Molly
And I'm fine with that too. And I was fine with you up until about three minutes ago.
Kirk
That's great Molly. I'm so glad you're fine with me.
Molly
Okay, Kirk. Maybe-maybe you're right. Maybe you are a five. You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point. Everytime someone walks into a room you compare yourself to them, deduct a point. You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it, deduct a point. Um how are we doing? Oh, oh yeah, hoping that I have a defect that you can work with? Deduct whatever's left.
Kirk
I'm out of here. Webbed **** feet, are you kidding me?
Molly
Kirk!!
Kirk
[First lines]
Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. [pulls out earring box; to his friends] What do you think?
Stainer
Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.
Devon
I think it's really pretty. How's it work? [opens box] Oh...
Jack
What the hell is that?
Kirk
I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer
No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.
Kirk
I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack
When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk
I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.
Jack
Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?
Kirk
What?
Jack
You're a moodle.
Kirk
A moodle?
Jack
A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.
Stainer
No one would ever **** a moodle.
Jack
No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Devon
Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
Stainer
[holding earring box]
Why don't you just put your **** balls in here?
Stainer
I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Devon
Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.
Stainer
A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Jack
Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.
Stainer
But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk
Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer
Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.
Jack
Five.
Stainer
Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Kirk
Where do you get this shit?
Stainer
Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
Jack
[chuckles]
Oh, not even you, huh?
Stainer
I'm a six, okay?
Jack
Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?
Stainer
You're an eight.
Jack
Okay, you're a six then.
Stainer
But I get a one point bump because I'm in a band.
Kirk
Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deducation.
Stainer
Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
Kirk
What about your crappy car?
Stainer
Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Jack
Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer
Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. It's right next to "**** you"!
Devon
I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
Jack
My God. What are you, Hannah Montana? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
Jack
Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Stainer
OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.
Jack
Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.
Kirk
"Anything is possible"?
Devon
Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.
Stainer
Such as?
Devon
Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Jack
Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Stainer
All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
Jack
OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Stainer
They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Jack
Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer
He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.
Devon
What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger?
Stainer
He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a mother****er.
Devon
Wait a second... The Beast.
Stainer
Who?
Devon
The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.
Stainer
OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.
Devon
You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets 'cause I've only been with one girl. It's 'cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.
Stainer
Power of love.
Jack
Very... perfect.
Kirk
Beautiful.
Devon
Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.
Kirk
Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?
Devon
'Cause I thought you had.
Kirk
No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
Stainer
A "sticky wicket"?
Kirk
Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
Stainer
And how many times have you called her?
Kirk
Five.
Stainer
And how many times have you really called her?
Kirk
Seventeen.
Stainer
It's done. Tao of Love.
Kirk
What?
Stainer
That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.
Kirk
No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.
Stainer
Tina Jordan does.
Kirk
Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
Stainer
She was my Molly.
Kirk
You never mentioned her.
Stainer
I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, 'cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.
Kirk
That's what that was? You said you had mono.
Stainer
Yeah. Mono of the heart.
Jack
Oh, my God, how's your vagina?
Stainer
Shut up, Jack!
Devon
Hey, did she say anything about Wendy thinking I'm hot?
Kirk
No.
Devon
Shoot, I wonder if she is on Facebook?
Kirk
Devon, you're on Facebook?
Devon
Yeah... I got like 37 friends.
Kirk
[Kirk is introducing Molly to his family]
This is when you say "Hi Molly".
Dylan
Who are you?
Kirk
She is Molly.
Kirk
She came with me.
Dylan
Did you hit her car or something?
Kirk
Jesus... No but thank you for asking.
Dylan
Are you a social worker?
Molly
Nope.
Dylan
Aw shit are we being evicted?
Kirk
No.
Dylan
Are you a hooker?
Dylan
Or a prostitute I mean?
