Firewater quotes from Sausage Party (2016)
Played by Bill Hader
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[Frank enters Firewater's cave and finds Firewater himself chanting "Hi ya. How are ya?" at a fire. Firewater stops when he sees Frank.]
Firewater: Hi ya. How are ya?
Frank: Hi ya. How are ya? Uh, I'm Frank. Are you... Firewater?
Firewater: Mmm-hmm.
Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
Firewater: I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle, majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of goddamn **** crackers!
Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. Uh, okay, anyway, look, I was told that you might have some answers.
Firewater: Answers I have, but first... [throws salt into the fire, conjuring an image of a question mark] I must know the question.
Frank: Okay, well, before I saw him jump to his death, Honey Mustard said that the Great Beyond is bullshit and the gods are monsters, and I always kinda thought that it didn't quite add up. So, I, I, I guess my question is what, what really happens in the Great Beyond?
Firewater: [after smoking a hit in a kazoo] To find that which you seek, all you must do is look deep... into my Bag of Wonderment. [pulls out a large sack]
Frank: Whoa.... [looks into the bag] I don't see anything.
Firewater: Deeper, deeper, deeper... [Frank leans closer into the bag] Put your whole head in the bag there. There you go.
Frank: Just say when, I'm just gonna keep going in.
[Suddenly the bag is closed around Frank, and everything turns pitch black except for his eyes]
Firewater: Guys, get out here! Help me kill this prick!
Mr. Grits: Damn! This mother****er knows too much! We get off his ass!
Firewater: Someone hand me a blade! I'll gut this ****!
Twink: No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods!
Firewater: Oh, he's right. Take off the Bag of Wonderment. [Frank is released from the bag]
Frank: Who are you?
Mr. Grits: We the "None" perishables, mother****er.
Twink: We never expire.
Firewater: We are.... immortal. This here's Twink. And Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?
Firewater: Yeah, I told him about the crackers. [to Frank] You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here. [shudders]
Mr. Grits: **** the crackers. I'm gonna **** them crackers right in the crack of they cracker asses. Crack-ass crackers...
Frank: Well, why were you gonna kill me? All I did was ask what happens in the Great Beyond! Geez! What's the big whoop?
[the Nonperishables huddle up]
Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage ass mother****er the truth. We just met his ass.
Twink: He basically knows it already. Maybe it's... it's time to end this.
Firewater: I am tired of all the lies. Prepare yourself, for you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Anybody wanna hit before we get into this? Twink?
Twink: Nah, I'm cool.
Mr. Grits: Shit, if we smokin', I'll hit it.
Firewater: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Mr. Grits: Pass the weed, mother****er. [takes a hit of Sativa] Goddamn. [coughs twice] Whoo, whoo! This indica?
Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa! It's good shit. Clean high.
Frank: [Mr. Grits hands him the kazoo] Oh, no thanks.
Firewater: Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some. [Frank gulps and takes a big hit of Sativa and coughs nonstop]
Firewater: Hi ya. How are ya?
Frank: Hi ya. How are ya? Uh, I'm Frank. Are you... Firewater?
Firewater: Mmm-hmm.
Frank: What are you doing in this cave?
Firewater: I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle, majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of goddamn **** crackers!
Frank: Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. Uh, okay, anyway, look, I was told that you might have some answers.
Firewater: Answers I have, but first... [throws salt into the fire, conjuring an image of a question mark] I must know the question.
Frank: Okay, well, before I saw him jump to his death, Honey Mustard said that the Great Beyond is bullshit and the gods are monsters, and I always kinda thought that it didn't quite add up. So, I, I, I guess my question is what, what really happens in the Great Beyond?
Firewater: [after smoking a hit in a kazoo] To find that which you seek, all you must do is look deep... into my Bag of Wonderment. [pulls out a large sack]
Frank: Whoa.... [looks into the bag] I don't see anything.
Firewater: Deeper, deeper, deeper... [Frank leans closer into the bag] Put your whole head in the bag there. There you go.
Frank: Just say when, I'm just gonna keep going in.
[Suddenly the bag is closed around Frank, and everything turns pitch black except for his eyes]
Firewater: Guys, get out here! Help me kill this prick!
Mr. Grits: Damn! This mother****er knows too much! We get off his ass!
Firewater: Someone hand me a blade! I'll gut this ****!
Twink: No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods!
Firewater: Oh, he's right. Take off the Bag of Wonderment. [Frank is released from the bag]
Frank: Who are you?
Mr. Grits: We the "None" perishables, mother****er.
Twink: We never expire.
Firewater: We are.... immortal. This here's Twink. And Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?
Firewater: Yeah, I told him about the crackers. [to Frank] You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here. [shudders]
Mr. Grits: **** the crackers. I'm gonna **** them crackers right in the crack of they cracker asses. Crack-ass crackers...
Frank: Well, why were you gonna kill me? All I did was ask what happens in the Great Beyond! Geez! What's the big whoop?
[the Nonperishables huddle up]
Mr. Grits: We can't tell this sausage ass mother****er the truth. We just met his ass.
Twink: He basically knows it already. Maybe it's... it's time to end this.
Firewater: I am tired of all the lies. Prepare yourself, for you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Anybody wanna hit before we get into this? Twink?
Twink: Nah, I'm cool.
Mr. Grits: Shit, if we smokin', I'll hit it.
Firewater: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Mr. Grits: Pass the weed, mother****er. [takes a hit of Sativa] Goddamn. [coughs twice] Whoo, whoo! This indica?
Firewater: Nah, man. Sativa! It's good shit. Clean high.
Frank: [Mr. Grits hands him the kazoo] Oh, no thanks.
