Brenda quotes from Sausage Party (2016)
Played by Kristen Wiig
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Frank: Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? [chuckles] Sorry about those guys. They're such **** dicks, right?
Carl: [off-screen] Uh, I can hear you, dude.
Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, **** you. [turns back to Brenda] So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? [chuckles] You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the Gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because, we belong together.
Brenda: It's like, we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty **** nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so. [laughs]
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet **** ****. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both Frank and Brenda: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty. [Laughs]
[Frank and Brenda are about to touch the tips but then stop]
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
[Frank and Brenda then touch the tips]
Frank & Brenda: Ah.
Frank: Ooh. Oh yeah, go in there.
Brenda: Ooh. Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
Carl: [off-screen] Uh, I can hear you, dude.
Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, **** you. [turns back to Brenda] So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? [chuckles] You and me, finally gonna be official.
Brenda: I'm so happy the Gods put our packages together.
Frank: It's because, we belong together.
Brenda: It's like, we were made for each other.
Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty **** nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so. [laughs]
Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank: Oh, sweet **** ****. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Both Frank and Brenda: Just the tips?
Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank: I know. We're so naughty. [Laughs]
[Frank and Brenda are about to touch the tips but then stop]
Brenda: But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
[Frank and Brenda then touch the tips]
Frank & Brenda: Ah.
Frank: Ooh. Oh yeah, go in there.
Brenda: Ooh. Big tip.
Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.
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Honey Mustard: WAKE UP! They're lying to your **** faces! THE GREAT BEYOND IS BULLSHIT! Why isn't anyone listening to me?!
Frank: Hey, buddy. Are you alright?
Honey Mustard: NO! I'm not alright! It's all a lie! Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.
Carl: Hey, Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, what is he? Honey? Is he mustard? It's like, make up your mind, or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You **** idiots! I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great", my ASSHOLE! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our **** faces, covering our eyes with their ****, so ****-covered we can't **** see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Dude, shut up, the gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting, monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. [gives the human the finger] **** YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
Frank: Hey, buddy. Are you alright?
Honey Mustard: NO! I'm not alright! It's all a lie! Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.
Carl: Hey, Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, what is he? Honey? Is he mustard? It's like, make up your mind, or just kill yourself.
Honey Mustard: You **** idiots! I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
Honey Mustard: "Great", my ASSHOLE! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our **** faces, covering our eyes with their ****, so ****-covered we can't **** see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Brenda: Dude, shut up, the gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
Honey Mustard: They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting, monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. [gives the human the finger] **** YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
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Douche: Oh, no. Bro! Douche down! I'm out of my **** box!
Chicken Noodle Soup: [While he got ripped his gut] Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
[Then a banana got killed after his face peeled off and lied down, then Jelly is dead after she fell and broke her lower part.]
Peanut Butter: Wake up! I'm nothing without you! [Crying for his wife.]
Brenda: Frank, woah!
[Then Frank looks at a cookie who looks at her cookie top and when she turns around, she's seen without her cookie back top. Then Brenda moves at Frank and pins him.]
Brenda: Frank! Move your **** ass!
[Then the forward part of the shopping cart comes and roars like a lion and a big gorilla, as all they're surprised.]
Various foods: Help! Half a moon!
Prune: 'Oh' my God!
Chicken Noodle Soup: [While he got ripped his gut] Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
[Then a banana got killed after his face peeled off and lied down, then Jelly is dead after she fell and broke her lower part.]
Peanut Butter: Wake up! I'm nothing without you! [Crying for his wife.]
Brenda: Frank, woah!
[Then Frank looks at a cookie who looks at her cookie top and when she turns around, she's seen without her cookie back top. Then Brenda moves at Frank and pins him.]
Brenda: Frank! Move your **** ass!
[Then the forward part of the shopping cart comes and roars like a lion and a big gorilla, as all they're surprised.]
Various foods: Help! Half a moon!
Prune: 'Oh' my God!
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Douche: [rushes to the shopper] No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! I could still... get up in there. Oh, my God! MY NOZZ! MY MOTHER**** NOZZ!
Frank: You okay?
Brenda: I think so.
Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me?! Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly **** up?!
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. But, you know what, you should be happy you're alive.
Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead, look at him, he's right there!
Peanut Butter: [wailing] JELLY! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
Douche: You think I give a **** about PB or J? **** this! I'mma kick your ass. How you like them apples?
Apple: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bro.
Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well then, guess who's comin' at you. Me!
Frank: You okay?
Brenda: I think so.
Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me?! Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly **** up?!
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. But, you know what, you should be happy you're alive.
Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead, look at him, he's right there!
Peanut Butter: [wailing] JELLY! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
Douche: You think I give a **** about PB or J? **** this! I'mma kick your ass. How you like them apples?
Apple: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bro.
Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well then, guess who's comin' at you. Me!
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Lavash: Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was YOU! You cocksucking bagel ****face!
Cereal: Hey, watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart! No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed YOU? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda which even that I didn't push, you know? I passive-aggressively nudged. I reached out in a panic. It was Toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me!
Brenda: Hey, I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is YOURS then, huh?
Frank: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did, and now you and your stupid useless bun have **** us all!
Brenda: Hey, who are you calling useless, you flappy ****?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Brenda: UGH! [Prepares to fight Lavash, but Sammy holds her back]
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener **** over here.
Cereal: Hey, watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart! No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed YOU? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda which even that I didn't push, you know? I passive-aggressively nudged. I reached out in a panic. It was Toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me!
Brenda: Hey, I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is YOURS then, huh?
Frank: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did, and now you and your stupid useless bun have **** us all!
Brenda: Hey, who are you calling useless, you flappy ****?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Brenda: UGH! [Prepares to fight Lavash, but Sammy holds her back]
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener **** over here.
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[Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her]
Tequila: [walks inside] Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
Brenda: [gasps] Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Refried Beans: Qué?
Douche: Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here!
Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
Salsa: No way! José!
Douche: YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
El Guaco: Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!
Tequila: [walks inside] Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
Brenda: [gasps] Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Refried Beans: Qué?
Douche: Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here!
Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
Salsa: No way! José!
Douche: YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
El Guaco: Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!
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Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
Brenda: Oh, ****.
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here, a taco?! A whiny doughnut?! [referring to Lavash] Some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is! Okay, so... [A queso cheese comes up behind him]
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: That's a **** stretch, and you know it, Queso! [Queso rolls away] So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously... and in my opinion appropriately, to find the whereabouts of the sausage who destroyed my body and my [Brenda rips the sticker off Douche] ****...
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: ****, that HURTS so much!
Brenda: Oh, ****.
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here, a taco?! A whiny doughnut?! [referring to Lavash] Some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is! Okay, so... [A queso cheese comes up behind him]
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: That's a **** stretch, and you know it, Queso! [Queso rolls away] So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously... and in my opinion appropriately, to find the whereabouts of the sausage who destroyed my body and my [Brenda rips the sticker off Douche] ****...
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: ****, that HURTS so much!
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[Frank climbs up to one of the shopkeeper counters, holding a page out of the cookbook. He activates the cameras, broadcasting himself to the rest of the store]
Frank: Um, friends, ramen, [Ramen look at each other and shrug] Country Club Lemonade.
Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
Frank: Lend me your ears...o-of corn.
Corn: [sighs]
Frank: I'm Frank, a-and I'm a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bullshit!
Curry Paste: WHAT?!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
Lettuce: You liar!
Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof! [shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten]
Licorice Rope: What is this!?
Relish: It's... It's murder!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Th-this, makes no sense!
Lavash: W-what, what about the extra virgin olive oil?! My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps! I can't! [ululates, the other items on the Halal shelf join in; on the Kosher shelf, the food items have turned and are presumed praying, as if they were at the Western Wall]
Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy, guys, easy, look, I have a plan! We can run!
Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
Frank: Okay, uh, uh, then-then, uhhhh we'll hide.
Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge.
Frank: Then we'll fight for!
Peanut: I ain't fightin' alongside a bunch of fruits!
Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjobs.
Curry Paste: So, we cannot run, we cannot hide, and we cannot stand up to them because they're **** gods, and they're immortal! So, basically, there's no hope, and we're royally ****!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring to cookbook page] Or this? [A Honey Drippers cereal box turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of cereal]
Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
Apple: Me neither!
Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing!
Ice Cream: Yeah, I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just, uh...a theory!
Frank: No, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your **** eyes. Don't be so weak.
Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
Refried Beans: You, señor have no bedside manner!
Frank: What, I have bedside manner!
Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of shit!
[the clock changes to 7:00 am behind Frank. The lights automatically switch on. Darren walks behind Frank]
Frank: Oh, no, it's starting! No.
Frank: Um, friends, ramen, [Ramen look at each other and shrug] Country Club Lemonade.
Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
Frank: Lend me your ears...o-of corn.
Corn: [sighs]
Frank: I'm Frank, a-and I'm a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bullshit!
