Officer Michaels [While breaking up a party]
I assume you all have guns and crack.
Played by Seth Rogen 
Superbad (2007) · 129 quotes
Superbad (2007) · 129 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Superbad (2007): in 37 of its 129 quotes
Most scenes with: Seth (10), Evan (8), Fogell (7)
This jobs isn't really how y'know shows like CSI make it out to be. I mean when I first joined the force I assumed there was semen on everything! And there was some sort of semen database that had every bad guy's semen in it. There isn't! That doesn't exist! It'd be nice. Like that crime scene today; If the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we would have a real good shot at catching him! But no.. just a punch in the face, no semen... Story of my life...
More lines from Officer Michaels
11 quotes Officer Michaels Officer Michaels [Out of breath]
That kid's a freak! He's a freak, he's the fastest kid alive!
Officer Michaels The only evidence this is is that you can take a hit like a ****in' champ!
Officer Michaels Set course for Bailey's Bar & Grill, Warp 10 - engage!
Officer Michaels [While breaking up a party]
Everyone prepare to be **** by the long dick of the law!
Officer Michaels McLovin's our friend! We should be guiding his ****, not blocking it.
Officer Michaels McLovin!!! NICE!!!
Officer Michaels Shall we get road beers? Yeah? Can I have thirteen beers to go please.
Officer Michaels [While shooting a stop sign, hears police sirens]
Oh shit, it's the cops! Bail, bail, bail!
Officer Michaels Are the numbers on your side odd or even, McLovin?
Officer Michaels We shouldn't be ****-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his ****.
Scenes with Officer Michaels
25 scenes
Alright now guys, check this out... probably the greatest move in donut-spinning history, you paying attention? Behold the upward spiraling pigtail!
Officer Michaels Why is it called that?
I don't know!
Officer Michaels Make the badge proud, Slater! [to Fogell] He's not usually this drunk when he does this, but I think that could make it more cool.
Can I hold your gun?
Officer Michaels I think everyone should hold a gun at least twice.
You have such a smooth ****!
Yeah, you would too... if you were a man.
Officer Michaels That's such a cool name.
I know.
Officer Michaels It sounds like a sexy hamburger.
McLovin
What's it like to have guns?
Officer Michaels It's like having two ****... if one of your **** could kill someone!
Mmmm, I'm so wet!
Yeah... they told us that would happen in health class...
Look at those nipples...
They look like little baby toes.
It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Y'know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome! I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
[referring to Evan's mother]
I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Officer Michaels I dunno.
Officer Michaels [Offers Fogell his gun]
Can you?
Fogel
[Fogell empties the rest of the magazine at the car in a frenzy]
Tight...
I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
[His partner is tying on his apron]
Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher [Teacher is in disbelief of Seth's speech]
All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
I still think you have a chance with Jules man. Really I mean she got incredibly hot over the summer and she obviously hasn't realized it yet cause she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.
Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like **** Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.
I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, y'know? I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar I want a little production value, y'know like some editing, transition, something, some music...
Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?
Wait for me Nicola! Wait for me on the outside!
Nicola We were gonna go to Hawaii...
Enjoy your remaining years!
Old Lady I will. Enjoy **** Jules!
I will!
Jules Seth, are you crying?
No I just have something in both my eyes...
I got a boner!
Nicola Ha ha good. Do you have a condom?
Yes...and lube!
Michaels Get the hell outta here right now...
Get outta here pal she's not interested...
Michaels Drop the crantini and move it, sister...
See ya sugar tits!
I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.
Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
I can get you guys alcohol.
Jules Really? Seriously?
Yes, for sure.
Jules That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.
[After Slater and Michaels pretend to arrest Fogel in front of a crowd of teenagers]
This is gonna get you so much ass.
Really?
Kid
[Walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]
Pussy!
Gym Teacher Seth, get off the field
Gym Teacher You're getting that!
No, I'm not!
Officer Michaels You know, this job, though, isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Yup.
Officer Michaels If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.
Hell yeah!
Officer Michaels I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels Could smell it out like a rat.
Smell it out. Anything.
Officer Michaels Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.
No way.
Officer Michaels Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.
Officer Michaels Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming".
What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels It is...awesome! I mean, I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two ****. If one of your **** could kill someone.
