Sammy Bagel Jr. quotes from Sausage Party (2016)

View Quote Lavash: Get away from me. Don't touch me. It was YOU! You cocksucking bagel ****face!
Cereal: Hey, watch it!
Lavash: You pushed me out of the cart! No surprise there, huh? A bagel trying to kill a lavash, once again.
Sammy Bagel Jr.: I pushed YOU? What are you, nuts? Why would I do that? I'm a pacifist. The only thing I've ever pushed is my peaceful agenda which even that I didn't push, you know? I passive-aggressively nudged. I reached out in a panic. It was Toots over here, the bun. She grabbed me!
Brenda: Hey, I was just trying to save Frank.
Lavash: Who is Frank? You?
Frank: Yeah, I'm Frank.
Lavash: The fault is YOURS then, huh?
Frank: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Lavash: Well, it did, and now you and your stupid useless bun have **** us all!
Brenda: Hey, who are you calling useless, you flappy ****?
Lavash: Sausage, control your insolent bun. And cover her up already. Show some modesty, woman.
Brenda: UGH! [Prepares to fight Lavash, but Sammy holds her back]
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Hey, hey. Look, can we all just, you know, calm down a notch, please? Let's try to be, I don't know, amicable. I'm Sammy Bagel Jr. You know, I'm happy to meet all of you. Except for this meshuggener **** over here.

View Quote [Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her]
Tequila: [walks inside] Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
Brenda: [gasps] Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Refried Beans: Qué?
Douche: Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here!
Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
Salsa: No way! José!
Douche: YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
El Guaco: Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!

View Quote [Frank climbs up to one of the shopkeeper counters, holding a page out of the cookbook. He activates the cameras, broadcasting himself to the rest of the store]
Frank: Um, friends, ramen, [Ramen look at each other and shrug] Country Club Lemonade.
Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
Frank: Lend me your ears...o-of corn.
Corn: [sighs]
Frank: I'm Frank, a-and I'm a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bullshit!
Curry Paste: WHAT?!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
Lettuce: You liar!
Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof! [shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten]
Licorice Rope: What is this!?
Relish: It's... It's murder!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: Th-this, makes no sense!
Lavash: W-what, what about the extra virgin olive oil?! My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps! I can't! [ululates, the other items on the Halal shelf join in; on the Kosher shelf, the food items have turned and are presumed praying, as if they were at the Western Wall]
Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy, guys, easy, look, I have a plan! We can run!
Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
Frank: Okay, uh, uh, then-then, uhhhh we'll hide.
Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge.
Frank: Then we'll fight for!
Peanut: I ain't fightin' alongside a bunch of fruits!
Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjobs.
Curry Paste: So, we cannot run, we cannot hide, and we cannot stand up to them because they're **** gods, and they're immortal! So, basically, there's no hope, and we're royally ****!
Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring to cookbook page] Or this? [A Honey Drippers cereal box turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of cereal]
Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
Apple: Me neither!
Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing!
Ice Cream: Yeah, I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just, uh...a theory!
Frank: No, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your **** eyes. Don't be so weak.
Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
Refried Beans: You, señor have no bedside manner!
Frank: What, I have bedside manner!
Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
Sauerkraut: You intolerant piece of shit!
[the clock changes to 7:00 am behind Frank. The lights automatically switch on. Darren walks behind Frank]
Frank: Oh, no, it's starting! No.

View Quote Frank: Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda: Then, this is it.
Barry: At least we go out together.
[They all grab hands as they're ready to die]
Fat Man: [yells as he gets hit by a ladle thrown by Lavash] OW! What the...?
Lavash: You **** with them...
Sammy Bagel Jr.: You **** with us, bitch! [Lavash keeps throwing ladles at the fat man.] Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum: Hop on, y'all.

View Quote [closing scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
[everyone else gasps in shock]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank: Wait, I'm Jewish?
Sammy Bagel Jr: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
Gum: I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
Firewater: **** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal]
[Credits roll]