James Franco
Your mama's pussy was the canvas, your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art, huh?
Jay Baruchel
Thanks, James Franco.
James Franco
You got it.
Scenes with Jay Baruchel
16 scenes James Franco
Jay Baruchel
James Franco
Seth Rogen
Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Jay Baruchel
Oh, for ****'s sake...
Seth Rogen
I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
Jonah Hill
[after the group inventories the remaining food]
Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco
No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel
That's weird.
James Franco
It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen
I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco
Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson
Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a **** Milky Way.
Jonah Hill
Guys.
Jay Baruchel
A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen
Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco
[To Craig]
I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.
Craig Robinson
I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.
James Franco
I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
Craig Robinson
You couldn't handle my midriff.
Jonah Hill
Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel
For ****'s sake.
Jonah Hill
No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
Jay Baruchel
What?
James Franco
Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?
Seth Rogen
One finger scoop of Nutella.
Jonah Hill
Fair.
Jay Baruchel
Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.
Seth Rogen
Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson
That's **** up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel
I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco
That's racist.
Emma Watson
[Holding an axe]
Back the **** up!
James Franco
Emma, what's wrong?
Seth Rogen
W-W-W-What's wrong?
Emma Watson
What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.
All
No! No, no, no, no!
Seth Rogen
I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Rogen's nose with the back of her axe] OH!
Jay Baruchel
Holy shit!
Emma Watson
BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]
Jonah Hill
It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...
Emma Watson
GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!
Seth Rogen
There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!
Emma Watson
I'M NOT **** AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]
Craig Robinson
GIVE HER DRINKS!
James Franco
Okay!
Craig Robinson
GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Danny McBride
Oh, God!
Craig Robinson
[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]
PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
Emma Watson
HURRY THE **** UP!
Jay Baruchel
Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!
Craig Robinson
Don't give the Milky Way away!
Jay Baruchel
Put the axe down now!
Danny McBride
[Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]
Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!
James Franco
[to Danny]
I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there. [Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves]
Danny McBride
Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Craig Robinson
Little bitty ass, um, 20 year-old jacked us.
Danny McBride
Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.
Jay Baruchel
I didn't... I was just... I...
Danny McBride
I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about **** two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
Craig Robinson
So now, um, mother****ers is thirsty.
Danny McBride
You stupid. Stupid mother...!
James Franco
[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]
**** psychopath. It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
Danny McBride
You were gonna send me out there with a **** gun filled with blanks?
Seth Rogen
Oh, **** you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you **** dickhead!
James Franco
**** murdering mother****er!
Danny McBride
Whatever. **** civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so **** high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious **** nerd.
James Franco
**** you.
Danny McBride
Jonah... you **** ****. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You **** disappoint me.
Craig Robinson
Bro.
Danny McBride
Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen
What?
Danny McBride
And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, ****-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel
What the **** are you talking about?
Danny McBride
I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
Jay Baruchel
No, no, no. That-that's **** twisting that shit around, you're **** lying.
Danny McBride
Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.
Craig Robinson
Ooh! Jay.
Seth Rogen
****, man.
Danny McBride
It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back. Don't be cocky.
[backs out of the double doors]
Seth Rogen
[discussing the apocalypse]
This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who **** saw that coming that there's actually a God?
Jay Baruchel
I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
Seth Rogen
Jesus **** Christ, man.
Craig Robinson
You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen
"Jesus **** Christ"?
Craig Robinson
Yes.
Seth Rogen
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson
One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Seth Rogen
Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson
Jesus, God. It's all the same.
Jay Baruchel
It's the trinity.
Seth Rogen
Jesus...
Craig Robinson
Father, Son, Holy Ghost.
James Franco
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
Seth Rogen
I don't even know what the **** Commandments are.
James Franco
Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
Seth Rogen
I'm good.
James Franco
We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel
Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
James Franco
It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Craig Robinson
Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
Seth Rogen
Oh.
Craig Robinson
You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
Seth Rogen
[whispering]
I think God might've just **** up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
Craig Robinson
It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
James Franco
Wh-Why you so sure?
Craig Robinson
I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Jay Baruchel
What the?
Seth Rogen
Oh, **** off.
James Franco
Craig.
Craig Robinson
Well I was a kid, man, it was a ****in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I ****in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
Jay Baruchel
[exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson
And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, **** it. And I went for the second one.
Seth Rogen
[exhales deeply]
Craig Robinson
It was **** up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
James Franco
I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I **** Lindsay Lohan. She was **** up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
Jay Baruchel
[grunts]
James Franco
She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Seth Rogen
That's **** up.
James Franco
Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
Craig Robinson
See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
Seth Rogen
[the power suddenly goes out]
Whoa.
James Franco
Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill
[growling]
Jay Baruchel
You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
Craig Robinson
[worried about Jonah, whispering]
Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
Jay Baruchel
I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]
Jay Baruchel
[trying to perform an exorcism]
The power of Christ compels you!
