Frank [Frank, Carl, Barry and Troy notices that an evil manager named Darren comes to the Sausages and Buns bin]
SHIT! It's the Dark Lord!
OP Old Pork Sausage
No, wait! I'm still fresh, I swear! I'm still FRESH! [Darren takes the Old Pork Sausage and throws it away in the garbage]
Frank No way!
Oh God! No! Take anyone, but us! Please! [Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]
**** you, weenies. [throws a package of screaming sausages into the garbage can; sighs] ****, I hate this **** job!
Frank Hey, Brenda. What up, girl? [chuckles] Sorry about those guys. They're such **** dicks, right?
[off-screen]
Uh, I can hear you, dude.
Frank [turns to Carl]
Shut up, **** you. [turns back to Brenda] So looks like tomorrow's the big day, huh? [chuckles] You and me, finally gonna be official.
I'm so happy the Gods put our packages together.
Frank It's because, we belong together.
It's like, we were made for each other.
Frank I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty **** nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so. [laughs]
Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.
Frank Oh, sweet **** ****. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
BF Both Frank and Brenda
Just the tips?
I can't believe we're doing this.
Frank I know. We're so naughty. [Laughs]
[Frank and Brenda are about to touch the tips but then stop]
But it's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.
Frank No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
FB Frank & Brenda
[Frank and Brenda then touch the tips]
Ah.
Frank Ooh. Oh yeah, go in there.
Frank Oh, you wouldn't dare.
HM Honey Mustard
WAKE UP! They're lying to your **** faces! THE GREAT BEYOND IS BULLSHIT! Why isn't anyone listening to me?!
Frank Hey, buddy. Are you alright?
HM Honey Mustard
NO! I'm not alright! It's all a lie! Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.
Hey, Honey Mustard, you acting cray-cray!
Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, what is he? Honey? Is he mustard? It's like, make up your mind, or just kill yourself.
HM Honey Mustard
You **** idiots! I've been there. I've seen that shit, and there ain't no way I'm going back.
Frank Wait, wait, wait, wait, you've been to the Great Beyond?
HM Honey Mustard
"Great", my ASSHOLE! Everything we've ever known is a dirt-covered pile of shit, jacking off in our **** faces, covering our eyes with their ****, so ****-covered we can't **** see! We don't know! We don't know they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!
Dude, shut up, the gods are gonna hear you talking about them...
HM Honey Mustard
They ain't gods. They're monsters! Horrible, ugly, disgusting, monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice. [gives the human the finger] **** YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.
[rushes to the shopper]
No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! I could still... get up in there. Oh, my God! MY NOZZ! MY MOTHER**** NOZZ!
Frank You okay?
Yo, did you two do this to me?! Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly **** up?!
Frank Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. But, you know what, you should be happy you're alive.
Frank Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead, look at him, he's right there!
PB Peanut Butter
[wailing]
JELLY! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
You think I give a **** about PB or J? **** this! I'mma kick your ass. How you like them apples?
No, not you. Come at me, bro.
Frank Come at you? What does that mean?
Fine. You won't come at me? Well then, guess who's comin' at you. Me!
Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was YOU! You cocksucking bagel ****face!
You pushed me out of the cart! No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
I pushed YOU? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda which even that I didn't push, you know? I passive-aggressively nudged. I reached out in a panic. It was Toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me!
Hey, I was just trying to save Frank.
Frank Yeah, I'm Frank.
The fault is YOURS then, huh?
Frank Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Well, it did, and now you and your stupid useless bun have **** us all!
Hey, who are you calling useless, you flappy ****?
Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
UGH! [Prepares to fight Lavash, but Sammy holds her back]
Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener **** over here.
[Frank enters Firewater's cave and finds Firewater himself chanting "Hi ya. How are ya?" at a fire. Firewater stops when he sees Frank.]
Hi ya. How are ya?
Frank Hi ya. How are ya? Uh, I'm Frank. Are you... Firewater?
Frank What are you doing in this cave?
I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle, majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of goddamn **** crackers!
Frank Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. Uh, okay, anyway, look, I was told that you might have some answers.
Answers I have, but first... [throws salt into the fire, conjuring an image of a question mark] I must know the question.
Frank Okay, well, before I saw him jump to his death, Honey Mustard said that the Great Beyond is bullshit and the gods are monsters, and I always kinda thought that it didn't quite add up. So, I, I, I guess my question is what, what really happens in the Great Beyond?
[after smoking a hit in a kazoo]
To find that which you seek, all you must do is look deep... into my Bag of Wonderment. [pulls out a large sack]
Frank Whoa.... [looks into the bag] I don't see anything.
Deeper, deeper, deeper... [Frank leans closer into the bag] Put your whole head in the bag there. There you go.
Frank Just say when, I'm just gonna keep going in.
[Suddenly the bag is closed around Frank, and everything turns pitch black except for his eyes]
Guys, get out here! Help me kill this prick!
G Mr. Grits
Damn! This mother****er knows too much! We get off his ass!
Someone hand me a blade! I'll gut this ****!
T Twink
No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods!
Oh, he's right. Take off the Bag of Wonderment. [Frank is released from the bag]
Frank Who are you?
G Mr. Grits
We the "None" perishables, mother****er.
We are.... immortal. This here's Twink. And Grits.
G Mr. Grits
They call me Mr. Grits.
Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
G Mr. Grits
You told him about the crackers?
Yeah, I told him about the crackers. [to Frank] You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here. [shudders]
G Mr. Grits
**** the crackers. I'm gonna **** them crackers right in the crack of they cracker asses. Crack-ass crackers...
Frank Well, why were you gonna kill me? All I did was ask what happens in the Great Beyond! Geez! What's the big whoop?
