Barry
[Barry, Krinkler's Chips, and Toilet Paper tried to figure out how to get back to Shopwell's]
Shit.
Krinkler's Chips: How the **** does this thing work?
Barry
I wish this god would wake up already. How am I supposed to get back to Frank?
Gum
Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
Barry
What? Who the hell is that?
TP Toilet Paper
Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
Gum
I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol, Mannitol, Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin, Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc. But for expediency's sake, you can call me... Gum. For 20 years, I was stuck underneath the desk of a brilliant scientist. I was scraped off, and discarded, and eventually, found myself stuck to a shoe that dropped me here. Your home is a supermarket. This is but one of many as your particular chain of supermarkets is ever-expanding unified by a singular purpose: to store food and products for human consumption. The supermarket in the closest physical vicinity to us is here. If the human operates his automotive, the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
Barry
Great. That last part was all you had to say, really.
Douche
[sees Frank]
Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank
Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche
Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren
It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche
Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
Brenda
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche
I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren
[last words before his death]
Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda
Oh, Frank!
Teresa
Hey, bun. Need a boost?
Frank
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Ah, help me!
Gum
Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
Gum
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
Douche
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
Douche
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can] [last words before his death]
What's happening out there?!
Barry
Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
CM Coconut Milk
So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
P Peanut
[While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory]
Yeah!
Barry
It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
T Tampon
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]
Frank
We did it.
Brenda
We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank
Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda
Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda
Oh! Oh, Frank!
Sammy
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
V Vash
Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy
Wait a second. What are you doing?
V Vash
I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda
Oh, Frank!
V Vash
So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy
Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
V Vash
You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
Brenda
[Both kiss]
Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank
Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
Teresa
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
G Mr. Grits
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater
Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
T Twinks
Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
G Mr Grits
Oh, shit. Now it's on.
ML Meat Loaf
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.] [Two liquor bottle flash him.]
Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Barry
Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
Barry
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
S Sally
Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry
You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
G Mr. Grits
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum
[As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.]
Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank
[As Brenda chokes him.]
I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy
What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda
[As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.]
Oh, yeah. **** you!
V Vash
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy
[Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face]
Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry
I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy
Oh.
Frank
[Exclaims]
Brenda
Oh!
Teresa
Oh, ****!
FB Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Oooooh!
Lavash
My dick is drained.
Firewater
[closing scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
Gum
While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater
The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
Frank
[everyone else gasps in shock]
What?
Firewater
You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank
Wait, I'm Jewish?
Sammy Bagel Jr
So... who am I?
Gum
You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Gum
Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
Gum
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
Firewater
**** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank
You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
Brenda
As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal] [Credits roll]