Jonah Hill
[possessed]
Guess what? It's not that compelling.
Jay Baruchel
[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck]
Danny?
Danny McBride
What the ****?! You guys are still alive?!
Seth Rogen
Yeah!
Danny McBride
Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] **** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's ****in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel
What does that have to do with us?
James Franco
The **** you talking about?
Danny McBride
[laughs]
I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna **** eat your ass!
Seth Rogen
**** you, you can't eat us, **** that, man!
Danny McBride
I do whatever the **** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-**** this dude. See that? I ****in' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
Channing Tatum
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco
That's Channing Tatum!
Seth Rogen
That's Channing Tatum, dude, what the ****?!
Danny McBride
Channing **** Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
James Franco
Hardcore, man.
Seth Rogen
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam disappears and James falls back down on the ground]
Oh shit.
James Franco
[horrified]
What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride
I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco
What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride
[holding up James' severed nose]
HOW **** CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
James Franco
[last words]
DANNY, NOOOOOO!
Danny McBride
[the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Jay Baruchel
Oh shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride
[last words]
BRING THEM TO ME!
Jay Baruchel
[after Seth Rogen picks up Jay Baruchel from the airport]
All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to **** Carl’s Jr.?
Seth Rogen
Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse.
Jay Baruchel
You’re on a what?
Seth Rogen
I’m on a cleanse.
Jay Baruchel
[laughs]
Seth Rogen
It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day.
Jay Baruchel
That’s not true.
Seth Rogen
It is true.
Jay Baruchel
You’re supposed to shit twice a day.
Seth Rogen
No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day.
Jay Baruchel
So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not…
Seth Rogen
Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed.
Jay Baruchel
But…
Seth Rogen
I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way **** better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten.
Jay Baruchel
That’s not true. Who the **** told you not to eat gluten?
Seth Rogen
It’s just true.
Jay Baruchel
You don’t even know what gluten is.
Seth Rogen
I know what **** gluten is.
Jay Baruchel
No, you have no idea what gluten is.
Seth Rogen
I do know what gluten is. Gluten’s a vague term. It’s, it’s like something that’s used to categorize things that are bad, you know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten.
Jay Baruchel
Somebody just told you, you probably shouldn’t eat gluten, you’re like, “Oh, I guess I shouldn’t eat gluten.”
Seth Rogen
Gluten means bad shit, man, and I’m not eating it.
Seth Rogen
[later at Carl’s Jr., Jay and Seth are eating burgers]
Hmm! Oh, God! Each bite is better than the previous bite.
Jay Baruchel
It is.
Seth Rogen
Gluten!
Father
[Jay and Seth are at convenience store on Melrose Avenue. Jay wanted to get cigarettes, as he wanted an excuse to leave Franco's party, feeling uncomfortable. There are several other people in the Store, including a Grumpy cashier, a Father and Daughter, and two other customers, one is a priest.]
Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom? She's really got to go.
Cashier
Read the sign. Customers only.
Father
Seriously?
Cashier
Why the **** you think I put up the sign?
Daughter
It's okay, Dad. I can hold it.
Father
Let's just buy something for your mother.
Seth Rogen
(watching the conversation)
This cash register lady is mean! I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me? (Shows Jay a Milky Way) When I'm stoned, I can't do this.
Jay Baruchel
I think I'm just gonna head back to your place. I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's.
Seth Rogen
Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay?
Jay Baruchel
I hate it in there. I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed...
[Without warning there's an explosive BOOM. All the windows shatter in the store. A massive Earthquake strikes. Everyone is knocked off their feet. A shelf falls on Seth. Jay manages to regain his footing, he looks outside to see the whole block shaking. Suddenly, four gigantic beams of blue light burn through the ceiling. They shine down on the Father, Daughter, the priest and the other customer. The Cashier is in a total panic. Seth can't see what's going on underneath the fallen shelf. Like an alien tractor beam, all four people slowly lift off the ground. Jay can't believe his eyes. The four people are sucked up by the beams, through the holes in the ceiling, and into the sky. The light fades as they disappear. Jay looks outside to see, it's not just happening in their store. On all of Melrose Avenue, hundreds of people are getting sucked up into the sky by gigantic beams of blue light, some being lifted off the sidewalk, drivers being sucked out of moving cars, and lifting people out of buildings as the lights one by one take a human and fade as they disappear into the sky. The shaking finally stops. This is no Earthquake or aliens. It's the Rapture. Everybody who has been sucked up into the sky is on their way to heaven, because these people had good, kind, and selfless hearts. Anyone not sucked up are selfish and unkind. Seth manages to pick himself up. He hasn't seen any of the rapture. Only Jay did.]
Seth Rogen
Are you okay?
