You look just like someone I went to high school with.
Stainer Oh yeah? What high school? Maybe it was me.
No, he's in a coma.
Stainer Huh. Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some **** honey.
Scenes with Stainer
10 scenes Stainer Stainer 
Patty's not a bitch, she's uh... different.
Stainer Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.
[First lines]
Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. [pulls out earring box; to his friends] What do you think?
Stainer Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.
I think it's really pretty. How's it work? [opens box] Oh...
What the hell is that?
I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.
I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.
Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?
What?
You're a moodle.
A moodle?
A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.
Stainer No one would ever **** a moodle.
No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
Stainer [holding earring box]
Why don't you just put your **** balls in here?
Stainer I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.
Stainer A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.
Stainer But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.
Five.
Stainer Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Where do you get this shit?
Stainer Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
Stainer I'm a six, okay?
Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?
Stainer You're an eight.
Okay, you're a six then.
Stainer But I get a one point bump because I'm in a band.
Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deducation.
Stainer Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
What about your crappy car?
Stainer Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. It's right next to "**** you"!
I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
My God. What are you, Hannah Montana? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Stainer OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.
Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.
"Anything is possible"?
Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.
Stainer Such as?
Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Stainer All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Stainer They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.
What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger?
Stainer He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a mother****er.
Wait a second... The Beast.
Stainer Who?
The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.
Stainer OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.
You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets 'cause I've only been with one girl. It's 'cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.
Stainer Power of love.
Very... perfect.
Beautiful.
Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.
Stainer Foler, you have a choice, you can step aside, or you can fight me. If that's how you wanna go, I warn you, I will go Dark Side. I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off, and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I am an insane mother****er! You know that from the breakroom! What's it gonna be?
Foler
[Shrugs and lets them through]
Stainer Let's face it, Marnie's kinda a skank. [Marnie appears] Oh, hey Marnie. We were just talking about Marnie the name, and how it's unfortunate it's not more common.
Marnie
**** you Stainer.
Stainer But, you didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.
Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?
'Cause I thought you had.
No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
Stainer A "sticky wicket"?
Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
Stainer And how many times have you called her?
Five.
Stainer And how many times have you really called her?
Seventeen.
Stainer It's done. Tao of Love.
What?
Stainer That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.
No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.
Stainer Tina Jordan does.
Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
Stainer She was my Molly.
You never mentioned her.
Stainer I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, 'cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.
That's what that was? You said you had mono.
Stainer Yeah. Mono of the heart.
Oh, my God, how's your vagina?
Stainer Shut up, Jack!
Stainer Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... **** YOU.
It is a pretty impressive catch, Kirkey.
Stainer Yeah, the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife. [shocked silence] What? Did that already happen?
We weren't technically dating yet.
Stainer My bad.
She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.
Stainer That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.
Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?
