Andy 'm a virgin. I always have been.
Played by Brandon Killham 
The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005) · 118 quotes
The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005) · 118 quotes
Most-quoted character in The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005): in 43 of its 118 quotes
Most scenes with: Cal (12), Jay (7), David (3)
Look, who the **** are you to put me on trial, I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, and stop with the inquisition? Ya know what, I don't have to answer to you you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So shit, man, **** it. You should keep your ho on a leash. Hey, bitches be runnin' wild, man.
More lines from Andy
16 quotes Andy Andy I've borked a lot of women in my day.
Andy Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
Andy I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it.
Andy [high pitched voice]
Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Andy I may not have had sex but I'll **** you up!...Y-yeah!
Andy [Andy painting his action figure]
And now I am going to make your silver pants blue.
Andy You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!
Andy [After crashing through a billboard on his bike]
There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.
Andy You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.
Andy Is this that movie about babies that are geniuses?
Andy Hey, enjoy that orange.
Andy Yup. She was a ho. [Pause] For sho.
Andy [When he gets in the fight with Trish]
Okay, first of all I'm not in the stockroom anymore, I'm a floor manager.
Andy [drunk]
I need some poooon!
Andy [drinking punch from glass shaped like Buddha]
Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.
Scenes with Andy
26 scenes
Jill Are you Andy?
Andy Uhh, yeah.
Jill Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..
Andy Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
Andy Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho, for show.
Jill You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy Who the--Who the **** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
Jill That's how you talk?
Andy You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, **** it!
Jill You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
Andy You should keep your ho on a leash.
Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.
What is this, your roofie, your date drug?
Andy It's a Mentos. They're the fresh-maker.
Andy She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.
Andy [Cal starts coughing on his marijuana]
You all right?
Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Andy Yeah.
So, so she's a grandma.
Andy No.
I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a **** grandma.
Andy Yeah, whatever, you know.
She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Andy Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!
That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy Well, she's no Jack Palance.
No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to **** Jack Palance right now.
Andy Wow, this place is crowded.
Yeah, well, you know, nine dollar beer night.
[Mooj has found out Andy is a virgin; extended DVD version]
Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
Andy I'm 40.
Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
Andy Yeah, life's about passion.
It's not about **** and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy {sighs}
It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy (nodding)
It's all about connections.
It's not about tossing salad. It's not about **** and ass and tits.
Andy (uncomfortable)
Hm-hmm.
And butt hole pleasures.
Andy It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice cocktails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy (scared)
OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--
Shit stained balls, and **** swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator **** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
Andy Mooj, just please stop.
Andy You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
Oh, drag, dude.
She's picking you up from here?
Andy Yeah.
That's **** up, man.
Andy Why?
Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
Andy So what?
And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Andy Okay.
Andy That's Oscar Goldman.
Why do you have that?
Andy That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
[Pointing to a framed poster]
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy They did not laugh at me.
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
First, you relax, okay?
Andy Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
Andy [Cal and Andy are looking at the behind of a girl who works in a bookstore]
There's something wrong with her underwear.
Yea, they are not in my mouth.
Andy [Andy is getting his chest waxed and gets wax over his nipple]
Hold my hand.
What?! No.
Andy Hold my god damn hand, man!
Andy [girl tears off the patch]
Nipple ****!!
Andy [referring to his shirt]
Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?
No. What's Curious George like in real life?
Girl
[at the Date-A-Palooza]
Hi!
Andy Hi, how are you?
Girl
I'm fine.
Andy Are you fine?
Girl
Yeah.
Andy You're fine then.
Girl
Are you ****in' ret***ed?! What the hell's the matter with you?!
Andy Do you want me to be ****in' re***ded?
Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
Andy I'm a virgin.
"Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
Andy What if she laughs at me though?
Then you punch her in the ****in' head if she laughs!
Andy I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
No, you punch her in the ****in' head emotionally.
Operator
Hotline.
Andy Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator
How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator
You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator
Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator
There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator
You know, you could have sex.
Andy Okay. Yup.
Operator
That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator
Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator
If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy Really? That'd work?
Operator
Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator
It is a trick we use in India.
Andy Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator
We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.
Dude, are you gay?
Andy No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to **** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who **** guys, in jail.
Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
Andy I drive a bike.
Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're **** six!
Andy That tasted like shellfish.
[at a bachelorette party] [using a Black dildo as a phone]
Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
[Holding up a blue and white striped dildo]
Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy [holds up a penis shaped cake tray]
Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
I do!
She does!
Andy Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker!
Andy [Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
Beth Yes! Let's have sex.
Andy It's going to happen.
Beth That's why we are here.
Andy That's totally what's going to happen.
Beth We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
Andy But, if I want to what?
Beth Butt.
Andy But what? What?
Beth Do it.
Andy Do it?
Beth What?
Andy I don't know what you're talking about.
