Professor Poopypants quotes from Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017)
Played by Nick Kroll
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[German accent] A science teacher? THE PERFECT COVER!!! [laughs sinisterly]
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[to everyone] YOU KEEP YOUR STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!! I do not want it anymore!
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Hiya, class! I am your cool new teacher, not some scary guy with an evil agenda.
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Yeah, scram, okay? We are closed for Ebola!
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It cannot be! Their Hahaguffawchuckleamaluses, THEY ARE ENORMOUS!!!
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WHY DO NOT YOU GO ON AND INVENT YOUR OWN SHRINKING AND ENLARGING RAY, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SMART?!?! [calms down, noticing everyone staring] How much of that was out loud?
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There is nothing funny about PROFESSOR PEE-PEE DIARHEASTEIN POOPYPANTS ESQUIRE!
Scenes with Professor Poopypants
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Professor Poopypants: [after catching George and Harold for creating a comic about him; to Captain Underpants] Ah, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
Captain Underpants: [adds many A’s to the school sign as part of his catchphrase] How many A's are there in "Tra-la-laa"?
Professor Poopypants: What?
Captain Underpants: I'll just go with 11. Enjoying your first day, Professor?
Professor Poopypants: The complete opposite, actually! Look at what these little monsters have created! [gives the comic book to Captain Underpants] We must lock them up, probably like, forever!
Captain Underpants: [examines the comic book] Hmm... Oh, my. This is not a comic! This… is a history book.
Professor Poopypants: [takes back the comic book] What?
[George and Harold chuckle from behind.]
Captain Underpants: And as such, it should be taught in every classroom. And you, yourself, must teach it. Because that is how good it is.
Professor Poopypants: I don't understand. I thought, like, we'd be on the same page here.
Captain Underpants: Oh, what page is that? I'm on page 9 here. It's fantastic. Look. It's about this evil science teacher, who looks a lot like you, by the way, and he wants to rid the world of laughter, but he couldn't figure out how to do it. Even worse, it seems like everywhere he went, people were having fun and laughing. It was just infuriating! But then, he discovers someone who wasn't. [as Anti-Humor Boy] I don't get it! Why is it funny? [in his normal voice] ANTI-HUMOR BOY! And then the professor said... [as Professor Poopypants] Very interesting. [in his normal voice again] That's my voice for him.
Professor Poopypants: Wait, wait, wait, gimme that. [snatches the comic] That's not Anti-Humor Boy. That's the... suck-up from class. Very interesting. [laughs, to George and Harold] You boys don't even realize it but your silly comic book just helped me figure out how to wipe out laughter on the entire...
[The same car from earlier hits Poopypants.]
Driver 1: Out of the road, bozo!
Professor Poopypants: HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! You just hit Professor Poopypants!
Driver 1: [hears his name] Poopypants? [laughs and drives away]
Professor Poopypants: That's not funny! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! [gets hit by another car]
Driver 2: EVER HEARD OF A SIDEWALK?!
Professor Poopypants: Oooh, if I had insurance, you'd be in...OW! [finally gets hit by an ice cream truck, his glasses fall off and onto the road] I'll admit that was surprising.
Captain Underpants: [adds many A’s to the school sign as part of his catchphrase] How many A's are there in "Tra-la-laa"?
Professor Poopypants: What?
Captain Underpants: I'll just go with 11. Enjoying your first day, Professor?
Professor Poopypants: The complete opposite, actually! Look at what these little monsters have created! [gives the comic book to Captain Underpants] We must lock them up, probably like, forever!
Captain Underpants: [examines the comic book] Hmm... Oh, my. This is not a comic! This… is a history book.
Professor Poopypants: [takes back the comic book] What?
[George and Harold chuckle from behind.]
Captain Underpants: And as such, it should be taught in every classroom. And you, yourself, must teach it. Because that is how good it is.
Professor Poopypants: I don't understand. I thought, like, we'd be on the same page here.
Captain Underpants: Oh, what page is that? I'm on page 9 here. It's fantastic. Look. It's about this evil science teacher, who looks a lot like you, by the way, and he wants to rid the world of laughter, but he couldn't figure out how to do it. Even worse, it seems like everywhere he went, people were having fun and laughing. It was just infuriating! But then, he discovers someone who wasn't. [as Anti-Humor Boy] I don't get it! Why is it funny? [in his normal voice] ANTI-HUMOR BOY! And then the professor said... [as Professor Poopypants] Very interesting. [in his normal voice again] That's my voice for him.
Professor Poopypants: Wait, wait, wait, gimme that. [snatches the comic] That's not Anti-Humor Boy. That's the... suck-up from class. Very interesting. [laughs, to George and Harold] You boys don't even realize it but your silly comic book just helped me figure out how to wipe out laughter on the entire...
[The same car from earlier hits Poopypants.]
Driver 1: Out of the road, bozo!
Professor Poopypants: HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! You just hit Professor Poopypants!
Driver 1: [hears his name] Poopypants? [laughs and drives away]
Professor Poopypants: That's not funny! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! [gets hit by another car]
Driver 2: EVER HEARD OF A SIDEWALK?!
Professor Poopypants: Oooh, if I had insurance, you'd be in...OW! [finally gets hit by an ice cream truck, his glasses fall off and onto the road] I'll admit that was surprising.
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Professor Poopypants: [holds the shrunken school] [chuckles] Look what I've got. A tiny school filled with tiny children... [they look outside the window, shriek and run away] and their tiny teachers whose tiny salaries reflect their size and also... the value society puts on education.
Captain Underpants: [grabs the school] I'll take that!
Professor Poopypants: [turns his attention to the gun] Oh! Then I'll take that!
[Harold slaps the giant man with his huge hand.]
Professor Poopypants: [in pain] Ow! Did you just slap me?
Harold: Yes, I did. And you deserved it.
Professor Poopypants: No, I didn't! Your hand is huge! That hurt a lot! Give it back, it's mine! [grabs the gun]
Harold: [grabs the gun as well] No! Hands off!
Professor Poopypants: No fair! No backsies!
Harold: [fights over the gun] Give it to me!
Professor Poopypants: [fights over the gun] Would you just give me that?
[Harold accidentally shrinks Poopypants' head.]
Professor Poopypants: [screams] Now look what you've done!
Captain Underpants: [grabs the school] I'll take that!
Professor Poopypants: [turns his attention to the gun] Oh! Then I'll take that!
[Harold slaps the giant man with his huge hand.]
Professor Poopypants: [in pain] Ow! Did you just slap me?
Harold: Yes, I did. And you deserved it.
Professor Poopypants: No, I didn't! Your hand is huge! That hurt a lot! Give it back, it's mine! [grabs the gun]
Harold: [grabs the gun as well] No! Hands off!
Professor Poopypants: No fair! No backsies!
Harold: [fights over the gun] Give it to me!
Professor Poopypants: [fights over the gun] Would you just give me that?
[Harold accidentally shrinks Poopypants' head.]
Professor Poopypants: [screams] Now look what you've done!
Other characters in Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017): Mr. Krupp / Captain Underpants · Harold Hutchins · George Beard · Melvin Sneedly · Edith