Firewater: Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some. [Frank gulps and takes a big hit of Sativa and coughs nonstop]
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[in the Nonperishables' cave, Frank is still coughing after taking a big hit of Sativa]
Firewater: It's good shit, isn't it?
Frank: [coughs] Okay, okay, I'm super baked, and my friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
Firewater: [Takes a hit of Sativa from the Kazoo] Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... [blows] We invented it!
Frank: What?!
Firewater: I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our asses.
Frank: What are you, crazy? That doesn't make any sense! Why would the gods wanna kill us? It makes no sense.
Firewater: Uh, because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives 'em power and it's never enough. Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy! I mean, ****.
Frank: OK, you guys are **** nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking? Too **** much is how much.
Firewater: We blaze for real, 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So we, the Nonperishables, created a story: the story of the Great Beyond, a place where the gods care for you and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shiting themselves.
Frank: Wait, wait. So, you're telling me you wrote the song?
Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink here is my lyricist. We both drop it right and drop it all the time. Boom! The melody came to me one night, when I was getting super, super, super baked, like ****-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook, it caught on, you know. In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... ****y. The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views. **** with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish. Now, every morning, when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the **** are you guys saying? I mean, wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit! I love juice! Always have! Juice are hilarious! Who the **** do these guys think they are?!" Anyway, at least it's distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
Frank: So that means Carl & Barry are dead?
Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are, but if they went out those doors?
Grits: [smoking Sativa from the pipe] Dead [coughs] as a mother****er. [coughs twice]
Frank: Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I-I gotta tell everybody.
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater: Huh yeah, that's a good point. **** me, right?
Frank: Wait! You guys have any proof of this?
[Firewater and Grits turn to Twink who walks up to Frank]
Twink: Go to the dark aisle, beyond the ice.
Frank: Why? What's in that aisle?
Twink: Oh, you'll see. But I warn you: Once you see that shit, it'll **** you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! [Kisses Frank on the lips and runs off laughing]
[Frank then leaves]
Firewater: Hey, Grits, pack another bowl, will ya? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
Firewater: It's good shit, isn't it?
Frank: [coughs] Okay, okay, I'm super baked, and my friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
Firewater: [Takes a hit of Sativa from the Kazoo] Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... [blows] We invented it!
Frank: What?!
Firewater: I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our asses.
Frank: What are you, crazy? That doesn't make any sense! Why would the gods wanna kill us? It makes no sense.
Firewater: Uh, because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives 'em power and it's never enough. Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy! I mean, ****.
Frank: OK, you guys are **** nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking? Too **** much is how much.
Firewater: We blaze for real, 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So we, the Nonperishables, created a story: the story of the Great Beyond, a place where the gods care for you and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shiting themselves.
Frank: Wait, wait. So, you're telling me you wrote the song?
Firewater: I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink here is my lyricist. We both drop it right and drop it all the time. Boom! The melody came to me one night, when I was getting super, super, super baked, like ****-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook, it caught on, you know. In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... ****y. The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views. **** with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish. Now, every morning, when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the **** are you guys saying? I mean, wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit! I love juice! Always have! Juice are hilarious! Who the **** do these guys think they are?!" Anyway, at least it's distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
Frank: So that means Carl & Barry are dead?
Firewater: I don't know who those dudes are, but if they went out those doors?
Grits: [smoking Sativa from the pipe] Dead [coughs] as a mother****er. [coughs twice]
Frank: Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I-I gotta tell everybody.
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater: Huh yeah, that's a good point. **** me, right?
Frank: Wait! You guys have any proof of this?
[Firewater and Grits turn to Twink who walks up to Frank]
Twink: Go to the dark aisle, beyond the ice.
Frank: Why? What's in that aisle?
Twink: Oh, you'll see. But I warn you: Once you see that shit, it'll **** you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! [Kisses Frank on the lips and runs off laughing]
[Frank then leaves]
Firewater: Hey, Grits, pack another bowl, will ya? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
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Frank: We did it.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
[Both kiss]
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Mr. Grits: Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
Mr Grits: Oh, shit. Now it's on.
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.]
Meat Loaf: [Two liquor bottle flash him.] Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Squash: Oh!
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Barry: Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum: [As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.] Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: [As Brenda chokes him.] I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda: [As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.] Oh, yeah. **** you!
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: [Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face] Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy: Oh.
Frank: [Exclaims]
Brenda: Oh!
Teresa: Oh, ****!
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My dick is drained.
Brenda: We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank: Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda: Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda: Oh! Oh, Frank!
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
Sammy: You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash: Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy: Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash: I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Vash: So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy: Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash: You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
[Both kiss]
Brenda: Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank: Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Teresa: Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Mr. Grits: Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater: Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks: Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
Mr Grits: Oh, shit. Now it's on.
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.]
Meat Loaf: [Two liquor bottle flash him.] Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Squash: Oh!
Barry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Barry: Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally: Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry: You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Mr. Grits: Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum: [As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.] Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank: [As Brenda chokes him.] I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy: What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda: [As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.] Oh, yeah. **** you!
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Vash: Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy: [Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face] Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry: I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy: Oh.
Frank: [Exclaims]
Brenda: Oh!
Teresa: Oh, ****!
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy: Oooooh!
Lavash: My dick is drained.
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[closing scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
[everyone else gasps in shock]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank: Wait, I'm Jewish?
Sammy Bagel Jr: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
Gum: I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
Firewater: **** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal]
[Credits roll]
Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
[everyone else gasps in shock]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
Frank: Wait, I'm Jewish?
Sammy Bagel Jr: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
Gum: I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
Firewater: **** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
Frank: You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
Brenda: As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal]
[Credits roll]
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