Douche quotes from Sausage Party (2016)

View Quote Douche: Yo! Oh, ****! Yeah, dude! Somebody call a doctor, 'cause honestly, this beat is sick.
Beet: Actually, I feel great. Real healthy.
Douche: Not you. The beat! The song, bro! [beatboxing] Holy shit, Chips! C-H-I-P-S! Chips, chips, chips, chips! I've known you forever, bro. And I would never disrespect you with a lie. I will tell you very much that you look **** disgusting, bro.
Chips: Oh, come on.
Douche: Nah, I'm just messing with you, bro. But for reals, you gotta hit the gym, bro.

View Quote Douche: Oh, no. Bro! Douche down! I'm out of my **** box!
Chicken Noodle Soup: [While he got ripped his gut] Cream of Mushroom? Are you there?
[Then a banana got killed after his face peeled off and lied down, then Jelly is dead after she fell and broke her lower part.]
Peanut Butter: Wake up! I'm nothing without you! [Crying for his wife.]
Brenda: Frank, woah!
[Then Frank looks at a cookie who looks at her cookie top and when she turns around, she's seen without her cookie back top. Then Brenda moves at Frank and pins him.]
Brenda: Frank! Move your **** ass!
[Then the forward part of the shopping cart comes and roars like a lion and a big gorilla, as all they're surprised.]
Various foods: Help! Half a moon!
Prune: 'Oh' my God!

View Quote Douche: [rushes to the shopper] No, no, no. Wait, babe, wait. Please hold up. No, don't go. Come on. I can still get up in there! I could still... get up in there. Oh, my God! MY NOZZ! MY MOTHER**** NOZZ!
Frank: You okay?
Brenda: I think so.
Douche: Yo, did you two do this to me?! Are you two responsible for my nozzle being irrepressibly **** up?!
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man. Easy.
Brenda: Yeah, your nozzle's bent. Sorry. But, you know what, you should be happy you're alive.
Frank: Yeah, Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead, look at him, he's right there!
Peanut Butter: [wailing] JELLY! I'm gonna fix you. I'm gonna fix this.
Douche: You think I give a **** about PB or J? **** this! I'mma kick your ass. How you like them apples?
Apple: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you. Come at me, bro.
Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?
Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well then, guess who's comin' at you. Me!

View Quote Douche: No disrespect, but you look **** gross, bro. Look at you! **** bent ass busted ass noz. [notices leak] Oh! Oh, great! You're leaking all your juice out! Can I ask you a question, me? Why would a god let you up in her smooth, perfect slizz when you can't even squirt? YOU GOT NOTHING TO SQUIRT! [bangs his head several times, then falls over and sobs] I got no purpose. I'm nothing!
Juicius Maximus: Is someone there? Help me, someone. Help me. Help me. Help.
Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh, bro? And right out of your **** dingle. [Coughs] **** sucks, right?
Juicius Maximus: Dying. So cold.
Douche: Oh. Uh-oh. Lightbulb.
Lightbulb: Yes?
Douche: No, not **** you, dummy! I think I might be forming some beginnings of what could be the flower that blossoms into an idea. If you **** tell anyone about this, I'm gonna deny it, bro. [Drinks Juicius’ crotch] ****. This is some next-level shit, dude. You **** like that? I'm juicing up! [Laughing Evilly] I'm like a full-on juicehead now, bro! [Laughs Evilly] Yeah! I got a new purpose now. Revenge! Where's that **** sausage?! 'Cause this Douche is DTFSU: DOWN TO **** A SAUSAGE UP! I'M COMING FOR YOU!

View Quote [Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her]
Tequila: [walks inside] Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
Lavash: [squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.] Get your nose out of my crotch!
Sammy Bagel Jr.: "Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Brenda: Hey, why are we hiding?
Teresa: Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
Brenda: [gasps] Who?
Teresa: The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
Mexican Food Product 1: [quietly] El Dou-che.
Mexican Food Product 2: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Mexican Food Product 3: [quietly] El Dou-che!
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Refried Beans: Qué?
Douche: Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
Brenda: [looks out from the closet] Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
Tequila: They were just here!
Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
Tequila: Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
Douche: [calms down] Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
Salsa: No way! José!
Douche: YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
Teresa Del Taco: [watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids] Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
El Guaco: Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
Douche: And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!

View Quote Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
Brenda: Oh, ****.
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here, a taco?! A whiny doughnut?! [referring to Lavash] Some stupid floppy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is! Okay, so... [A queso cheese comes up behind him]
Queso: Did someone say "Queso"?
Douche: That's a **** stretch, and you know it, Queso! [Queso rolls away] So where was I? Oh, right. I was about to beat on you most viciously... and in my opinion appropriately, to find the whereabouts of the sausage who destroyed my body and my [Brenda rips the sticker off Douche] ****...
Brenda: Run for your lives!
Douche: ****, that HURTS so much!

View Quote Douche: [laughing evilly] I'M **** JACKED UP NOW, BRO! [laughing evilly] WHERE'S THAT **** "SAUZEECH"?!

View Quote Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but **** it, you know? Hole's a hole, bro. [laughs evilly]
Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man! Slap it, slap yourself in the face, man! Oh, man, you lost your mind, is this even, no way, this isn't real. No, this can't be real.
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
[Darren turns around and points to Douche with a 500 S&W Magnum revolver]
Darren: Wha... [gasps in horror] A talking douche!
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no, no, this is too much! This is too much. It's too much, breathe, man!
Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling honestly, the two of us could, like, collaborate together, like a mashup, bro.
Darren: A mashup? I-I don't understand. What's happening?
Douche: You don't need to understand. [Douche unzips Darren's zipper and goes inside his pants.] You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait, what are you, what are you doing?!
[Douche sticks his nozzle up Darren's anus, causing him to groan]
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: DUDE! that went up my ass!
Douche: [laughs] Now, stand up!

View Quote Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Brenda: Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren: [last words before his death] Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda: Oh, Frank!
Teresa: Hey, bun. Need a boost?
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Frank: Ah, help me!
Gum: Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Gum: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
Douche: ****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can]
Douche: [last words before his death] What's happening out there?!
Barry: Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
Coconut Milk: So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
Peanut: [While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory] Yeah!
Barry: It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Tampon: Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]