Curry Paste: WHAT?!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
Lettuce: You liar!
Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof! [shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten]
Licorice Rope: What is this!?
Relish: It's... It's murder!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Th-this, makes no sense!
Lavash: W-what, what about the extra virgin olive oil?! My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps! I can't! [ululates, the other items on the Halal shelf join in; on the Kosher shelf, the food items have turned and are presumed praying, as if they were at the Western Wall]
Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy, guys, easy, look, I have a plan! We can run!
Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
Frank: Okay, uh, uh, then-then, uhhhh we'll hide.
Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge.
Frank: Then we'll fight for!
Peanut: I ain't fightin' alongside a bunch of fruits!
Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjobs.
Curry Paste: So, we cannot run, we cannot hide, and we cannot stand up to them because they're **** gods, and they're immortal! So, basically, there's no hope, and we're royally ****!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring to cookbook page] Or this? [A Honey Drippers cereal box turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of cereal]
Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
Apple: Me neither!
Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing!
Ice Cream: Yeah, I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just, uh...a theory!
Frank: No, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your **** eyes. Don't be so weak.
Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
Refried Beans: You, señor have no bedside manner!
Frank: What, I have bedside manner!
Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of shit!
[the clock changes to 7:00 am behind Frank. The lights automatically switch on. Darren walks behind Frank]
Frank: Oh, no, it's starting! No.
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[They all walk and stand on the corpse's butt. The pizza puts the camera on.]
Frank: You see? There is hope!
Licorice Sugar Rope: Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, asshole.
Frank: No, no, don't worry. I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your beliefs... and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't. Nobody knows everything. But what I do know is that together, we can fight these monsters... and take control of our own lives.
Brenda: Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
Frank: You see? There is hope!
Licorice Sugar Rope: Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, asshole.
Frank: No, no, don't worry. I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your beliefs... and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't. Nobody knows everything. But what I do know is that together, we can fight these monsters... and take control of our own lives.
Brenda: Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
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Frank: Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda: Then, this is it.
Barry: At least we go out together.
[They all grab hands as they're ready to die]
Fat Man: [yells as he gets hit by a ladle thrown by Lavash] OW! What the...?
Lavash: You **** with them...
Sammy Bagel Jr.: You **** with us, bitch! [Lavash keeps throwing ladles at the fat man.] Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.
Brenda: Then, this is it.
Barry: At least we go out together.
[They all grab hands as they're ready to die]
Fat Man: [yells as he gets hit by a ladle thrown by Lavash] OW! What the...?
Lavash: You **** with them...
Sammy Bagel Jr.: You **** with us, bitch! [Lavash keeps throwing ladles at the fat man.] Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.
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Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren: [last words before his death] Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Frank: Ah, help me!
Gum: Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
Douche: ****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can]
Douche: [last words before his death] What's happening out there?!
Barry: Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
Coconut Milk: So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
Peanut: [While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory] Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Tampon: Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren: [last words before his death] Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Frank: Ah, help me!
Gum: Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
Douche: ****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can]
Douche: [last words before his death] What's happening out there?!
Barry: Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
Coconut Milk: So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
Peanut: [While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory] Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Tampon: Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]
View Quote
Frank: We did it.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
[Both kiss]
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Mr. Grits: Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
Mr Grits: Oh, shit. Now it's on.
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.]
Meat Loaf: [Two liquor bottle flash him.] Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Squash: Oh!
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Barry: Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum: [As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.] Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: [As Brenda chokes him.] I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda: [As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.] Oh, yeah. **** you!
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: [Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face] Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy: Oh.
Frank: [Exclaims]
Brenda: Oh!
Teresa: Oh, ****!
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My dick is drained.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
[Both kiss]
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Mr. Grits: Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
Mr Grits: Oh, shit. Now it's on.
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.]
Meat Loaf: [Two liquor bottle flash him.] Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Squash: Oh!
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Barry: Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum: [As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.] Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: [As Brenda chokes him.] I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda: [As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.] Oh, yeah. **** you!
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: [Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face] Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy: Oh.
Frank: [Exclaims]
Brenda: Oh!
Teresa: Oh, ****!
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My dick is drained.
View Quote
[closing scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
[everyone else gasps in shock]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank: Wait, I'm Jewish?
Sammy Bagel Jr: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
Gum: I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
Firewater: **** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal]
[Credits roll]
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
[everyone else gasps in shock]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank: Wait, I'm Jewish?
Sammy Bagel Jr: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
Gum: I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
Firewater: **** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal]
[Credits roll]
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