Beth Butt.
Andy But, what?
Beth What?
Andy But, it still feels so right.
[the night after Jay gets Andy a hooker who turns out to be a transvestite]
Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
So you have no proof.
No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...of three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this, and then in a year it's like, "You know... I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys." And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now." You're gay for saying that.
I'm gay for saying that?
You know how I know you're gay?
How? How do you know I'm gay?
Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
You know how I know you're gay?
How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
You know how I know you're gay?
How?
You like Coldplay. You know how I know you're gay?
How?
You like the movie Maid in Manhattan.
You know how I know you're gay?
How?
I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
That's gay?
Andy You guys... she's picking me up in an hour.
Oh, drag, dude. She's picking you up from here?
Andy Yeah.
That's **** up, man.
Andy Why? Why?
Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy So what?
And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy It's all right.
Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy It's Oscar Goldman.
Why do you have that?
Andy That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh... when you brought this in?
Andy They did not laugh at me.
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy You guys, cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay? First, you relax, okay? Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing... and we move it out of here. So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
Beth Can I help you?
Andy [remembering Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman]
I don't know. Can you?
Beth Are you looking for something?
Andy Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth We have a lot of books. So, maybe it depends on what you like.
Andy What do you like?
Beth We have a great section of...do-it-yourself.
Andy Do you like to "do it yourself"?
Beth Sometimes. I mean...if the mood strikes.
Andy How is the mood striking you now?
Beth [they both laugh]
What's your name?
Andy What's your name?
Beth I'm Beth.
Andy Andy.
Beth Andy. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?
Andy I won't. Unless you want to be told on...Beth.
Andy No I didn't!
Will you just quit whining like a bitch?
Andy I'm not whining like a bitch!
You are whining like a bitch. And you about to cram like ten years of pimpage into one day.
Andy I don't want to cram pimpage.
And after that... you on my level. Come on.
Just ask questions.
Andy This is a bad idea.
Gina You're a good-looking man.
Andy Thank you.
Gina Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. You're real feminine, you know, which is good for me... because that would be a simple sort of transition. You know what I'm saying? Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back. You game?
Andy No.
You suppose he's had enough? Spank bank has once again been filled. I'll tell you who's the hottest. You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me tell you. Gina. Can't get va-Gina out of my head. Va-Gina all week. You know what's a fun game?
Andy Huh?
You take three Excedrin PMs... and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. [sighs] You always win, it's the best part about the game.
Andy Hey, what you watching?
Dawn of the Dead, man.
Andy Great.
The store is slow.
Andy Paula's gone.
Yo, is Paula back?
Andy No. She's not here.
She said we can't watch this in here. You sure?
Andy I know. Can I ask you something in confidence? I know this is gonna sound weird. Am I good-looking? Do you think a woman will find me attractive? [gets distracted by the TV] Oh my God! Oh my God, the blood just... Okay, never mind.
Wait, Andy. Hold up.
Andy Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about.
Are you ready for my honest answer?
Andy Yes.
Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat. I don't think that anybody knows it... and I don't think anybody can see it.
Andy Well, that's why I'm asking you.
You seem really well-groomed and really put together. I mean, look, dude, you think this was an accident? All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough. You willing to make some sacrifices?
Andy Absolutely.
You see that whole Teen Wolf thing you got going right there? You need to wax that right out.
Andy Does it hurt?
No. Waxing don't hurt. I mean, not unless you're a bitch. You know what I mean? It didn't hurt me. I get it done all the time.
Andy God, you know, it's so funny. I work right across the street, and I've never been in this place.
Really? Where at?
Andy Yeah. The "We Sell Your Stuff on eBay" store.
Yes.
Andy And that's the name?
Yeah, I was looking for something... you know, obvious. So I chose that.
Andy I don't understand. So, what, you do what?
Well, I take the stuff that you don't want... and then I "sell" it on eBay.
Andy But you don't actually sell anything in the store?
No. I don't.
Andy So why do you have a store?
I don't know.
Andy No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional... and not like a crazy person who's just gonna steal all your shit.
Sure.
Andy I didn't mean anything by that.
No, it's okay. You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know... see it for yourself, check it out.
Andy I'll check out your empty store. Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.
Here's my number. So...
Andy All right. So, just anytime. Why do I need your number if you're across the street though?
I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy.
Andy I just... Sorry. Just giving it to you. So I'll write you up, and I'll meet you over at the register.
Okay.
Andy And check you out... Check out.
Andy Hey, how you doing?
Um... how you doing?
Andy I'm well.
Who is this?
Andy This is... James.
Andy [stammering]
I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent.
Are you a telemarketer, James?
Andy Yep.
Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real **** job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the **** head! Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?!
Andy Okay.
All right, I'll see you later, James.
Andy Nice to talk to you.
**** your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
[hangs up]
