Barry
Can we please feed Mitch now?
Rubin
No. If he overeats, he could die.
Barry
So? It would be worth it.
Played by Paulo Costanzo 
Road Trip (2000) · 28 quotes
Road Trip (2000) · 28 quotes
Scenes with Rubin
8 scenes Barry
Rubin
Barry
Rubin
This is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.
Motel Clerk
Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.
Rubin
No? OK. That's OK. Thanks.
Motel Clerk
Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Hunh? How's that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.
Rubin
[sotto, walking away]
Dick.
Motel Clerk
By the way, Cheech, that credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.
E.L.
Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.
Kyle
That makes no sense.
E.L.
Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.
Rubin
No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.
E.L.
Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.
Rubin
I just said we'd make it across. I didn't say anything about the wheels staying on.
Josh
What the hell are we gonna do now? I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!
E.L.
Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.
E.L.
[The tape fast forwards, only to play more of the video message to Tiffany]
Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?
Josh
I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?
Rubin
Yeah, it was on your desk I mailed it this morning.
Josh
[Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him]
OH ****!
E.L.
[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]
W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
E.L.
[Josh nods]
Yes!
Josh
Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Barry
Hey, hey.
Josh
What?
Barry
Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.
Kyle
It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.
Kyle
[Josh, Rubin and E.L. are understandably repulsed]
Because it's your dog.
Rubin
Jesus Christ!
Kyle
You know, because it's YOUR dog, get it?
Rubin
Yeah, we've got it.
Josh
You can teach ancient philosophy in 46 hours?
Rubin
I can teach Japanese to a chimp in 46 hours. You just have to find a way to relate the material.
Rubin
It's supposed to be a challenge, it's a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way.
