Steve Stifler Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
Most-quoted character in American Pie 2 (2001): in 27 of its 61 quotes
Most scenes with: Jim Levenstein (4), Danielle (2), Oz (2)
Oh, yeah! The Stif-meister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls, bye-bye Great Falls, wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
More lines from Steve Stifler
14 quotes Steve Stifler Steve Stifler [Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]
Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.
Steve Stifler When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you ****ers learn anything in college?
Steve Stifler [When walking past a girl in a short skirt before a lecture]
] Ooh! There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!
Steve Stifler Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
Steve Stifler [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch]
Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.
Steve Stifler Where are the **** females?
Steve Stifler Oh God, I kissed Jim.
Steve Stifler [after Finch describes watering a ficus as a "pure tantric moment"]
Finch, stay the **** away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.
Steve Stifler Finch, fist yourself!
Steve Stifler [Grabbing his crotch]
Shake this!
Steve Stifler Tantric, what the **** is Tantric?
Steve Stifler Eat shit, 'Shit break'.
Steve Stifler Whack away, Jim. Whack away.
Scenes with Steve Stifler
12 scenes
Officer
[Two uniformed police officers break up Stifler's house party.]
Where's Steve Stifler?
Stifler [Stifler enters from the balcony incident, wet and looking distraught]
I got peed on.
Male EMT [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated]
Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?
Stifler **** no, this is just too good to miss!
Male EMT Okay sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
Stifler [Giving Jim the thumbs-up as the ambulance drives away]
Ha-ha! This summer's turned out to be great!
Kevin So, how are the twig and giggle-berries this morning?
Jim
Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint-by-numbers.
Stifler Jim, you're the only guy I know whose dick needs an instruction manual.
Stifler Holy shit dude, I found a dildo! [Stifler runs round the house] Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber dicks for everyone! The people demand rubber dicks!
Jim
What are you doing?
Stifler Looking for more lesbian artifacts!
Jim
[hands Jim the dildo]
Where did you get this?
Stifler Finch's ass.
Jim
[later] [trying to return the dildo Stifler found]
Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold!
Jim
[the two "lesbians" are making the guys play with each other, in exchange for the girls playing with each other. Jim and Stifler give each other a split-second long peck on the lips.]
That counted!
Stifler That totally counted!
That's the way you kiss your mother.
Stifler [angry whisper to Finch]
Don't you say anything!
Stifler [later] [the girls request handjobs: Jim and Finch doing Stifler]
It's okay, it's okay. I know what I have to do.
Stifler [starts undoing his shorts]
I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
Jim
[Finch and Jim run away]
Mother of God!
Stifler [Stifler runs after them, zipping up his shorts]
Come on you pussies, we had 'em!
I am not touching that!
Jim
Put that thing away Stifler!
Stifler Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing!
Heather [Having phone sex with Oz]
Oz, what should I do now?
Stifler [Listening in]
Oh, Heather, baby, why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's?
Stifler, get off!
Stifler I am getting off, listening to the two of you! Keep going!
Stifler You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stif-meister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby!
Here's a new idea for you, Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other: you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler Here's a new idea for you: I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Jim
[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz]
Amazing.
Stifler Yes. The force is strong in that one.
Stifler [Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]
Brilliant. You found lesbians. Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Lesbians?
Amber We never said that.
Stifler What?
Amber We never said that.
Stifler Oh, oh, man. I will do anything, anything to sleep with you chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it, even! I'll even shave some ass if they need it! Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!
Life's a bitch, isn't it? [No response from Nadia] It's all right. You don't have to say anything. I'm used to girls ignoring me...or making fun of me. "Come on, Sherman. Be the Sherminator."
I get it, okay? Maybe I am a geek. Whatever.
All right. I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex-Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
I am lucky lady?
That's right Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.
[playing along]
Oh, no. Help. [Nadia and Sherman go upstairs as Stifler and Jessica look in disbelief] **** me, geek!
Stifler and Jessica No **** way!
Jessica [They look at each other thinking maybe, but...]
Forget it.
Stifler Like you have a chance.
Kid 1
[Stifler is approached by two High School kids]
Hey are you Steve Stifler?
Stifler Yes I am.
Kid 1
Well thank you for throwing this awsome party man.
Kid 2
Yeah the cops bust all our parties now.
Stifler Well I put the word out so High School chicks would come. Just cos you ****ers don't have dicks doesn't make it right for you to be here.
Kid 2
Can I ask you a question?
Stifler Sure son.
Kid 2
Is it true that Paul Finch nailed your mom?
Stifler Sons of bitches.
Kid Red leader what is your position?
Stifler I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass!