Cashier
(freaking out)
DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL...
Jay Baruchel
[Before she can finish, a giant air conditioning unit falls through the ceiling (having been weakened by the Rapture Beams burning through it) and crushes her. Seth and Jay panic. ]
OH MY GOD!! JESUS!! JESUS!!!
Seth Rogen
[Both sprint out of the store, Seth through the door, Jay through one of the broken windows. Outside, it's pure mayhem, with the "damned" civilians (as they were not brought to Heaven because they lacked good hearts), running everywhere in panic]
Oh my god, run! RUN! This way!!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus, okay! Okay! AAGGH!!!
Seth Rogen
[Both scream as headlights are seen speeding at them. They barely dodge an out-of-control car, with no driver inside and a hole in it's roof (as the driver had been raptured while behind the wheel). The vehicle jumps the curb and crashes straight into the convenience store the two actors just left, destroying it.]
OH SHIT!!
Jay Baruchel
OH MY GOD!!
Jay Baruchel
[Both yelp hearing a horn honk. Another car speeds down the street a breakneck speed, the driver obviously in a complete state of panic. The car accidentally mows down a pedestrian. Jay and Seth scream, and run down the streets, which have been destroyed by the chaos and blue beams, as they burnt through everything, and other cars have crashed, their drivers having been raptured.]
JESUS CHRIST, WHY THE **** DID YOU BRING ME DOWN HERE?!?!
Seth Rogen
GAAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, SHIT SHIT!!!
Seth Rogen
[Dashing amidst the panicking crowd, both are nearly hit with sparks from a downed powerline. A panicked Taxi driver honks at the actors to get out of the way, obviously trying to escape the area. As it passes by the actors, it's seen that several fires have broken out.]
We're going back to Franco's!!
Jay Baruchel
WHY?!
Seth Rogen
Just trust me, keep running!
Jay Baruchel
[The taxi heads through an intersection, and is T-Boned by another car who's driver had been raptured. It explodes in flames, incinerating him.] [Reacting to the crash]
OH MY ****!!!
Seth Rogen
WE ARE GOING BACK TO FRANCO'S!!
Jay Baruchel
Oh, goddamnit!!
[The two sprint to Franco's home, not stopping until they reach it. When they arrive, everyone's still partying. No one has any idea what just happened outside.]
Seth Rogen
[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house]
We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco
[correcting Seth]
127 Hours.
Seth Rogen
Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
James Franco
Old faithful. [picks up the gun]
Jay Baruchel
Jesus.
James Franco
Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.
Seth Rogen
Yeah.
James Franco
This is an actual revolver.
Seth Rogen
I see, yeah.
Craig Robinson
Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?
James Franco
Loaded.
Jonah Hill
Love it.
Jay Baruchel
Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?
James Franco
I always keep my props.
Jay Baruchel
That’s really cool.
James Franco
Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.
Jonah Hill
He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.
James Franco
It’s real. It’s heavy.
Jonah Hill
Let me see it like that.
Craig Robinson
[James tosses the gun to Jonah]
Goddamn!
Seth Rogen
Come on, guys! You could kill…
James Franco
Careful.
Jonah Hill
[pretends to shoot it]
Bang, bang!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus!
Seth Rogen
Please put it down!
Jay Baruchel
Oh, ****!
Jonah Hill
Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!
Jay Baruchel
I hope you’re **** happy.
Jonah Hill
Pow, pow, pow!
Seth Rogen
Stop- Guys, stop **** with the gun!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus. Jesus!
Jonah Hill
Pow! Pow! Bang!
Seth Rogen
It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.
Jonah Hill
Guys, it’s funny.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.
Jonah Hill
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.
All
No!
Seth Rogen
Don’t do that Jonah!
Jay Baruchel
Jesus!
James Franco
Jonah, give it back.
Jonah Hill
I don’t know! I don’t know! [puts the gun in his mouth]
James Franco
Don’t do that!
Seth Rogen
Oh, dude!
Jay Baruchel
Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!
Craig Robinson
Would you put the thing down?!
Jonah Hill
The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.
Danny McBride
[while James Franco sees Danny McBride eating all the food supplies]
Franco! Good morning, sunshine!
James Franco
Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the **** food!
Jonah Hill
[they rush over to Danny]
Danny!
Danny McBride
No, it’s cool, man. I **** made this for you guys!
Seth Rogen
Stop eating!
Jay Baruchel
Don’t eat another piece of bacon!
Danny McBride
Guys just chill the **** out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can **** afford some more bacon.
Craig Robinson
Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!
Danny McBride
Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got **** wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Seth Rogen
Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!
Danny McBride
James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.
Seth Rogen
Do you actually not know what happened last night?
Jonah Hill
Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Danny McBride
Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities."
Craig Robinson
Dude, Segel’s dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.
Danny McBride
Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh? [laughing]
Jay Baruchel
Jesus, Danny!
