good too.
Beth: Do you feel better yet?
Josh: I feel a little bit better, yes.
Beth: What else do you look for?
[removing top]
Josh: She should be nice and attractive and... topless. Topless is good.
Josh: She should be smart, and funny.
[Beth undressing]
Josh: That's good too.
Beth: Do you feel better yet?
Josh: I feel a little bit better, yes.
Beth: What else do you look for?
[removing top]
Josh: She should be nice and attractive and... topless. Topless is good.
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E.L.: [trying to convince Josh to have sex with Beth] Your dick will never forgive you.
E.L.: [bends down to talk to Josh's dick] What do you think little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?
E.L.: [pretends to be Josh's dick with squeaky high pitched voice] It ain't easy beings Josh's penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave.
E.L.: [bends down to talk to Josh's dick] What do you think little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?
E.L.: [pretends to be Josh's dick with squeaky high pitched voice] It ain't easy beings Josh's penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave.
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E.L.: Just copy off someone.
Josh: I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.
E.L.: Well, you're ****ed, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.
Josh: I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.
E.L.: Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.
Josh: I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.
E.L.: Well, you're ****ed, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.
Josh: I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.
E.L.: Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.
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E.L.: Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.
Kyle: That makes no sense.
E.L.: Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.
Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.
E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.
Kyle: That makes no sense.
E.L.: Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.
Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.
E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.
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E.L.: Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.
[The tape fast forwards, only to play more of the video message to Tiffany]
E.L.: Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?
Josh: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?
Rubin: Yeah, it was on your desk I mailed it this morning.
Josh: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH ****!
[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]
E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
[Josh nods]
E.L.: Yes!
Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Barry: Hey, hey.
Josh: What?
Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.
[The tape fast forwards, only to play more of the video message to Tiffany]
E.L.: Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?
Josh: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?
Rubin: Yeah, it was on your desk I mailed it this morning.
Josh: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH ****!
[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]
E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
[Josh nods]
E.L.: Yes!
Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Barry: Hey, hey.
Josh: What?
Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.
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Frat member: [Holding up a white hood] Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
Josh: Whoa whoa, that isn't ours.
Kyle: That's not mine!
Josh: OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.
Frat member: There is. See your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.
Kyle: [faints]
Josh: Whoa whoa, that isn't ours.
Kyle: That's not mine!
Josh: OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.
Frat member: There is. See your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.
Kyle: [faints]
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Josh: You can teach ancient philosophy in 46 hours?
Rubin: I can teach Japanese to a chimp in 46 hours. You just have to find a way to relate the material.
Rubin: I can teach Japanese to a chimp in 46 hours. You just have to find a way to relate the material.