G Mr. Grits
[the Nonperishables huddle up]
We can't tell this sausage ass mother****er the truth. We just met his ass.
T Twink
He basically knows it already. Maybe it's... it's time to end this.
I am tired of all the lies. Prepare yourself, for you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Anybody wanna hit before we get into this? Twink?
G Mr. Grits
Shit, if we smokin', I'll hit it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
G Mr. Grits
Pass the weed, mother****er. [takes a hit of Sativa] Goddamn. [coughs twice] Whoo, whoo! This indica?
Nah, man. Sativa! It's good shit. Clean high.
Frank [Mr. Grits hands him the kazoo]
Oh, no thanks.
Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some. [Frank gulps and takes a big hit of Sativa and coughs nonstop]
[in the Nonperishables' cave, Frank is still coughing after taking a big hit of Sativa]
It's good shit, isn't it?
Frank [coughs]
Okay, okay, I'm super baked, and my friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
[Takes a hit of Sativa from the Kazoo]
Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... [blows] We invented it!
Frank What?!
I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our asses.
Frank What are you, crazy? That doesn't make any sense! Why would the gods wanna kill us? It makes no sense.
Uh, because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives 'em power and it's never enough. Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy! I mean, ****.
Frank OK, you guys are **** nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking? Too **** much is how much.
We blaze for real, 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So we, the Nonperishables, created a story: the story of the Great Beyond, a place where the gods care for you and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shiting themselves.
Frank Wait, wait. So, you're telling me you wrote the song?
I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink here is my lyricist. We both drop it right and drop it all the time. Boom! The melody came to me one night, when I was getting super, super, super baked, like ****-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook, it caught on, you know. In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... ****y. The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views. **** with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish. Now, every morning, when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the **** are you guys saying? I mean, wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit! I love juice! Always have! Juice are hilarious! Who the **** do these guys think they are?!" Anyway, at least it's distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
Frank So that means Carl & Barry are dead?
I don't know who those dudes are, but if they went out those doors?
G Grits
[smoking Sativa from the pipe]
Dead [coughs] as a mother****er. [coughs twice]
Frank Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I-I gotta tell everybody.
Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Huh yeah, that's a good point. **** me, right?
Frank Wait! You guys have any proof of this?
T Twink
[Firewater and Grits turn to Twink who walks up to Frank]
Go to the dark aisle, beyond the ice.
Frank Why? What's in that aisle?
T Twink
Oh, you'll see. But I warn you: Once you see that shit, it'll **** you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! [Kisses Frank on the lips and runs off laughing]
[Frank then leaves]
Hey, Grits, pack another bowl, will ya? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
Frank [Frank climbs up to one of the shopkeeper counters, holding a page out of the cookbook. He activates the cameras, broadcasting himself to the rest of the store]
Um, friends, ramen, [Ramen look at each other and shrug] Country Club Lemonade.
CC Country Club Lemonade Can
Huh?
Frank Lend me your ears...o-of corn.
Frank I'm Frank, a-and I'm a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bullshit!
CM Chunk Munchers Cereal
That's crazy talk!
Frank I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof! [shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten]
LR Licorice Rope
What is this!?
R Relish
It's... It's murder!
W-what, what about the extra virgin olive oil?! My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps! I can't! [ululates, the other items on the Halal shelf join in; on the Kosher shelf, the food items have turned and are presumed praying, as if they were at the Western Wall]
Frank Okay, whoa, whoa, easy, guys, easy, look, I have a plan! We can run!
IC Ice Cream
I can't run! I'll melt!
Frank Okay, uh, uh, then-then, uhhhh we'll hide.
BO Bag of Dog Food
Where? I'm huge.
Frank Then we'll fight for!
P Peanut
I ain't fightin' alongside a bunch of fruits!
W Watermelon
Whatever, you nutjobs.
CP Curry Paste
So, we cannot run, we cannot hide, and we cannot stand up to them because they're **** gods, and they're immortal! So, basically, there's no hope, and we're royally ****!
CM Chunk Munchers Cereal
Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring to cookbook page] Or this? [A Honey Drippers cereal box turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of cereal]
W Watermelon
I don't like bad things.
CP Curry Paste
We choose the more pleasant thing!
IC Ice Cream
Yeah, I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just, uh...a theory!
Frank No, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your **** eyes. Don't be so weak.
Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
RB Refried Beans
You, señor have no bedside manner!
Frank What, I have bedside manner!
FF Frozen Fruitz
You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
S Sauerkraut
You intolerant piece of shit!
Frank [the clock changes to 7:00 am behind Frank. The lights automatically switch on. Darren walks behind Frank]
Oh, no, it's starting! No.
[sees Frank]
Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Oh, my God! Frank!
I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
[last words before his death]
Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Frank [Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Ah, help me!
Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can] [last words before his death]
What's happening out there?!
Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
CM Coconut Milk
So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
P Peanut
[While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory]
Yeah!
It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
T Tampon
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]
Frank We did it.
We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
V Vash
Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Wait a second. What are you doing?
V Vash
I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
V Vash
So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
V Vash
You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
[Both kiss]
Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
G Mr. Grits
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Jesus **** Christ!
Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
T Twinks
Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
G Mr Grits
Oh, shit. Now it's on.
ML Meat Loaf
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.] [Two liquor bottle flash him.]
Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
S Sally
Yeah. I got smushed.
You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
G Mr. Grits
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
[As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.]
Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank [As Brenda chokes him.]
I can't breathe! Stop it!
What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
[As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.]
Oh, yeah. **** you!
V Vash
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Yeah. That is all right.
[Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face]
Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Frank [Exclaims]
FB Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Oooooh!
[closing scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
Frank [everyone else gasps in shock]
What?
You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank Wait, I'm Jewish?
You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
**** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal] [Credits roll]