Danny McBride
Michael Cera’s dead.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not like that.
James Franco
It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.
Danny McBride
Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the **** was that in Green Hornet, huh? Jonah, you’re **** sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be **** selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities."
Jonah Hill
Fatalities.
Danny McBride
Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Seth Rogen
Does it seem like we’re **** joking?
James Franco
[while having dinner at a table]
Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
Seth Rogen
Yes.
James Franco
Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
Danny McBride
I mean for all we know, the **** Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Seth Rogen
Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill
Sinkhole de Mayo.
Seth Rogen
Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.
Craig Robinson
Let’s hear it.
Jay Baruchel
I think it’s the Apocalypse.
James Franco
What?
Jay Baruchel
I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.
James Franco
You took my Bible?
Jay Baruchel
Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the Bible] “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.
Craig Robinson
The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that mother****er with no traffic.
James Franco
Coldwater.
Seth Rogen
I take Laurel Canyon.
Jonah Hill
Cahuegna.
Danny McBride
I usually cup down Barham.
Jay Baruchel
Boys, can I just fricking finish?
Craig Robinson
I love Laurel Canyon.
Jay Baruchel
[continues reading]
“And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”
Craig Robinson
I love that dude. He’s from Where the Wild Things Are.
James Franco
It’s a load of bullshit.
Jay Baruchel
It’s not bullshit.
James Franco
You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.
Craig Robinson
I’m straight-up lovable, son.
James Franco
And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?
Jay Baruchel
[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck]
Danny?
Danny McBride
What the ****?! You guys are still alive?!
Seth Rogen
Yeah!
Danny McBride
Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] **** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's ****in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel
What does that have to do with us?
James Franco
The **** you talking about?
Danny McBride
[laughs]
I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna **** eat your ass!
Seth Rogen
**** you, you can't eat us! **** that, man!
Danny McBride
I do whatever the **** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-**** this dude. See that? I ****in' slide right in that shit, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.
Channing Tatum
[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]
Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco
That's Channing Tatum!
Seth Rogen
That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the ****?!
Danny McBride
Channing **** Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my bitch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."
James Franco
Hardcore, man.
Danny McBride
I got him trained good, watch, he does tricks. Wait, shake hands.
James Franco
All right, Seth…
Danny McBride
**** roll over.
James Franco
I’m gonna create a diversion…
Seth Rogen
Yeah.
James Franco
…you and Jay make a run for it.
Seth Rogen
What? Danny’s gonna eat you!
James Franco
Listen. Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg, like the ending to Pineapple 2.
Danny McBride
Yeah, lick that! That’s Channing **** Tatum, dawg!
Channing Tatum
I love him.
Danny McBride
That’s **** G.I. Joe, dude. He **** loves me. [laughs]
Seth Rogen
Danny, we’re friends! You can’t eat us!
Danny McBride
I’d love to catch up, but we’re **** starving, so… LET’S EAT!
James Franco
**** YOU!
Jay Baruchel
[when the rapture beam appears on James Franco while he’s fighting the cannibals]
Holy shit!
Seth Rogen
It worked!
Danny McBride
What the ****?
James Franco
Go to hell, McBride! [sticks up both middle fingers] **** you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh...
Seth Rogen
[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam vanishes and James falls back down on the ground]
Oh shit.
James Franco
[horrified]
What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!
Danny McBride
I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco
What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]
Danny McBride
[holding up James' severed nose]
HOW **** CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]
James Franco
[last words]
DANNY, NOOOOOO!
Danny McBride
[the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]
SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]
Jay Baruchel
Oh shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run!
Danny McBride
[last words]
BRING THEM TO ME!
Seth Rogen
****!
Cannibal
Get ‘em!
Cannibal 2
Got to get Rogen!
Seth Rogen
Over here! Over here, over here.
Jay Baruchel
[they hide behind a place where the cannibals don’t see them]
What?
Seth Rogen
Shit, shit!
Cannibal
They’re around here somewhere.
Cannibal 2
They kept running you **** idiots!
Seth Rogen
Shit, are they still here?
Jay Baruchel
I think they’re gone.
Seth Rogen
Are they gone?
Jay Baruchel
Oh, my God.
Seth Rogen
Why did Franco flip off Danny? Why did he have to do that, man? He was in the clear!
Jay Baruchel
That is textbook. Uh… Vanity or…
Seth Rogen
Is it Vanity?
Jay Baruchel
Vanity or envy.
Seth Rogen
Is it envy or wrath?
Jay Baruchel
It’s any of them, man.
Seth Rogen
You can’t do that. It’s being a sore winner, is what it is, more than anything.
Jay Baruchel
That’s exactly what it is.
Seth Rogen
You can’t be a sore winner.
Jay Baruchel
Well, this is another fine mess we found ourselves in. ****.
